I'm at home, I've been for the past week, sleeping, crying. I finally mustered up just enough energy to write this post. Hmm...I've spent the last 5 years ''getting help'', asking for help; feeling suicidal, then feeling really good (manic-like), and then really depressed and suicidal again.

People come and go...I'm trying to do my best to be in denial about the fact that I have NO FRIENDS-only a family who would probably be better off WITHOUT me. School is my life but I'm failing and I think I'll quit which basically leaves me with absolutely NOTHING to look forward to....I wanted to be a psychologist (yeah right..) .......hmmm...I'm 21 but I feel like I'm this 90 year old sitting in a nursery home all day long waiting to die.

I've been hospitalized already and I don't want to go down that road again- for me, being hospitalized = being forced to take medication and being restrained. I still get nightmares about almost being suffocated while being restrained.

I just want to be loved and accepted, and if that's not possible then I just wanna die.