Bipolar Disorder Forum - Bipolar Boyfriend Changing His Mind ! typical for bipolar ?


Bipolar Boyfriend Changing His Mind ! typical for bipolar ?

Medical Questions-> Health Forums -> Bipolar Disorder -> Bipolar Boyfriend Changing His Mind ! typical for bipolar ?

Medical Questions

Author

Message

lamartine

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 13 Jan 2006
Posts: 31
Location: Washington, D.C.

Bipolar Boyfriend Changing His Mind ! typical for bipolar ? Posted: 09-18-07 14:15pm


I have been dating a wonderful older man for five months. He is bipolar, but it seemed that it didn't effect us for the most part. The relationship progressed very fast. We spent the month of August together in Europe, and he tells me every day that he loves me. He even bought me a pre-engagament ring. For two months, he has been talking about engagement non-stop, and last weekend, he threw me an enormous birthday party. He is also affectionate. Last week, his landscaper made a big mistake in his yeard, and it threw him into this depression. The next night, as we were driving to dinner for him to meet my parents for the first time, he told me he needed a break from me. I cried (I couldn't believe that he would do that with my family here when I only see them twice a year). He said nevermind, we would work it out. The next night, he made me call my parents, who had left, and tell them everything was okay. Later that night, as we were driving to an event, he again said he wanted to break up. He said I should get over it, people break up all the time, and he is impulsive. Again, later that night, he said everything was okay. This went on for tewo more nights: we would make up, have wonderufl days together, and he would do it again. Finally, yesterday, he said he wanted to break up because nothing made me any different than the other women he hadn't married. Later that night he took me to dinner with his parents. This morning he said we have to make a decision about this tonight, once and for all. I am SO confused and depressed. I bought into it all, and I thought I had found the person I was going to marry. I rely on him now for support, and I love him. How does a man change his mind and go back and forth so wuickly like this? is this typical of bipolar? I need help. I am hurting so much.

lamartine

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 13 Jan 2006
Posts: 31
Location: Washington, D.C.

Posted: 09-19-07 08:21am


anyone?

Jake3463

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 19 Aug 2007
Posts: 28
Location: Allentown

Posted: 09-20-07 08:15am


I don't know if that's bipolar but I did something similar to a wonderful girl. I regret it alot but it was prior to me being medicated. I was manic when we started dating and took her out to these awesome dates where I spared no expense. When it switched to depression I started to become agitated at everything she said. Than I went psychotic and thought she was plotting against me after we broke up because she couldn't take my depression. After getting diagnosed I tried to repair at least the friendship but it was impossible after the emotional rollercoaster I had put her on. Also the mere act of talking to her would set me manic again....it was sad and when I think about what I did I'm extremely upset with myself but its part of the disease and there is no real way I could of controlled it prior to being medicated at least thats what my therapist says. If I were you I'd move on. Remember the good times. It stinks but there will be someone else. He obviously doesn't have some parts of the disorder in check yet.

BoneyardDiva

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Joined: 26 Sep 2007
Posts: 72
Location: Nunya, USA

Info Posted: 09-26-07 19:29pm


Hi lamar...my husband (bipolar) broke up with me after we had dated for 10 mos. He said he couldn't deal w/ the stressful time I was going through (debts, money issues) & needed a break. It broke my heart. I took some time off & cried a lot. A couple of months later, he went into the hospital. I visited a few times & he proposed to me in the PSYCH WARD! Yes, really. Even so, I accepted, with the condition that we see how things were going when he came out of the hospital. A week later, I picked him up and we spent time together in his apartment. He was the same person that I'd known earlier in our relationship. I was able to clearly say that I knew I wanted to marry him and he was still interested. 2 years after we met, we were married. We have been married for 4 yrs now. While we've had our ups & downs and things aren't ever easy. My husband can't work so he is receiving SSI. That doesn't go a long way towards a household with just my paycheck. Thankfully, we aren't planning on kids. That would really be expensive! Anyway, I thought I would share my experience as the spouse of a bipolar person. It is never easy and never fun during the down times, but knowing that I help keep my husband steady every day makes me feel good. BYD

brokenhrt

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 17 Apr 2008
Posts: 6

he walked out a few hours after proposing Posted: 04-17-08 18:23pm


My heart goes out to everyone on this forum whose lives have been affected by BPD. I thought I had finally found a man who was right for me. Our conversations were wonderful and right from the first meeting we connected. That connection quickly deepened and broadened and he told me he loved me. He said he had never had a love that passed from casual to serious so quickly and that he had very strong, very intense feelings for me. After that we couldn't see enough of each other. Before a month had passed in this intense affair my boyfriend had proposed marriage by phone. He came over a few hours later and picked a fight, went into a rage and walked out. Afterwards, the only time I was able to reach him by phone he was basically unresponsive. I couldn't reach him by email - he just left the emails unopened. I think about him all the time and feel like this affair left a deep sadness and a sense of helplessness in me. Apparently, there just wasn't anything I could do. In our last brief exchange he denied my help and said he didn't have bipolar disorder. My impression is that bipolars move rapidly to suck you in - they seem to know what you want to hear and how you want to be treated. I have concluded that the deep feelings they are able to stir in their partners are not really reciprocated by them. They are manipulators and their feelings can change rapidly after which they move on without looking back, without remorse. I don't think they can really love. HB

BoneyardDiva

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Joined: 26 Sep 2007
Posts: 72
Location: Nunya, USA

brokenhrt Posted: 04-18-08 11:01am


I'm so sorry to hear that your experience with bipolar disorder has left you so upset. My husband was unaware of his diagnosis until about a year into our relationship & therefore, I can't blame his rejection of me on his knowledge of his illness. Perhaps some people with this disorder are hurtful and mean, but it's doubtful that all of the rejection is stemming from your ex-bf's bipolarism. While it may seem easy to lump all people with this sickness into the "mean & can't love" file, it's not true. My husband would do almost anything for me & is fiercely protective of me if he feels someone is mistreating me. He is also not a jealous person & he's very loving with our dog. I hope that you are able to move past your hurt from your lost relationship and are able to move onto a healthy relationship with someone who makes you happy. BYD

brokenhrt

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 17 Apr 2008
Posts: 6

trying to be helpful or running scared? Posted: 04-18-08 12:17pm


Glad to hear that your life is going so well. Perhaps you could have some empathy for those of us who aren't doing so well and are not afraid to admit it - those who are on this forum because they have experienced the changeableness and hurtful behavior of the bipolar individual. It most certainly is true that many bipolars have difficulty sustaining intense feelings and mania is sometimes triggered by strong emotions - that's why forums like this exist. Perhaps my story hit a nerve with you because you aren't so sure of what your husband will do next or maybe you just need to do more research on the subject of love relationships and how they are impacted by biploar disorder. (Just read the email before mine on this subject) Hopefully your husband will continue to do "almost anything for you" but frankly your email is so brimming with defensiveness it makes one wonder if things are really so peachy in your biplolar land or if you are simply in denial. This forum does a lot for those who have been stung by those bipolars who act out in damaging ways and deeply hurt those who care for them. Those of us who thought we had a strong relationship that evaporated without discussion after an emotionally charged event will understand how painful the experience can be and how unhelpful emails brimming with self-righteous stories of how much better their life is than yours might better invest their energies elsewhere. I hope that you are able to move rapidly toward an understanding of the variety of experiences people have in relationships with people who are ill with bpd and I certainly hope your dog continues to flourish. HB

brokenhrt

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 17 Apr 2008
Posts: 6

above message for BoneyardDiva Posted: 04-18-08 12:22pm


Lack of empathy is highlighted in above message for BYD who apparently needs to bone up on bpd relationships HB

CarolDiane

Moderator

Joined: 23 Sep 2007
Posts: 2218
Location: Finally a picture to a name,

Thanks: 87

Thanked:121

Posted: 04-23-08 14:36pm


Changing one's mind mid stream or not finishing something you have started is classic.

BoneyardDiva

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Joined: 26 Sep 2007
Posts: 72
Location: Nunya, USA

HB Posted: 04-23-08 21:16pm


Nope, I'm not "running scared" nor am I defensive. It's a pity you've experienced such trauma with those with bipolar disorder. I have dealt with some really difficult times with my husband and it appears that my attempt at offering hope has backfired. Therefore, do as you will. I have no hope of trying to change your mind. Good luck to you. I will not respond to you again.

brokenhrt

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 17 Apr 2008
Posts: 6

misguided Posted: 04-24-08 08:58am


Look BYD, we all have our problems, that's a given and perhaps you thought you were "offering hope" as you say. But your email came across in a far different way than you imagine. You appeared to be gloating over the wonderful, perfect life you've worked out with a BPD husband while I was clearly hurting, and not only was your post not fully believable, it was obnoxious. I'm not the first person to get hurt by the irrational and sometimes callous behavior of a BPD/borderline individual and I'm moving on. The fact that it was deeply painful calls for an empathic response if any is offerred. Something like I can relate to the shock of thinking you were close to someone, on track to marry them and "boom"! they pick a fight, explode in rage and walk out never to look back again. Obviously that's not normal behavior and it can't be explained away as an interaction gone bad. When I began dating my ex-boyfriend I had no idea he had emotional problems of any great depth - he wasn't honest with me and he isn't being honest with himself. Now I realize that saying "I love you on the first date" might have been the first clue and that there were others that I just didn't want to see including pressured speech and obvious mood swings and irritability. The lesson I'm taking away is to stay alert, stay very alert when you're starting a new relationship - don't overlook unacceptable or irrational moments. I'm not suggesting that bipolar men and woman don't deserve love. But they aren't for everyone and they need to be responsible about their meds and honest about their condition when they initate a relationship. Hope you can continue to hang in their with your thought disordered partner and not let his mental illness adversely impact you. I know it's not always easy whether they treat the dog nicely or not. HB

CarolDiane

Moderator

Joined: 23 Sep 2007
Posts: 2218
Location: Finally a picture to a name,

Thanks: 87

Thanked:121

Posted: 04-24-08 09:16am


Crap, I was the BP wife and I could not make it through three marriages. Left my third husband at least 7 times in one year. Now that is manic! I would just freaking get in my car in California and come back to Florida or from Upper Mid West back to Florida just on a whem. He would come home from work and I would be already on I-10 on my way home.

brokenhrt

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 17 Apr 2008
Posts: 6

telling it like it is! Posted: 04-24-08 09:28am


CarolDiane, thanks for your honesty. Since I have loved a BP guy and lost I have come to believe the whole situation is a tragedy for everyone involved. I don't think I'm cut out to be the partner of anybody with BP following my last experience. Sometimes you have to tell it like it is and know your limitations. HB

brinebo

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 10 Jul 2008
Posts: 1

Bipolar fiance' Posted: 07-10-08 13:05pm


I've been dating this wonderful professor for five months. By the third month he flew me down to his hometown in Ft. Lauderdale to meet his family where he ask me to marry him. I was estatic. When we got back home to Georgia he bough me a beautiful engagment ring. I called mother, family and friends and announced to them that I was engaged. He was a dream come true. A man with a phd. and a minister. I thought he was Heaven sent. The next month he started asking me to change the way I dress, change the type of music I listen to, change the type of friends I have (only couples), dont talk on the phone to my friends while he is present. He started critisizing me. I felt as if I had to perfect myself to please him. NO matter how I changed or tried, it just was not good enough. Then he started going into this isolation modes, where he would pick a fight over something simple, he accused me of being fake and phony, he accused of hiding something from him. Major paranoia. During his isolation modes, he would leave and I wouldn't hear from him for days. During our engagement; we went out and put a down payment on a 1/2 million dollar house, he promised to pay my mortgage for me at my home. He made lots of false promises but didn't keep any of them. He has now told me that he no longer wants to marry me and now when I text and call he wont answer the phone. He has left my life shattered, broken and humiliated. I don't think he feels that he did anything wrong, I don't even know if he feels remorsful. I don't think he feels at all

brokenhrt

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 17 Apr 2008
Posts: 6

Typical BP Posted: 07-10-08 14:51pm


Now you have to work on getting over it and try to recognize the signs so you never fall into the trap of too good to be true again. Unfortunately there isn't any shortcut to mending a brokenheart, however you have this much going for you: IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT - NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE WOULD HAVE MADE THINGS BETTER OR DIFFERENT. Begin forgetting him NOW. Don't contact him anymore - it will just make you feel worse and even more humiliated. Your whole life will be problematic to say the least if you try to have a relationship with this individual. He sounds like he is a mess and badly needs help. At the very least he has behaved like a scoundrel and you deserve better. Forget about what he is or isn't feeling. Think about recovering from this experience and moving on.

rock_digger

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 20 Jun 2008
Posts: 26
Location: , USA

Thanks: 2

Thanked:0

Crap Posted: 07-11-08 04:55am


From what I have read so far it seems you are trying to make sense of a break-up with a man much older that lasted for a whooping 5 months that you were for sure was the man of your dreams only to have BP be the killer. Personally I would think that it just wasn't meant to be and he was mature enough to know it even tho you weren't. It's easier to blame it on an illness than to accept the fact that the chemistry just wasn't there. I am not saying that the two of you in the future might get back together...but for now just accept that it is no ones fault and move on. A bp in crisis is a hard pill for anyone to swallow but that is usually a small fraction of our lives. We can make for great partners and lovers and are very committed to the people around us. Diva tried to offer some insight and you were just to quick to dismiss her as it didn't play into your victim role of being dumped. Hopefully the man of your dreams will come along...but until then, enjoy life and what it has to offer.