Depression Forum - Alone And Confused...

I don't know who to start these things...

I am a single, 22, male and I am a recent university grad. I am unemployed and live with my parents. My friends are off to school or their jobs, I don't feel as if I can talk to my family or my friends, even my best friends.

I guess the main problem right now would be that I have become more and more depressed with my situation. My situation being that I am feeling alone and almost abandoned, I feel as if everyone around me has their lives all in order and that I am just the odd one out. Waiting, just waiting for something to happen.

Mostly I feel depressed because of two things, I feel as if my friends have abandoned me for their own lives (which is somewhat acceptable since it would be selfish of me to ask for everyone of my friends to worry about me and my life when they have their own to worry about). My best friend has a new girlfriend and unknowingly flaunts his romantic success in my face. He is busy with her a lot lately, and constantly checks his cell phone for messages when we are hanging out. My close group of friends have jobs or still has school left so they aren't in the same city anymore. My main way of communication is through instant messengers since I hate using the phone. But none of them seem to be on or around. Those who I felt I could talk to about my depression and feelings are now unresponsive and try to brush me off. I don't know who to talk to, so I typically bottle it up and keep it to myself. You know, put on a happy face for the folks so they won't bother me. (Note: I don't feel comfortable talking with my parents about my feelings since we have a clash of ideas and notions due to the generation gap between us)

The other is a girl. Yes, its like many youth/teen problems, relationships and the lack there of. My situation in a nutshell, I met her in residence of my last year of university, we lived 3 doors down from each other. We started to hang out in the fall a lot, if not everyday. We both had so much in common and grew closer to each other as the months went by. Christmas passed and we returned from the holidays. I felt that things would return to normal and we would continue hanging out. To the contrary we grew further and further apart due to a few things on my part. I got a little jealous and generally confused. We didn't speak to each other for weeks to month on end. The main problem was that I HAD to pass her room everyday for almost everything (bathroom, eating, school). One day after much sorrow and heartache I felt that I would open up to her and tell her how I felt. It turned around and bit me in the *** I poured my heart out telling her that I was sorry and that I cared about her yadda yadda. She responded that she felt the same way, until recently as she had stopped caring and that she didn't feel that way anymore. As you may have guessed that didn't help me with my feelings of depression. I felt guilty for pushing her away in the first place, felt responsible for her not caring about me anymore, and felt totally alone as my close friends had similar problems and I didn't want to dump my problems on them.

We started talking again, but it feels as she is avoiding me. I would try and talk to her but she won't respond. I don't think she should since she can talk to me if she wants to but...Its hard for me right now, two parts of me are in conflict. I feel that i want to try and "get her back" but when i try it only feels like im pushing her away, and it hurts.
Its somewhat of a cycle now...

I am feelings alone, so I try to talk to her...
I feel hurt because when I do it feels like I'm pushing her away...
I try and avoid talking to her as to try not to push her away and feel hurt..
But when I avoid her I return to the feelings of abandonment and being alone...

The cycle continues. I can't think straight, I look everywhere and everything reminds me of her (since we had so much in common, the things i like to do, we used to do together)...from video games, to tv shows, to places and activities I commonly do.

So being confused about my feelings, and having no one to talk to it has started to become worse for me. I really don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore...