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Depression and Abusive Relationship! I Am Trapped !

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September 10th, 2007
I Dont see how there is anyway to make this whole story short so here I go:

3 Years ago I started a new relationship with a guy I had known for a while. Things were great for a while until about 6 months into the relationship when I had found out he had been lying about things. The things he lies about are usually sexual. After much hartache I started obsessing over the things he would lie to me about. It got so bad that everyday he would have to go thru a play by play of his day and even what he thought about. I know this sounds crazy but I was not like that before in any way. I have been taking antidepressants and ocd medication now but I still feel haunted everyday that he is lying. There hasnt been a day thats gone by that I havnt asked if he was lying to me at least 5 times questioning about things over and over. He cant even leave the room without me questioning things like what bad or sexual things he was thinking while he left.I also obsess about his past and we fight almost everyday about him lying to me. Everytime he tells me he isn't he always seems nervous or guilty so it makes me certain that he is lying in my mind. Because I feel this way he ends up calling me names and swearing at me. In turn I end up charging at him physically..we are in an abusive realtionship and it is hard to face. For example today he was vacumming and when he was finished I asked him wat bad thing he was thinking while doing so...we ended up fighting ...he said no one ******* cares what I think and im stupid...i thre a bowl of dog food at him...he threw it back and pushed me onto the floor. Afetr all of this he always says sorry...i dont listen anymore because i know how incincere he is. He calls me a !**@! and tells me how stupid i am always after i acuse him of things...to me it just makes him more guilty of lying...The most hrriblle thing about all of this is that we are newlyweds...yeah thats right newlyweds....how bizarre...i am starting to feel how much of a mistake i have made...i feel there is no way out...my family is huge on no divorce/seperation...i thought i was too...I see no way for this situation to work out..even with years of therapy. I have no attraction to this man anymore...he is a monster to me..i dont know what to do. Im sorry if this seems warped to anyone reading this,iguess it feels good to get things out even if no ones is there. I never talk about this to anyone. I used to go to a therapyst about my obsessoveniss with my husbands lying but i found it jiust didnt do all that much.Anyways im done this for now.thx 2 anyone who reads this.


p.s excuse my bad spelling
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Juan Toobie Healthy
replied September 10th, 2007
Wow! Not good. Your relationship is definitely unhealthy. Personally, I've never been jealous or insecure. That's only because I wouldn't be in a relationship if I couldn't trust the other person. I'm not saying that your distrust is unwarrented, but you're torturing yourself by obsessing over it. If you have a change of heart and try to stick it out, you have to work on that. When you start obsessing, try focusing your energy elsewhere. It sounds like you start picturing scenarios and your mind runs with them until it consumes you. The next time you start to worry (unless it's truly warranted) I'd dismiss it and try to turn your attention to something else. Also, get some couples therapy. Maybe you can clear the air and learn how to communicate without letting tensions rise to the point of getting out of hand.

On the other hand, throwing in the towel may be best. Although I take the pledge of marriage seriously, I think violence is the beginning of the end in a relationship. It sounds like staying together isn't doing either of you any good and things are only going to continue to escalate. I wouldn't worry about what your family thinks. They're your family. They'll always love you and will have to get over it sooner or later. Ultimately they want what's best for you. If staying in a marraige that's rapidly spiraling out of control could lead to someone going to jail or getting hurt, they wouldn't want that. Just do what's best for you.
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Enlightened Uselessness
replied September 10th, 2007
Experienced User
How do you know he's lying? One of the most important things in relationships is trust. How can you be in this relationship if you do not trust him?
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marvel
replied September 11th, 2007
Supporter
That was not warped, MissTaken.

Your own personal health trumps any belief that your parents have! If you're not attracted to him, you don't feel anything for him, and he treats you that way, you should definitely seek help to leave him, I think. Time to think about you and your mental and physical health is more important than enduring what you're going through!
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MissTaken
replied September 11th, 2007
Thanks...i know this all makes sense...In the past we would fight until he confessed his lies. I know that must be what got me into the pattern...there was always a lie...i could always tell but now i guess a womans intuition can only go so far,,,
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Totola
replied July 14th, 2010
I am in a similar situation. My boyfriend never cut things with his ex girlfriend. In the begining of our relationship I understood because I met him very close to the breakup of my ex partner that I lived with him for 4 years. But now we have been together for 2 years. I caught him lying so many times. He always denied it and make me belive I was wrong. I caught pictures of them together. Text messages and a bunch of things. So I put a tape recorder and I recorded his conversation with his ex. About how great was the sex last night and how much they love each other. He ask me for forgiveness while I discover that she was driving his car ( he told me it was at the garage). I saw her on the street I follow her and in a red light I went and knock hard at her window. I have email her ugly things. And even talk on the phone. She repeats to me that she has an engagment ring and they are going to marry. I don't live with him but we share almost every night together. He is not sexual with me and he blames it on his antidepressant. But he was having sex with her. He swears he adores me and that I am the only woman that he loves. All this got me completely obssesed with the jeolousness the feeling that he is lying all the time. I also spend days where I think about it all the time. At the same time I am in mood controlling treatment with lamictal and wellbutrin. So I feel that all this makes my mood worse even if I am on meds. I have been abusive verbaly. I am in therapy but it is not working because I am not ready to break up with him. He pays all my bills and I left work 6 months ago. Last month he gave me a cruise for me and my family. He is very generous and sweet. But at the same time because of our unhealthy relationship. He doesn't show me in public,take pictures together or come with me to events ( concerts, showsetc). I understand your feeling. I lived it every day. I don't want to leave him. But I am driving him crazy and myself with all this.
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