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mandelbrane

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Sep 2007
Posts: 4
Very Mild Depression
Posted: 09-10-07 11:43am

I'm a junior in college right now. I'm a public health major, but I don't know why I am.

I still have not come to some sort of certainty or confidence with my decision to switch to public health from chemistry. I know that a major doesn't necessarily determine the career, but music is such a long shot away from my previous majors, computer science and chemistry.

I tried going to the school counseling center, but that didn't really help. Maybe it's because I didn't go long enough to find the core of my problem. The first meeting, he'd ask, "What problems are you having?" I'd say, "Time management." Then he'd just give me tips on how to improve my time efficiency. The next meeting I'd tell him sometimes I'd lose my temper and kick holes in walls and scream in a fit of rage after taking a test. Then he'd ask me, "Do you think people are afraid of you?" I felt so offended that I didn't go after that meeting.

It's really hard for me to tell what's really going on. I find myself preoccupied with trying to figure out why I'm so apathetic toward the idea of schoolwork. Why can't I be like everyone else and just realize that I need a degree to survive on my own and go to class everyday? Some days the apathy bottles up until it becomes anger and I just slam the chair into the table, but nothing that would hurt myself or others.

I can't figure out if I lack motivation because of the classes I'm taking--which kind--or if it's the fact that I'm not taking a music class along with all this science--or if it's the fact that I'm not studying solely music, when I think my initial "dream" was to become a musician. Every day I feel doubt growing about my current path. What if my passion for music makes me suck at everything else?

For some reason, I think this all started summer of junior year, because that was the first time I felt that something wasn't quite right. I felt really isolated at that time. And while I'm not as isolated now, I feel that I'm the only one who cares about the fact that I feel like I have no choice but to plod on with a public health degree. I'm getting pressure from my parents to be practical and ignore music for the next two years, and it's going to probably drive me up the wall. I feel like I'm suppressing some part of myself. My parents have convinced me that my thinking is wrong, and that only fuels my desire to rebel against their wishes. They try to convince me that music will be a harder path than the one I'm taking now and that I'll hate it even more. It's only made me more conflicted and uncertain of myself.

I have no idea if my apathy is spawned by depression or uncertainty. I don't feel sad at all, but I don't feel happy. I just feel completely unsure of myself. I'd try to find some comfort in some music, playing guitar, or writing a song, but I left my guitar at home thinking it would distract from my "true" goals.

Anyways, I didn't know where else to post this. I don't know what else to blame my uncertainty on. I think what I need most is advice right now. Or at least someone who doesn't think I'm delusional in wanting to get out of my current situation halfway through college to pursue rock music. Most of my family thinks I won't be able to survive as a musician. I've been dwelling on this for four months now, and the longer it's been the more I become fixed on my self-doubt.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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marvel

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Joined: 09 Sep 2007
Posts: 1104
Location: Toronto, Ontario (but only a private message away)
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Posted: 09-10-07 15:00pm

Hi, mandelbrane!

I have gone through three years of University feeling wishy-washy about my Major (Comparative Religion and Anthropology). Though I found it interesting, my desire to get a degree, with a promising future of becoming a teacher overshadowed my desires. I am now making arrangements to shrink my degree to leave school early to pursue Social Work at another school. I really wish I would have stuck to my guns and gone after what my gut was telling me!

Though I didn't have parents who told me what to study, my preconceptions of 'success' and 'happiness' were based on money and status... not on how much I would actually enjoy what I'd be doing. Success is pursuing and living your passion. Full Stop. It's not healthy to simply endure schooling and a career JUST for wealth or parental approval. How would you feel if you were doing what you loved right now? This is an important question to ask, I think.
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syhz7

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Oct 2007
Posts: 2

Posted: 10-24-07 16:40pm

I say rebel.

Your family shouldn't be able to control you or your interests, at least not now after you started college. Your life should be your decision. They had their chance to live out their dreams and if they didn't take it then too bad. It's time for you to live out your own.
Trust me when I say that the most important thing is that you like what you do. There are a lot of opportunities when it comes to working with music, so you're not lost if you find out that writing music (as an example) and making a living off of it wasn't as easy as you thought. If you feel stuck you could always come back here and we could try to help you figure something out.
If you love it, then just accept that you're gonna have to work hard for it. And I'd say hard work's worth it if you feel it would make you happy.

The pressure you feel coming from your family must be really confusing and, in a way, painful. But I sort of think there's no need for you to keep being miserable. They might be somewhat dissapointed in you for not choosng the path they've set for you, but so what. It's your life, your choice and your happiness that's in question. They'll get over it.

I'm cheering for you!
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