Why Don't People Wait 'til They're Married to Have Children?

Oh certainly marriage and an education does not instantly make someone parenting material.

thats not what i said. i said if u have a good stable job and you are very intelegent you will make a better life for your child. well at least ideally you should.

I don't think marriage is a pre-requisite for having children, it's just the path that I chose. I waited for 8 years after beinf married to have my children because i wanted to enjoy my life with my husband for a while.

There's this really interesting phonomena happening that I read about recently (and I am sorry I can't remember exactly which juornal it was from...I think it was the Journal of Marriage and Family development) Anyway, it stated that a great percentage of couples who had children right away instead of waiting until furhter along into their relationship experienced a greatly increased amount of marital stress when their children finished high school and left the family home. They hypothesized that since children had always been the focal point of their relatioinship, they suddenly found themselves with nothing in common, having spent their first eighteen years or so of marriage caught up in the whirlwind of parenting. Pretty interesting stuff. It's a relatively new phenomenon as well. Prior to the women's lib movment of the 1970's, women were expected to have their children within the first year or two of marriage. Maybe we have come to expect a lot more form our rrelationships these days, I don't know, but I never really thought about the long term repurcussions of this.

As for the debate, Future, i am not sure why some people prefer to have children first and marriage later. Many times, I think it was a "woops" situation and when the options were weighed, marriage was not the first priority, and I can understand that. The last thing I would have wanted to do when I was prego was plan and have a wedidng. As for those who choose to do it without a marriage commitment, I assume that they believe the fiber of their relationship is strong enough withotu the marriage ertificate and ceremony to have children.

As for the childish portion of this debate, Lets look at a few things:

Money doesn't mean everything, but it is certainly helpful. let me be first to inform you that graduatioin from high school or college does not mean you will make millions anymore. It helps, but it's not a shoo in. I do think that if you can't possibly afford to have children, then you should wait, save up some money, and not rely on the state to help you. Accidents DO happen, and that is what state aid is for.

Education means a lot to me, I think it is incredibly important. If I had it to do over again, I would have gotten my Master's degree prior to having children. For many women, educational opportunities cease to happen upon the birth of a child and seldom resume later in life. That is a statistical fact. Although I have my own axe to grind in regard to public education, I would never ever allow my children to drop out of school, despite their circumstances.

I am sure that if we all sat down and acted like adults we would agree that it is EASIER to raise a child when one has a stable job and has finished their education? Yes? no? So let's act like the adults that we all insist that we are and really look at the question the OP has put forth instead of resulting to petty arguments, Okay?

*Moderator gets out key for lock button....

I am only 17 and agree to every word sillyakchick said.

My original post was completely riddled with horrid misspellings. You can thank my cat for that!

i think that people dont wait because of pressure sometimes.

Sometimes they think it's going to be a lot easier than it actually is. It seems the topic of raising kids always goes back to money and it takes a heck of a lot more than money to raise a good kid.

I know some really poor people that have the greatest kids.

Did anyone think about the fact that pregnancy can happen by accident but marriage doesn't? You can be in a relationship with someone and suddenly find yourself pregnant even though you've been using birth control but you don't just wake up married one day and say "oh what happened?" It takes a long time to come to the decision and then you have to save up your money and make all the plans etc. If you find yourself pregnant with someone you planned to marry and have a family with in the future anyway, then it doesn't seem like such a big deal. I would have preferred to be married first but it will happen and we are comitted to each other anyway. To me, having a child with someone entails the same kind of committment that a marriage does anyway, in some ways it is more binding.

Some people don't believe in marriage. Why stay celibate your whole life?

Thanks. I specifically was curious about people having children on purpose before they are married and before they can afford it, though.

I'm glad things worked out for you, though.

IMO I think for some people they think that a child is going to fill some void in their lives. They need someone that loves them for who they are. I don't think all the people that have children before they are ready really know what they are in for. Some may think that kids are really cute and wouldn't it be great to have one, but they don't take into consideration that the little person they just brought into the world is a huge responsibility that needs love, attention, a roof over their head, food, etc. They may know (or have heard) that they get up in the night, but they may not realize that child doesn't care if your tired or not feeling well, they want their needs met now. Sorry that you had your heart set on buying that new outfit you want, the kid needs a new jacket and boots. Parenting takes sacrafice and I'm not sure a lot of people that have kids realize it.

I don't know if the average couple could actually ever financially prepare for a child. I have heard people say, "if you wait until you can afford kids you'll be too old to enjoy them". Money isn't really the most important part, maturity is.

Actually you can be financially ready for children. Besides that point, I agree with all that you said.

Since I first asked his question I've done a lot of research. One reason why young teens have children on purpose keeps coming up, and that is they actually think it is a career choice. They don't like school, don't want to go to college, can't think of a career that they would like, so they choose motherhood.

AS IF that were a career choice!

I have nothing against single parents but ideally I do think a child should have both a mother and father who love each other.

Personally, if you're a person who believes in marriage, you should wait until you're married to have a child. That way it grows up in a (hopefully) stable home with two parents.


well i honestly think that as long as the people are in love that they do not need to get married if that feel that they are married at heart legaly if the birth father is in the child life the dna and the last name is all they need to have legal rights to them. my husband and i were not married before we got pregnant and honestly were not planing on children for a while anyway but we are having a little girl and we are so in love that i can no imagion not haveing a life without him married or not. we got married because of family,living, and work arraingments his family does not believe in children out of wedlock, we would not have a place to live with out being married and i would not have a job without being married.. because i work in a church i would have to resign because we were not married and we are living together and having a baby... other than that we were not going to get married until we wanted to but that does not change how we feel about each other or how good of parents we are going to be.. my parents were not married and yet they raised me just fine.. i see nothing wrong with having children and not being married as long as the parents love each other or in some cases can be civil to one another for the childs sake just because parents are not together does not mean that they are not good parents or that they care or love their children any less..

In an ideal world getting married before having a child would be ideal. But like people have said things don't always work out like that.