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Bipolar Boyfriend Changing His Mind ! typical for bipolar ? (Page 1)

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I have been dating a wonderful older man for five months. He is bipolar, but it seemed that it didn't effect us for the most part. The relationship progressed very fast. We spent the month of August together in Europe, and he tells me every day that he loves me. He even bought me a pre-engagament ring. For two months, he has been talking about engagement non-stop, and last weekend, he threw me an enormous birthday party. He is also affectionate.

Last week, his landscaper made a big mistake in his yeard, and it threw him into this depression. The next night, as we were driving to dinner for him to meet my parents for the first time, he told me he needed a break from me. I cried (I couldn't believe that he would do that with my family here when I only see them twice a year). He said nevermind, we would work it out.

The next night, he made me call my parents, who had left, and tell them everything was okay. Later that night, as we were driving to an event, he again said he wanted to break up. He said I should get over it, people break up all the time, and he is impulsive. Again, later that night, he said everything was okay.

This went on for tewo more nights: we would make up, have wonderufl days together, and he would do it again. Finally, yesterday, he said he wanted to break up because nothing made me any different than the other women he hadn't married. Later that night he took me to dinner with his parents.

This morning he said we have to make a decision about this tonight, once and for all.

I am SO confused and depressed. I bought into it all, and I thought I had found the person I was going to marry. I rely on him now for support, and I love him.

How does a man change his mind and go back and forth so wuickly like this? is this typical of bipolar?

I need help. I am hurting so much.
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First Helper jana73
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replied September 19th, 2007
anyone?
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replied November 24th, 2012
Dating a Bipolar Man
I'm in the same situation. I love an older man who is all over the place when it comes to our relationship. It goes from being extremely intense to the point that it's too good to be true, then the next minute I can say or do something and we're over. Then, he'll forget about the "over" part and act like nothing ever happened. I can't trust him now. I don't know if our plans will ever pan out, or if he'll ditch me at the last minute, I don't know when I'm going to say something that will set him off, and then I don't know if it's "real" when he professes his love for me. It's such a vicous cycle and I can't get out of it! I don't want to leave him (he makes that very hard) but I don't want to live this way either. He won't stay on his meds. Most of the time he sais he's misdiagnosed and he's not bipolar, but he clearly is. We are going on seven years of this. Everyone thinks I'm "crazy" for staying, but they aren't in my shoes. I don't want to be judged but yes, I'm sure it looks like I'm a huge doormat. I too, am hurting. I hurt for him, I hurt for me because I'm allowing my life to be consumed by this, and I hurt for the fact that this isn't anyones fault. His mother had it, his sister has it, and so does he. I wonder at times, do I? I have been to therapy and I have been told that I do not. I have also been told by my psychologist to leave. Ugh. I don't know what to do!
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replied November 24th, 2012
Dating a Bipolar Man
I'm in the same situation. I love an older man who is all over the place when it comes to our relationship. It goes from being extremely intense to the point that it's too good to be true, then the next minute I can say or do something and we're over. Then, he'll forget about the "over" part and act like nothing ever happened. I can't trust him now. I don't know if our plans will ever pan out, or if he'll ditch me at the last minute, I don't know when I'm going to say something that will set him off, and then I don't know if it's "real" when he professes his love for me. It's such a vicous cycle and I can't get out of it! I don't want to leave him (he makes that very hard) but I don't want to live this way either. He won't stay on his meds. Most of the time he sais he's misdiagnosed and he's not bipolar, but he clearly is. We are going on seven years of this. Everyone thinks I'm "crazy" for staying, but they aren't in my shoes. I don't want to be judged but yes, I'm sure it looks like I'm a huge doormat. I too, am hurting. I hurt for him, I hurt for me because I'm allowing my life to be consumed by this, and I hurt for the fact that this isn't anyones fault. His mother had it, his sister has it, and so does he. I wonder at times, do I? I have been to therapy and I have been told that I do not. I have also been told by my psychologist to leave. Ugh. I don't know what to do!
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replied September 20th, 2007
I don't know if that's bipolar but I did something similar to a wonderful girl. I regret it alot but it was prior to me being medicated. I was manic when we started dating and took her out to these awesome dates where I spared no expense. When it switched to depression I started to become agitated at everything she said. Than I went psychotic and thought she was plotting against me after we broke up because she couldn't take my depression. After getting diagnosed I tried to repair at least the friendship but it was impossible after the emotional rollercoaster I had put her on. Also the mere act of talking to her would set me manic again....it was sad and when I think about what I did I'm extremely upset with myself but its part of the disease and there is no real way I could of controlled it prior to being medicated at least thats what my therapist says.

If I were you I'd move on. Remember the good times. It stinks but there will be someone else. He obviously doesn't have some parts of the disorder in check yet.
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replied December 14th, 2012
What would you say, Jake3463 to a person who is in a relationship with a person experiencing the same symptoms that you did , if the person who does not have the disorder was willing to be patient through it, with her boyfriend who has bipolar? Would you say don't even try ,just move on or what?
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replied September 26th, 2007
Experienced User
Info
Hi lamar...my husband (bipolar) broke up with me after we had dated for 10 mos. He said he couldn't deal w/ the stressful time I was going through (debts, money issues) & needed a break. It broke my heart. I took some time off & cried a lot.

A couple of months later, he went into the hospital. I visited a few times & he proposed to me in the PSYCH WARD! Yes, really. Even so, I accepted, with the condition that we see how things were going when he came out of the hospital.

A week later, I picked him up and we spent time together in his apartment. He was the same person that I'd known earlier in our relationship. I was able to clearly say that I knew I wanted to marry him and he was still interested. 2 years after we met, we were married. We have been married for 4 yrs now. While we've had our ups & downs and things aren't ever easy. My husband can't work so he is receiving SSI. That doesn't go a long way towards a household with just my paycheck. Thankfully, we aren't planning on kids. That would really be expensive!

Anyway, I thought I would share my experience as the spouse of a bipolar person. It is never easy and never fun during the down times, but knowing that I help keep my husband steady every day makes me feel good.

BYD
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replied April 17th, 2008
he walked out a few hours after proposing
My heart goes out to everyone on this forum whose lives have been affected by BPD. I thought I had finally found a man who was right for me. Our conversations were wonderful and right from the first meeting we connected. That connection quickly deepened and broadened and he told me he loved me. He said he had never had a love that passed from casual to serious so quickly and that he had very strong, very intense feelings for me. After that we couldn't see enough of each other. Before a month had passed in this intense affair my boyfriend had proposed marriage by phone. He came over a few hours later and picked a fight, went into a rage and walked out. Afterwards, the only time I was able to reach him by phone he was basically unresponsive. I couldn't reach him by email - he just left the emails unopened. I think about him all the time and feel like this affair left a deep sadness and a sense of helplessness in me. Apparently, there just wasn't anything I could do. In our last brief exchange he denied my help and said he didn't have bipolar disorder. My impression is that bipolars move rapidly to suck you in - they seem to know what you want to hear and how you want to be treated. I have concluded that the deep feelings they are able to stir in their partners are not really reciprocated by them. They are manipulators and their feelings can change rapidly after which they move on without looking back, without remorse. I don't think they can really love. HB
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replied April 18th, 2008
Experienced User
brokenhrt
I'm so sorry to hear that your experience with bipolar disorder has left you so upset. My husband was unaware of his diagnosis until about a year into our relationship & therefore, I can't blame his rejection of me on his knowledge of his illness. Perhaps some people with this disorder are hurtful and mean, but it's doubtful that all of the rejection is stemming from your ex-bf's bipolarism.

While it may seem easy to lump all people with this sickness into the "mean & can't love" file, it's not true. My husband would do almost anything for me & is fiercely protective of me if he feels someone is mistreating me. He is also not a jealous person & he's very loving with our dog. I hope that you are able to move past your hurt from your lost relationship and are able to move onto a healthy relationship with someone who makes you happy.

BYD
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replied April 18th, 2008
trying to be helpful or running scared?
Glad to hear that your life is going so well. Perhaps you could have some empathy for those of us who aren't doing so well and are not afraid to admit it - those who are on this forum because they have experienced the changeableness and hurtful behavior of the bipolar individual. It most certainly is true that many bipolars have difficulty sustaining intense feelings and mania is sometimes triggered by strong emotions - that's why forums like this exist. Perhaps my story hit a nerve with you because you aren't so sure of what your husband will do next or maybe you just need to do more research on the subject of love relationships and how they are impacted by biploar disorder. (Just read the email before mine on this subject) Hopefully your husband will continue to do "almost anything for you" but frankly your email is so brimming with defensiveness it makes one wonder if things are really so peachy in your biplolar land or if you are simply in denial. This forum does a lot for those who have been stung by those bipolars who act out in damaging ways and deeply hurt those who care for them. Those of us who thought we had a strong relationship that evaporated without discussion after an emotionally charged event will understand how painful the experience can be and how unhelpful emails brimming with self-righteous stories of how much better their life is than yours might better invest their energies elsewhere. I hope that you are able to move rapidly toward an understanding of the variety of experiences people have in relationships with people who are ill with bpd and I certainly hope your dog continues to flourish. HB
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replied April 18th, 2008
above message for BoneyardDiva
Lack of empathy is highlighted in above message for BYD who apparently needs to bone up on bpd relationships HB
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replied April 23rd, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
Changing one's mind mid stream or not finishing something you have started is classic.
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replied April 23rd, 2008
Experienced User
HB
Nope, I'm not "running scared" nor am I defensive. It's a pity you've experienced such trauma with those with bipolar disorder. I have dealt with some really difficult times with my husband and it appears that my attempt at offering hope has backfired.

Therefore, do as you will. I have no hope of trying to change your mind. Good luck to you. I will not respond to you again.
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replied April 24th, 2008
misguided
Look BYD, we all have our problems, that's a given and perhaps you thought you were "offering hope" as you say. But your email came across in a far different way than you imagine. You appeared to be gloating over the wonderful, perfect life you've worked out with a BPD husband while I was clearly hurting, and not only was your post not fully believable, it was obnoxious. I'm not the first person to get hurt by the irrational and sometimes callous behavior of a BPD/borderline individual and I'm moving on. The fact that it was deeply painful calls for an empathic response if any is offerred. Something like I can relate to the shock of thinking you were close to someone, on track to marry them and "boom"! they pick a fight, explode in rage and walk out never to look back again. Obviously that's not normal behavior and it can't be explained away as an interaction gone bad. When I began dating my ex-boyfriend I had no idea he had emotional problems of any great depth - he wasn't honest with me and he isn't being honest with himself. Now I realize that saying "I love you on the first date" might have been the first clue and that there were others that I just didn't want to see including pressured speech and obvious mood swings and irritability. The lesson I'm taking away is to stay alert, stay very alert when you're starting a new relationship - don't overlook unacceptable or irrational moments. I'm not suggesting that bipolar men and woman don't deserve love. But they aren't for everyone and they need to be responsible about their meds and honest about their condition when they initate a relationship. Hope you can continue to hang in their with your thought disordered partner and not let his mental illness adversely impact you. I know it's not always easy whether they treat the dog nicely or not. HB
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replied April 24th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
Crap, I was the BP wife and I could not make it through three marriages. Left my third husband at least 7 times in one year. Now that is manic! I would just freaking get in my car in California and come back to Florida or from Upper Mid West back to Florida just on a whem. He would come home from work and I would be already on I-10 on my way home.
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replied April 24th, 2008
telling it like it is!
CarolDiane, thanks for your honesty. Since I have loved a BP guy and lost I have come to believe the whole situation is a tragedy for everyone involved. I don't think I'm cut out to be the partner of anybody with BP following my last experience. Sometimes you have to tell it like it is and know your limitations. HB
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replied July 10th, 2008
Bipolar fiance'
I've been dating this wonderful professor for five months. By the third month he flew me down to his hometown in Ft. Lauderdale to meet his family where he ask me to marry him. I was estatic. When we got back home to Georgia he bough me a beautiful engagment ring. I called mother, family and friends and announced to them that I was engaged. He was a dream come true. A man with a phd. and a minister. I thought he was Heaven sent. The next month he started asking me to change the way I dress, change the type of music I listen to, change the type of friends I have (only couples), dont talk on the phone to my friends while he is present. He started critisizing me. I felt as if I had to perfect myself to please him. NO matter how I changed or tried, it just was not good enough. Then he started going into this isolation modes, where he would pick a fight over something simple, he accused me of being fake and phony, he accused of hiding something from him. Major paranoia. During his isolation modes, he would leave and I wouldn't hear from him for days.
During our engagement; we went out and put a down payment on a 1/2 million dollar house, he promised to pay my mortgage for me at my home. He made lots of false promises but didn't keep any of them. He has now told me that he no longer wants to marry me and now when I text and call he wont answer the phone. He has left my life shattered, broken and humiliated. I don't think he feels that he did anything wrong, I don't even know if he feels remorsful. I don't think he feels at all
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replied July 10th, 2008
Typical BP
Now you have to work on getting over it and try to recognize the signs so you never fall into the trap of too good to be true again. Unfortunately there isn't any shortcut to mending a brokenheart, however you have this much going for you: IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT - NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE WOULD HAVE MADE THINGS BETTER OR DIFFERENT. Begin forgetting him NOW. Don't contact him anymore - it will just make you feel worse and even more humiliated. Your whole life will be problematic to say the least if you try to have a relationship with this individual. He sounds like he is a mess and badly needs help. At the very least he has behaved like a scoundrel and you deserve better. Forget about what he is or isn't feeling. Think about recovering from this experience and moving on.
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replied July 11th, 2008
Crap
From what I have read so far it seems you are trying to make sense of a break-up with a man much older that lasted for a whooping 5 months that you were for sure was the man of your dreams only to have BP be the killer.

Personally I would think that it just wasn't meant to be and he was mature enough to know it even tho you weren't. It's easier to blame it on an illness than to accept the fact that the chemistry just wasn't there. I am not saying that the two of you in the future might get back together...but for now just accept that it is no ones fault and move on.

A bp in crisis is a hard pill for anyone to swallow but that is usually a small fraction of our lives. We can make for great partners and lovers and are very committed to the people around us. Diva tried to offer some insight and you were just to quick to dismiss her as it didn't play into your victim role of being dumped.

Hopefully the man of your dreams will come along...but until then, enjoy life and what it has to offer.
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replied July 21st, 2012
If you make such wonderful partners why is it that almost every marriage involving BP's end in divorce! No one is trying to play victim here. Bipolars have been known to cause havoc in relationships with a narcissistic point of view. You probably don't even realize how much you are hurting peoople who have tried patiently to be there for you!
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replied August 18th, 2009
is my bf bipolar or not?
Reading these forums have helped alot and ive realised for once that i am not the only person going through this!

I have been with my boyfreind for nearly 2 years. The past 6 months he has broken up with me many times after getting furious at me for little or no reason at all. He always apologises a few hours later and asks if i will take him back. Each time he tells me hes deeply sorry and that he doesnt know why he got so mad..He also says that this time he knows he wants to be with me for good and promises that he wont break up with me out of the blue again. When he gets angry its always MY fault..but i have done nothing wrong. He abuses me verbally not physically but sometimes i get scared that he might just go that further. I know that when hes angry he doesnt mean what he says but its taking a toll on me emotionally..I use to yell back at him but ive realised it just makes him worse so i just walk away..even though that makes him very angry too..but i dont know what else to do. After his "tantrum" he gets very emotional and cries..This is probably when he realises what he has done. We have talked about his problem and he says he knows himself that hes not "right" mentally but when i tell him that he should get help (in a nice supportive way) he says i cant be bothered. When he broke up with me last he said after he calmed down he told me that mentally he cant handle having a gf..I agree with him and have tried to break up with him but he always comes begging back for me and says things which make me worry about him if i dont take him back. His moods are forever changing and i just dont understand. is he saying hes depressed to get attention? or does he really have a problem? HIs family environment isnt very well either. zhis parents fight alot and when they do he always tells me that his dad broke his mums phone vice versa...i come from a normal family so its hard for me to understand his. He yells and treats his parents the same as he treats me when hes angry but when he not in those moods he is the most loving person in the world. Im not just saying that to make myself feel better. Underneath all of his problems i see the good person in him i just want to know how i can help him.
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replied October 9th, 2009
Bipolar
In these situations-GET AWAY! You are not crazy, you are not imagining it, you are not at fault. It is this person's faulty brain chemistry and they can't help themselves. But, this does not mean someone else has to deal with it! It is NOT your responsibility at all! Take it from someone who went through a lengthy relationship with a bipolar male-they just can't help but hurt you. Just get out while you still have some emotional stability yourself. They need professional mental health services and heavy-duty medications and unless you are a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist, you can't do much to help them.

You may think you love them, or they love you, but you're not even dealing with a whole person. It sounds harsh, but it's true. Trust me. They will say anything to get you to come back, after they turn your world upside down. I allowed this to happen to me for longer than I care to admit. He admitted being "sick", was trying to get better, borrowed a large sum of money from me, lost 2 jobs, quit school, cheated on me multiple times, surfed porn all day long, physically intimidated me etc. Today, I don't know what I was thinking to have stayed with him for over a year. I wanted to believe his promises--none of which came to fruition. I eventually had to cut off all contact with him. He still owes me the money he borrowed, which I'll never see, and this relationship threw me for an emotional loop. I am so glad I cut it off for good. I finally realized-this man is NOT my child, I am NOT his mother, he is NOT my problem, and taking care of him is NOT my job. This does not mean I am a cold, heartless person. I did fall in love with him, but once the abuse started, I began to dislike myself, which was NOT okay. It simply means that I have enough self respect to let him go. He was in no way taking any responsibility for himself, his actions, his wellness. Too many people (mostly women) stay in negative, non-improving situations thinking they'll change. Well, they only change if BOTH people want them too. Save yourself the heartache and pain, and get out early. Warning signs are moving too fast, saying "i love you" within first few dates, extravagance beyond means, hypersexuality, non-stop chatter, unable to sleep. Trust me, there is NOTHING you can do to "change" the bipolar behavior...only therapy and meds can attempt to. Apologize for the length of this, but want to prevent others from getting hurt or trying to get blood from a stone.
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replied November 11th, 2009
my boyfriend was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and i am only sixteen. it seems to me like he's having another episode. three days ago, everything was fine. then he suddenly blamed me for not trusting him or being open enough with him, yet instead of talking to me about it, he got mad and gave me the silent treatment! it's making me feel like crap. there's really nothing i can do to get through to him at this point, and it SO FRUSTRATING. last time he had an episode he was off his meds,and everything seemed to go back to normal once he'd gone back on them but this time he says he's still on them so i don't know if i can blame his behaviour on that. i'm wondering if the mood swings and bipolar behaviour are still common even for someone who is being medicated? i'm so young and i just don't know what to do.
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replied June 13th, 2010
bipolar breakup
I stuck with my boyfriend for the last year--recently through 3 psych ward stays in 2 months. I thought it was his new meds causing all the anger. In the last 2 weeks he proposed to and cried and said he loved me & that I saved his life. Then he cut off my phone calls. Then he said he was madly in love. When I picked up him from the last psych ward we had a great 8 hours and then he started yelling at me that he had quit smoking and that I should also quit. Maybe so, but no warning was given to me and I need time to quit. He started grabbing his stuff and blaming all his problems on my smoking. Very abusive. I finally had it with the lies and yelling. I just yelled,"OUT!" and I shoved him out the door.

The psych ward convinced him that I am a bad influence because I smoke cigarettes. Maybe so, but now he can be smoke free and live under a bridge.

Stopping smoking is difficult. It was very unfair of the psych "professionals" and this jerk to set me up like this.
I honestly tried to care about this person for over a year and, in all fairness to me, the smoking issue should have been discussed before he came back to my house. I even went outside to smoke, once he started making it an issue. I was trying my best. He was looking for an excuse to leave. How about just be honest? How about accepting some blame for his life? Why don't psych professionals redirect these lame excuses back on people who need help? When I went to visit him in the hospital, I was disrespected and called "lewd" by a psych aid for hugging him goodbye. sheesh. get a grip lady. She started yelling, "hypersexual" Great place to get help. BTW Smoking and sex are legal. Morons. Set some priorities for your mental health issues. The man is a backstabber.

I wish him the best with his damaged brain and con artist personality. What is upsetting is the psych professional who would preach this no smoking and sex is bad moral crap and turn people against people who care about them.
The worst thing is I know he will come back and be sorry, probably smoking a cigarette.
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