I do not see why admin would take out the word homicide when referred to in this way. I thought they only did that on the abortion forum.
Anyway, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I don't know if you ever will feel better. One of my good friends and an ex-boyfriend was killed in 1996. They say he shot himself in the head, but we are pretty sure that is not what happened. There were way too many inconsistencies, but that is another story.
I never really grieved the loss of him. I felt sad sure, but it still has not really hit me that he is gone. He was cremated (sp?) so I never saw him dead. Whether that has anything to do with it or not, I don't know.
I still dream about him. And I still miss him a lot. It has not been as long since his death as it has for your friend. It does get easier for me, but it doesn't seem that it does for you. I think maybe this was just such a traumatic event for you, especially at such a young age, that it triggered some psychological problems. It could be a major cause of your depression, or maybe just the reason that you are not getting any better.
If I were you, I would definately talk to someone. It may hurt, but I think it would help.
As for your suicidal thoughts they are definately understandable. However, when you have these thoughts here is what I want you to do.
Think of how you felt and still feel about the loss of tammy. Do you want anyone to feel that way when you are gone? Because, believe me, they will. Especially your children. Do you really want them to grow up without you? Thinking that you did not want them and that is why you chose to take your own life. That is how they will feel. Believe me.
I know the pain seems unbearable, but I am sure that you do not want to inflict that kind of pain on anyone else. Especially your friends and family.
If your meds are not helping enough, then talk to your doctor about switching them. But ultimately, you need counseling. Or, just someone to listen to you. You can get through this, it is just going to be really hard. I am so sorry that you feel this way. I hope you can work through this and go on with your life. God bless.

Thankyou for your advice. The only problem I have with talking to someone else is that most of the time the person does not understand and I am usually told that I should just get over it. Counseling always goes towards my parents. What I mean is they end up trying to talk about my homelife as a child and not my friends death which is what really bothers me. I also did not get to say goodbye to tammy because I was not allowed to the funeral. Seeing the grave later did not help either.

I know exactly what you mean. I was 17 when I had my loss, and I didn't get so much as a "are you o.K" it was just like, if we ignore it, it will go away. And if I try to talk about it, "oh, let's just change the subject" it sucks, but that is what people do.
What I would try, is to go to a counselor and right off of the bat tell her/him that you are there to talk about your loss and that is all!!! You are paying for it and they should listen to what you have to say!
Of course, easier said then done. Every time I have ever been to a counselor or pyschologist, they just wanted to know if I was sexually molested. And no matter how many times you say no, they keep asking anyway. It's like they honestly believe that the only things that can possibly go wrong in your life is sexual assault, or abuse. Which both are horrible, but there is so much more to life!
I think you not saying goodbye also keeps you from moving on. I only say that because I think I am in that same boat. We as human beings need closure. When we don't get it, who know what can happen.

Saying goodbye almost sounds like it will make her disappear. I think maybe I am afraid to let her go. I dont want her to be gone , I just dont! I had seen her only a couple weeks before she died and we had just had her tenth birthday. It just doesnt seem real to me. She was buried with all her birthday stuff which was mostly rainbow bright items. I cried like a baby in walmart the other day when I saw a rainbow bright doll for the first time sense her death. My daughter wanted one and I bought it for her but it cut like a knife. I took it as tammy wanted my little girl to have it. Tammy loved kids and I have always felt guilthy that I got to have them and she didnt. I dont understand why someone would want to hurt a child like that. Why did this person have to take my friend away from me forever!!!????

Hi lost. About a month ago, some friends of ours lost their teenage son.
He was only 19, in the prime of his life. He was a kind soul, never said anything to hurt or offend anyone. But he had gotten involved in drugs. We are assuming that he took an overdose of drugs although the parents dont want to bring this up. Both the parents are the best parents anyone can have, but when god wants to take someone, there is nothing anyone can do.

Me and especially my wife were totally shaken up. We still have in our mind the dead body of that sweet boy. My wife is totally scared and needs someone with her all the time to console her.

I know that this is a great loss to you. Some people take death more emotionally than others. Many people get hardened and are not sensitive about these things.

The thing you must remember is that everyone has to go to their final resting place one day. We just hope and pray that everone can live a good and fulfilling life. Your friend is in heaven and in a nice place.
Just think of all the good things you shared with her. And remember that she is smiling down at you and happy to know that you cared so much....

Lost,
unfortunately I understand all too well what you are feeling and thinking. 8 months on the 24th, was when my cousin, and best friend, was killed in a horrific car accident. She was only 16 1/2. I too am almost 17, so our friendship, our bond, our relationship, was at the strongest during this time in our lives. We shared everything. Even though we always lived so far apart from eachother, we always wrote eachother letters, emailed, called, sent pictures. She suffered from gastro complications as well as myself. We both struggled, as I continue to, with eating disorders. We understood eachother inside and out. Her smile would turn the gloomiest sky into the most beautiful rays of sun light you could imagine. She was beautiful, so caring and so giving. Such an amazing friend. Always looking to help people. I have been in denial since the night my family got the call that she was in an accident. I couldn't believe that this could be happening to our family. Here's what happened... She went out with 2 guy friends around 3 o clock on july the 23rd to go bowling, just around the corner. They went and on their way back, the assh*le who was driving(illegally had the 3rd passenger in the car as he was only 17 driving with a restricted license) he was speeding trying to "show off" in front of my cousin, lost control, over corrected and went head on into oncoming traffic. The car was t-boned and my cousin held the impact of the crash on her. When she wasnt home at 5 for work my aunt and uncle got worried. She didnt have any id on her, so she was known as "jane doe" to the medics...Their neighbor is a cop and they heard about the accident over the radio..Within..They ran over and told them because he recognized the one guys name, and knew she was friends with him..My aunt and uncle rushed to the trauma hospital, 2 hours away.... She suffered a major head injury, broken pelvic and collar bone.She went immediately, but came back after ressusitation. They life flighted her to the nearest trauma hospital and lost her again in air. After several attempts they once again got her to come back, only to hook her up to full life support. We got the call around 9pm about the accident. At 10pm we got another call saying she was pronounced brain dead. I lost it at that point, because I knew no matter what came of this, I would never get my cousin back. I remember falling to the floor in hysterics as my mom and sister cried with me. I wanted to get in a plane and fly down to see her right then(im in nj she was in nc)to tell her to hold on and that I loved her. It felt like I was living the worst nightmare imaginable. I knew she wouldn't make it, I just had that feeling,she was weak to begin with from being sick....My aunt and uncle had to make the decision to keep her on life support or let her go. Before they made a decision, my cousin set herself free. A little after midnight my best friend was pronounced dead, never to come back again. That day my family and I drove down to north carolina to be with my family, on our way we past where the accident happened. The sight of the skid marks made my hair stand straight up, it made me so sick, knowing thats where my cousin was. Sitting on her bed, I remember being so confused. Her clothes on the floor, her make up on her dresser. Her work clothes in a pile. A normal teenagers room. But she wasnt there. I remember the whole weekend I kept thinking I wonder where jenna is. I kept telling myself she must be at a friends, and waited for her to come walking through that front door..But she never did. Flowers and cards overflowed the living room. People constantly at the door with food and comforting words. Sunday was the memorial service. Everybody dressed in black. We pull up to the church only to find her whole soccer team carrying roses, crying, and comforting eachother. Our family waited in the church basement for the priest to escort us in. One look inside and I once again lost it. The church was filled with people mourning. The walk down the aisle only to see a table set up of pictures and memories of her was heart breaking. I don't know how I made it all the way down. I will never forget that vision. The eulogy still sits on my dresser, with her name on it. I dont understand why it says the things it does. I dont understand why this is happening. Lost, i'm living in a fantasy world right now. I've been severely depressed, suicidal, rebellious and have felt guilty for not talking with her sooner, telling her how much I loved her, I took her for granted and I will never forgive myself for that. I wish I had the answer for you, but I myself am still searching....People mourn in different ways, and they slowly regain their lives over time. It's been 8 months and the wound is still fresh. The pain is still strong, that feeling in my stomach is still there. I cry every time I read her letters, look at her pictures, think about the pain she was in. Whenever I think about our memories together, and those future memories that will remain nonexistant. Why not me? She never did anything wrong. I feel as if i'm constantly screaming but nobody hears me. I feel like i'm alone in this and there's no way out. I refuse to say goodbye, because that means she's never coming back. And I can't accept that right now. Each day I walk around with this hole in my heart, only to grow bigger as each day passes. And to make this worst, the kid who was driving will recieve nothing but a slap on the hand from all of this. He killed her. If he hadn't of had her in that car she would still be here today. Community service and a 1000 fine....For the loss of my cousin? What an insult. I hope to god I never come across this guy, because I can't tell you what i'd do. Lost, the only thing I can tell you is to talk with someone who knew her. Someone who knew how great she was, who appreciated her. Think of your children. I've gone down the wrong path because i'm so angry. I've shut people out who care about me and have done things out of spite and anger. I'm almost 17 and 21 wks pregnant with a baby girl, if I could go back 5 months and change things, I would have. Because as sad as it is, this baby was made out of anger and hurt, not love. I will love my daughter and give her everything I can, but it hurts at the same time. By not getting help and talking with someone im heading myself down a road of self destruction. Get help, your children need you. They love you and dont want to see you hurting. I'm here if you want to talk...I understand, I hear you, and I want to help. Please don't hesitate to pm me.
My prayers are with you.
God bless,
vanessa

I understand what you are going thru! Most of my family is gone and I lost two good friends of mine by homicide one was stabbed 47 times and left dead on the beach one was found murdered in a laundry mat stabbed and two of my friends were killed in an auto accident and one was killed on one of the rides at the county fair, it was hell! You might try a psychologist that uses e.M.D.R. That is where they do the knee taping it helps a lot of people, it helped me! A psychologist is a lot better than a psychiatrist at times because they do not prescribe medication and don't be ashamed of needing help, heck we all need a little help sometimes and hugs too!
Sincerely,
sandy

Crombie chic...
Reading your post I cannot believe how young you are. But then I lost my friend at 17 too and it makes us grow a lot faster then we should have to. Just know that your cousin knows how much you love her. I know that you wish you would have told her and spent more time with her, but she knows. She probably also wishes that she had spent more time with you. But, we cannot see the future. We live our lives day to day the best that we can. When something like this happens we regret what we didn't make time for, but how could we have known? Your cousin is still with you and always will be. You can say goodbye to her. It is o.K. Because you will only be saying goodbye to the physical, she is with you in spirit.
Your baby girl is very lucky to have a mother like you. You have a wonderful spirit! Even if she was not conceived out of "love" she does not have to know that and the love that you give her will more then make up for that.

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Thank you for the support guys...It helps talking with people who know what its like....Hotasfrick, it seems as though i've been thrown every possible obstacle that people experience throughout their lifetime, all in a matter of a year....Its so hard, I mean seeing my aunt,uncle, and cousin(josh), during some holidays without her there, is too much to bare. I couldnt even look them in the eyes because I saw her in them. I dont know, im still so numb from it all.


And liz, hun, I dont want to get into it here, I did not post this in the teen preg forum so please stay out of it. I am pregnant, that "erica" story was a cover, like someone said...I have my reasoning, but there were a few things I never told you guys...Like how me and tom became intimate very soon in our "relationship" and why I chose for things to happen that way....And that reasoning is in this post...I was and still am very angry, my best friend was taken away from me and there was nothing I could do to stop it...I pulled away from my family and looked for the attention in all the wrong places. Tom being number one....That is why I said she was made out of hurt and resentment not love, which I regret big time...I was too insecure and too unsure of how everyone would view me so I kinda of played it out, and sooner or later, the hole that I dug towered over my head. I apologize for putting you and the rest of the girls through what I did, but please don't question my pregnancy. It's real. I have proof and explanation of everything. Liz, do you honestly think I could come on to that board, and lie about every thing I ever talked with u about? I got close with you especially, and never meant to hurt anybody. If I was truly a fake, I would have left this board a long time ago. I never would have talked with jen all those times about something that did not exist. But I didnt leave the board, because I was looking for the support and comfort, which turned out to be negative attention due to the way I approached everything. I noticed you already brought this up in the other forum, and im sure i'll be getting harrassed momentarily due to it. But please just let it be. I messed up. I changed bits and pieces of my situation to protect myself, to keep that guard up. I know you won't believe me, why should you? You have every reason to be mad and not want to trust me. Im not asking you to do that, but I don't appreciate you questioning my little girl. Just let it be.

Liz I posted in the other forum hun , shes not fake I think u'll understand** im so sorry vanessa!!

Hey I know how u feel almost two years ago I lost two of my best freinds to a car accident I am still not even close to getting over thier death.. It hurts like it happened yesterday.. Every day I am reminded of them an the horrible way they died.. I see a mustand I cry I see a silver chain I cry I hear the music they would listen to I cry.. I dont know why I cannot seem to get over this but I cant.. I want to but I dont.. The feelings that I have about this have me so confused all I can say is ur competley normal for still mourning if u werent I would be shocked.. Carry on to the best of your abbility

Dominicks,
im so sorry for your loss, its horrible and nobody should have to go through it...But ive learned thats a part of life unfortunately...Ive started to push *her* away because it hurts too much to think about her sometimes, its too overwhelming reading her old letters she sent me. I have a bottle of her perfume she wore all the time, but it's hidden in my drawer so that I won't smell it....Her coral necklace she always wore, used to reside around my neck, but when I looked in the mirror I was haunted by the reflection...It too is stuffed away in my drawer...Ive gone through stages and it seems each stage gets worst, gets tougher to cope with, feels that much more impossible to let go. There are days I question myself and why im living this nightmare. Why this happened to me. Things weren't supposed to go this way...We were supposed to grow up together and be apart of eachother's lives. I understand when you say you want to get over this but at the same time you dont. I refuse to move on, I cant let her go. I feel like if I hold on to her for as long as I can maybe she'll come back. Im in denial, and I need to pull through this. Hopefully I can find the strength to overcome this. I know what you're going through, and if you ever need to talk, or to vent, i'm here for ya...God bless, and take care of yourself.

Yeah, that "not a nice act" thing is the stupidest incredibly thing I ever saw!
What are we in the former soviet union now or something where censorship is golden?
My sister was redrumed in 1991 by a pedophile. She was 6.