Rosie H
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jun 2007
Posts: 1122
Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA
Thanks: 16
Thanked:5
|
I Am So Heart Broken...please Help....
Posted: 10-08-07 10:35am
|
|
|
|
My boyfriend and I have been together for
1 yr and a half. We have both been sober
for a couple years and we are in AA. Well
last night he drank. he had a couple of
beers at a baby shower. I am devastated.
So here is my dilemma. I cannot be
w/someone who drinks, I cant stand the
smell on his breath. So either I accept
him as a casual drinker and go against
everything I want and need or I leave him.
He feels like he lying to me by acting
like he wants to be sober and he feels hes
a grown man and that he wants to be
normal. So he feels either he remains a
liar and bes someone he is not to stay
with me or he loses me. Either way we are
both screwed. I asked him if he was
willing to not drink at all (since he
doesnt have a problem) for me but he said
no. I am so angry, and I feel that if I
stay with him and he keeps drinking then
the anger will tear us apart. I love this
man though, I want to marry him and have
his children. This is so hard. Just the
thought of leaving him hurts me sooo bad.
What do I do? How do I fix this? Is
there a compromise we can make?
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
young Girl
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007
Posts: 13932
Location: everythings better in, texas USA
|
Posted: 10-08-07 10:38am
|
|
|
|
|
you need to first off talk to him and tell
him that you CANT afford to be with
someone who drinks AT ALL because that
could cause you to go back down the road
you were going down
if he cant stop then you have to go hun
i know its going to be hard but think
about YOU for a sec
all that youve done to acomplish
everything and get over that hard time in
your life...all to be taken back
wouldnt you stop for him?
|
|
|
|
|
|
Rosie H
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jun 2007
Posts: 1122
Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA
Thanks: 16
Thanked:5
|
Posted: 10-08-07 10:45am
|
|
|
|
|
he wont stop. we talked last night, i
cried my eyes out with him, but hes
sticking his ground. he thinks he can
drink normally. He just tells me to do
what I have to do. To do what I think is
right. Gosh this hurts soooo bad, thats
what I get for falling in love. Yeah I
have worked so hard for everything. I
just turned 21 last Thursday and that was
a really hard time for me. I wanted to go
back, but I didnt and its just hard. Our
relationship has been nothing but stress
lately. I dont know how much more I can
take.
So you think compremise is out of the
question?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
young Girl
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007
Posts: 13932
Location: everythings better in, texas USA
|
Posted: 10-08-07 10:52am
|
|
|
|
|
i think compromise is out of the question
and hes being selfish and not thinking
about your well being
you are already a strong woman
youve been sober
thats something so many people try so hard
to do...and they cant
you have that power and control and well
being for yourself
you ARE a strong person
you can get hrough it...reguardless of
what happens.
dont let him drag you back huney
its not healthy and it wont be worth it i
promise
going back to that lifestyle will make
things worse
this man obviously has plans for his life
that dont include you:(
why would you want to even stick around
with someone who doesnt care about your
well being and your future?
its hard and its going to suck
the esiest way will be to leave and dont
look back
be around friends and live your life day
by day with the people whom support and
care about you the most
|
|
|
|
|
|
beepbeep176
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Jul 2006
Posts: 249
Location: Port Charlotte, FL USA
|
Posted: 10-08-07 11:04am
|
|
|
|
|
Question: Do you or have you previously
had a drinking problem? I know you said
something about AA but I don't want to
imply that you did without knowing. If so
then some of what's below doesn't apply.
You said that he doesn't have a drinking
problem right? I can understand that you
don't want to be with someone who drinks,
trust me I know. But if he doesn't have a
drinking problem and is a casual drinker
then I think you should allow it. To leave
someone you truly love because they want
to drink is unfair, atleast that's how I
feel. However if he's not willing to
compremise with you then that definantly
shows you something about him. If this
relationship has been nothing but stress
and now this has got you upset then maybe
he's not the one. Yes relationships are
stressful and you have to work at them but
the fact that he says "do what you have to
do" seems as though he doesn't care what
you do. If he can't respect you and how
strongly you feel about not drinking. And
you can't trust him to be a responsible
every now and than drinker this is going
no where good. But I don't know you
personally so what do I know? I'm sorry
that you feel so bad and I hope that you
guys can reach some sort of agreement.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
young Girl
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007
Posts: 13932
Location: everythings better in, texas USA
|
Posted: 10-08-07 11:08am
|
|
|
|
|
| beepbeep176
wrote: | Question: Do you or have you
previously had a drinking problem? I know
you said something about AA but I don't
want to imply that you did without
knowing. If so then some of what's below
doesn't apply.
You said that he doesn't have a drinking
problem right? I can understand that you
don't want to be with someone who drinks,
trust me I know. But if he doesn't have a
drinking problem and is a casual drinker
then I think you should allow it. To leave
someone you truly love because they want
to drink is unfair, atleast that's how I
feel. However if he's not willing to
compremise with you then that definantly
shows you something about him. If this
relationship has been nothing but stress
and now this has got you upset then maybe
he's not the one. Yes relationships are
stressful and you have to work at them but
the fact that he says "do what you have to
do" seems as though he doesn't care what
you do. If he can't respect you and how
strongly you feel about not drinking. And
you can't trust him to be a responsible
every now and than drinker this is going
no where good. But I don't know you
personally so what do I know? I'm sorry
that you feel so bad and I hope that you
guys can reach some sort of
agreement. |
i disagree
if he was an alcoholic before then he
could go back down that road again
with alcoholics there is no such thing as
a casual drink
and he should NOT drag her down that road
with him!!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
beepbeep176
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Jul 2006
Posts: 249
Location: Port Charlotte, FL USA
|
Posted: 10-08-07 11:12am
|
|
|
|
|
| the_girlfreind
wrote: | | beepbeep176
wrote: | Question: Do you or have you
previously had a drinking problem? I know
you said something about AA but I don't
want to imply that you did without
knowing. If so then some of what's below
doesn't apply.
You said that he doesn't have a drinking
problem right? I can understand that you
don't want to be with someone who drinks,
trust me I know. But if he doesn't have a
drinking problem and is a casual drinker
then I think you should allow it. To leave
someone you truly love because they want
to drink is unfair, atleast that's how I
feel. However if he's not willing to
compremise with you then that definantly
shows you something about him. If this
relationship has been nothing but stress
and now this has got you upset then maybe
he's not the one. Yes relationships are
stressful and you have to work at them but
the fact that he says "do what you have to
do" seems as though he doesn't care what
you do. If he can't respect you and how
strongly you feel about not drinking. And
you can't trust him to be a responsible
every now and than drinker this is going
no where good. But I don't know you
personally so what do I know? I'm sorry
that you feel so bad and I hope that you
guys can reach some sort of
agreement. |
i disagree
if he was an alcoholic before then he
could go back down that road again
with alcoholics there is no such thing as
a casual drink
and he should NOT drag her down that road
with him!!! |
That's what I don't know, if he was an
alcoholic. She said he doesn't have a
problem so I'm assuming that he never was
an alcoholic. If he ever was than yes this
is a big problem! But if he wasn't than he
has the right to drink, and she has the
right to stand her ground and think it's
wrong, and disagree.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
young Girl
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007
Posts: 13932
Location: everythings better in, texas USA
|
Posted: 10-08-07 11:17am
|
|
|
|
|
| beepbeep176
wrote: | | the_girlfreind
wrote: | | beepbeep176
wrote: | Question: Do you or have you
previously had a drinking problem? I know
you said something about AA but I don't
want to imply that you did without
knowing. If so then some of what's below
doesn't apply.
You said that he doesn't have a drinking
problem right? I can understand that you
don't want to be with someone who drinks,
trust me I know. But if he doesn't have a
drinking problem and is a casual drinker
then I think you should allow it. To leave
someone you truly love because they want
to drink is unfair, atleast that's how I
feel. However if he's not willing to
compremise with you then that definantly
shows you something about him. If this
relationship has been nothing but stress
and now this has got you upset then maybe
he's not the one. Yes relationships are
stressful and you have to work at them but
the fact that he says "do what you have to
do" seems as though he doesn't care what
you do. If he can't respect you and how
strongly you feel about not drinking. And
you can't trust him to be a responsible
every now and than drinker this is going
no where good. But I don't know you
personally so what do I know? I'm sorry
that you feel so bad and I hope that you
guys can reach some sort of
agreement. |
i disagree
if he was an alcoholic before then he
could go back down that road again
with alcoholics there is no such thing as
a casual drink
and he should NOT drag her down that road
with him!!! |
That's what I don't know, if he was an
alcoholic. She said he doesn't have a
problem so I'm assuming that he never was
an alcoholic. If he ever was than yes this
is a big problem! But if he wasn't than he
has the right to drink, and she has the
right to stand her ground and think it's
wrong, and
disagree. |
she said they are in AA
which means he had an alcohol problem
before and so did she
|
|
|
|
|
|
beepbeep176
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Jul 2006
Posts: 249
Location: Port Charlotte, FL USA
|
Posted: 10-08-07 11:23am
|
|
|
|
|
| the_girlfreind
wrote: | | beepbeep176
wrote: | | the_girlfreind
wrote: | | beepbeep176
wrote: | Question: Do you or have you
previously had a drinking problem? I know
you said something about AA but I don't
want to imply that you did without
knowing. If so then some of what's below
doesn't apply.
You said that he doesn't have a drinking
problem right? I can understand that you
don't want to be with someone who drinks,
trust me I know. But if he doesn't have a
drinking problem and is a casual drinker
then I think you should allow it. To leave
someone you truly love because they want
to drink is unfair, atleast that's how I
feel. However if he's not willing to
compremise with you then that definantly
shows you something about him. If this
relationship has been nothing but stress
and now this has got you upset then maybe
he's not the one. Yes relationships are
stressful and you have to work at them but
the fact that he says "do what you have to
do" seems as though he doesn't care what
you do. If he can't respect you and how
strongly you feel about not drinking. And
you can't trust him to be a responsible
every now and than drinker this is going
no where good. But I don't know you
personally so what do I know? I'm sorry
that you feel so bad and I hope that you
guys can reach some sort of
agreement. |
i disagree
if he was an alcoholic before then he
could go back down that road again
with alcoholics there is no such thing as
a casual drink
and he should NOT drag her down that road
with him!!! |
That's what I don't know, if he was an
alcoholic. She said he doesn't have a
problem so I'm assuming that he never was
an alcoholic. If he ever was than yes this
is a big problem! But if he wasn't than he
has the right to drink, and she has the
right to stand her ground and think it's
wrong, and
disagree. |
she said they are in AA
which means he had an alcohol problem
before and so did
she |
Well if either one of them has or had a
drinking problem than ANY kind of drinking
is off limits. She doesn't need to be with
someone who would rather have alcohol than
her. The end, get out of the relationship.
If there's no drinking problems involved
than my earlier post applies.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
young Girl
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007
Posts: 13932
Location: everythings better in, texas USA
|
Posted: 10-08-07 11:25am
|
|
|
|
|
AA is for people whom have drinking
problems or feel they are alcoholics
if it was bad enough for them to make the
decition to attend AA then thats
definately a problem and i agree she
shouldnt be with him if he wants to turn
back down that road...
|
|
|
|
|
|
Rosie H
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jun 2007
Posts: 1122
Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA
Thanks: 16
Thanked:5
|
Posted: 10-08-07 14:26pm
|
|
|
|
|
We are both drug addicts who drank in the
place or drugs. Alcohol was never a
choice for us and neither of us wanted or
liked to drink alcoholically. So no we
arent true alcoholics. The reason I
joined AA is because when I drink I want
to use drugs, so I dont drink. He on the
hand doesnt want drugs when he drinks and
only joined AA to satisfy me. He never
beleived in it like i do. So thats why he
thinks he can drink.
I also beleive in true love and I feel
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
young Girl
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007
Posts: 13932
Location: everythings better in, texas USA
|
Posted: 10-08-07 14:27pm
|
|
|
|
|
| Rosie H
wrote: | We are both drug addicts who
drank in the place or drugs. Alcohol was
never a choice for us and neither of us
wanted or liked to drink alcoholically.
So no we arent true alcoholics. The
reason I joined AA is because when I drink
I want to use drugs, so I dont drink. He
on the hand doesnt want drugs when he
drinks and only joined AA to satisfy me.
He never beleived in it like i do. So
thats why he thinks he can drink.
I also beleive in true love and I
feel |
yes hun that is alcoholism if you drank in
place of druge or if drinking brought on
the need or want to use drugs
|
|
|
|
|
|
Rosie H
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jun 2007
Posts: 1122
Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA
Thanks: 16
Thanked:5
|
Posted: 10-08-07 14:29pm
|
|
|
|
|
Sorry I didnt get to finish my post. But
I have no idea what I am going to do. I
feel cheated.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Rosie H
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jun 2007
Posts: 1122
Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA
Thanks: 16
Thanked:5
|
Posted: 10-08-07 14:38pm
|
|
|
|
|
Oh yeah you are correct. I know I have
the disease. My current alcohol and drug
use isnt in question.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
young Girl
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007
Posts: 13932
Location: everythings better in, texas USA
|
Posted: 10-08-07 14:39pm
|
|
|
|
|
i know you feel lost and hurt and sad
do you know what youre going to do yet?
|
|
|
|
|
|
Rosie H
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jun 2007
Posts: 1122
Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA
Thanks: 16
Thanked:5
|
Posted: 10-08-07 14:45pm
|
|
|
|
|
Nope, half my heart says try to make it
work and the other says give up. I
thought maybe I could try for one month
and see how I handle it. if its too much
for me then I need to leave and he can
find someone thats "normal" like he is.
THe resentment and anger will probably
tear us apart. I am going to try to make
this work though. I have a place lined up
and my financial responsibilities are
figured out. I have a plan if I leave but
I also feel I have to say at least I
tryed. He wont drink around me and he
wont bring alcohol to the house, he wont
come home drunk, so maybe that can work.
Im just confused. Thank you for being
here
|
|
|
|
|
|
Ingi
Supporter
Joined: 09 Mar 2006
Posts: 8789
Location: Grinning like a Cheshire Cat,
Thanks: 162
Thanked:195
|
Posted: 10-08-07 14:45pm
|
|
|
|
|
I think the part that speaks the loudest
here is that you told him how you feel (he
obviously knows how you feel about
drinking) and he said that you gotta go
what you gotta do. Stating directly, that
he is not going to quit drinking even if
you have an issue with that.
That is such a big giant, screaming NO WAY
in my book. I understand you have a lot of
emotion invested in this man and I don't,
so it is easier for me to say what I am
about to say - you can do better than to
be with someone who isn't taking your
sobriety and your feelings into
consideration.
Good luck. You already have all your own
answers in your heart. Just listen to
yourself. 
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
young Girl
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007
Posts: 13932
Location: everythings better in, texas USA
|
Posted: 10-08-07 14:54pm
|
|
|
|
|
hun
it only takes a few minutes to slip back
into who you were before
a month later what if youre back in that
horrible position?
|
|
|
|
|
|
sillysallie1990
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 03 Oct 2007
Posts: 308
Location: ,
|
Posted: 10-08-07 16:19pm
|
|
|
|
|
i think girlfriend summed it up nicely...
wouldnt you stop for him??? and he wont
stop for you, what is this telling you?
your heart already knows the answer
otherwise you wouldnt hurt so bad... honey
he doesnt care enough to help keep you
safe from something that could easily kill
you...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
milly05
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Oct 2007
Posts: 4
|
Hi Rosie
Posted: 10-24-07 12:13pm
|
|
|
|
|
Hi Rosie H
I would like to firstly say that I am not
a man. I am a Msc training
psychotherapist.
I totally disagree with many of the
responses/advice you have been given.
Your boyfriend not wanting to stop drink
MAY NOT mean he doesnt love you. We as
women judge men based on 'our perception'
of love. Thats why there are so many
frustrated and confused men out here. Each
sex as well as person express there love
and love language in different ways.
All women have been blessed with a gift of
intuition, but being in touch with one's
self and emotion helps us to be able to
tap into this exceptional tool in a very
productive way.
Things to consider: Take a look at all the
things your boyfriend has done for you,
take a look within and try to find out why
you NEED him to stop drink. You may want
to avoid being around the alcohol due to
fear or you genuinely knowing that you can
or may relapse. Your boyfriend may not
want to stop because he views this as his
'normal', which may be a very important to
him. I believe if you love him and you
wish to try to work things out, dont give
up because he doesnt want to stop. Try
couple counselling, this has HUGE
benefits.
Its hard to find true love and i think we
as women tend to send the message that if
a man doesnt do something for me, [which i
would do for him] then he doesnt love me
and he's no good. WRONG....... That is
entrapment, no one likes to be manipulated
[not lovingly persuaded] into something.
Love is free will, giving and taking, and
respecting and understanding when someone
doesnt want to do something.
I believe you should try counselling
before you give up on him and your
relationship
To add to the comment amde about once an
alcoholic 'you have to stay away from
alcohol always' that is not true hon.
There are many people that have overcome
there alcohol addictions successfully and
became casual drinkers [ a lot of work to
do before getting to this stage]. I pray
evrything works out in both your interest.
take care hon.
|
|
|
|
|
