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Animal Abuse

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I guess I will keep this short. I tried writing it all out but it was way too complicated. This is attempt #2

I am 20 years old, female. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with a personality disorder after a long history of social awkwardness, and low self-esteem. This diagnoses was made after 2 halfhearted suicide attempts and two brief hospitalizations. I was started on medication but became violently angry often, tried to run away twice, and began cutting myself.

During these few turbulent years I began abusing my animals badly. I love animals, I always have, and I always will. I didn't wonder at the time why I was abusing them, I just knew it felt satisfying. I had mostly guinea pigs. I nearly drowned the first one several times. It felt good to watch him struggle and shiver, then I would pull him out and pretend it was someone else, wrap him in a blanket, hold him close, and give him treats and love. Sometimes I hit them. They would squeal and try to run, and be cornered. I would smack the ground next to them so that they would jump and shy away. Then I would be violently sick, and hurt myself. I had a gerbil who I spun around in his ball until he was so dizzy that he would run in circles.
I remember these things, but it is like another person, like I was watching some crazy sick demented piece of trash torture these babies that I loved, that meant more to me than any friend. Someone else, and then I would come back to myself and rescue them. But I know it was me that hurt them.

In the last 2 years of high school, after nearly being expelled, I became stable. I graduated a special ed high school as valedictorian, and won the annual "most improved" award, as well as various other scholarships. I never hit my pets again. I swore I never will. My pets are a huge life now. I dorm at college but I look foward every weekend to spend time with my babies. They have their own personalities, and their own talents. I teach them tricks and buy them lots of toys and play with them for hours until they fall alseep in my lap.

Sometimes, mostly at night I feel lightheaded and weird for a moment, and I look at my pets and want to hit them, to make them scared and hurt, then rescue them again. I never act on these impulses. I swore I never would again, because they deserve better. No one. man or animal, deserves that kind of treatment.

I have huge amounts of guilt now. It has become a part of me, this burden of knowing that I am a sick freak. I can have all the pets in the world for the rest of my life, and I can shower them with attention, love, food, and play, and I would still be labeled as a criminal by most animal lovers just for having these thoughts.

I guess what I am trying to get out of this is advice, assurance, anger, anything. I have never told anyone about this before. So, am I sick? Am I a bad person? Should I be locked up?
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replied September 19th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
i


dont




know


i work in animal rescue and im appauled by this post.
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replied September 19th, 2007
I know... I know. I watch "animal cops" and want to lock up animal abusers for life, then I get like a flashback and I think "that should be me"
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replied September 19th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
yeah

man

im sorry. you have to be...hurt? how does it make you feel to know youve done that?

ive been rescueing dogs for over two years now and i couldnt imagine even yelling at a dog

Sad
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replied September 19th, 2007
Its deeply confusing. I am such an animal person, everyone kept saying how I should become a vet tech or study zoology... No one knows but me, and their opinion of me would be ruined. Its like carrying a huge secret, something that contradicts what your personality and values are based on.

I love animals so so much. I just bought a feeder rat the other day to keep it from being lunch, and I love him so much. But every time I kiss him (yeah, I kiss rats, thats how devoted I am now) I think about how scared he would be if he had been my pet just 5 years ago.

Thanks for listening... I know I must sound so disgusting. I feel disgusting.
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replied September 19th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
yeah you do sound discusting but its not my place to judge you.

im here to help and listen

can you promise me and promise those poor animals you will never hurt them again?

they have no voices to speak. they cannot tell you how they feel and they dont understand what they have done wrong when you treat them that way.
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replied September 20th, 2007
Of course I promise... I love my animals. I have had many animals since those days, and I never hit or scared any of them. I spend much of my small income on toys and delux food and treats. I love making them happy. I plan on buying my new rat a friend to keep him happy during the week when I am at school. I guess I feel like I have to make you understand that I am a good person (or I am trying to prove it to myself, not sure wich) I am soft-spoken and am studying psychology... I feel like I have small insight into the world of abusers... very small, but insight nontheless. I think I am a good person... I try so hard to be. But I guess I want to know if I will always truley be this disgusting person... like you said ... I sound disgusting. If I told anyone, even my own therapist, they would have a drastically altered view of me. Does that mean I am just hiding my disgusting self, and that all the effort I put into loving people and animals is superficial and I am just a horrible person in disguise?
Will I go to hell? These are questions I ask myself all the time, and it torments me.
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replied September 20th, 2007
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I'm an animal lover and am appalled by this post as well. Exclamation

I think if you are having thoughts of harming animals, you should not have any pets at all. And definitely don't have children either.

I know you can't help this, and I'm not saying you're a bad person at all.

I think animals deserve a loving home, where there is no chance of being abused at all.

Maybe you should consider giving up your pets to a classroom or something and just visit the petting zoo when you want to love up on an animal.

Or, how about volunteering at an animal shelter? You would be supervised with animals and you can love on them all you want. They need the love.
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replied September 20th, 2007
Marianne0558 wrote:

I think if you are having thoughts of harming animals, you should not have any pets at all. And definitely don't have children either.


I don't ever harm people, even emotionally.

Marianne0558 wrote:
I think animals deserve a loving home, where there is no chance of being abused at all..

There is no home more loving than mine... I will never abuse again. Ever. Sometimes I feel like I have an obligation to take in animals, and help them live the best possible life. Some of my friends have pets... but they treat them like centerpieces on a table. I have adopted animals from friends and families, have trained them and socialized them... I NEVER hit any pets since those years. I never will again, because I know how much it hurts the animals, and I know how much it scars the abuser, even if it was only at one time in their life.[/quote]

Marianne0558 wrote:
Maybe you should consider giving up your pets to a classroom or something and just visit the petting zoo when you want to love up on an animal.
Or, how about volunteering at an animal shelter? You would be supervised with animals and you can love on them all you want. They need the love.


I actually volenteer at a nature preserve, where I work mostly with bats. And I am sure you know, playing with an animal at a zoo is not like having your own pet. Its like babysitting.

So I guess most people will think that because I did this at one point in my life, I should never be given another chance... wow... I know I messed up... but I thought I could make it up somehow to the animals, who like stated above, have no voice of their own. Sorry for being dramatic.
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replied September 20th, 2007
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Lostgirl86 wrote:
If I told anyone, even my own therapist, they would have a drastically altered view of me. Does that mean I am just hiding my disgusting self, and that all the effort I put into loving people and animals is superficial and I am just a horrible person in disguise?
Will I go to hell?


You shouldn't be afraid to tell your therapist ANYTHING. They aren't ethically allowed to have an altered view of you because of something you told them in privacy. I would try talking to your therapist about it. Maybe they can give you some insight on how to get the thoughts to stop flooding your mind.

I don't think you are a horrible person, I just think you have some issues that need to be dealt with.

I doubt you will go to Hell, but I can't say for sure since nobody knows whether or not Hell even exists. I think you are living in your own personal Hell right now.

Don't apologize for being dramatic. If this is a serious problem to you, then you have every right to be dramatic when explaining the situation.

Since you are volunteering at a preserve, that could be a great way to give back to animals. May I ask how old you were when the abuse was going on? And how old are you now?
I ask your age because it isn't unheard of for children to torture animals. They grow out of it, as I think you have grown out of it.
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replied September 20th, 2007
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Lostgirl86 wrote:
Of course I promise... I love my animals. I have had many animals since those days, and I never hit or scared any of them. I spend much of my small income on toys and delux food and treats. I love making them happy. I plan on buying my new rat a friend to keep him happy during the week when I am at school. I guess I feel like I have to make you understand that I am a good person (or I am trying to prove it to myself, not sure wich) I am soft-spoken and am studying psychology... I feel like I have small insight into the world of abusers... very small, but insight nontheless. I think I am a good person... I try so hard to be. But I guess I want to know if I will always truley be this disgusting person... like you said ... I sound disgusting. If I told anyone, even my own therapist, they would have a drastically altered view of me. Does that mean I am just hiding my disgusting self, and that all the effort I put into loving people and animals is superficial and I am just a horrible person in disguise?
Will I go to hell? These are questions I ask myself all the time, and it torments me.


hun
that theripist would lock you up or something. and you could be charged weith animal cruelty and you really dont want that
you did a great job comming onto here looking for help.

i cant say if you will always be this "discusting" person. i dont know what your future holds i just hope it holds good intentions towards the creatures in life that cannot speak

i cant really say if you will go to hell or not as i dont believe in hell or heaven.

just remember that there are people out there whom can help you if you feel you need it.
i would never imajine myself ever talking to a person like this who has done something like you did. i am a HUGE animal lover and like i said ive been in dog recue for over two years now. im completely against ny form of cruelty towards animals...but even though you have done something that hurts me to even think about adnd talk about...im still here for you. like i said its not my place to judge. maybe you were just at a rough time in your life when that was the only way you knew how to take out all of your anger towards yourself and YOUR own life?

when i was 14 i did cocaine horribly for a year straight. does that mean i will always be a coke head? no
because i stopped and i looked at my life and what i was douing and i was discusted with myself. a year later cocaine and meth killed one of my best friends when he commited suicide on tran tracks. he layed his head directly on the track and the train couldnt stop.

his name was ishmael...and i think about what he did all of the time. because i USED TO BE APART OF IT
and i stopped
that could have been me on those train tracks. but it wasnt because i turned my life around...
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replied September 20th, 2007
Marianne0558 wrote:

You shouldn't be afraid to tell your therapist ANYTHING. They aren't ethically allowed to have an altered view of you because of something you told them in privacy. I would try talking to your therapist about it. Maybe they can give you some insight on how to get the thoughts to stop flooding your mind.


I know they are not allowed to disclose information like that unless the person is a danger to himself or others, but I see her occasionally and am afraid that if she treats me different it will hurt me more than if I never told anyone.

Marianne0558 wrote:

I don't think you are a horrible person, I just think you have some issues that need to be dealt with.


That means so much to me.

Marianne0558 wrote:

I think you are living in your own personal Hell right now.

Yeah... I don't think anyone can understand shame unless they have experienced it so deeply.


Marianne0558 wrote:

May I ask how old you were when the abuse was going on? And how old are you now?
I ask your age because it isn't unheard of for children to torture animals. They grow out of it, as I think you have grown out of it.


I was 13/14 when I had my breakdown and all that. It was accompanied by dangerous sex acts, self-mutilation, rage, and dissociative episodes. I can live with the scars and can fix most of my relationships, but even 6 years later I feel increasingly conflicted about what I did to those poor animals then.
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replied November 3rd, 2007
OMG, this post will stick in my head forever.
Get help.
NOW.
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replied November 4th, 2007
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NO- If you see a therapist, they will NOT lock you up as long as there is no threat to yourself or other humans. Go get help, you will be safe.
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