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Is My Daughter In An Abusive Relationship?

This is very long and I am sorry for that. I am wondering if I am overreacting about my daughters relationship. I need some advise. She is 19 years old and a freshman in college. Her bf is 16 and has dropped out of school. They have been dating off an on for about a year now. First off I would like to say, we thought he was too young for her, but that we allowed her to date him b/c we thought she would move on b/c he was so young. After her prom last year (April) they began to spend every minute possible minute with each other, always together after school, evenings and weekends. She began to distance herself from her friends that she would be graduating with and only being with him. All summer they spent time together. We would invite him over to keep an eye on things and we noticed that they began to get very comfortable with each other around her dad and I, sitting closer and flirting a lot. We were still hoping that when she started college she would notice the difference in age, and following everyone advice we allowed them to continue to see each other. I went to college orientation/registration with her and this is when we began to be VERY concerned. Some of the kids, including guys, that she graduated with were there also. She talked to them and and hung out. She ended up with a class with one of the boys from high school and she made the comment that she was not going to tell her bf about it because he would be mad. I asked why would he be made it was just a class? She said that he didn't like the fact that she hung with him at orientation. I asked her why was that a problem and she said he made her promise not to talk to any guys that day and she did and he didn't like it, so she wasn't telling him about the class. I thought this was odd but kept my mouth shut, still thinking she would see that he was too young for her. A few days later I ran into a friend of hers and she asked how my daughter was and I asked whe was the last time she had seen her and she said orientation. I asked my daughter why she wasn't hanging with this friend and she said that her bf told her she could be friends with anyone but this girl b/c he didn't like her. The only thing is this is the only friend that would still talk to her b/c he had already sabotaged her other relationships with friends. Sirens were going off like crazy, but I kept quiet. Then one day my daughter called me and asked if I knew a phone number that she had called b/c she couldn't remember calling it. He had gone thru her phone and she had talked to this person for 45 minutes and couldn't remember who it was. She was obviously upset when she called me and I told her to tell him that it was none of his business and that I paid that phone bill and that she could talk to whoever she wanted on it. WELL, this is where the fun began. He imm. began to curse at me telling me to mind my own business and to go to hell. I then told her that she needed to go home and he really got mad then. he grabbed the phone and preceded to tell me that it was my fault that she was upset and that I needed to shut up. He said that he couldn't understand why she could not remember talking to someone for 45 min. and that was all he wanted to know. It was a very verbal arguement and it ended when she left his house. Later, talking to her I fund out that he has been checking her phone for a while and that she had to account for every call on it. I began to explain that she shouldn't have to do that if he trusted her. She told me that the problem was that he had made her promise not to talk to guys and he wanted to be sure that she wasn't calling any guys because she had promise not too. This was not the first time he had cursed at me and I really began to worry if this was headed in the wrong direction and with talking with my daughter I really believe that it has and she is protecting him completely because she should not have been doing things that he had made her promise not to do. I told her that he was controlling he and she didn't believe it. About 3 weeks later he came to my house to appologize for his behavior, he said he was sorry for his actions but then offered and excuse for them. I didn't accept it because I think that you can't appologize and give an excuse in the same breath. He has also jerked her around once when they were broke up.

I guess my question is, am i overreacting or not? Sorry this was so long but I felt like ya'll needed the whole story to help me.
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replied October 10th, 2007
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As someone with experience in abusive relationships, you are definitely NOT overreacting!!!!

This BOY is displaying all of the classic symptoms of an abuser.

Distancing her from her friends and family.
Jerking her around.
Controlling her.
Checking up on her (with the phone).

She needs to dump this loser ASAP.
I mean cmon, he dropped out of school and she is in college. Obviously her priorities are in order and his aren't. She can find someone WAY better than this scrub.

It can be very hard for her to get out of this relationship, however. Abused women feel they "need" to be with the abuser because the abuser has control over her mind.
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replied May 19th, 2011
Is my daughters bf abusive?
Try not to trash him to her because if she is defiant she will go running into his arms and you will be the loser. Just keep trying to see her and build your friendship and relationship in a way that she knows she can always come to you and pray that she meets someone better. You have decribed my 32 year old son in law. He has not grown up or changed and now there are children. I wish you all the best.
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replied October 10th, 2007
How do I make her see that she needs to leave him. We have giving her every opportunity to leave him and she want. She wuold be protected from him b/c her dad is a cop. Oh, another thing when he came to my house to appoligize he cursed at me to my face and I made him and she got up and followed and didn't even appoligize to me for his behavior. I told her she should have just slapped me in the face it would have hurt less.
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replied October 10th, 2007
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Like I said, that is very tricky. If she were to meet someone who was a lot better in comparison and was interested in dating her, I think that could help--which is BOUND to happen while she is in college.

Have you tried talking to his parents? He is underage and they might *possibly* be able to shed some light on his behavior-as atrocious as it may be.

Well then again, his parents should be ashamed of his actions. I would beat the snot out of my boy for being so rude and crude to a possible future parent.

I feel for you though.

When I was in my relationship, my parents wanted me to dump him as well. There wasn't anything they could really do to get me to break it off, I ended up leaving him once I found out he was cheating.

My mother always said, "the guilty dog barks the loudest."
Which translates to, if he is checking her phone and all and making her promise all this rubbish, he is probably cheating on her.
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replied October 10th, 2007
Yes I have talked to his mom and she said that I would have to know how he was raised to know where his is coming from. She said that I described his dad completely when I told her what was happening. That scared me too. Just to know he is mimicking how he was raised. I can't expect too much support form her b/c she is still with his father, and that apple didn't fall to far from the tree. His mom told me that he felt like he was protecting my daughter when he lashed out at me. My question was why did he need to protect her from me? I can understand that he has always had to protect his mother from his father and has had to fight for everything he has had. I just don't want to sacrafice my daughter. I know she will have to be the one to emd this thing I can't make her stop until she is ready I just need to know how to handle it and how to guide her to making that decision without alianating her in the process.
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replied January 21st, 2008
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I know this is a old post but i felt like i needed to say this.

The only thing you can do is be there for her and try talking to her about how some women dont get out of an abusive relationship with out being hurt bad or wrose killed.
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replied February 1st, 2008
no you are not
this sounds like an abusive person.. i am only 21 and i just recently got out of an abusive relationship that i was in for four years.. he would not let me talk to no one he didn't like.. i was def not aloud to talk to guys at all that was a no no.. i was called every hour tosee what i was doing when we were not together. and to top it off i ended up having a baby boy with this guy.. he would call me on the phone at night and he didn't like what i said he would make me sit up on the phone all night long till he liked the way i apolized.. i think that you need to talk to your daughter and don;t try to make her leave because it will just make her want him more.. tell her you are consurned and that this guy isn't to good of a guy gl with everything
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replied February 20th, 2008
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Guys like that, no matter how young, send chills through me.

I went out with someone exactly like that for a couple of years before I woke up to just how controlling he was. He would tell me my top was too revealing as I was about to leave for work, and I would rush back indoors to get changed and be late and upset before my day had even begun. His face would tighten every time I mentioned any friend (male or female) for he did not like me talking to anyone other than his sister. Of course he checked my phone and even my mail and when I complained, he said there should be no secrets between us. He would quite openly take money from my purse for drink or whatever and then later come to my rescue, financially, like a knight in shining armour! He would call me repeatedly whenever I was out to check up on me. Eventually I stopped going out. He never actually struck me - but the threat was enough:I was scared of him. When I finally managed to get free, he attempted suicide, threatened to kill me and followed me for several weeks. Then he suddenly started dating someone else and within weeks, he had put her in hospital with a broken nose, jaw and ribs. I had a lucky escape. I sincerely hope this poster's daughter did, too.
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replied February 9th, 2009
get real
okay so the kid maybe a little young for her.


shes 19 hes insecure about her feeling for him because he sees it the way you do... why is she with someone so young for her when she could have anyone.


you dont like this boy, i believe you are inventing things.


yeah he sounds controlling and obsessive. a bit too much. that doesnt mean its abusive.


im sorry, you know your daughter better than me a stranger. but it just seems to me that because you dont like this boy your hell bent on finding soemthign wrong with him.


hey ive been in an abusive relationship before. when i was in high school. i lost all my friends when i told them to mind their own buisness about my repeated bruises. and i began running out of excuses.

he mayu be a bit controlling, but if she felt it was out of line she would step up im sure.


when she starts making excuses like i ran into my door, or we were just messing and we got a bit rough. and turns up with bruises and scratch and pinch marks. thats when you say dont go anywhere near him, you buy her a new phone number and ban him from the house. thats you taking a step towards solving the problem.

if she is in an abusive relationship and recognizes that. she will take any out she can get that isnt her doing directly. i know i did first oippertunity i got to blame a break up on him i took it.


so give her an out and see what she does.

but dont try to sabotage and turn your back on a potentially good relationship because you dont like the guy.

thats unfair on your daughter and on all concerned.
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