Joined: 11 Jun 2007 Posts: 1136 Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA
Thanks: 17
Thanked:7
I cannot be w/someone who drinks - even casually! Posted: 10-08-07 10:37am
My boyfriend and I have been together for
1 yr and a half. We have both been sober
for a couple years and we are in AA. Well
last night he drank. he had a couple of
beers at a baby shower. I am devastated.
So here is my dilemma. I cannot be
w/someone who drinks, I cant stand the
smell on his breath. So either I accept
him as a casual drinker and go against
everything I want and need or I leave him.
He feels like he lying to me by acting
like he wants to be sober and he feels hes
a grown man and that he wants to be
normal. So he feels either he remains a
liar and bes someone he is not to stay
with me or he loses me. Either way we are
both screwed. I asked him if he was
willing to not drink at all (since he
doesnt have a problem) for me but he said
no. I am so angry, and I feel that if I
stay with him and he keeps drinking then
the anger will tear us apart. I love this
man though, I want to marry him and have
his children. This is so hard. Just the
thought of leaving him hurts me sooo bad.
What do I do? How do I fix this? Is there
a compromise we can make?
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dudovic
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 26 Location: Delray Beach, FL US
Posted: 10-08-07 11:01am
Hello Rosie H,
It must be so hard, been sober and living
with an active drinker. I sure would not
be able to deal with it. You are asking
what to do in a situation like your, I
would think that there are no simple
answer and can vary depending on level of
comfort towards the new him. All I can say
is that I have a couple friends in Florida
that are living in a very similar
situation, it seems looking at it from the
outside that it's just not a simple and
peaceful life to live with an active
Alcoholic. Fights, resentments avoidance,
anger, violence, police, emergency, DUI
seem to be common keywords that could
describe one BIG aspect of their life.
You are also asking "how do I fix it"?
That answer is pretty straight forward,
YOU CAN'T FIX IT. You can't fix the fact
that he's drinking, only he can.
Is there a compromise? Whether or not you
are comfortable or not living with an
active alcoholic, is for you to say... but
remember 1 thing: Your recovery is what
matters, don't focus on things you cannot
change.
I feel sincerely sorry for you Rosie and
hope you'll find the strength to do what
is right for you.
Good Luck
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Rosie H
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jun 2007 Posts: 1136 Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA
Thanks: 17
Thanked:7
Posted: 10-08-07 11:26am
Thank you. I know what has to be done for
my sobriety. I am not comfortable with
it, I cant deal with it. I guess I have
to leave.
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shadowalker164
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Jan 2005 Posts: 175 Location: Tampa, FL
Posted: 10-08-07 13:13pm
Rosie… you started your post out with
the fact that both of you were in AA. We
don’t get in AA because we ate too much
chocolate. He must have had a history with
alcohol.
And now he is drinking again. Just out of
curiosity, what did your sponsor say? She
knows you better than any of us.
A recovering alcoholic probably should not
live with an active alcoholic. Just like
him, you are only one drink away from
being exactly where you started. If he
won’t get sober, you do indeed have a
hard choice in front of you.
Talk it over with your friends in the
rooms, ask God what path is the one for
you, and then into action!
I am sorry he went back out. But I am glad
you are here instead of out there with
him.
Richard
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Rosie H
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jun 2007 Posts: 1136 Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA
Thanks: 17
Thanked:7
Posted: 10-08-07 13:52pm
Hi Richard I have read your posts and you
have a lot of wisdom. I have basically
been given an ultimatem, either I accecpt
him drinking or I leave. Thats where we
stand right now. He is saying that he
doesnt beleive in the program and that he
only did this for me because he thought I
would leave him. The steps and sponsors
dont mean anything to him. He feels like
hes been living a double life and he
doesnt want to lie to me or our homegroup.
So yeah, do i or dont i? Its really
tough. We dont want the same things right
now. I thought he was someone else.
My sponsor says to leave, that its not a
good idea to be around drinkers period.
Eventually I could get the illusion that I
could drink like him also. I am going to
stick it out for a month and see how I
feel. I know it will be enough to make me
leave.
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shadowalker164
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Jan 2005 Posts: 175 Location: Tampa, FL
Posted: 10-08-07 15:36pm
“I have basically been given an
ultimatum, either I accept him drinking or
I leave.”
Ain’t that just like us!
Selfish, self centered, and fearful.
Rosie, do your month to satisfy your
desire to meet him half way, but don’t
expect him to do the same. He is at
alcohol’s beck and call, it calls the
shots now. Just look at his attempts to
justify and protect his access to it.
You seem like a very nice person, and he
is fully prepared to let you walk out of
his life just in order to feel that old
familiar buzz.
He should be your best sponsor, he is
teaching you a lesson on the hopelessness
of this disease. Don’t let his lesson go
unlearned.
Richard
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moonshinemix
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Oct 2007 Posts: 37
Posted: 10-08-07 15:56pm
I'm not an alcoholic so I can't say I know
what it's like, but I can say that I know
that it is a very difficult decision to
make to go to AA and admit to the problem.
Weel done for that. You should be very
proud of yourself. The fact that he went
to AA with you because he was affraid
you'd loose him... and not going for his
own sake, tells me that he doesn't respect
your feelings, nor does he support it. (I
could be wrong, don't quote me) I had a
friend that has been sober for 7 years
now. In the beginning of his relationship
it was hard for him becasue during his
recovery he looked at his relationship
differently and a lot changed. His
girlfriend was also in AA, but she just
couldn't cope. She promised that next
time she would try harder... "next time"
went on for 3 years and that is when he
was at the verge of touching a drink, (he
didn't) He dicided to leave her, because
she was dragging him down. I was glad for
him, because it was the best decision for
him. Unforunately we feel and care deeply
about the ones we love, but there
sometimes comes a time where you have to
start thinking about yourself, becasue you
want to float, you don't want to sink.
It's not a good place to be on the bottom.
Even if this is a sort of "trial". I
think that it would be good to support
each other, but only if each party is
willing to accept the support... not
making their own rules as they carry on.
Good luck! All the best. Only you can
make your decisions.
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PghMom
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Aug 2007 Posts: 36 Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posted: 10-10-07 05:36am
my husband drank socially, he has attended
AA with me, I am the alcoholic, not him. I
can't expect the world to change for me.
and at risk of sounding rude, it seems
like you might be a little jealous that
your boyfriend may be able to drink
socially and you can not. It's hard to
admit those feelings, but I have them. I
get irritated at my family because they
can drink at dinner, at holidays and I
can't. I keep my distance from them. You
can't put an ultimatum on people. It's
selfish and just immature. If you can't
take it, leave. But again, just because
you're enjoying sobriety, don't expect the
rest of the world to enjoy it with you.
Why would you love someone so intently who
doesn't support you or is willing to "do
whatever it takes" to keep you sober. It
doesn't sound like a relationship to me.
Is he drinking every night? Is there
alcohol in the house? Does he go out with
friends and come home wasted? Things must
run deeper and you need to evaluate every
aspect of this situation before you make
harsh decisions if you really love him
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Rosie H
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jun 2007 Posts: 1136 Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA
Thanks: 17
Thanked:7
Posted: 10-10-07 11:57am
Well PghMom, thank you for being so
honest. I am a little jealous and I have
wanted everything my way. I had this idea
of how my life was going to be and I was
shaping my relationship to meet those
expectations. This is not cool. I cannot
change him and have to change myself. I
have had a lot of time to think about this
and I have come to realize that the
problem is with me not him. I have to
deal with this. Even if he did everything
I wanted, I still would find something to
be upset about. He hasnt kept drinking or
even been drunk. There will be nothin in
the house or near me and he says he will
respect my sobriety by not putting the
temptation in from of me.
We have talked and talked and talked and
talked. We have really gotten deep into
our relationship and I think, actuall y I
know that this has to come from me. If it
gets out of control I will leave. Maybe
he isnt an alcoholic? There are normies
out there. I know a lot of them
But thanks again for you honest advice.
can i PM you if i need to talk?
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PghMom
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Aug 2007 Posts: 36 Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posted: 10-10-07 13:36pm
You can PM me if you like. One of the
toughest things to deal with is other
people's drinking. It was such a huge part
of my life and practically defined me that
trying to find a "new" you seems most
difficult and it's easiest to just get mad
at other people who can drink because we
can't anymore. OR it seems like if we
create a new world that doesn't include
alcohol in any way shape or form, we will
forget about it's existence and move on
with our lives. Honestly, alcohol is
everywhere. I can't watch my favorite TV
shows without commercials or character
situations that deal with alcohol and I
sit there and think, I can't believe that
I can't sit in a bar with my friends and
drink my wine like them. Heck, I can't
even have a pint of Guinness anymore. But
that's how it is. And it doesn't mean that
I don't feel emotions about it, I do. I
get angry, I get mad, I get jealous. But
it's all part of living and knowing that I
am the one with the problem and it isn't a
problem if I don't let it be. I started
doing things for myself that weren't
alcohol related and it's been helping me
deal with emotions.
I think I got off track for a minute, but
I hear what you're saying. I had a life in
mind for myself. I wanted things my way,
but when you're in a relationship there's
give and take. And I was doing a heck of
alot more taking than giving. I don't
mind if my husband drinks at social events
where I don't attend. He can be a
responsible drinker, I can not.
PM if you want. I'm online about twice a
day. Take care and good luck.
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shadowalker164
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Jan 2005 Posts: 175 Location: Tampa, FL
Posted: 10-11-07 08:02am
PghMom… what an amazing amount of
progress you have made. You seem to have a
good handle on what you are and where you
need to go in order to stay sober.
Congratulations!
Rosie… stay in touch with PghMom, it
will do you a world of good. And Mom,
reaching out to someone else is one of the
best ways to keep what you have.
Richard
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Rosie H
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jun 2007 Posts: 1136 Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA
Thanks: 17
Thanked:7
Posted: 10-11-07 10:48am
Yep, I agree Richard. Thanks to you both.
I have made a decision. I am going to
work on acceptance, maintain my own
recover and sobriety and try to make it
work. Only time will tell whether or not I
can deal with a normie. Time will also
tell me if he is going to go off the deep
end or not. As long as I stay in touch
with my spirituality, work with my sponsor
and keep up my AA commitments I think it
will be ok. I have to find the answers
within myself. This is my problem.
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PghMom
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Aug 2007 Posts: 36 Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posted: 10-11-07 12:36pm
Thanks Shadowalker. I'm trying and I can
see a difference in my everyday life since
I started posting here. I'm not so afraid
anymore.
I have done a lot of research, reading,
talking to people etc in my spare time. to
learn and to cope and to try to understand
what "this" is. I (and others) should not
forget how out of control I was with my
drinking. When I first tried achieving
sobriety over a year ago, I know that I
wasn't truly committed. There are so many
stages to recovery and I accept how early
in it I am. AA, even though I claim no
higher power, has helped me learn that I
need to accept my problem and I can make
no other person responsible for it.
And Rosie, remember that there is a fine
line in acceptance. Keep trying to make
it work with your boyfriend as long as
it's working for you. I have seen people
go from being completely selfish to
completely selfless. It's a fine line and
is takes work. I know I'm still working
on it. I don't want to lose who I am in
the process of trying to keep those I love
dearly in my life. There is acceptance for
them to work on as well. They have to
accept that I am in the process of change,
I may get cranky, jealous, or angry. But I
have to accept my emotions as my own and
not take things out on other people.
(Unless, of course they deserve it-heh)
Thanks again, Keep Posting. I'm here!!!