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Mental Health > Depression Forum > I Am So Depressed...i Am Becoming Evil...
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Q: I Am So Depressed...i Am Becoming Evil...
asked by: younglad on October 12th, 2007
Experienced User
Hi all...

I want you to know why I am depressed from my historical life, physical life, social life and my mental life...

I am 18 years old. I am lonely, and all my friends have gone to university. At some points I kind of hated them as they mocked me in my physical features.

Well I am depressed because:

-My testicles are small,
-2% of my sperms are alive,
-I do not have proper erections, never ever had one, only a mere semi,
-My testicles and penis have not developed, my penis length and girth is the same as when I was 11 etc.
-And due to my hormones, I am not fully masculine. My face is not like a man's. It is of an infant. Chubby, round...
-My facial hair is a bit, not much.
-And most of all, I have an odd body, due to my hormone mess up from birth. I am missing 4 inches from my trunk (body/hip to shoulder). My arms and legs are of someone who is 6ft2 but I am only 5ft10. Get a ruler, and measure 4 inches on your stomach vertically, than imagine all of that section gone.

You know how ugly I feel, lonley, depressed, terririfed, my life what is it? I feel no one likes me in a real way, even my sisters. I feel lonely. I cannot love a woman. I go shopping, and nothing looks good on me. Now do not mention taylored clothing, as the 4 inch gap is rare and hidious condition. On top I look in the mirror and cry. I am not proportionate. I know people are tall and small, but being improportionate is different. Nothing looks good, nothing fits.

I wore a suit, and my sisters said I look like a kid, trying to look smart. That hurt. So many things. I went shopping with a cousin and another time with a friend. Trying on clothes, they looke good, when it came to me, nothing looked good. Nothing, they even noticed and hinted it out...

I am good perosn, I care passionately, and no one knows my depression. I do not want to talk to anyone as I have health worries. Now when people talk about me, try to be funny with me trying to be supurior etc, looking down upon me. People stare and I sense they look and see me odd. And, I hate everyone...

What can I do? Researching my problem, and going to the hospital. The journey is tough, if I don't get cured, my odd body. I am like this for life. And people look in a weird way.

With disabled people (god bless them) people give sympathy. With me, it is another story, people shut me out, etc etc. So match gossip, I don't know why, my sisters everyone saying I look caca in clothes...this that...

My physical problems cause the odd body and poor sexual fucntion and development. I am lonely, and I cannot mix with people. Also I don't like people, generally all abuse thier bodies getting drunk to the extreme etc, negativity on one another etc. I have a bent nose that is blocked I need surgery but first I need to sort out my serious problems like my odd body and sexual development. It is intefering with my school work heavily, I already failed and my depression makes it worse. I have not done any work at all accept a bit in school since september. I am doing my A2. I have dropped a subject cos my depression is causing a delay in concentration.

All my so called friends (now gone to uni, and used to mock me a bit now and then, having little digs) are training to get good bodies and date, buying clothes etc and looking fab. Well now this is all I can say in my misery and sorrow, "these unconditional fools who take little digs at me and their small hate and the acting. that acting is evil and cowarldy. oh well the women will love then, yes? of course they can have a bit of their meat" oh well, who needs anyone. forget about those men and women the fools, i can sit and ponder in my hate and self mockery..what could I do to them in my anger.

What else can I say. My sister has called me ugly saying she is embarrassed! I have told her my problems, but she does not see why I am depressed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I made my hair look good, grew a mere bumb fluff and I got enough looks. That was me trying...but why shall I try when my body is odd???? and my MANHOOD IS NOT WORKING!!!!!! But, my face changes from look to look cos I am not fully matured due to my messed up hormones. And now I do not look at women. Some doctors upset me by being stupid and ignorant, they can have thier money!!!!!!! I am researching so much, it tires me out, going sleep late nights, I have done no school work but notes on my problem with a total of 120 sides of A4 writing.....and files on my pc on my problem...now I am soon getting the right doctors I need...I pray....I hate mankind, I hate fools and women. I do not care, before I used to cry...

Now I hate... Crying or Very sad

I hate people digging and I hate people pretending, I am sick of talking, and talk no more.................I swear death is calling me......
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Replies(12)
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younglad
replied on October 12th, 2007
Experienced User
forgot to add,,,,I hate my parents,,,,for not seeing my problem with their foolish ignorance and stupidity,,,

and my aunt who used to abuse me,,,and my stupid parents who let her live with us in the same home.....

that mentally screwed my mind,,,,so much abuse,,physical and mental,,,,to an infant!!!!!

i hate them all for it,,,

how can one not see a child is not having proper erections!!! infant boys get them,,etc,,etc,,,,and my father for being stupid.

i asked him some months ago,,,what operation did i have as a baby,,,,in hope of getting more facts on my sexual organs,,,,he kept saying "the thing u know etc" and i was like what! what do i know!!!! then he said testicles,,,

i felt disgusted,,,,that stupid mentality of his,,has left me in my state today,,,

parents shld check thier kids!!!

i hate them, i hate my sistes,,i hate men,,stereotypical men,preying on others to make themselves feel better,,,i hate women,,,,,i hate everyone,,,

what do i do,,,,,,,,

nothing,,,i pray i get cured,,,

i am sick of being treated like dirt by everyone,,,and when i truthfully in the honest means retaliate I am called the villain, by people and family,,,,

i dont understand the stupidity of this world,,,

and why i am cursed with an oddy ugly body...skinny arms and legs ,,,small body........penis small and never erecting,,

now if somebody tells me to go out and enjoy life,,,find a girl> think twice > stupidity is evil,,,

Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad
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younglad
replied on October 12th, 2007
Experienced User
saying I look health question in clothes...this that...


**** saying I look ugly in clothes...this that...
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younglad
replied on October 12th, 2007
Experienced User
i am a year behind in school,,,people dont know why,,,,and one knows why
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seren_
replied on October 12th, 2007
New User
Sounds like you need to see a doctor about the depression.
I really don't think you're evil, frustrated sounds more like it.
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Enlightened Uselessness
replied on October 13th, 2007
Experienced User
Yeah, I agree with the above person; no internet page is going to help you with such a severe problem. A professional, however, will.
I also don't understand why you (seem?) to hate everyone based on a few people's actions. Sounds like you're generalizing to me.
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younglad
replied on October 13th, 2007
Experienced User
Enlightened Uselessness wrote:
Yeah, I agree with the above person; no internet page is going to help you with such a severe problem. A professional, however, will.
I also don't understand why you (seem?) to hate everyone based on a few people's actions. Sounds like you're generalizing to me.


I am sorry, but I have taken too much too much. On top my physical problem is not helping me...

I am seeing a therapist and going to see if my physical health can be checked, in London.

I am doing something...

Your right, I'm not evil, but I am very scare...so lonely...with my ugly problems...mentally losing it.... Crying or Very sad
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seren_
replied on October 13th, 2007
New User
You'll find a lot of people who feel like they're mentally losing it on this forum, at least you're in good company.
Being scared and lonely is understandable with everything you're dealing with. Going to a therapist is a good idea. Good luck in london.
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challengeverything
replied on January 26th, 2009
New User
deep s***
I knw how u feel man,i feel u man,ure story the same as mine,except the testicals and pennis
dnt let it push u down!!its not how much u can push back ure problems ,its how much u can take the hit and still stand still!!take the challenge,stop giving excuses!fight back,improve,solve,ure matter..be a winner!not a loser!ppl hate u,u be steel!head strong my friend!thats what i do,my family ignores my craps!so what do i do,mind my own business and take the hit and move on..studies come first my friend,i screwd my alevels y failing chem,2 passes and bio fail to,i was depressed cause no body was there to help me study,all the fights and the pain,hurt,anger made me screw my exams..now i have to do foundation back!and still i fight i not giving up..u tink(im saying) its easy to say ha??i been true worse then anyone ,i was cripple for a year when i was 17 and also bed ridden for another year when i was 18..i have a chubby face,measuring my pennis..tinkin thats its short i still find my soluions ..so stop giving excuses ,take the hit and fight back!!stand up for urself!give a s*** for no one!except those who love u and care!prove u are worthit my friend!prove them wrong dnt let them tease u,show them that their hints or insults are nothing,their only words,dnt be a p***y!ure the man!!here, stand up..work it out!
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Aquamarine_Angel
replied on January 29th, 2009
Experienced User
i had a crappy day today, but hearing ur story was good for me, don't give up,just don't care it will cause more pain. If you get pain from them they win , don't let them win, you should win.
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gravyy
replied on May 18th, 2009
New User
gravyy
I agree with aquamarine, the less you care, the happier you will be. And trust, the less you care, the easier everything will eventually get. This is a hard skill master that is definitely for sure, but you have to try. Take small steps. Try not caring, and ignoring all of the negative thoughts for one day. The more you do it, the easier it will become, until eventually it will be a part of your life.
**The most important thing I want to tell you is that in order for you or anyone to actually be in a state of true well being, you have to develop a spiritual deimension, Trust God, he works in mighty mysterious ways, and puts Everything in our path for a reason. You might be suffering now, but just wait what bliss will await in your fter life. Those who suffer (especially those with physical problems like yourself) go straight to heaven. Consider yourself lucky my friend, as this time here on earth is only temporary, and you seem to be suffering a lot here on earth, which not everyone has the opportunity to. Many will judge, and tease, and belittle, because they may not know suffering on this earth. But God is very just. Always remember that. Don't ever sink to their level and sacrifice your eternal happiness. **

God Bless
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ServiceU
replied on May 20th, 2009
Supporter
depression makes you feel negative, bitter, angry, your hurt, and this is why your feeling the way you do. i was hurt by a man a long time ago, and i went through my "i hate all men phase"

you have to try to be positive. Deal with the hand that God dealt you! i seen a women on t.v and she had no legs, and she was married and she did everything i can do & she had such a positive spirit.
forget about what people have to say! consentrate on yourself and finding a doctor for your problem.
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234322352332
replied on August 27th, 2009
New User
look dont worry about those people. ur family sucks. forget them. they didnt give u the proper treatment then they make fun of you for it. just try your hardest not to let other people bother you. get whatever surgery you can to help with your physical problems and just be a nice person..someone people want to be around. stay positive and im sure you will meet someone (a girl) that loves u for how u act, not how you look. just start off fresh with a positive attitude and forget about who wronged you in the past..look towards the future and put yourself out there and ur sure to meet someone.
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