My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 yr and a half. We have both been sober for a couple years and we are in AA. Well last night he drank. he had a couple of beers at a baby shower. I am devastated. So here is my dilemma. I cannot be w/someone who drinks, I cant stand the smell on his breath. So either I accept him as a casual drinker and go against everything I want and need or I leave him. He feels like he lying to me by acting like he wants to be sober and he feels hes a grown man and that he wants to be normal. So he feels either he remains a liar and bes someone he is not to stay with me or he loses me. Either way we are both screwed. I asked him if he was willing to not drink at all (since he doesnt have a problem) for me but he said no. I am so angry, and I feel that if I stay with him and he keeps drinking then the anger will tear us apart. I love this man though, I want to marry him and have his children. This is so hard. Just the thought of leaving him hurts me sooo bad.
What do I do? How do I fix this? Is there a compromise we can make?
It must be so hard, been sober and living with an active drinker. I sure would not be able to deal with it. You are asking what to do in a situation like your, I would think that there are no simple answer and can vary depending on level of comfort towards the new him. All I can say is that I have a couple friends in Florida that are living in a very similar situation, it seems looking at it from the outside that it's just not a simple and peaceful life to live with an active Alcoholic. Fights, resentments avoidance, anger, violence, police, emergency, DUI seem to be common keywords that could describe one BIG aspect of their life.
You are also asking "how do I fix it"? That answer is pretty straight forward, YOU CAN'T FIX IT. You can't fix the fact that he's drinking, only he can.
Is there a compromise? Whether or not you are comfortable or not living with an active alcoholic, is for you to say... but remember 1 thing: Your recovery is what matters, don't focus on things you cannot change.
I feel sincerely sorry for you Rosie and hope you'll find the strength to do what is right for you.
Rosieâ¦ you started your post out with the fact that both of you were in AA. We donât get in AA because we ate too much chocolate. He must have had a history with alcohol.
And now he is drinking again. Just out of curiosity, what did your sponsor say? She knows you better than any of us.
A recovering alcoholic probably should not live with an active alcoholic. Just like him, you are only one drink away from being exactly where you started. If he wonât get sober, you do indeed have a hard choice in front of you.
Talk it over with your friends in the rooms, ask God what path is the one for you, and then into action!
I am sorry he went back out. But I am glad you are here instead of out there with him.
Hi Richard I have read your posts and you have a lot of wisdom. I have basically been given an ultimatem, either I accecpt him drinking or I leave. Thats where we stand right now. He is saying that he doesnt beleive in the program and that he only did this for me because he thought I would leave him. The steps and sponsors dont mean anything to him. He feels like hes been living a double life and he doesnt want to lie to me or our homegroup. So yeah, do i or dont i? Its really tough. We dont want the same things right now. I thought he was someone else.
My sponsor says to leave, that its not a good idea to be around drinkers period. Eventually I could get the illusion that I could drink like him also. I am going to stick it out for a month and see how I feel. I know it will be enough to make me leave.
âI have basically been given an ultimatum, either I accept him drinking or I leave.â
Ainât that just like us!
Selfish, self centered, and fearful.
Rosie, do your month to satisfy your desire to meet him half way, but donât expect him to do the same. He is at alcoholâs beck and call, it calls the shots now. Just look at his attempts to justify and protect his access to it.
You seem like a very nice person, and he is fully prepared to let you walk out of his life just in order to feel that old familiar buzz.
He should be your best sponsor, he is teaching you a lesson on the hopelessness of this disease. Donât let his lesson go unlearned.
I'm not an alcoholic so I can't say I know what it's like, but I can say that I know that it is a very difficult decision to make to go to AA and admit to the problem. Weel done for that. You should be very proud of yourself. The fact that he went to AA with you because he was affraid you'd loose him... and not going for his own sake, tells me that he doesn't respect your feelings, nor does he support it. (I could be wrong, don't quote me) I had a friend that has been sober for 7 years now. In the beginning of his relationship it was hard for him becasue during his recovery he looked at his relationship differently and a lot changed. His girlfriend was also in AA, but she just couldn't cope. She promised that next time she would try harder... "next time" went on for 3 years and that is when he was at the verge of touching a drink, (he didn't) He dicided to leave her, because she was dragging him down. I was glad for him, because it was the best decision for him. Unforunately we feel and care deeply about the ones we love, but there sometimes comes a time where you have to start thinking about yourself, becasue you want to float, you don't want to sink. It's not a good place to be on the bottom. Even if this is a sort of "trial". I think that it would be good to support each other, but only if each party is willing to accept the support... not making their own rules as they carry on. Good luck! All the best. Only you can make your decisions.
my husband drank socially, he has attended AA with me, I am the alcoholic, not him. I can't expect the world to change for me. and at risk of sounding rude, it seems like you might be a little jealous that your boyfriend may be able to drink socially and you can not. It's hard to admit those feelings, but I have them. I get irritated at my family because they can drink at dinner, at holidays and I can't. I keep my distance from them. You can't put an ultimatum on people. It's selfish and just immature. If you can't take it, leave. But again, just because you're enjoying sobriety, don't expect the rest of the world to enjoy it with you.
Why would you love someone so intently who doesn't support you or is willing to "do whatever it takes" to keep you sober. It doesn't sound like a relationship to me. Is he drinking every night? Is there alcohol in the house? Does he go out with friends and come home wasted? Things must run deeper and you need to evaluate every aspect of this situation before you make harsh decisions if you really love him
Well PghMom, thank you for being so honest. I am a little jealous and I have wanted everything my way. I had this idea of how my life was going to be and I was shaping my relationship to meet those expectations. This is not cool. I cannot change him and have to change myself. I have had a lot of time to think about this and I have come to realize that the problem is with me not him. I have to deal with this. Even if he did everything I wanted, I still would find something to be upset about. He hasnt kept drinking or even been drunk. There will be nothin in the house or near me and he says he will respect my sobriety by not putting the temptation in from of me.
We have talked and talked and talked and talked. We have really gotten deep into our relationship and I think, actuall y I know that this has to come from me. If it gets out of control I will leave. Maybe he isnt an alcoholic? There are normies out there. I know a lot of them
But thanks again for you honest advice. can i PM you if i need to talk?
You can PM me if you like. One of the toughest things to deal with is other people's drinking. It was such a huge part of my life and practically defined me that trying to find a "new" you seems most difficult and it's easiest to just get mad at other people who can drink because we can't anymore. OR it seems like if we create a new world that doesn't include alcohol in any way shape or form, we will forget about it's existence and move on with our lives. Honestly, alcohol is everywhere. I can't watch my favorite TV shows without commercials or character situations that deal with alcohol and I sit there and think, I can't believe that I can't sit in a bar with my friends and drink my wine like them. Heck, I can't even have a pint of Guinness anymore. But that's how it is. And it doesn't mean that I don't feel emotions about it, I do. I get angry, I get mad, I get jealous. But it's all part of living and knowing that I am the one with the problem and it isn't a problem if I don't let it be. I started doing things for myself that weren't alcohol related and it's been helping me deal with emotions.
I think I got off track for a minute, but I hear what you're saying. I had a life in mind for myself. I wanted things my way, but when you're in a relationship there's give and take. And I was doing a heck of alot more taking than giving. I don't mind if my husband drinks at social events where I don't attend. He can be a responsible drinker, I can not.
PM if you want. I'm online about twice a day. Take care and good luck.
Yep, I agree Richard. Thanks to you both. I have made a decision. I am going to work on acceptance, maintain my own recover and sobriety and try to make it work. Only time will tell whether or not I can deal with a normie. Time will also tell me if he is going to go off the deep end or not. As long as I stay in touch with my spirituality, work with my sponsor and keep up my AA commitments I think it will be ok. I have to find the answers within myself. This is my problem.
Thanks Shadowalker. I'm trying and I can see a difference in my everyday life since I started posting here. I'm not so afraid anymore.
I have done a lot of research, reading, talking to people etc in my spare time. to learn and to cope and to try to understand what "this" is. I (and others) should not forget how out of control I was with my drinking. When I first tried achieving sobriety over a year ago, I know that I wasn't truly committed. There are so many stages to recovery and I accept how early in it I am. AA, even though I claim no higher power, has helped me learn that I need to accept my problem and I can make no other person responsible for it.
And Rosie, remember that there is a fine line in acceptance. Keep trying to make it work with your boyfriend as long as it's working for you. I have seen people go from being completely selfish to completely selfless. It's a fine line and is takes work. I know I'm still working on it. I don't want to lose who I am in the process of trying to keep those I love dearly in my life. There is acceptance for them to work on as well. They have to accept that I am in the process of change, I may get cranky, jealous, or angry. But I have to accept my emotions as my own and not take things out on other people. (Unless, of course they deserve it-heh) Thanks again, Keep Posting. I'm here!!!