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Alcoholic Husband

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September 27th, 2007
I desperately need some advice! I have been married to my husband for 20 years. About 12 years ago he would have an occasional beer (maybe 3-4 a week) He now drinks a 6 pack a night, EVERY NIGHT! Our daughter was killed in a car accident 10 years ago and since then the drinking has just gotten worse & worse. I have been verbally and mentally abused when my husband is drinking. He has gotten in fights (physical at times) with our 17 year old son & called him horrible names when he is drinking. My son has now moved out because he can't stand his dads drinking. He has been gone 2 1/2 weeks now & my husband has only asked me once about him! My husband does NOTHING with me or our kids unless it involves his side of the family. We even go on our own vacations! He doesn't go to any of his kids soccer games, plays, award banquets, dance recitals, etc......NOTHING! He doesn't even spend a holiday meal with us and hasn't for 8 years or so. I am convinced this is all because of his drinking. Once "beer-thirty" starts, he is totally out of commision because he won't drink & drive. My children and grandchildren from a previous marriage are not welcome in our home & they know it. He calls them "scabs" & runs them down all the time. He says that I'm the one that makes him drink. He has also said he knows he drinks too much & he will cut down and he does for a day or so, then it's back to the booze. I am so unhappy in this marriage but I don't have any money or anywhere to go. I guess I just keep hoping he will quit the drinking. He doesn't seem to realize how it affects all our lives & how he isn't a part of our lives anymore. If the kids need to be taken somewhere, it's always up to me to do the running, even after working all day. I'm tired of everything & feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I'm so worried about my son & where he's staying & if he's going to school. Any advice?
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Mabel
replied September 27th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
Go to Alanon.

How will Al-Anon help me?

Many who come to Al-Anon/Alateen are in despair, feeling hopeless, unable to believe that things can ever change. We want our lives to be different, but nothing we have done has brought about change. We all come to Al-Anon because we want and need help.

In Al-Anon and Alateen, members share their own experience, strength, and hope with each other. You will meet others who share your feelings and frustrations, if not your exact situation. We come together to learn a better way of life, to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
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austinmv
replied September 28th, 2007
Re: Alcoholic Husband
dtrescott7 wrote:
I desperately need some advice! I have been married to my husband for 20 years. About 12 years ago he would have an occasional beer (maybe 3-4 a week) He now drinks a 6 pack a night, EVERY NIGHT! Our daughter was killed in a car accident 10 years ago and since then the drinking has just gotten worse & worse. I have been verbally and mentally abused when my husband is drinking. He has gotten in fights (physical at times) with our 17 year old son & called him horrible names when he is drinking. My son has now moved out because he can't stand his dads drinking. He has been gone 2 1/2 weeks now & my husband has only asked me once about him! My husband does NOTHING with me or our kids unless it involves his side of the family. We even go on our own vacations! He doesn't go to any of his kids soccer games, plays, award banquets, dance recitals, etc......NOTHING! He doesn't even spend a holiday meal with us and hasn't for 8 years or so. I am convinced this is all because of his drinking. Once "beer-thirty" starts, he is totally out of commision because he won't drink & drive. My children and grandchildren from a previous marriage are not welcome in our home & they know it. He calls them "scabs" & runs them down all the time. He says that I'm the one that makes him drink. He has also said he knows he drinks too much & he will cut down and he does for a day or so, then it's back to the booze. I am so unhappy in this marriage but I don't have any money or anywhere to go. I guess I just keep hoping he will quit the drinking. He doesn't seem to realize how it affects all our lives & how he isn't a part of our lives anymore. If the kids need to be taken somewhere, it's always up to me to do the running, even after working all day. I'm tired of everything & feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I'm so worried about my son & where he's staying & if he's going to school. Any advice?
dtrescott i'm an alcoholic. the good thing is i know it. and have admitted it. when i drink thats the most important thing in my life and i have neglected so many important things in my life and with excessive drinking i've been verbally abusive to my gf. the only thing i really can tell you is your beliefs of the drinking is the problem you are absolutely correct. i attend family gathering spend time at social events with my gf's family and i enjoy the heck out it. but when i start drinking i want abslutely nothing to do with the outside world beyone my beer in the fridge or my bottle. i'm not sure how much alcohol he's drinking in a day but i can tell you it will only get worse. and i don't know if thats a good thing or bad because it took my to hit rock bottom to abmit my problem and he may have to do the same. alanon is a great suggestion because it will help you cope with the situation emotionally and you will no you are not alone in this stuggle. all i can wish for is he learns of his problem before it gets as bad as mine because i lost everything
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mrsbuzski
replied September 29th, 2007
Experienced User
Loose Everything...
God help you!

All you can do is pray!

Whether it be that you pray that the person quit drinking or the person dies of liver damage that is THEIR means, not yours. You are wise enough to know the difference!

Don't forget that!
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wazzywoman4ever
replied October 14th, 2007
Experienced User
Your Not Alone
If he is not supporting you and you can afford to ......can you ask him to leave? can you afford to leave...or can you hold out until he hits bottom? we all know what we might do if we were you but we are not you ...what can you live with? my best guess is that you make peace with the situation and continue til he changes for better or worse but if you want out then start investing your energy in the best and safest way to get out ....catch your breath and get out from under all this pressure.....trial separation do something so you will know and not have to guess .knowing will make a difference doing something will make a difference but in all of this and what is coming you are not alone ...be safe be happy ...one day at a time
wazzywoman/robin
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Nightflight
replied October 27th, 2007
Your story sounds almost like mine. Except for the kids from a previous marriage. I finally left. I lived with someone while I got on my feet, then got my first apartment. I LOVED it, it was so peaceful and I was not degraded any longer. This was years ago. Our last child was just out of high school. I did not even have a bed when I first moved. I slept on a pallet on the floor. But it was MY floor:) I gradually got everything I needed and my dignity back. I attended alanon. There is an online alanon meeting though, it is at 12stepforums and there is someone there 24/7 to talk with you. You will find you are not alone and will learn a lot about this dreadful sickness. God Speed to you and yours. The years have restored unto me all that the locusts had eaten. I am far richer than I could have ever dreamed of.
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daffodil67
replied November 2nd, 2007
Experienced User
AlAnon, AlAnon, AlAnon...The reason I say this is that you need some sanity in your life. AlAnon can provide it. I have seen women live in such situations with the aid of Alanon (for various reasons not leaving or asking him to leave) very successfully. I mean, jsut kicking the guy out, or you leaving won't really SOLVE your problem, unless you have no kids together. You need to learn about his illness, whether he chooses to get well or not.

The main thing is that it can give you peace of mind. There are meetings all over. You will learn about the disease of alcoholism, boundaries, detaching with love, being responsible when all you wan to do is run...and so much more. And there is so much love there.

If you choose nto to go the 12 step route (although sometimes it leads to the drinking partner ALSO going teh 12 step route, which means MUCH more peace and even GROWTH and quittting drinking), please at lest see a therapist, such as an MSW counselor (they are called different things in each state depednign on what their licnece is abbreviated as...here it is LCSW. MSW is the degree they have.)

There IS hope. Just remember that, and don't let it go any farther, to where you jsut want to give up, i mean if you really loved this man. You CAN have a good life. It may not be with him, but your kids WILL need help, too. There is a group called Alateen. Kids need help with it too. They dont' just "bounce back."

Good luck
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