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My Boyfriend Thinks Hes Gay..... (Page 1)

I've been dating my bf for almost 9 months now, and just recently he told me that he no longer loves me. He said he still cares about me and doesnt want to hurt me but he is no longer physically attracted to me. We had both always known that he was bisexual, or at least thought he was, but now hes telling me that he no longer thinks he has any attraction to girls at all, not even me. We are still going out because we both dont want to end whats been a great relationship between the two of us yet, and we still spend time together. The problem is, we no longer kiss or make out or have sex anymore because i know he doesnt enjoy it as much as i do, and the fact that he doesnt is killing me. I feel like i cant even touch him anymore because he doesnt feel the same way towards me. But on the other hand it confuses me because sometimes he'll randomly cuddle up to me or tell me he loves me even though he SAYS he doesnt, and i know this doesnt make alot of sense, but in a way i think he is still attracted to me even though he denies it. But anyways, my question is, since he is only 15 and kind of young to know for sure whether or not hes actually gay, could this be just a phase hes going through?

I think hes just as confused about this as i am, and i'm hoping hes wrong, because i love him to death and dont want to lose him as a boyfriend, i dont want to break up and be "just friends" with him, i cant, this is an extremely painful situation i'm in and i really need some advice, i dont know what to do.

(sry for the long post..)
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replied October 20th, 2007
Be Friends
If he is still hanging out with you and showing you affection i think he is telling yu the truth, he may be scared and hurt by his new feelings and you being there shows how much you care and naturally he still cares and loves you just in a different way!! Dont be offended i would be happy he felt comfortable with you and was willing to talk about it with you he didn't just dump you with no explanation!!! that's the worst
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replied October 20th, 2007
Thx
i know i'm lucky he still cares enough not to break up with me yet, and i am happy he still shows affection for me but i wish so badly that things between us could go back to the way they were, although i know that may never happen. I want to be able to move on but part of me hopes things will work out and he'll discover he actually isnt gay.
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replied October 20th, 2007
:)
Well you sound like you have a big heart and are willing to stay by him well he figures things out, good luck and i wish you both the best!!
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replied October 20th, 2007
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Re: My Boyfriend Thinks He's Gay.....
From the "other side" (meaning, someone definitely old enough to be your mom):

What in the heck are you doing having sex at 15 Question Question Question Why are you in such a hurry to grow up? What will you have to look forward to Question Exclamation You've been extraordinarly fortunate that you haven't gotten pregnant, or you'd have one more problem on your plate.

You must understand that one doesn't "jump over the line" and back when one decides one is Gay. (Bisexuality is another matter). If he decides he's Gay, then you are out of the running. He may be trying to decide whether or not he is, and the only thing you can do is to give him space. Being needy and clinging right now is the surest way to get pushed away.

It appears that your relationship has taken a turn. Relationships are dynamic; they evolve over time. At least the good ones do. For you the relationship is in the process of finding a new center, one that you might not like. You have to decide what you want in this relationship. If it kills you that things aren't like they were and may never go back that way then I think you need to tell him so, in a non-accusatory way. You can't change what he is anymore than he can change you.

I've been extremely fortunate to have male friends in my life. Not ex-bfs, friends that happened to be male. I could go to them just I like I could go to any of my gfs whenever I had problems and vice versa. They were like brothers to me and I felt we were closer than any romantic relationship could be because we had been through so much together without any expectations. We accepted each other for who we are--if they had a gf I was thrilled for them.

I'm not certain while you're still going out even though there appears to be very little holding you together. I suspect it's because you're afraid to be on your own again and a "bad" relationship is better than none. I've gone on that ride before a few times. If you value him as a friend ONLY (and friendship evolves ofer time), then it's still win-win. The two of you can have a friendship that very few people have.

Otherwise, you're going have to let him know that you can't handle what's happening now and need time to think this over. You also have to define what you will and will not do with him. When I was in my 30s I was with this guy who was a born-again Christian. We would make out at his house and one thing would lead to another...and when things were over, he'd start lecturing me about scripture. I think he was trying to have it both ways. I started drawing a line and he'd say that was fine and it was...until he initiated things. Then it was the same old thing. After awhile I got tired of being pulled and pushed and, much as I hated to do it, I had to end it. I did and never looked back.

I know it's hard to not know what tomorrow will bring for the two of you but you must let things run their course. Your romantic relationship is non-exclusive so you are free to see whomever you want so go ahead.

But wait on the sex thing--that's the absolute worst thing to base a relationship on. That comes at the end.

Good luck and do keep posting.
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replied October 21st, 2007
.....
ok, first of all, i didnt come here to be lectured about sex, i know I might seem young to you but i can assure you i fully understand all the precautions i have to take and I'm not going to end up pregnant. Dont just come to the conclusion that I'm only another stupid teenager who thinks sex is all "fun and games", because I'm not an idiot. Our relationship is NOT based on sex and it never was, i dont even know where you got that idea.

But anyways, the reason i'm still with him is because neither of us want to end it because we are so incredibly close to eachother emotionally and neither of us want to give this up, but I'm afraid things might change alot if we resort to being just friends.

I never said my boyfriend was gay for sure, i only said that he thinks he might be. He cant "decide" to be gay or straight, it isnt a choice and we know this. Hes still trying to figure out his sexuality, which is another reason why we are still together. I have talked to him alot about this situation and i know that things might have to change eventually, if it turns out he really is gay.

We dont have a "bad" relationship as you said. We actually have a great relationship, even though its alot less physical now, but we are both still closer than just friends.

Thanks alot for your advice, but as for the sex thing, I'll make my own decisions on that.
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replied October 21st, 2007
Re: .....
**a fool...... apparently we arent allowed to use the "i" word on this site... o_0
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replied October 22nd, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Sorry disenchanted, I was about to post something about that but then my computer crashed!

You're right, sex at a young age is up to you. You sound smart enough to know the risks so we won't lecture you in a relationship forum sound good? Wink

You do sound like you have a big heart. You two are extremely close and obviously your relationship is based off more than sex or he wouldn't have told you about him thinking he was gay. All you can do is be there for him. If you're comfortable staying in a semi physical relationship, then go ahead, however he is confused. So just remember that your going to get mixed signals. You say you haven't talked too much on it. Is there a reason for that? Try and get him to talk about it. Don't nag, but be the close friend that he needs right now. I hope everything works out for the best! let us know how things go!
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replied October 24th, 2007
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I apologize if I came across as lecturing but when a poster starts out a message with "we no longer have sex" after being in a relationship for only nine months it makes me wonder. People are different and that's what makes the world go around.

I would also gently remind you that I did not use the term "stupid teenager", nor did I call you a fool.

I hope you both find what you're looking for.
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replied October 25th, 2007
lol my message did not start out with that.
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replied October 25th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
oh well. You know what she meant. She's clearly a mom so it was the first thing that caught her eye. We can certainly forgive her that! Very Happy

how are things going with that disenchanted?
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replied October 26th, 2007
Supporter
Actually, I'm not a mom, someone who wanted to help.
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replied October 26th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
I'm sorry entices1, my mom says "coming from the otherside" before she gives my sister and I advice so I just made an assumption without even thinking. I wasn't discrediting your help though
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replied October 30th, 2007
Active User, very eHealthy
IN my opinion, probably not a phase.

Can you encourage him to explore his sexuality?
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replied October 30th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
in my opnion ...youre all too young to worry about losing one another....the guy is def. gay and if he isnt then he will never again be attracted to you physically. once its gone its gone for life.....why dont you focus on having fun with your gf's and studying ...worry about the men later .....if you really loved your ex you would set him free
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replied November 2nd, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
I think you are doing the right thing by still showing you care and being there for his support. Now a days guys are so judged by there curiositys and its wrong to be gay or something. So power to you girl, you sound like an awesome friend. Now he may just be curious because hes young and it could pass and maybe he will magically become attracted you again. But do not keep your hopes up. I dont want to sound harsh but it hurts more when you really hang on to something and dont let go. Try to work on accepting him only as a friend for now. Cause you cant expect what he is incapable of giving . Its not fair to him or you. Its just unfortunate that things arent working out in your favor. But time will pass and your heart will mend, and maybe you will be together or maybe you will meet someone that does give you what you need. Either way hes a friend to keep.

Best Wishes
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replied November 4th, 2007
Emma, you clearly dont quite understand what i am going through, and love doesnt have an age limit. Letting some one go is so much harder then it sounds.
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replied November 4th, 2007
Thanks alot for your reply, rosie, things between us are getting a little better and this problem has made us closer as friends, but letting go of our relationship is still really difficult for me. Thank you so much for your advice.
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replied November 5th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Yes I know 1st hand how hard letting go can be. My first love took three years to get over. Two of those years we werent even a couple. It hurts so bad, you think you wont be able to live without that person. But once you are truly ready to move on you will. The time will come when you will have the strength to do what needs to be done. Just try to be fair to yourself and dont do anything that you know is going to hurt you.
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replied November 15th, 2007
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Hi, disenchanted.
I will also give you some advice from 'the other side' (meaning I'm gay).

I commend him for his honesty. It's a hard thing to try to figure out, and he's definitely on the right track.

I think he needs to go out and experiment (safely!). I fear that if things remain as they are right now (him thinking he's gay... but not quite sure.. yet still wanting to be a couple) nothing's going to change. He will continuously question until he gets his answers. I think you might have to prepare yourself to let go (at the very least for a little while as he figures himself out). This isn't to say that things will be over between you forever... but I think you owe it to yourself to be with someone who is completely sure he's totally attracted to you, right? My advice would be to let him figure things out or you're going to continue to feel frustrated and awkward with your relationship.

If you ever need to talk, don't be afraid to private message me!
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