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I Am So Depressed...i Am Becoming Evil...

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younglad

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Jun 2007
Posts: 104
Location: , UK, England, London
I Am So Depressed...i Am Becoming Evil...
Posted: 10-12-07 18:06pm

Hi all...

I want you to know why I am depressed from my historical life, physical life, social life and my mental life...

I am 18 years old. I am lonely, and all my friends have gone to university. At some points I kind of hated them as they mocked me in my physical features.

Well I am depressed because:

-My testicles are small,
-2% of my sperms are alive,
-I do not have proper erections, never ever had one, only a mere semi,
-My testicles and penis have not developed, my penis length and girth is the same as when I was 11 etc.
-And due to my hormones, I am not fully masculine. My face is not like a man's. It is of an infant. Chubby, round...
-My facial hair is a bit, not much.
-And most of all, I have an odd body, due to my hormone mess up from birth. I am missing 4 inches from my trunk (body/hip to shoulder). My arms and legs are of someone who is 6ft2 but I am only 5ft10. Get a ruler, and measure 4 inches on your stomach vertically, than imagine all of that section gone.

You know how ugly I feel, lonley, depressed, terririfed, my life what is it? I feel no one likes me in a real way, even my sisters. I feel lonely. I cannot love a woman. I go shopping, and nothing looks good on me. Now do not mention taylored clothing, as the 4 inch gap is rare and hidious condition. On top I look in the mirror and cry. I am not proportionate. I know people are tall and small, but being improportionate is different. Nothing looks good, nothing fits.

I wore a suit, and my sisters said I look like a kid, trying to look smart. That hurt. So many things. I went shopping with a cousin and another time with a friend. Trying on clothes, they looke good, when it came to me, nothing looked good. Nothing, they even noticed and hinted it out...

I am good perosn, I care passionately, and no one knows my depression. I do not want to talk to anyone as I have health worries. Now when people talk about me, try to be funny with me trying to be supurior etc, looking down upon me. People stare and I sense they look and see me odd. And, I hate everyone...

What can I do? Researching my problem, and going to the hospital. The journey is tough, if I don't get cured, my odd body. I am like this for life. And people look in a weird way.

With disabled people (god bless them) people give sympathy. With me, it is another story, people shut me out, etc etc. So match gossip, I don't know why, my sisters everyone saying I look caca in clothes...this that...

My physical problems cause the odd body and poor sexual fucntion and development. I am lonely, and I cannot mix with people. Also I don't like people, generally all abuse thier bodies getting drunk to the extreme etc, negativity on one another etc. I have a bent nose that is blocked I need surgery but first I need to sort out my serious problems like my odd body and sexual development. It is intefering with my school work heavily, I already failed and my depression makes it worse. I have not done any work at all accept a bit in school since september. I am doing my A2. I have dropped a subject cos my depression is causing a delay in concentration.

All my so called friends (now gone to uni, and used to mock me a bit now and then, having little digs) are training to get good bodies and date, buying clothes etc and looking fab. Well now this is all I can say in my misery and sorrow, "these unconditional fools who take little digs at me and their small hate and the acting. that acting is evil and cowarldy. oh well the women will love then, yes? of course they can have a bit of their meat" oh well, who needs anyone. forget about those men and women the fools, i can sit and ponder in my hate and self mockery..what could I do to them in my anger.

What else can I say. My sister has called me ugly saying she is embarrassed! I have told her my problems, but she does not see why I am depressed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I made my hair look good, grew a mere bumb fluff and I got enough looks. That was me trying...but why shall I try when my body is odd???? and my MANHOOD IS NOT WORKING!!!!!! But, my face changes from look to look cos I am not fully matured due to my messed up hormones. And now I do not look at women. Some doctors upset me by being stupid and ignorant, they can have thier money!!!!!!! I am researching so much, it tires me out, going sleep late nights, I have done no school work but notes on my problem with a total of 120 sides of A4 writing.....and files on my pc on my problem...now I am soon getting the right doctors I need...I pray....I hate mankind, I hate fools and women. I do not care, before I used to cry...

Now I hate... Crying
or Very sad

I hate people digging and I hate people pretending, I am sick of talking, and talk no more.................I swear death is calling me......
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younglad

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Jun 2007
Posts: 104
Location: , UK, England, London

Posted: 10-12-07 18:14pm

forgot to add,,,,I hate my parents,,,,for not seeing my problem with their foolish ignorance and stupidity,,,

and my aunt who used to abuse me,,,and my stupid parents who let her live with us in the same home.....

that mentally screwed my mind,,,,so much abuse,,physical and mental,,,,to an infant!!!!!

i hate them all for it,,,

how can one not see a child is not having proper erections!!! infant boys get them,,etc,,etc,,,,and my father for being stupid.

i asked him some months ago,,,what operation did i have as a baby,,,,in hope of getting more facts on my sexual organs,,,,he kept saying "the thing u know etc" and i was like what! what do i know!!!! then he said testicles,,,

i felt disgusted,,,,that stupid mentality of his,,has left me in my state today,,,

parents shld check thier kids!!!

i hate them, i hate my sistes,,i hate men,,stereotypical men,preying on others to make themselves feel better,,,i hate women,,,,,i hate everyone,,,

what do i do,,,,,,,,

nothing,,,i pray i get cured,,,

i am sick of being treated like dirt by everyone,,,and when i truthfully in the honest means retaliate I am called the villain, by people and family,,,,

i dont understand the stupidity of this world,,,

and why i am cursed with an oddy ugly body...skinny arms and legs ,,,small body........penis small and never erecting,,

now if somebody tells me to go out and enjoy life,,,find a girl> think twice > stupidity is evil,,,

Crying
or Very sad Crying
or Very sad Crying
or Very sad Crying
or Very sad
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younglad

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Jun 2007
Posts: 104
Location: , UK, England, London

Posted: 10-12-07 18:17pm

saying I look health question in clothes...this that...


**** saying I look ugly in clothes...this that...
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younglad

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Jun 2007
Posts: 104
Location: , UK, England, London

Posted: 10-12-07 18:19pm

i am a year behind in school,,,people dont know why,,,,and one knows why
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seren_

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Oct 2007
Posts: 8

Posted: 10-12-07 23:36pm

Sounds like you need to see a doctor about the depression.
I really don't think you're evil, frustrated sounds more like it.
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Enlightened Uselessness

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Sep 2007
Posts: 86
Location: ,

Posted: 10-13-07 00:47am

Yeah, I agree with the above person; no internet page is going to help you with such a severe problem. A professional, however, will.
I also don't understand why you (seem?) to hate everyone based on a few people's actions. Sounds like you're generalizing to me.
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younglad

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Jun 2007
Posts: 104
Location: , UK, England, London

Posted: 10-13-07 14:50pm

Enlightened Uselessness wrote:
Yeah, I agree with the above person; no internet page is going to help you with such a severe problem. A professional, however, will.
I also don't understand why you (seem?) to hate everyone based on a few people's actions. Sounds like you're generalizing to me.


I am sorry, but I have taken too much too much. On top my physical problem is not helping me...

I am seeing a therapist and going to see if my physical health can be checked, in London.

I am doing something...

Your right, I'm not evil, but I am very scare...so lonely...with my ugly problems...mentally losing it.... Crying
or Very sad
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seren_

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Oct 2007
Posts: 8

Posted: 10-13-07 19:00pm

You'll find a lot of people who feel like they're mentally losing it on this forum, at least you're in good company.
Being scared and lonely is understandable with everything you're dealing with. Going to a therapist is a good idea. Good luck in london.
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