Joined: 14 Nov 2006 Posts: 1912 Location: Boise, Idaho,
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Living In Hell Posted: 10-07-07 23:45pm
Sorry long, but I need some help!! I am
opening way up here and will delete this
post in less then a week.
I just discovered the core of my marriage
problems...we truly don't love each other.
I am a chore. Throughout our relationship,
my husband hasn't really done anything to
truly want to make me happy. For a very
minor example, on my birthday my husband
didn't even get me a card. I did inquire
about it because my son only knew by my
telling him it was my birthday but that
was a little too abstract for him. I
really wanted him to help pick out a card
for me as a practice on how to help
someone celebrate their birthday. My
husband looked at me and said, "sorry." He
really didn't look like he meant it. He
went out later and had my son pick out a
card. That is what I face daily.
I didn't understand until now what it was.
Now I realize I truly don't make him
happy. He doesn't get great joy or even a
little joy out of trying to make me happy.
I am not talking presents or anything like
that but when you have a husband that
really doesn't care or "sighs" when you
ask him nicely to do even the littlest of
things, it hurts. Actually, I should say
"when you have to ask him for
everything!!" I find to even have the
littlest need met, I have to communicate
verbatim. Even the littlest need is a
chore.
I have communicated my needs clearly and
he usually says, "I will do better, I know
haven't done good." Things always remain
the same. I just talked with him, while
bawling my eyes out. I told him that when
you love someone it should give you great
joy to want to make the other person happy
- at least once in a while. I stated that
I felt like it was a chore for him and he
didn't say anything. I told him that I
felt like we really needed to consider
whether or not we are right for each
other. I asked him to really be objective
and think about it because I don't want to
spend the rest of my life in a
relationship where I feel like a "chore."
I am only 33 years old and would want to
break from this relationship now rather
than later.
I would have to work full time as a single
parent, which would stink. I think it
would stink more living in a relationship
where I know the person probably doesn't
love me.
I was gone all weekend and just came home
(Brian was with me). I wasn't greeted with
a hug or "glad to have you back!" My
husband had an excuse, "I was really
tired." That is his excuse for
everything.
I lived my life feeling like a chore to my
father. He never remembered my birthday or
anything. Now I think it's funny because
he is ADHD, severe, and does it with
everyone. However, the only person in my
life that truly remembered things about me
were my mom and my aunt. I never had a
birthday party, ever. It was like another
day. When my father picked me up for the
weekend, I could see that he really didn't
want me there. It was hell.
So, when I entered in this relationship, I
thought this all was normal. Suddenly I
can pinpoint what is so wrong in my
marriage. I know that I am not
overreacting because I have many friends
who have husbands who really love to do
even just the little things for their
wives or significant others. I guess that
is normal, right??
I am a Christian and really have a hard
time with the whole divorce issue.
However, how can I stay with someone that
truly may not even love me. Does this give
anyone a clue?? We have only had sex one
time since I had my baby - 3 months ago.
It was only about one week ago. He really
doesn't want to do it at all with me. We
hadn't done it throughout my pregnancy
either due to preg. complications. We are
talking one year.
My husband strongly claims he is not
depressed because he has been depressed
before and knows what it feels like.
So, that is my life right now. I don't
believe I made a mistake in marrying him
because I have two beautiful children. I
just don't want to make a mistake with the
rest of my life. I really want what's best
for the kids and quite frankly I really
don't know if staying together is the best
for them. It's so hard to know. So very
hard.
We should get counseling but I am almost
at the point I don't even want to
communicate anymore. I have communicated
so much, I am tired. I communicate the way
I should with the whole, "I feel"
statements. My counseling courses have
served me well in that respect. I feel I
have been a good communicator at least 50%
of the time. The other times I just get so
darn frustrated.
I keep having dreams where my husband is
cheating on me and I just start crying.
This last dream, he cheated on me and I
met someone else who wasn't as well
educated but was a hard working man who
really clicked with me. In my dream, he
did such nice things for me and I could
see the joy in his eyes that he had to
make me happy - in the littlest things. I
no longer cared that my husband cheated on
me and felt very relieved! I was finally
going to be happy. I woke up in a way
wishing that were reality. I wish that the
semi-short, very plain looking, slightly
curly brown-haired, Albertson's store
manager was my new boyfriend (yes, it was
that detailed - weird). In real life I
completely don't know anyone who works
there.
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Sandbox Party
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Jul 2006 Posts: 7276
Posted: 10-08-07 00:14am
let me approach this first off, by saying
that i know how u feel. Rob and I are
constantly arguing about how he never buys
me things, like roses, or a card.. just
something to let me know im on his mind. I
feel so unappreciated sometimes. And yes,
the word *chore* has come out of my
mouth.. along with *obligation* and
*outlet*.. So im right there with u... i
went over that over and over and over.. i
still dont get the *gifts* but hes become
a lot more romantic and appreciative of
what i do. IT took me threatening to leave
and actually packing my bags to get him to
see i was serious.
SEcondly.. dont be so quick to feel its
over. A lot of relationships go thru this
stage.. more than u think. Its usually
right after the *honeymoon* stage, and
right before the *comfort* zone. You start
to question things, wondering if they are
the right one.. becuase forever is a long
time.. and thats what marriage is intended
to be. And to a lot of people, thats
overwhelming and frightening. But u have
to sit back and look at the big picture..
maybe hes so comfortable with you that he
feels he doesnt need to give u things, or
tell u/show u his appreciation. Guys are
like that.. there are VERY FEW that are
willing to shower us with gifts and love
and terms of endearment.. they're usually
gay. Guys just dont typically posess that
trait. Especially if their fathers werent
very romantic people. They learn by
example.
With that being said, maybe he *is* tired.
What does he do for a living? Maybe since
u guys are a young new family, hes working
himself to the bone and hes so worried
about making sure you guys are provided
for that he cant bring himself to show
affection.
There are a lot of possibilities for why
hes doing or not doing the things u are
upset about. Im in no way justifying it..
but maybe u need to ask him what he thinks
needs to be changed in the relationship.
Its a 2 way street, babe. Maybe there are
things he wishes U were doing. Maybe hes
just a typical man who doesnt know any
better.
I do think you guys need counseling. A
place where u can both speak ur TRUE
feelings, without fear of judgement or
interuption. A married couple who wants it
to last cant be communicative 50% of the
time whether its frustrating or not.
Marriage requires a LOT of work of both
parts.
PM me if u want my email to talk more. Im
here for u. ^_^
~Sandra
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ladylee70
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Joined: 14 Nov 2006 Posts: 1912 Location: Boise, Idaho,
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Posted: 10-08-07 00:21am
Thanks Sandra. I will probably pm you
tomorrow. You are right in that it is a
two way street.
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amethyst eyes
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Nov 2006 Posts: 1339
Posted: 10-08-07 00:30am
I honestly do not think any advise can be
given in this situation. You must do what
you feel is right and will make a better
life for you and your family. You are the
only one who is experiencing this so we
can not relate no matter how much we think
we can. I do think a man who truly loves
you will not have a problem doing things
for you.
I do not is any way think a man is allowed
to be this way just because "that is how
men are". Sandra, can you be a little
more supportive? We have no idea what has
been going on with her relationship so
trying to make her feel bad by justifying
his actions is not helping her at all. I
believe she has already spoken to him
multiple times about his lake of care.
Forgetting birthdays and not caring about
the outcome is only one aspect of their
situation and you can not truly compare it
since your husband HAS changed you can not
relate to her situation.
I truly think that you already know what
you need to do in this situation and I
wish you best in your future and
hopefully you will be more fully
appreciated in the future.
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Sandbox Party
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Jul 2006 Posts: 7276
Posted: 10-08-07 00:37am
rainfire1424
wrote:
There are a lot of
possibilities for why hes doing or not
doing the things u are upset about. Im
in no way justifying it.. but maybe u
need to ask him what he thinks needs to be
changed in the relationship. Its a 2 way
street, babe. Maybe there are things he
wishes U were doing. Maybe hes just a
typical man who doesnt know any better.
I do think you guys need counseling. A
place where u can both speak ur TRUE
feelings, without fear of judgement or
interuption. A married couple who wants it
to last cant be communicative 50% of the
time whether its frustrating or not.
Marriage requires a LOT of work of both
parts.
~Sandra
yeah i went over that.
carry on.
remind me when i tried to make her feel
bad?
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amethyst eyes
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Nov 2006 Posts: 1339
Posted: 10-08-07 00:43am
I am not going to argue over the subject.
I don't feel that saying "that is just how
men are" justifies anything. It is a
stupid stereotype that needs to be trashed
at this point in time. If you are in a
loving relationship then it should not be
difficult to show affection or try and
help one another. Being in an unhappy
relationship helps no one.
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Sandbox Party
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Jul 2006 Posts: 7276
Posted: 10-08-07 00:46am
iridescent_opal
wrote:
I am not going to argue over
the subject. I don't feel that saying
"that is just how men are" justifies
anything. It is a stupid stereotype that
needs to be trashed at this point in time.
If you are in a loving relationship then
it should not be difficult to show
affection or try and help one another.
Being in an unhappy relationship helps no
one.
i never argued that.
i just said maybe exhaust all options
before opting for divorce.
and men really are that way. its not a
stereotype.. its a fact. most men just
dont posess the ability to read a womans
mind and notice when the need something.
it takes years of training from their
wives to finally see it.
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amethyst eyes
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Nov 2006 Posts: 1339
Posted: 10-08-07 00:57am
I do not believe that at all. My father,
brother and boyfriend all remember
birthdays and show genuine affections for
the women in their lives. My boyfriend
knows full well when my birthday is,
without me telling him and actually cares
about what I want. He also helps around
the house and cares about my feelings.
All MEN should be this way, even if it is
against someone else's stereotype of BOYS.
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moonshinemix
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Oct 2007 Posts: 37
Is It Possible... Posted: 10-08-07 01:22am
I can see you are doing all the
communicating in your relationship, but I
don't really see any efforts from your
hubbie. "Men are from Mars and Women are
from Venus". It is unfortunate but women
are more nurturing than men, and men turn
to their 'caves' to sort things out in
their heads. When men see/hear a woman
crying or become emotional, they sometimes
think this is allien and look for an easy
out by going "into their cave" by saying
"I'm too tired", "not now". In order for
man and woman to understand each other
they need to meet halfway, from BOTH
sides. You know there is a problem, but
you need to get him to communicate back,
properly. Have you asked him what he
thinks of...? how he feels if...? I had
communicating problems in my relationship
too until I read the book... It sort of
helped me understand men a bit better. I
started off with simple things such as
asking his advice on stuff ... and
listening with a half an ear. It's cruel
I know but when I tried it with my hubbie,
it got him out of his "cave".
Communication is a stepping stone of a
relationship, if you're the only one
communicating, then there is a problem.
It's got nothing to do with sterio-type
boys. Men simply function differently
than women. They know we are emotional
creatures and know which buttons to press,
but do we really know where their buttons
are? I say proper communication is the
key. Read the book...
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Ingi
Moderator
Joined: 09 Mar 2006 Posts: 8901 Location: Grinning like a Cheshire Cat,
Thanks: 171
Thanked:197
Posted: 10-08-07 08:08am
I agree with Sandra here. What you need is
some honest communication with your
husband.
On *my* birthday (I never had a party as a
child either) I bake my own cake with the
kids. If my husband doesn't get me a card,
or anything, he knows it is *my* birthday
and when my birthday is. When we make the
cake, my daughter will also know and make
me a card from her. Which is more geniune
to me than buying one I love handmade
cards!
One thing I've learned in my marriage is
that my husband is not here to take care
of me emotionally. I need to be able to
take care of me emotionally. He is my
partner and my friend, but he is not the
sole person in charge of keeping me happy
and even keel. The only one who can do
that is me.
I know I keep saying how as mothers we
need to take care of ourselves, but it is
TRUTH. We need to take care of us and we
also need to nuture our relationships to
keep them strong. Relationships need
constant work to keep them healthy. Date
nights sound corny and like that will
never work - but it does. Just time alone
with your husband with NO KIDS is
amazingly refreshing and can remind us of
why we chose that person to spend our
lives with.
Counseling sounds like a great place for
you two to let out your needs without
feeling like you are being judged or
having the finger pointed at you like it
is all your fault (or his).
Good luck!
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vanessalouanne
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Joined: 31 May 2005 Posts: 2268 Location: ,
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Posted: 10-08-07 10:16am
Ingi
wrote:
I agree with Sandra here.
What you need is some honest communication
with your husband.
On *my* birthday (I never had a party as a
child either) I bake my own cake with the
kids. If my husband doesn't get me a card,
or anything, he knows it is *my* birthday
and when my birthday is. When we make the
cake, my daughter will also know and make
me a card from her. Which is more geniune
to me than buying one I love handmade
cards!
One thing I've learned in my marriage is
that my husband is not here to take care
of me emotionally. I need to be able to
take care of me emotionally. He is my
partner and my friend, but he is not the
sole person in charge of keeping me happy
and even keel. The only one who can do
that is me.
I know I keep saying how as mothers we
need to take care of ourselves, but it is
TRUTH. We need to take care of us and we
also need to nuture our relationships to
keep them strong. Relationships need
constant work to keep them healthy. Date
nights sound corny and like that will
never work - but it does. Just time alone
with your husband with NO KIDS is
amazingly refreshing and can remind us of
why we chose that person to spend our
lives with.
Counseling sounds like a great place for
you two to let out your needs without
feeling like you are being judged or
having the finger pointed at you like it
is all your fault (or his).
Good luck!
I couldnt agree more
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musikmaker
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 May 2006 Posts: 1757 Location: Chicago, US
Thanks: 10
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Posted: 10-08-07 10:26am
My husband and I almost called it quits
last year right before I got pregnant. I
thought that I didn't love him anymore and
I wanted out.
I too am a Christian so I knew that I
shouldn't divorce over something like
this. I finally agreed to Christian
counseling and it did wonders for our
relationship. We are so happy now and even
though we still fight we talk it out
afterwards.
We actually just had several weeks of
dealing with Dan not wanting to have sex
with me. He was too tramatized by watching
Luke come flying out HE got over that
though.
I hope that all works out well for you
guys. I know it can be rough.
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hopefulmjz
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 31 Mar 2005 Posts: 4777 Location: , USA
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Posted: 10-08-07 11:15am
I'm so sorry you're having such an awful
time Karin. I hope things work out for
you and your family.
i too go thru that with my dh it is so
frustrating but please rethink before
divorce counciling is an option try it
first hun i know its not easy my dh is
gone alot but when he is around its all
him and not me i clean take care of kids
house pets him ect sounds silly but im
upset but havent voiced it that he cannt
remember the day we first met and then we
married 1 month and 1 day later youd think
hed remeber it jeesh. pm me if you need to
hun
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Sandbox Party
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Jul 2006 Posts: 7276
Posted: 10-08-07 14:08pm
yes we love you, Karin! We're here for you
babe!
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ladylee70
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Nov 2006 Posts: 1912 Location: Boise, Idaho,
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Posted: 10-08-07 17:57pm
Thanks everyone for your wonderful
support. You all have helped out a lot. It
seems like most of you have gone through
this. I do believe what Sandra stated
about the stages of marriage. We are
probably right before the comfort stage.
Ingi, great idea about baking your own
cake with your kids. That is something I
will start doing! What a wonderful idea
and a way not to get "upset" when hubby
doesn't do the birthday cake thing.
Candita, our husbands do sound a lot
alike. It is just so difficult at times.
Musikmaker: I often feel I don't love him
as well.
I really don't feel like he is the sole
person to make me happy. I have a great of
girl friends that I have met here and I
have fun with them and vent to them when
needed. I have my own hobbies that I am
involved in (as much as I can be). I am
actually tired of hour long talks about
"how I feel" and "what would help me feel
loved..." Usually we end it by hugging and
by him saying I will remember that or
focus on that. There usually is no change.
If there is a change, it is for a day. He
just starts focusing on his self again.
One thing I really haven't done in those
conversations, however, is ask him if
there is anything I should be doing
differently. I actually asked him once
about three years ago and he said
"nothing."
He is bipolar II and is not receiving
medication. I have tried for one year to
get him back on meds but he just won't do
it. I will have to make the appt for him
because I think making appts are difficult
for him (most guys hate making appts in my
experience). It is frustrating. I wonder
if he is truly uncapable at the moment of
even meeting the smallest of my needs. He
can barely meet his own.
Oh...I don't know. I will take your advice
and seek out a counselor. I know I will
get reamed for saying extremely hurtful
things to him. I just get so frustrated
that I lash out with hurtful words because
I feel unloved....sounds so dumb, I know
but that is how I respond. After you don't
feel heard for so long, sometimes you just
don't know what else to do but lash out.
Yes, I need to change that.
Thanks you all.
Karin
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Ingi
Moderator
Joined: 09 Mar 2006 Posts: 8901 Location: Grinning like a Cheshire Cat,
Thanks: 171
Thanked:197
Posted: 10-08-07 18:32pm
Good luck, Karin. Celebrate you for you
and the kids and if he doesn't join, that
is his loss. Eventually he'll come around
(hopefully)
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ladylee70
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Nov 2006 Posts: 1912 Location: Boise, Idaho,
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Posted: 10-08-07 19:56pm
Wow! I am a little shocked. He actually
came home with chocolate kisses, wine (I
will supplement!!) and a dozen roses. He
has only done this one other time and it
was on my birthday about 5 years ago. He
actually has complimented me on a few
things today as well. I don't expect this
all the time, of course, but that was so
nice.
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Sandbox Party
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Jul 2006 Posts: 7276
Posted: 10-08-07 22:01pm
YAY!!!
See.. u just gotta be patient.. men come
around when you least expect it.. (and
usually at the last darn minute lol.)
Im glad u got roses! I got a huuuuge box
of chocolates and went out for ice cream
tonight! Sounds like our men are on the
same page today!
Yay for sweet guys!
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hopefulmjz
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Joined: 31 Mar 2005 Posts: 4777 Location: , USA
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Posted: 10-08-07 22:47pm
I'm glad to hear he showed you some
positive attention today Karin, what a
great surprise! Enjoy your wine, little
Brian won't mind having a supplement for
dinner or midnight snack!
I love handmade
cards!
