Separated From Husband With Bipolar Posted: 10-11-07 23:08pm
I have been married to my husband for 6
years and have two young boys and another
one on the way. We planned all of our
children, but he is mad at me that we have
any of them. He was diagnosed with bipolar
early this past summer but is still not on
meds. Over the past 3 1/2 years he has
lost our house, wracked up debt several
times, become a chronic liar, and had 3
sexual affairs that I know of. I love him
dearly and tried to do everything I could
to stay with him through this ordeal but I
finally had to give up. He has become
extremely verbally abusive to the
children, continued affairs regardless of
how I feel spent money like crazy, began
to sleep a lot and was missing work, and
threatened to punch me in the face and
kill me if I didn't get away from him
during an argument. I reluctantly gave up
trying to help him and left with my
children. It's been a month since I left.
When I first left, he was very cold,
distant, and unnessarily cruel with his
choice of words. Within days of this
behaviour, he told me that he loved me,
missed me, and didn't want to see anyone
but me. He professed that he doesn't want
our separation to be forever and that he
hopes that he can get the help that he
needs before it is too late and he loses
me and our family for good. He says that I
am the only one that has ever believed in
him. After spending two visits with him
(for the boys) and being intimate with
him, he told me that there is no one else.
He has since turned cold again, says that
I abandoned him, and told me that he would
like to begin seeing a woman that he met
at poker. I've seen this pattern before
and I know that it means that he is
already seeing her, and sleeping with her.
He has feelings for her and is now posting
on Facebook that he is sorry that he ever
got married. This also means that he was
sleeping with at least one other woman and
sleeping with me as well. I'll need to
have STD tests done again. How quickly his
feelings change. He is now threatening to
force me to move back to the big city with
the children. Has anyone else had a
similar experience? Presently he is
spending outrageously now that I am not
with him, seeing several women at once,
planning expensive trips and purchasing
vehicles way beyond his means. He can't
keep this pace up. He isn't listening to
anyone, not even me now. He is in a
downward spiral and I am so worried about
him. When do they hit rock bottom? I wish
someone could be with him when it happens.
I wish it could have been me. Any advice
would be helpful.
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BoneyardDiva
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Sep 2007 Posts: 72 Location: Nunya, USA
Posted: 10-14-07 20:54pm
Ask yourself if you can deal with the
betrayal, lies & affairs upon your
return to this individual. It doesn't
sound like he has changed anything (he
really hasn't had the time yet) since
you've separated. It sounds like you are
much more dependent upon him than he is
upon you. If he's seeing other people
& is spending money like crazy, he's
extremely manic at this time. Medicine
& doctors are VERY necessary at a time
like this. If my husband weren't on meds,
he would be the same way.
Please protect YOURSELF & your
CHILDREN right now. The only person who
can change your husband's behavior at this
time is your husband.
BYD
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Sharkette
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 5
Posted: 10-15-07 22:57pm
Thank you for your reply. He texted me
yesterday morning and asked if our
youngest son was ok. I told him that he
was feeling under the weather, but
otherwise fine and asked why? He told me
that he had a dream that he died. He said
he used to dream these dreams all the time
when we still lived together, but would be
able to go and check himself and then go
back to bed relieved. He said that he was
feeling very awful and that he might be
done for. He hates life and doesn't want
to bother anymore. He told me that he was
attending church that morning as well. (He
never goes to church, especially alone).
He had me so worried. I attended service
with my family in the town where I moved
and had everyone say extra prayers for
him. Our hearts went out to him. He texted
me all afternoon and told me to call him
once the boys were in bed for the night. I
video conferenced him. He looked awful.
Hadn't shaved in a week and drinking beer.
He told me that the short relationships
that he's been in since we've separated
aren't doing anything for him. That he has
no business dating anyone because he has
nothing that he is prepared to give. He
told me that he knows he should be with me
and needs to be with me, but has to get on
meds to know for sure to make a life
change. It was a very romantic video
conference and it was nice to see each
other. This morning he texted me to tell
me that he wanted to say good morning,
that he loves me and that he is thinking
of me; actually can't stop thinking about
me. I said that was nice . Then he didn't
contact me for the rest of the day. Rather
strange I thought. Found out later through
the grape vine that he was e-mailing his
latest flavor of the month all day.
Apparently she is bi-polar too. He told
her that he is confused and that he needs
some time alone to think about what he
wants. I also found out that this past
weekend he was planning on taking her home
to meet his family but chickened out. His
family felt it necessary to keep me in the
dark about this relationship that he
denied existed let alone was potentially
this serious about too. I am so hurt. Do I
not deserve the respect to be told that he
is involved with someone? It's bs too that
he is telling me all these sweet things
about being together perhaps again and
that he loves me so much, and really he
was just having a bad day because she was
pulling away from him in her downward
cycle at the same time. I love this guy,
but it is torture to be taken advantage of
just to feel like a huge fool later. I
know that every 2-3 weeks he has a huge
crash like this and it's the only time he
feels that he wants his kids and me in his
life in a capacity more than what it is
presently. The best comparison that i have
is the movie "The Notebook" where the
husband keeps his love alive for his wife
with memory loss (i think alzheimers)
because she comes back to him every once
in a while. He knows that he has very
little time with her while she is herself,
and it somehow sustains him because he
loves her so much. A different version all
beit, I can't pack a lifetime and a family
into the few short days that I get out of
the 2-3 weeks. It breaks my heart
everytime this happens. I have never felt
so sad and alone in my whole life. I hope
that the appointment he has with his
psychologist this week will be successful
in getting him in to see a psychiatrist
quickly who can prescribe meds. He's
spiraling downward more each time he hits
his low cycle. I'm afraid for him.
Although expecting, I am going to see my
doctor about going on a safe medication
for depression and coping myself. It's all
so overwhelming. Thanks for listening.
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Jake3463
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 Aug 2007 Posts: 28 Location: Allentown
Posted: 10-16-07 13:36pm
Until he gets on Meds there is really
nothing you can do for him. If I go off
my medication there is really nothing
anyone can do for me except have me
contained. Make sure you take care of
yourself and your kids first and than if
you have any energy left try to help your
husband. Just remember he isn't going to
behave rationally because his brain
chemistry isn't normal right now. Its not
an excuse because he knows he's sick and
he isn't on medication.
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Georgia59
Moderator
Joined: 11 Apr 2007 Posts: 5542 Location: Along the Mississippi, USA
Thanks: 89
Thanked:31
Posted: 10-16-07 15:41pm
Why hasn't he been treated?
While you do need to protect yourself and
your kids, try to remember that it isn't
his fault. He can't control the way he is
feeling and acting. Try to encourage him
to get treated, and if he does, you can
see if you're willing to come back into
his life.
But I'm glad you're going to the doctor
yourself, you really need to make sure you
are taking care of yourself in light of
the situation. Keep yourself and your kids
safe, and try to encourage him to get
better.
Don't Blame the Bipolar.... Posted: 10-16-07 17:11pm
An a-hole with bipolar is still an
A-hole...The condition doesn't make people
do things they don't want to do...In the
end he is responsible for his
actions...Cheating, abuse, lying, bad
decisions are all deal breakers...
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Sharkette
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 5
He's Agreed to Go to the Hospital Posted: 10-16-07 23:56pm
He has said that I am the only one he will
listen to, so I gave it to him straight
today. He wants me to come and see him and
I told him that it was only on the
condition that he goes to the hospital and
meets with a psychiatrist with me present.
The doctors never get the whole picture if
the person who's been living with the
patient isn't there. I told him to do it
for his kids and himself. How happy my
oldest son who is almost 5 will be to hear
that Daddy is going to get help for his
head that hurts. I am nervous, but this
needs to be done and I'm glad that he is
agreeing to take this step. I can't
imagine it's easy for him. Between telling
me how wonderful I am and that he needs
me, his messages to me were hurtful and
strange. I had to make arrangements for my
mother who is 73 to come and look after my
2 sons while I go to the city to help my
husband. I also had to change
appointments, etc. I have a life here now,
and my kids need me too. Sometimes my
replies to him were not within the hour.
He at one point told me to go f*#@ myself
and leave him alone. That we were done and
that I wouldn't receive any child support
if he commits suicide. That I am going to
make him kill himself. That I am playing
with his head and causing him to be this
way, it's my fault and that I'm not doing
anything to fix it. He asked why I am
doingn this to him. He threatened me and
said that he needs me and if I don't come,
that he can never talk to me again because
I'm making him crazy with this off and on
again stuff. He has really started
manufacturing things. He changes his mind
about how he feels about me on a weekly
basis, sometimes less. I pointed these
things out to him and told him that it
isn't his fault, but it's not my fault
either. The disorder is making him feel
this way. When I finally spoke over the
phone, I was firm but pleasant and I think
I shocked him. I've always been the
submissive one in the relationship and
he's always been in control. The tables
were turned today and I told him that this
is not a social call. I'm not going to
take time away from the boys right now and
drive 4 1/2 hours to see him, if by the
time I get there he is going to tell me
that he has changed his mind about
agreeing to get him immediate help. He
assured me in a very quiet voice that he
is willing to do this. It was so
emotionally draining to have that
conversation with him and relieving at the
same time. I leave in the morning to head
there. I believe in prayer, so if any of
you do, please say one for us. I'll post
Thursday night how things went. This forum
is the best thing I've found to talk to
others who are affected by this
distructive, but treatable condition. I'm
optimistic that he'll get the help he
needs to live a normal life. Something
he's never had. Thanks again for
listening.
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Jake3463
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 Aug 2007 Posts: 28 Location: Allentown
Posted: 10-17-07 13:33pm
I hope things work out. If your fortunate
they'll admit him while they experiment
with what drugs work. Recovery is a long
road but hopefully you have him on the
first step.
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Sharkette
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 5
Successful Trip Posted: 10-19-07 23:18pm
My whirlwind trip to see him and take him
for immediate help was successful. We were
seen the same day by a mental health care
professional who took information from
both of us. I was so glad to finally have
my information considered as an important
part of his care. I added things to the
conversation that he may not have realized
were important to a proper second opinion
for diagnosis and treatment. He had his
appointment with the psychiatrist there
today and was diagnosed with cyclothymia
(or bipolar II) just as we had thought. He
has been prescribed seroquel. His
instructions are to begin taking it at
night before bed as soon as he feels manic
again (which should hit tonight or
tomorrow). Of course he was told to either
quit drinking or cut it right back in
order for the meds to work. I know that he
isn't out of the woods or anything, and
that it isn't a magic pill, but I am so
relieved to know that someone took this
seriously enough to get my husband help.
He is a worthwhile person who has always
been deserving of a chance at normality;
something he has never experienced. I know
that it doesn't necessarily mean that
anything will change relationship wise
between us, but I care about him enough
that I'm glad he's finally got the chance
to treat this disorder effectively.
Sometimes love isn't enough, and I know
that. We'll have to wait and see how the
meds work for him. Here's hoping.
