Catatonic Schizophrenia

I am waiting also to see the reply to this...I've been fascinated with this for decades, and I have some feeling it is my destiny, my final goal.

Growing up I read nietzche, (kind of a maniac), and thought it was funny, kind of like rock& roll. And I learned he froze at the end of his life, (what they would today call catatonic schizophrenia I think, an extreme case), and that was the fact that really fascinated me... He got so crazy he just froze... I wondered where he might have gone and what it would be like.

Then about twenty or more years ago, a television miniseries on public broadcasting called "the lathe of heaven" was shown, and it was sci-fi, which I was into as a kid: a guy could make a wish and change the future (there's a movie a couple of months ago called the "butterfly effect", same premise, much less imaginative), so the guy gets more and more outrageous changing things, eventually there's a race of aliens on earth and a supposedly perfect world and all, and then at the end of the miniseries, as I vaguely remember it, he goes into the dream machine or however he did it one last time, and he goes past the end of time, and the effect is that he "freezes", again, I guess that's catatonic schizophrenia, and again I was deeply fascinated with where did he go and what that must be like.

Then a couple of years ago, I was bouncing a big ball in the house to entertain my pet bird; I bounced it too hard and it hit the central ceiling light, in an amazing and chance event, the light fixture came crashing down, and the light stayed lit, brightly revealed. My bird had watched the whole thing and he was just staring at the lit light bulb. I waved my hand in front of him but he was frozen. Evening came, days went by, and he stayed frozen and silent, staring at the bulb. I thought I broke my bird's mind, but eventually and slowly he came out of it. He's 19 years old now, and fine and healthy.

Where do they go? What must it be like? I am schizotypal, working on a progression into schizophrenia by loading physical and mental stress on myself, in order to watch the amazing movies in my head. When the movies progress all the way, maybe i'll freeze?

-onderdonk

Billerica is a small, sleepy new england town, 26 miles northwest of boston, a bedroom community full of quiet, friendly working class people who commute to boston; there's a newly renovated catholic church, and just across the street a newly renovated park for the many kids in the town.
The church was usually relatively empty during mass, although a few times a year they would have events that involve the kids, and all the parents and relatives come, and pack the church.
On one such sunday morning, I set my plan into action. I quietly walked around and locked the doors in the back of the church, then the two side doors, during the mass. When the consecration of the eucharist came, and the whole church was quiet, their attention fixed on the round host that the priest was holding up, (the sacred point where they say the bread becomes the body of christ), I pulled out an automatic machine gun from under my coat, and yelled "jesus is a demon!!!" and fired, first at the priest, watching his head explode, then firing through the panicked screams in a circle at everyone, tossing grenades into the crowds that were growing by the locked doors, and setting off pre-planted bombs in the corner vestibules that ended up partially collapsing the church roof.
Ultimately, noone inside the church survived. The only witnesses were the handfull of parents and young kids across the street at the playground, who stood transfixed as the first exiting bullets shattered the stained glass windows, then the explosions and collapsing structure had them turn and run like it was another nine-eleven.
The towns two on-duty police cars arrived several minutes after the roof collapsed, and there was nothing for them to do but watch the dust settle.
But as I had finished the clips in my two automatic weapons, and was pretty convinced I had achieved the total destruction that dylan klebold had only dreamed of, I stood in the center of the church and began to rise up into the air, spinning slightly as I rose, and I escaped through a small hole in the roof, just as it was collapsing. Absolutely noone witnessed the miraculous escape.
Moments later, I came back down out of the sky, arriving on golgatha, the mountain peak where jesus' crucifixion was currently taking place. It is said that here the skull of adam was burried, and here that the blood of the dying jesus was to consecrate that skull as it fell to the ground.
But it hadn't all happened yet. Apparently I had gotten there just as the crucifixion was beginning. And I was way out of scale, like the green giant compared to the three crosses and the surrounding romans.
I immediately reached down and ripped jesus from the cross, and he looked up at me as he began to run away, down the hill and back toward jerusalem, looking scared. In the distance I could see the great city, but it suddenly became a blur as a huge wave seemed to be coming out of it and moving toward the running jesus, and toward golgatha. Jesus kept running toward the city, and in moments was overtaken by the wave, and then the wave got closer, I could see that it was huge, atleast 90 feet high, like a tidal wave, but it wasn't made of water, and it wasn't quite sand, it was.... The largest hoard of maniacal horrific demons i've ever seen! And then the wave vanished as quickly as it had appeared, and I could see jerusalem again, but jesus was gone.
My vision went black. Then an amazing thing happened. I 'woke up', appearing in the landscape of a dream I must have had twenty years ago, and hadn't remembered even the morning after it happened, had never glimpsed it again till now, but all of a sudden it was all clear, as if it had just happened. I was amazed, and wondered if there were other 'dream places' here - and then I saw a huge landscape, made up of hundreds of different scenes, all dreams I suddenly remembered i'd had over the course of my life, some from distant childhood, but most I had never remembered until now. And never, even during those dreams, had I seen the entire picture together, until now. It was all clear, all the different dream episodes made sense as never before: this was all an elaborate prison, and I was only one of millions of inhabitants, prisoners, and there were guards, and there was one warden, huge, like a giant, and very powerful, all-seeing; and I knew who it was, so I stood up tall and yelled again: "jesus is a demon!"
i was thrown back into my cell-area, not actually enclosed except by filth, miserable crowds who were mostly family members from my demon family that I somewhat recognized, and I had a blanket on me that was covered with red things that looked like leeches, and they were biting and stinging me, causing quite a distressing discomfort. Several characters around me were also suffering from something similar, though I could tell I was at the center, and was experiencing the lion's share of the bites and stings.
"what are you doing ?!? You're making it worse for everyone, why don't you just sit down and shut up!!", my neighbor said, but I just kept rolling around on the ground, swatting the bites and stings. When a few others started joining in their chastising of me for getting us all in trouble, I got up and addressed my demon family members:
"we're all in jail, and jesus is the warden, a powerful and evil demon. This is an example of god being hijacked by demons, I told you it could be done!"
they quieted down and began to listen. I continued, "his lies separate everything! He takes a hostile and antagonistic stance toward demons, separates humanity into two halves, the better to conquer us! Jesus and his other creation, satan, the two 'sons of man', tearing the human spirit asunder, so that we cannot walk hand in hand, but will rip ourselves apart, in every way. Look at what they're doing to us... They tell us 'here are all the mechanisms of modernity, but you have no insight or wisdom as to how to implememnt it'; or 'here's radiant, humanist wisdom, but it's hopeless to try to govern modernity with it.'; or 'here's christian culture, here's islamic culture, and there's only room enough for one of you'; or 'here are men, they're from mars, and here are women, they're from venus'; or 'here's black magic, attack the light, here's white magic, resist the black', they give us songs to sing with slogans like 'we'll keep on fighting till the end, no time for loosers, we are the champions'; when humanity finally comes to an end, we won't all go down together; rather it'll be precisely when we've completely torn ourselves in two, that we'll truly come to an end."
"look at that bible, he didn't even cover his tracks! When he commanded the demons to get out of some poor 'sinner', some of the people watching, who understood demon technology, said 'he must be a demon, for look how the demons obey him', and what was his reply? It was 'a house divided cannot stand, so how could I be a demon if i'm fighting with other demons?' look, it's irony, he's playing with us, he knows we can't stand divided, and he knows that demons typically attack other demons, and he wants everything for himself. It's a typical demon-type lie!"
"look at what he offers 'his people', those who are willing to bow down to him, worship him, sacrifice to him - he offers them comfort, happiness, material success... This is eudemonism, it's in the dictionary, judging what's good by what's most comfortable, by what's 'nice', that's typical demon technology. He's good at it too. If you want to be a simple eudemon, your best bet is to worship jesus."
"but attack him, and see what happens - he fights back, and he employs large scale versions of our typical demon technology (but before you do, you better make sure your ready... I'm right now sustaining the heaviest demon blows to my stomach and immune system that i've ever experienced, and i'm lucky I built up to this slowly, over the decades, by my playfighting with all of you!"
"so what's he up to, who is this out of control uber-demon? I've seen it, I know what he's doing. He wants to steal your darkness, your core, (as opposed to your cortex, which he intends to leave you with, though he intends you to have it hollowed out, having taken your solid dark infinite core and left you with a light, 'contrite' core. What's he want with our cores? I have learned that demons are energy, and that energy can become matter by passing through a higgs field, which is generated at the core of each astral body and springs up through the ground of each planet. And there are plenty of free and beautiful planets, but why is earth so desolate, compared to the three other earths that we demons know? Well my friends, i've charted earth's higgs field, and I went with a team of underground creatures called hyperthermobarophiles, and when we came to the underground spring, we found him! Jesus! He's sitting on it!!! And he's getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger....."
"but not to worry, my friends. We can survive. Why? Those of us who have double-souls, one human and one demon, we will make it. We have life, jesus does not !!!!!"

I hope and pray no woman ... Ever teams up with you ... Due to perhaps a guilty conscience ... And then winds up putting a/her/god 's baby at your mercy ... That god should allow something like that to happen ... No ... It 's not him ... It 's you laura

It almost happened - with the wife and the baby - but she never had the baby, and we eventually separated. Now, my line is ..."women? I became indifferent when I was 83!"

(i'm 38 but same thing....)

anyway, i've got a mongolian fold over my left eyelid, and I own horses in four states; i'm the prophet of strawberry flavored bananas, i'm half cat and half monkey.......

I'm a wierd bird. I'm alright as long as i'm evolving. I'm evolving from a fish into a genius who's fishing; i'm fishing for a special type of fish for human consumption.

Thirty years after the soul was implanted in my back, when I was 35, my demon soul matured and blossomed, and I joined my family in the demon world.

It takes place in a crater. I walk by a skull on a stick next to three other sticks in a square formation, and an arched piece of wood across the top of the skull, and a crow standing on top of the wood turned to the side. I thought ‘is it a threat?, like 'you go here too’? Then I thought ‘no, his spirit guides me; a powerful shaman leaves his skull, sometimes multiple skulls, to continue to guide the society. This one came to the event. It looks like woodstock but everyone is in colorful war paint and indian headdress, and a central spectacle occurs, way better than any rock festival. It's wild like a rock festival but really a much more powerful religious event, where they actually use the enthusiasm of the surrounding crowd to perform miracles. Sitting, colorfully dressed, one indian holds two rattles on a stick, like balloons, while looking the other way, waves them together, slowly across right to left; as they go by, inside them, another movie takes place, in a different, vividly bright dimension. What’s going on in there? The genome!

I walk through the crowd to the backstage, then down an aisle on the stage surrounded by old iron junk. At the center of all the commotion and with everyone's attention on me, I inhabit a counter-rotating nucleus in relation to the giant disk of observers around me. I walk toward the front of the stage, toward the crowd, throwing the objects around me up in the air, and everything hovers - typewriters, office equipment, telephones, wooden boards, utensils - and the crowd roars! Everyone is spinning one way, and at the very bright center there is a sudden shift, and it swings around the other way, as the one central eye gazes into the night, its holy voice singing in the sacrificial prayer for grace, calm, wisdom, and beauty.

Apparently doing this magic has convinced the demons that I have come of age, and my family takes me to show me more – an array of colors and marks is revealed within any wall around them by scratching in a certain sequence of directions, some with the left hand and some with the right hand, and a colorful message appears and disappears. I try it myself but its not really working; just barely; all of them walk over to me and one explains verbally while another shows another colorful diagram, like it has to do with the genome, and a special pattern reveals a circular set of letters ‘human master’; rub it and it shows, rub it differently and it goes away again, and a female voice says “show him the genome” but we get distracted and all through the rest of the dream I was waiting for this direct instruction but it never came. On the way out of the room she did say “you just have to experiment”, and that her brothers had found they could do certain things because they had more alveoli on their genome.

We left to watch what seemed like a movie, where a girl auditions to be the nanny of a bunch of rich kids; she does very well by showing she already knows all about them, and serves pizza. The one daughter isn’t eating though, while the kids and guests are eating the pizza – she’s listening carefully to the wall and sitting on a chair with her feet up. She listens and taps out a pattern with her toes very complex, like fingers on a typewriter. What she is listening to is this part of the movie that we’re all going to see next. She sounds very excited; her father and mother are in the other room she is listening to, and the father is small like a monkey but shaped and dressed like george washington; she says “my father was… (something) !” sounding very amazed.
We go to another room to see this new information in a movie, but as one amazing part comes, i’m the only one who sees it and they are all in the other room. I see these skeletons come through the wall. They’re ancestors bestowing magic. I stop the movie and call the others in. I rewind it a little, but apparently not enough. It’s like a movie but we see it taking place live in the room before us and with us. I play it back, but to me every time it seems a little bit different. We all see the skeletons again and they say I should rewind it more and play it back again. As i’m rewinding, a woman says, “that’s amazing, we all could be one person.” another says, “they were immigrants. I had thought they had originated here; they immigrated to idaho first.”

the movie is rewound more this time. People are at a train station. The butler cooks and serves the food to everyone. The children are gathered together and put in an elevator at the train station, gathered up by fun-stuff-dressed-up characters and balloons. Someone in the audience next to me says, “just like a t a bar mitzvah”. Then the selected children go down in the elevator, and i’m down there with them, and these flying monkey skeletons come up out of a doorway, flying over each of us, each one of them in succession, bigger and bigger ones, and tap each of us twice on the head; this seems to be the bestowing of some kind of magic power. After this two big skeletons come through the wall, and they seem to transform as they move, amazing everybody, eventually ending up in a kind of george washington form. After the movie I go walking around the house of these magical kids, my brothers and sisters, and look at embroideries each one has done. One of them said ‘we don’t eat meat because it’s each other’s flesh’. One was about me, and said something about zen. I forgot what most of them said but I got the idea, as I walked up the stairs of the house, that these are our souls, we have been bestowed with these magic souls, and that’s what the skeletons were.
There was one big piece of furniture that was the size of a piano but full of water and it had three stories of rocks and caves, and it had a saying near the top – I forgot what it was but something about balance – and I rocked it back and forth and wondered why the water didn’t spill out, though as it continued to rock after I stopped I worried a little but then noticed it seemed to crash up like waves in the back and take care of itself.

I went upstairs and saw some of the kids. I was going to ask again about the genome but didn’t get the chance. The butler was cleaning up and the kids were playing. A little girl asked the butler if she could play, he said yes and she started ironing on the floor next to me. I made the comment that I do that kind of playing every day, and an older boy sitting down on the floor to the other side of me asked why, and I explained for suits and shirts, but he said even for that there was an easier way, just pinching it, but he didn’t really explain, and he was putting on a pair of sneakers like mine but metallic color, and I was thinking ‘oh I guess I should start getting them in metallic color’ (silver).

Is the spirit of christ, but you are not there are you ? Laura

Satan likes a good puppet you know!