Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 17 Location: United States
a Guy's Opinion Posted: 09-10-07 12:54pm
I posted this in the women's chat then
figured I would post here to get a guy's
perspective. I got remarried in October
2003 to a man 20 years older. We talked a
long time on the fact that as he got older
his sex drive might become lower & how
would we react to that. I told him that
even if he couldn't perform, that there
were things that he could do for me to
make up for it. The first 2 years he
wanted it(not nearly as much as me, but at
least some) but had problems staying hard,
so we went to the dr & got medicine
for that. Then 2 years ago he quit wanting
sex altogether. As time goes on, it gets
fewer & farther between times. I talk
& I talk & I talk & he says he
understands, but he doesn't. I do "things"
for him ALL the time. He then says thank
you and rolls over and goes to sleep, no
matter how many times I tell him how that
hurts my feelings. He takes all the oral,
hand,vibrators- as long as it is on him,
but absolutely refuses on me. In 2 1/2
months we have had sex 1 time. He doesn't
kiss, fondle, just absolutely nothing.
Saturday I did my thing on him for over an
HOUR after one of our talks-thinking he
finally understood-thinking I would get
something in return, but once again
nothing. His reasoning is he is too tired.
Yet, he works everyday, if anyone needs
help he helps, he goes to church everytime
the doors are open & teaches a class,
anything else he can do - except when it
comes to me, then he is WAY too tired,
he's so tired he can barely stand up. If
it had just started I would be more
understanding, but this has been going on
for 2 LONG YEARS! I am not ugly, repulsive
- I have blonde hair, blue eyes, I love
him & want to please him, I do not
nag, I cook him supper every night, I fix
his plate & bring it to him, I run his
bath water, anything he wants he gets. I
am attractive, nice, sexy woman - so I
just don't get why.
My question is what could be making him do
this? Could he want someone else? What
warning signs for anything should I look
for? & will this change back? I am
hurt, it has changed who I am on the
inside. I am not the outspoken vibriant
woman I used to be because of this. I mean
if your own husband doesn't want you then
who ever would?
Any suggestions would be greatly
appreciated. (He is turning 54 this month
& I will be 34 in November.)
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j_j89
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Jul 2007 Posts: 19
Posted: 09-10-07 23:11pm
I think that this all comes down to a
matter of respect. The fact that you have
given him all of you and he has not given
you even half of himself is completely
unacceptable. It sounds as though you have
done all that you can do to get him to
understand which I can see is frustrating.
I am not sure how, but you absolutely have
to get him to understand that besides
being a woman who is confident with her
body and sexuality, you are a person with
needs like every person needs. I believe i
read that you were married, as a married
person you deserve the things that married
people are supposed to have and its
supposed to be as good as it can possibly
get! If you get enjoyment from pleasing
him then I guess you could keep giving him
what he needs, but if you are partial to
giving and not receiving then I would give
him less, he has to know that what is
going on is not right. The bottom line
here is that you deserve exactly what you
desire and nothing less, loving yourself
is getting the love you need. The fact of
the matter is that there are many men who
are eager to please a woman, make sure he
knows he is lucky to have you. Make sure
he knows his role as a married man. Demand
further what is yours. I wish you the
best.
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stacy4renee
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 17 Location: United States
Posted: 09-11-07 14:40pm
Thanks!
Most men go through the majority of women
NOT wanting sex & here I am begging
for it. Go figure.
I wonder whether he could be asexual. I
think that is what it is called. I just
don't know what to think anymore - like I
said it has been going on for 2 years. To
touch again on my first remark - The
majority of men would be begging for it.
If I was just dating it would be easier to
walk away, but we have been married 4
& I do love him, but I REALLY love
sex, but I won't cheat either. So I need
to have an answer to the cause of this. If
I don't get an answer or relief(lol) I
guess the desecion will be made for me.
I just wonder how many men go through this
- if any - because I have never heard of
any.
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Hubert
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Jun 2007 Posts: 10
Posted: 09-11-07 16:04pm
I went through a time of not wanting sex.
I'm only 21 but I had an errection problem
related to stress (exams and full time job
getting too much) and confidence (I
thought I was small)
That lasted for about 6 months for me
before a friend of mine cured me as it
were.
Your husband might not be listening to
what you say, he may just be nodding and
agreeing, or catching bits of what you say
and going mmmm.
Why don't you get him to take you out, but
make him think that it is his idea, but
you plan it whilst letting him think that
he is planning it. Thats what my friends
do with me anyway. Make sure it isn't
tiring and so you get a chance to wear
something really sexy then you can reward
him for the good day in some sexy naughty
place which should be exciting for both of
you.
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stacy4renee
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 17 Location: United States
Posted: 09-12-07 08:42am
I have tried that over & over - for 2
years.
I am very openminded when it comes to sex
& everything concerning so believe me
if it's there I have tried it. I am not
ugly, I am well proportioned, I take care
of myself, I have tried & tried. In
the middle of all of this he is accusing
me of cheating when that is the farthest
thing from the truth. Not that I have not
been tempted, but I believe if you are
married then you are married - there are
no right ways to straddle a fence on that
on - black * white - no gray area. So all
of this is just a slap in my face.
I suppose all I'd tell you is to go on
strike until you get what you want. Maybe
not a complete strike, but don't give in
all the time. If you spend the day cooking
and taking care of him, I'm sure you're
tired too. Maybe you're too tired to do
oral tonight... and tomorrow... and the
week after. You don't bring it up though.
When he brings it up, suggest sex. If he
says no then say goodnight. When he brings
it up again, suggest sex again. Hopefully
he'll get the idea. Good luck
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stacy4renee
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 17 Location: United States
Posted: 09-12-07 12:28pm
Could there be a medical reason for this?
He says he just too tired. Once in 2
months?
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Dale123
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Jul 2007 Posts: 697 Location: Barrie, On Canada
Posted: 09-12-07 12:38pm
Oh yeah! He's getting what he wants! Why
would he have sex and do all of the work
if he can get you to do your thing and
then go to sleep. I would stop and see
what happens. Make a day of the week thats
just for you guys. Where he can't go and
do all of the things that tire him
out.Just a day for you because you deserve
it!
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lonestarguy
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007 Posts: 593 Location: , Big D
Thanks: 12
Thanked:1
Hey Stacy Posted: 09-12-07 13:44pm
stacy4renee
wrote:
Thanks!
Most men go through the majority of women
NOT wanting sex & here I am begging
for it. Go figure.
I wonder whether he could be asexual. I
think that is what it is called. I just
don't know what to think anymore - like I
said it has been going on for 2 years. To
touch again on my first remark - The
majority of men would be begging for it.
If I was just dating it would be easier to
walk away, but we have been married 4
& I do love him, but I REALLY love
sex, but I won't cheat either. So I need
to have an answer to the cause of this. If
I don't get an answer or relief(lol) I
guess the desecion will be made for me.
I just wonder how many men go through this
- if any - because I have never heard of
any.
I'm an older man so maybe I can add some
insight into your situation. Everything
you say about men is the truth, We all
think about sex, we want sex, we
masturbate, we watch porn. But a lot of
those youthful urges become fewer as we
age.
I'm not saying it happens to everyone, but
there are blips on the radar at times for
all men. I can hear your frustration loud
and clear and it has been a long time
since you've been satisfied sexually.
I was having a problem because I am taking
a lot of medications for various maladies,
but I have solved the problem and I am
back to normal. I did take heavy drugs for
back pain for four years and it also
caused side effects where I lost interest
in sex. But once I got off the drugs, my
desire returned big-time.
I know people have taken shots at you for
getting into a relationship with a man 20
years older than you. That IS a factor,
although all of it was not your fault. If
he has changed drastically in his desire
since when you had good sex, then you are
not to blame. Except for the fact that you
needed to project how his whole body and
mind was going to change as he aged and to
know you are not on his aging timetable.
And it is not beyond the realm of
possibility that he could have a medical
condition you don't know about. Type 2
diabetes is relatively difficult to
notice, but a simple blood test can
diagnose it. High blood pressure or
hypertension is very much a silent killer
and had few symptons. Unless your doctor
finds it, you could have until you die of
it without even knowing. Both diabetes and
hypertension can cause sexual problems
(ED) and other symptoms. And stress is a
common cause of sexual dysfunction, but
usually not for two years. Anemia also
causes a loss of energy.
They are also right about you taking care
of his needs without fail and he does
nothing for you. Maybe you do need to give
him some new ground rules and, yes, say
the D word because you must do something
if you're this unhappy.
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stacy4renee
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 17 Location: United States
Posted: 09-12-07 18:48pm
I have an extra bedroom that I am going to
start sleeping in. Maybe that will
distance myself & get him to thinking.
I guess go from there. I just don't get it
though, most guys would love all the
attention & be raring to please in
return. Even if it was that he couldn't
perform, he should at least go south every
now & then. I have never had to deal
with this in my life.
In my opinion too, if a guy is "too tired"
for sex, that means any form of it at all.
Right? Why is he NOT too tired to receive,
but too tired to even raise his head off
the pillow when I ask him to go down on
me? I just don't think I buy that one.
