hey just got a couple of things to say and a couple of questions. ive been going to my doctor for about 2 or 3 months now under supervision for suicidal watch and my deranged thoughts and such. i have been experiencing schizo-like symptoms for about a year and a half now(just a little background info). im not on any medication as i refuse to take most of them just not knowing what its going to do to me.

last night as i was tryin to sleep some voices kinda just started up.. it started with me like talkin in my head and slowly it got more and more real and really started to scare me. they where sayin really horrible things and sometimes it was a whole room of people talk to me. this made me get up and out of bed and start pacing my room at about 4.30 in the morning. after about half an hour of that i just laughed and said like "what the hell am i doing?!?!"

i layed back down and turned the lights off and as i started to relax the voices came back. then i forget how it started but i can remember hearing a piano and seeing in my mind exactly how it works and what key needs to be struck for a certain sound. but every few minutes sometimes more regularly a bung note would come and feel like it was "in my head" so to speak. these notes seems unusally savage and hurt my brain and my ears everytime it happened. im wishing i got up and wrote this down last night because its like its almost erased from my memory i can barely remember it.

my question is this, does it sound like that my psychosis is getting worse? and should i get on some kind of meds?, im really in fear that i could kill myself at any time not cause i want to but because something might make me or who knows. i have days where this illness is a gift and gives me insight into alot of things but it seems like i might be goin downhill and going somewhere ill never come back from?

i guess what im hoping for is someone who has had this illness for a long time to kinda give me an idea of if i need to be on meds or something? the only thing that seems to stop my episodes for a while seems to be exercise. If i start doin pushups or punchin a punching bag everything almost disapears. just like to hear what any one else thinks??