Depression Forum - Depression: I Feel Ugly, Alone, And What I Want I Can't Have

Juan Toobie Healthy

replied on September 15th, 2007

New User

My suggestion would be to try not to get sucked into the virtual world. Get out more. Get involved in things that interest you. Be more outgoing. If you are shy, most people will shy away from you. Another suggestion is to be more confident in yourself. Self-confidence is hard to just develope overnight, but it is achievable. You say that you're a good person. That's a strength. Everybody has their own qualities that make them special. Search yourself and find what's special in you. Use these things to validate your self worth. This will help boost your confidence. Also, like I did at one time, you can fake it. You walk into a room with your chest out, head up, and a smile on your face. Make small talk with strangers. Go talk to the goth girl across the room that you'd normally just admire from afar. Whatever you do, don't put yourself down. You may have to force yourself to do all this at first, but it will pay off. People see you as you portray yourself. They feed off your energy. You may still be insecure on the inside, but if you act like you have confidence people will see you more attractively. After a while you'll get your self-esteem up and it'll all come natural to you. Trust me, I don't have a psyche degree, I don't write books on the subject, and I don't claim to be any kind of expert. I'm just a guy who was in your shoes and I found a way to snap out of the rut I was in. I figured all this out as a fluke, but it really worked!

One more suggestion... Study women. Find out what makes them tick. Learn what their turn-ons are. Figure out what drives them and try to understand them. Be attentive to their wants and needs. You can probably get a lot of information from members on this site. Go to the dating forum on here and ask questions. Also watch how other guys interact with women and see what works and what doesn't. Listen to womens' conversations to each other and take mental notes. Understanding women and being attentive to their wants and needs will get you everywhere.

Good luck asleep_by_dawn!

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flip

replied on September 15th, 2007

New User

Re: I Feel Ugly, Alone, And What I Want I Can't Have

asleep_by_dawn wrote:

I don't know why I came to this forum, but I am tired of living alone with this in my heart... I just feel ugly. Sometimes I don't, but other times I just really do. Asking my mom doesn't help much, she's never going to tell me the truth. I guess it's hard for me to judge myself too since every time I feel I look "okay" about myself and see I am in decent shape but then I get a picture taken or mess with my webcam and I get deeply depressed about my looks. The worst part which will seem trival to some people here is I am so deeply, darkly in love with gothic women. I am super infatuated with that look and their interests. When I was little I liked women like that. It's just something that's never left me and I am in my late 20's now. Those girls all want super hot guys or something I think. I have tried SO hard to find one to date and I am always turned down or away and my interests and heart, and how I see things is always the same as these girls until we meet and they end up not liking me. Sometimes I feel that not liking myself is projecting a bad vibe, and other times I feel that whole method of thinking is stupid, and people write lame inspirational books and movies like the Secret just to rip people off and give them hope. Still I've been trying to discover the truth about myself so now I'm here on this forum.

I just don't know what to do. I cry so much and my desires as I mentioned only make it worse. I don't want to be alone. I don't know how to meet people. I used to be really out-going than that part of me just died. I used to love to drive too, but then I witnessed a VERY BAD accident that just traumatized me to death and driving has become a total turn off. Am I wrong to feel this way? I will be alone forever at this rate and it's so painful I just wish I would die in my sleep or something. I won't commit suicide because it would hurt my mother but it's so hard to just make it through the day lately. I've started playing games online more and I found some stupid virtual sort of world game but I don't know, feels wrong to me. I just hoped the type of girl I like would fall in love with me, and see me for the beautiful person I am inside. I totally love who I am inside, just not out. It's not the true me. I hate it so much that I am not the guy I want to be.

I've taken all kinds of drugs from doctors for this depression but they NEVER help. I think it's because my views are justified and not just all in my head, thus the drugs aren't affecting anything... and would I want them to? I want to feel good about myself through natural means, not drugs.

I really don't know what else to say. I just got tired of searching the net for some hope , and I've been doing it for almost 9 months now and finally I decided to post on a public forum, so you all can laugh. I am even holding back on how much I truly hate myself. I wish i could be honest in words as I am in my mind about how I feel. My heart breaks every time I see a goth girl with some jerk who just treats the wrong and does not appreciate them like I would. I just don't see myself ever finding anyone and even if I do see someone, because I FEAR driving on top of being ugly and being a starving artist type, I don't think I will ever meet anyone. My mother will die someday, the only family I have, and I will be completely alone.

so sad.....your life story... is this true or should i say is that true???

you know what? all you think are purely your imagination...

take this advice..."everyone of us has their soulmate" so meaning to say you have one...dont worry to much...ur a guy not a girl so dont worry to much...

me i am in my late 20's and i am a girl and also i am not that beautiful but not that so ugly....i dont think it too much coz i believe that i will find my soulmate...

i think looks is matter but honestly there is someone out there who'll see the truth inside of you..the real you...not the physical appearance you have..just maintain your real attitude as long as your good person in heart i am sure you will find your partner in life...

goodluck and wish you all the best in the world..

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asleep_by_dawn

replied on September 15th, 2007

New User

Well actually I used to go out all the time. I just got tired of people occasionally making a rude comment about me. I know women well just when it comes to dating I don't seem to be attractive enough or something. I've has people say some rude things to me and I didn't think I was all that horrible but total strangers have said the same rude comments so I am starting to believe it. It's hard to go out when you don't want to drive. I stated my reasons and until I get over that IF i do.. who knows. The status quo doesn't impress me as most do drive. To me the day I saw that accident I saw that driving was the wrong thing for me. No one on this planet can say it's the "best" method of travel it's just what's there. It's killing the planet anyway.

Aside from that, you know i just get so depressed about not having what I want so bad. I am so tired of dreaming about it, so tired of seeing other people have it and hating to even look in the mirror at myself I've never had problems approaching girls it's just the kind I like are hard to find. The others turn me on about as much as a bullet in the head. I have liked what I liked all my life it is in my heart and very soul. It's just so depressing as the years go by and time disappears and I am still not with her.

I keep using positive thinking and I'm a good person too. Yet I will go out, be in a store and sometimes someone will say something rude about me. Or girls just don't look at me as much as other guys, and those guys they look at hate the kind of girl they are, and I love it with all my heart.

I really don't know what the deal is with me anymore. I feel lost and I don't know who I am. I feel trapped in a body that isn't even who I want to be. I'm so beautiful inside and I'm unsure outside, i just feel something isn't right by the comments people have made and the fact I am alone. I guess I should have clarified I had dated a lot before. Then for 4 years it stopped. Asking girls out failed and the comments about my looks etc. I really do take care of myself too. I don't know what the hell is wrong Rolling Eyes

I just feel like there's this screaming in my head and my hearts aching so bad and i hate waking up. Once my mom is gone which I don't even want to think about, I have nothing tying me to being here anymore. I dont' want to be one of those lonely people working some lame dead end job, being told what to do by some stranger. It's not how I operate. I think I could get by with my art, but when I face a mirror and feel like dying or see a female I'd love to be with and can't be, I don't know to me love and creation are the most important things. I have no love and that hurts my creativity. I guess no one is getting what I was saying in my initial post. I appreciate the replies though and maybe I am just so upset I can't really write how I feel inside. It's hard to be good with words, when you don't talk to anyone at all or have any desire to go out because it's depressing just to see other couples together. Sad

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Juan Toobie Healthy

replied on September 15th, 2007

New User

I'm surprised you're having a hard time finding artistic inspiration. Depression is a strong emotion. Most of the world's greatest artists were depressed. Expressing yourself through your art would probably be theraputic too.

I didn't know that you had an active dating life in the past. Why did it just stop? You're still the same person. If you don't mind me asking, (keep in mind that you're totally anonomus here) what kind of comments are people making about you?

I understand the phobia of driving. Many people have phobias, mine was heights. The only way to overcome your fears is by facing them. That is extremely difficult, but can be done in baby steps. It sounds to me like you feel like you don't fit in with everyone else. Maybe that's your attraction to goth's? My feeling is that you face a fear of rejection that's just as strong as your fear of driving.

Like I said before, I'm no expert. I'm not claiming I know everything and I'm not going to push anything on you. You have to push yourself to go outside your comfort zone. I offer suggestions by what worked for me. I wanted to make things better and I did. If you don't want to help yourself, no one else can help you.

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asleep_by_dawn

replied on September 15th, 2007

New User

I really work bad (in terms of art) when I am depressed. I know a lot of artists have drawn on their negative feelings to create "masterpieces" but that never worked for me. Depression just closes me off.

As for way I stopped... well I was with someone for a long time, and I just was lucky I found them. They really helped bring me out of my shell, so to speak. When I lost them, I was working a corporate job I no longer have (thankfully) and work and the years going by alone (it was a lot of work) just sort of put me out of connection with people. I mean I did see the occasional girl I liked, and I tried so very hard to make a connection but it failed. They never seemed interested in me on top of some negative comments back that I didn't even deserve. I always had thought of myself as fairly charming but I guess some people don't see it.

As for driving like I said I view it as wrong (now) as vegetarians view eating meat. It's just to me the wrong method and I believe someday something better will be created. Environmentally speaking driving isn't good at all.

I know the comments like, "comfort zone" and such, but it's not that. I am just who I am. If i were to get into who I am, you'd probably give me some doctor phil advise. Personally I hate the guy. I'm not saying I hate you just most advice people give is for the normal, and normal as we all know is majority rules. I am tired of people looking at how I am as not the norm because it's different than the mainstream. I really am happy with my choices I can control and I want a woman like that too. That and the ugly stuff is TWO different things.

People have said negative things to me, strangers, people I meet etc. Everytime I mess with my webcam or get a picture taken it floors me and I am depressed so damn deeply. I can understand as an artist the difference between taking bad photos and being unattractive. There's structures there you come to recognize as attractive or not. I just don't know if my mind is clouded or what.

I've seen therapists and I've gone out of my "comfort zone" so many times and it results in either nothing happening at all or complete let-downs that push me deeper into my depression, and realization of my worst fears that maybe I just am a zero. I know looks aren't everything but I have a right to say what I am saying and I have a right to feel it.

I'm tired of being alone, hating myself, not being with the type of person I want to be with and pretty much seems like no matter where I go everyone gives me the same answers that don't help me. Not everyone is the same you know? The same methods don't always work. Most people can't think outside the box I suppose so they cling to these decaying beliefs. I am not here to argue points, I just wanted to see if someone could help. I am open to searching anywhere for answers and help. I've traveled a long path for many years. Each road always coming to a dead end. I'm desperate at this point and would do just about anything to have what I want, no matter that price... if someone offered me my dreams.

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Enlightened Uselessness

replied on September 15th, 2007

Experienced User

Goths being taken by hot guys? Shocked

Damn, our environments are different.

Okay, so sorry to sound like a friend in this advice but, yeah, you need a car if you want to date. Give up the hippie crap, because you alone not driving your car isn't going to do ANYTHING for the environment. Oil is going to run out before cars do any serious damage. So get over your phobia and environmentalist philosophy and buy a damn car. If you feel so bad then buy a hybrid and join an environmentalist organization or something.

Second, how are you different from mainstream? I'd strongly suggest to look mainstream. This will probably help. Go norm.

Third, how exactly are your thoughts on your unattractiveness? Body weight, skin, hair, etc.? You can usually do a few tricks that will drastically help your appearance.

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asleep_by_dawn

replied on September 16th, 2007

New User

That isn't a hippy remark. If you saw someone's body cut in half by a door it would medical question you up too. That is what I saw. It was the most horrifying thing i ever saw. It looks nothing like gore in movies. I didn't ask for opinions on driving and I LIKE who I am on the inside. As for the outside Ijust don't like how I look and people have said comments before about the things I dislike. My body is fine itself, my hair is good just I never like the style but hair isn't my worry.

If I have a trauma about something saying "get over it" isn't helping me at all. It really bothers me and you are you and I am me. I've tried to work through it. After seeing that I actually suffered from severe anxiety and death issues. If I even get behind a wheel I panic and lose control. Not a wise thing to do!!!

My problems are pretty severe and I'm happy I didn't describe them in full since someone with the name uselessness is reading. Seriously, if I drive again it'll be when I'm ready. I don't know why the guy always has to drive anyway. That's not the problem since I never get past step one of just meeting someone I would like to get to know. As for mainstream I meant mainstream methods of dealing with things. They don't work for everyone. I'm not a damn robot. Thanks for the wasted reply. If I had the to guts to say what I really felt but can't in fear they will hand over my IP address to the police and I'll get arrested for threatening to do something to myself I would. I have not stated I ever would. I am really DOWN about things and your reply was not what I needed.

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Enlightened Uselessness

replied on September 16th, 2007

Experienced User

asleep_by_dawn wrote:

That isn't a hippy remark. If you saw someone's body cut in half by a door it would whoops you up too. That is what I saw. It was the most horrifying thing i ever saw. It looks nothing like gore in movies. I didn't ask for opinions on driving and I LIKE who I am on the inside. As for the outside Ijust don't like how I look and people have said comments before about the things I dislike. My body is fine itself, my hair is good just I never like the style but hair isn't my worry.

If I have a trauma about something saying "get over it" isn't helping me at all. It really bothers me and you are you and I am me. I've tried to work through it. After seeing that I actually suffered from severe anxiety and death issues. If I even get behind a wheel I panic and lose control. Not a wise thing to do!!!

My problems are pretty severe and I'm happy I didn't describe them in full since someone with the name uselessness is reading. Seriously, if I drive again it'll be when I'm ready. I don't know why the guy always has to drive anyway. That's not the problem since I never get past step one of just meeting someone I would like to get to know. As for mainstream I meant mainstream methods of dealing with things. They don't work for everyone. I'm not a bless robot. Thanks for the wasted reply. If I had the to guts to say what I really felt but can't in fear they will hand over my IP address to the police and I'll get arrested for threatening to do something to myself I would. I have not stated I ever would. I am really DOWN about things and your reply was not what I needed.

Oh, sorry for the misunderstanding. I thought I derived from your posts that the MAIN reason you don't drive is because of the environment. I'm sorry to hear about what you saw. I'm sure that would traumatize anyone. All I'm trying to say is not having a car would be a huge disadvantage in the dating world. I'm very sorry for sounding rude/arrogant in that post. Get in a car whenever you feel ready.
So, what exactly makes you ugly to yourself? Is it anything you can fix?
The name "uselessness" comes from my role in sexual selection. Quick science lesson: natural selection is a way to weed out deformed or otherwise naturally weak organisms from the gene pool (because they'll not be able to survive in the wild because they'll either starve or be killed). It's basically survival of the fittest. Now, because humans have been able to get past natural selection, sexual selection is very much more highlightened. Sexual selection is how organisms choose who to mate with. Because of natural selection doesn't take place in people, ugly people aren't supposed to pass their genes even if they are genetically superior in some other way. So, instead of being killed, ugly people will just die without ever having offspring. That's me. So, the main population is supposed to have sex and have children and I'm just supposed to live out my life and die. I am uselessness in nature.

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asleep_by_dawn

replied on September 16th, 2007

New User

Like I said people just have made bad comments before. Let me ask you this or anyone here, and maybe you will or just won't agree, but ever feel like you are okay looking then one day you wake up and you just hate how you look? Or you accept you're "average" or something and not ugly really, so you are going about your life and then some ass comes up to you or someone you know says your ugly or unattractive? I'm serious one person came up to me and just totally put me down. I remember telling a friend and they said they probably just were feeling bad about themselves but that just seems unlikely. You don't just go up to someone in a retail store and say "hey you're ugly" "haha" basically. I curse that jerk that did that. Thing is girls I go up to end up saying something about my looks or not attracted. I know this is common I mean if some non gothic "hot" celebrity came up to me I'd say I'm not attracted to them, but I mean it gets depressing when I hear it so often. I am SO tired of being alone and sitting here alone wasting years of my life. I go to doctors, i talk to my mother, I try talking to anyone who will listen and they just give me the same stupid advice that I've acted on before and ended up being shot down being called names or it just not working for me.

I don't know what to do anymore. I am SO sad and I sleep so much. My mind is like a drug addict hung up on these certain types of girls, since I was a kid. It's never going to leave me. I guess to me any girl not like the ones I described is about as attractive to me as another guy. Weird maybe but that is how I am and I am really happy with the kind of girls I like. Besides for fun I've tried dating "normal" girls, but they gave me the same problems. I got lucky 4 times in my life and dated pretty, intelligent and kind women but it's been so long since the last one... I think 4 years. I tried dating since, probably over 500 people, and I always get shot down. I always go up to people I am interested in, I always try to make a connection but nothing works. I'm not trying hard either, I'm pretty casual about it. I really don't know how to word how LOST I feel inside about everything. I won't kill myself but I sure wish I was dead. There's no point to living. I saw the last Star Wars.. I mean I Am Legend is coming up, love that book. After holding out for that, what point is there? That isn't a joke either. Maybe I use movies or events as excuses to hold on a little longer and not kill myself. I really don't know.

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Enlightened Uselessness

replied on September 16th, 2007

Experienced User

asleep_by_dawn wrote:

Like I said people just have made bad comments before. Let me ask you this or anyone here, and maybe you will or just won't agree, but ever feel like you are okay looking then one day you wake up and you just hate how you look? Or you accept you're "average" or something and not ugly really, so you are going about your life and then some ass comes up to you or someone you know says your ugly or unattractive? I'm serious one person came up to me and just totally put me down. I remember telling a friend and they said they probably just were feeling bad about themselves but that just seems unlikely. You don't just go up to someone in a retail store and say "hey you're ugly" "haha" basically. I curse that jerk that did that. Thing is girls I go up to end up saying something about my looks or not attracted. I know this is common I mean if some non gothic "hot" celebrity came up to me I'd say I'm not attracted to them, but I mean it gets depressing when I hear it so often. I am SO tired of being alone and sitting here alone wasting years of my life. I go to doctors, i talk to my mother, I try talking to anyone who will listen and they just give me the same stupid advice that I've acted on before and ended up being shot down being called names or it just not working for me.

I don't know what to do anymore. I am SO sad and I sleep so much. My mind is like a drug addict hung up on these certain types of girls, since I was a kid. It's never going to leave me. I guess to me any girl not like the ones I described is about as attractive to me as another guy. Weird maybe but that is how I am and I am really happy with the kind of girls I like. Besides for fun I've tried dating "normal" girls, but they gave me the same problems. I got lucky 4 times in my life and dated pretty, intelligent and kind women but it's been so long since the last one... I think 4 years. I tried dating since, probably over 500 people, and I always get shot down. I always go up to people I am interested in, I always try to make a connection but nothing works. I'm not trying hard either, I'm pretty casual about it. I really don't know how to word how LOST I feel inside about everything. I won't kill myself but I sure wish I was dead. There's no point to living. I saw the last Star Wars.. I mean I Am Legend is coming up, love that book. After holding out for that, what point is there? That isn't a joke either. Maybe I use movies or events as excuses to hold on a little longer and not kill myself. I really don't know.

I fool myself into thinking girls are checking me out when I catch one of them looking at me. It works sometimes but otherwise I catch up with reality and feel horrible. I have never had a random stranger come up to me and tell me I was ugly but I sure as hell have had my friends call me ugly. Eventually I understood what they were saying was the truth and I finally agreed with them, but ever since they have stopped and told me I wasn't. I'm so sorry to hear about your unsuccessful love life but I personally try to make myself feel better by contributing to charity. At least I'm doing something for this world instead of just taking space. I too feel the only thing that's keeping me going is entertainment. The thing I'm personally waiting for is the finale of Lost which is in 2010. I don't know what's going to keep me going after that, probably some other entertainment medium.
The only thing I can suggest further is to get hypnotherapy to rid yourself of your attractiveness towards goths. Good luck, I now how it feels.

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asleep_by_dawn

replied on September 16th, 2007

New User

I wish I could rid myself of it but I am extremely attracted to them. I guess they aren't all with hot guys, they are usually with people I think aren't great. It's just hard to find them, they aren't as easy to find as the average girl that does nothing for me.

I don't know maybe I will get lucky eventually. I just hate waiting and waiting. The disappointment kills my soul too.

I feel so down though right now. I know what I love and what does it for me. I get this damn rush of dread washing over me when I sit here alone thinking about them. Even if I didn't like them and just normal girls, I'd get that feeling. I want to be with someone, who isn't just a girlfriend but a FRIEND.

I actually do contribute to my own charity related to animals. There's some surgeries animals need or they have to be put to sleep. A few vets nearby here I am in contact with, contact me if someone is offered that option to operate or put the pet to sleep. Anyone who says "they have to think about it" gets my phone number. I only do it at 3 places, and that makes me feel good and I love animals, but I want a partner in my life too.

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Enlightened Uselessness

replied on September 16th, 2007

Experienced User

I really don't know what to say. I had an unusual experience concerning my thoughts on attractiveness, which I'm not yet ready to share, but eventually, not being exposed to it and just ignoring made it go away. I'm sure when it presents itself again, my feelings for the said thing will come back. When that happens, I'll just have to ignore it. I guess all I can offer now is to travel the world and expand your culture to keep your mind of things. Who knows, maybe you'll meet someone somewhere else in the world.

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asleep_by_dawn

replied on September 16th, 2007

New User

I'lll edit this later

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Juan Toobie Healthy

replied on September 18th, 2007

New User

If you don't like your hair, you should go to an expensive salon. The stylists there should have their own portfolios. Find a stylist you like and let him/her have free reign on your hair. You may not see yourself in some more stylish haircuts, but a good stylists will know what will look good on you. You could probably get some make over tips from the stylist as well. I dated a couple of stylists, so I know a little about this (lol)

That's the last piece of advice I'll give you. I can't help anyone who won't help himself. I can tell you that people generally don't like people who don't like themselves. As long as you keep feeling sorry about yourself, nothing will change. I'm not saying it's not warrented. I'd feel awful too if I had some of your experiences. You have to move on though and get that self esteem back. You act like we on here are just giving pointless advice. You don't realize that we were in your shoes. If you want to make excuses that you're different and it won't work for you, then you are just going to be stuck where you're at.

I hate to see someone suffering from depression and giving up on life. My heart goes out to you and I hope that you find happiness someday.

Best wishes!

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heliophobe

replied on October 11th, 2008

New User

Wow, I feel just like you. To be honest, I don't know how to cope with my own sense of alienation.

You sound like a really great guy, though. I really don't know much about you, but I have a suspicion you might be traumatized from that accident. Maybe you just should talk with a relative or loved one. I know that always helps me feel a little better.

This sounds lame, but ever tried religion? Sometimes that helps.

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