I Am So Depressed...i Am Becoming Evil...

Hi all...

I want you to know why I am depressed from my historical life, physical life, social life and my mental life...

I am 18 years old. I am lonely, and all my friends have gone to university. At some points I kind of hated them as they mocked me in my physical features.

Well I am depressed because:

-My testicles are small,
-2% of my sperms are alive,
-I do not have proper erections, never ever had one, only a mere semi,
-My testicles and penis have not developed, my penis length and girth is the same as when I was 11 etc.
-And due to my hormones, I am not fully masculine. My face is not like a man's. It is of an infant. Chubby, round...
-My facial hair is a bit, not much.
-And most of all, I have an odd body, due to my hormone mess up from birth. I am missing 4 inches from my trunk (body/hip to shoulder). My arms and legs are of someone who is 6ft2 but I am only 5ft10. Get a ruler, and measure 4 inches on your stomach vertically, than imagine all of that section gone.

You know how ugly I feel, lonley, depressed, terririfed, my life what is it? I feel no one likes me in a real way, even my sisters. I feel lonely. I cannot love a woman. I go shopping, and nothing looks good on me. Now do not mention taylored clothing, as the 4 inch gap is rare and hidious condition. On top I look in the mirror and cry. I am not proportionate. I know people are tall and small, but being improportionate is different. Nothing looks good, nothing fits.

I wore a suit, and my sisters said I look like a kid, trying to look smart. That hurt. So many things. I went shopping with a cousin and another time with a friend. Trying on clothes, they looke good, when it came to me, nothing looked good. Nothing, they even noticed and hinted it out...

I am good perosn, I care passionately, and no one knows my depression. I do not want to talk to anyone as I have health worries. Now when people talk about me, try to be funny with me trying to be supurior etc, looking down upon me. People stare and I sense they look and see me odd. And, I hate everyone...

What can I do? Researching my problem, and going to the hospital. The journey is tough, if I don't get cured, my odd body. I am like this for life. And people look in a weird way.

With disabled people (god bless them) people give sympathy. With me, it is another story, people shut me out, etc etc. So match gossip, I don't know why, my sisters everyone saying I look caca in clothes...this that...

My physical problems cause the odd body and poor sexual fucntion and development. I am lonely, and I cannot mix with people. Also I don't like people, generally all abuse thier bodies getting drunk to the extreme etc, negativity on one another etc. I have a bent nose that is blocked I need surgery but first I need to sort out my serious problems like my odd body and sexual development. It is intefering with my school work heavily, I already failed and my depression makes it worse. I have not done any work at all accept a bit in school since september. I am doing my A2. I have dropped a subject cos my depression is causing a delay in concentration.

All my so called friends (now gone to uni, and used to mock me a bit now and then, having little digs) are training to get good bodies and date, buying clothes etc and looking fab. Well now this is all I can say in my misery and sorrow, "these unconditional fools who take little digs at me and their small hate and the acting. that acting is evil and cowarldy. oh well the women will love then, yes? of course they can have a bit of their meat" oh well, who needs anyone. forget about those men and women the fools, i can sit and ponder in my hate and self mockery..what could I do to them in my anger.

What else can I say. My sister has called me ugly saying she is embarrassed! I have told her my problems, but she does not see why I am depressed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I made my hair look good, grew a mere bumb fluff and I got enough looks. That was me trying...but why shall I try when my body is odd???? and my MANHOOD IS NOT WORKING!!!!!! But, my face changes from look to look cos I am not fully matured due to my messed up hormones. And now I do not look at women. Some doctors upset me by being stupid and ignorant, they can have thier money!!!!!!! I am researching so much, it tires me out, going sleep late nights, I have done no school work but notes on my problem with a total of 120 sides of A4 writing.....and files on my pc on my problem...now I am soon getting the right doctors I need...I pray....I hate mankind, I hate fools and women. I do not care, before I used to cry...

Now I hate...

I hate people digging and I hate people pretending, I am sick of talking, and talk no more.................I swear death is calling me......