Relationships and Marriage Forum - Caught My Bf Lying about Pot Use

Like I said in previous posts, my bf and I just recently moved in together and have been together for almost a year and a half. Just this past weekend we got in our first fight. I had gone to a wedding reception and he went over to his buddies place. I got home around midnight and had this gut feeling I should stay up. Well, just as I was about to go to bed an hour and a half later, he strolled through the door. Right away I could tell he was drunk and stoned, with the squinty blood shot eyes, and the smell on his clothes and breath.

Now he knows that I don't like drugs (my parents used to argue all the time and fight because my dad did it) so when I asked him who was there he told me. Then I asked if there was any pot and if he did any. He said there was some but he didn't do it. Right away I knew he had just lied to me. So after watching a bit of TV (he could tell I was pissed and kept bringing up stupid topics like the garden and stuff) I asked him again and said not to lie. He then confirmed it. He had taken a few puffs. So I immediately started crying. After a long talk, and a few tears shed from both me and h im, he promised me that he'd never do it again. Then I made him sleep in the other room because I couldn't deal with the smell.

Am I wrong to not want him to do drugs? Am I going to be able to trust him again? I'm going to be afraid every time now when he goes to a party with his buddies that majority of them smoke pot. What do I do?

Replies(14)

Maddie34

replied on October 25th, 2007

Moderator

No, you aren't wrong for wanting him not to do drugs. I'm the same way. Drinking, sure with moderation of course but pot? Ick, no thanks. I can't really think of specifics as to why I dislike it other than smell -which is really hard to get out- but it sounds like you have some really good reasons.

As to whether or not you can trust him is up to you, does he break your trust often? You probably will be annoyed every time he goes out with his friends, especially if its all his friends do. Is he just willing to stop smoking? maybe when he's around his friends they can do something other than pot.

LadyKitten

replied on October 25th, 2007

Experienced User

Well, he hasn't lied to me about anything else yet. In fact, with him I find I trust him more than I did with previous boyfriends. For the first while in our relationship, it was a long distance thing (I'm in Ontario he was in Nova Scotia) and never once did I feel I couldn't trust him. For some reason with him, I just felt that he was really into the relationship and wouldn't want to cheat on me.

But here's another thing, I needed to use his computer because mine was acting up, so I got a little snoopy on it and checked his received files. On Feb 2 (while he was in Nova Scotia) of this year (we started dating June 2006) there was a pic of some girl named Rachelle showing her boobs via webcam. I don't know who this girl is, but if it's a file he received after we started dating, it makes me wonder if he cheated on me. I don't want to ask him about it because he'll know I was snooping. I really love him and I know he really loves me. Should I be concerned?

blondie_899

replied on October 25th, 2007

Experienced User

Well I would be concerned if some girl was showing her boobs to my boyfriend even if it was on webcam.As for the drug thing you had every right to be upset.I hate drugs and I know that it messes up people's lives.If he continues to smoke pot and lie to you then maybe you should re think your relationship with him.

Maddie34

replied on October 25th, 2007

Moderator

Ugh... I hate stories like these. haha they always make me feel the need to snoop because I'm in the whole I-trust-him-to-no-end thing too.

If it bothers you-- which i think it does-- then bring it up. Just try not to be accusing or anything because he'll probably get really defenssive and then nothing will be accomplished but a huge argument. He's going to be mad about you snooping so I would get ready for what you are going to say when that comes up. I don't mean excuses, I mean getting the conversation back on track.

I do feel the need to tell you that, despite the possibly valuable info you've learned, you shouldn't snoop. I know-- easier said than done!-- but its his privacy and you should respect that. Embarassed

Out of curiousity, how much did you have to dig to find this video?

LadyKitten

replied on October 26th, 2007

Experienced User

It wasn't a video, it was just a pic of some other girl's boobs. It was just under his received file. It wasn't hard to find at all. I could easily say that I needed to use his computer because mine is acting up and I came across it. Mine is really acting up so it's not like I'm lying. He even said I could use his computer if mine keeps up. It's just so frustrating. I love him and trust him, but why a pic of another woman?

Rosie H

replied on October 26th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

The pic of another women probably doesnt mean anything, other than hes a guy and he likes boobs. Mu guy has a lot of pics of women on his phone, he gets them from his friends as jokes or they pass naked pictures around to each other. This doesnt worry me. He likes porn and I like porn. But he just likes it in his phone. If you know you trust him to not cheat then stop thinking about why he has this photo. Trust me the more you think hes lying or try to analyze the situation the more confused and upset you will be.

As for the pot, you have every right to be upset. I presonally have zero tolerance to drugs. I dont hang around people using and I definately dont want my hubby smokin. Once he did I would leave him. But our relationship is different then yours. So you just need to find out how much you are willing to take. Maybe set some boundries with him. Like Im and alcoholic and my guy drinks. No alcohol is allowed in the house and I dont see him drinking or I am not around him while he buzzed out.

Maddie34

replied on October 26th, 2007

Moderator

Oh a pic, why did I think video? I must be going crazy. Sorry about that!

I agree with Rosie. I wouldn't be upset about a pic. It's annoying, I understand, but guys have stuff like that.

LadyKitten

replied on October 29th, 2007

Experienced User

But him having the pic in his received files only means he received it via msn which means he was chatting with some girl named rachelle who sent him a pic on Feb. 2, 2007 (7 months after we started dating) of herself topless. So wouldn't that be considered cheating in a way? I know some people believe that chatting with someone online and having online sex may not constitutre as cheating, but in my books it does.

Birch

replied on October 29th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

I would be more concerned about the lying than the pot use.
Where's there's smoke...there's fire.

Have you talked about why the pot use bothers you?
You see chatting online and online sex as cheating, but does he know that?
This happened a looooooong time ago, have you talked to him about it?

LadyKitten

replied on October 29th, 2007

Experienced User

He does know how I feel about the pot use, but he still did it, and then lied about it. I've given him a second chance with that and will give him another opportunity about it. He seemed to be very sincere about it when he apologized. He even cried. But for the online sex chatting, we've had discussions about it generally saying that we both think it's considered cheating, but I haven't actually talked to him about the pic I found on his computer. I wouldn't want him to know I was looking around on his laptop.

Birch

replied on October 29th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

Wow, that's tough.

I would tread lightly. Someone who would willfully do something he knows you hate, lie about it, and then cry about it later sounds like a rather manipulative person. I don't know him obviously, but I would just, well, hesitate to be involved with him. Best of luck to you!

LadyKitten

replied on October 31st, 2007

Experienced User

I don't think he was being manipulative. I think it was just peer pressure that made him do it. You know guys, when all your friends are doing it, and you think because you're gf isn't around, maybe she wouldn't find out. The real test is the next time he hangs out with these friends again. If he does it again, then I'm afraid, as much as I love him, I'm going to have to say sayonara. I don't want to be with a guy that will be doing drugs like my father did. And he knows it.

To0kxy

replied on December 4th, 2007

New User

I would be more worried about the pic than the pot. His more inclined to cheat on you when his drunk than is his stoned or stoned and drunk. If his going to go out with his friends and you wont be there. I would rather my bf be stoned. its a downer drug, and if his with a girl like you he wont become addicted or anything like that. When it becomes mroe than once or twice a week i would be worried.

He obviously use to talk to this girl abit for her to send a pic of herself with no top on. Check his received items and stuff when his not home! hehe

Jude-Love

replied on December 5th, 2007

Active User, very eHealthy

I agree with To0kxy. The pic seems like a bigger concern.

As far as him using pot goes, you aren't wrong to not want to be with someone who smokes pot. But did you know he was a pot smoker before you began dating him? If you did, then in my opinion you can't really complain about it.

I'd bring up the file.

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