Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 17 Location: United States
Husband Is Not "wanting" Sex Posted: 09-10-07 11:08am
Hell to everyone! This is my first post. I
don't know where else to turn. I got
remarried in October 2003 to a man 20
years older. We talked a long time on the
fact that as he got older his sex drive
might become lower & how would we
react to that. I told him that even if he
couldn't perform, that there were things
that he could do for me to make up for it.
The first 2 years he wanted it(not nearly
as much as me, but at least some) but had
problems staying hard, so we went to the
dr & got medicine for that. Then 2
years ago he quit wanting sex altogether.
As time goes on, it gets fewer &
farther between times. I talk & I talk
& I talk & he says he understands,
but he doesn't. I do "things" for him ALL
the time. He then says thank you and rolls
over and goes to sleep, no matter how many
times I tell him how that hurts my
feelings. He takes all the oral,
hand,vibrators- as long as it is on him,
but absolutely refuses on me. In 2 1/2
months we have had sex 1 time. He doesn't
kiss, fondle, just absolutely nothing.
Saturday I did my thing on him for over an
HOUR after one of our talks-thinking he
finally understood-thinking I would get
something in return, but once again
nothing. His reasoning is he is too tired.
Yet, he works everyday, if anyone needs
help he helps, he goes to church everytime
the doors are open & teaches a class,
anything else he can do - except when it
comes to me, then he is WAY too tired,
he's so tired he can barely stand up. If
it had just started I would be more
understanding, but this has been going on
for 2 LONG YEARS!
My question is what could be making him do
this? Could he be gay? Could he want
someone else? What warning signs for
anything should I look for? & will
this change back? I am hurt, it has
changed who I am on the inside. I am not
the outspoken vibriant woman I used to be
because of this. I mean if your own
husband doesn't want you then who ever
would?
Any suggestions would be greatly
appreciated. (He is turning 54 this month
& I will be 34 in November.)
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Georgia59
Supporter
Joined: 11 Apr 2007 Posts: 5557 Location: Along the Mississippi, USA
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Posted: 09-10-07 12:53pm
First of all, you need to stop assuming
that it is because of you. It isn't. That
will only make you feel bad and make the
situation worse.
Secondly, don't assume he's gay. Unless
you have other information.
But you need to have a nice long talk with
him about getting your needs met. Try to
do it in an unthreatening,
non-confrontational way. See if it works.
If not, suggest couple's or sex therapy.
Good luck!
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amethyst eyes
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Nov 2006 Posts: 1339
Posted: 09-10-07 13:06pm
You need to tell him it is not fair. Why
should you please him when he never
returns the favor. I would ask to be
first next time so you do not get skimped.
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stacy4renee
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 17 Location: United States
Posted: 09-10-07 13:12pm
We have talked - for 2 years. At first it
wasn't this severe so I wasn't so upset.
Whe talk about it at least once every week
or so & he says that he understands
the way I feel, that he knows he needs to
meet my needs. I do things for him trying
to get him in the mood. I have walked
around naked, half naked, lingerie, talked
dirty, watched porn. You name it I have
done it. For him to except blow jobs, hand
jobs or vibrators then refuse to do the
favor? I would rather have sex but trying
to help his feelings I suggested to just
do other things & that has backfired.
We have talked & I have tried
everything. He knows how this is affecting
me but still refuses to fix the problem. I
just think this is selfish on his part. I
really don't think that he is gay, it's
just I don't know what to think. I think
about sex all the time & for him to go
from wanting it to nothing & steadily
getting worse? I am very open minded &
if there is a problem I have always been
one to bring into the open & talk
about it. It's just nothing helps here. I
just would like to know what could
possibly be going on.
Thanks
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Chezzy
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Jan 2007 Posts: 152
Posted: 09-10-07 18:24pm
Well IMO if he is going to be selfish and
not care about your feelings then don't
return yours to him, lets see how long it
would take him to go Hey whats the go???
He sounds very selfish and uncaring in
that department.
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stacy4renee
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 17 Location: United States
Posted: 09-11-07 14:53pm
What started me doing for him more was
that I had surgery a few months back. So
he would be sexually frustrated, I started
doing whatever he wanted. Mainly using a
vibrator. He you put it on the head &
roll it around they can ejaculate like
that. I did all 3 things(alternating
nights) every night. For a whole month.
Then it was every few nights. Now it is 2
times maybe 1 night a week.
When we got married he was the best I had
ever been with. He could down for hours
& actually knew what he was doing!
Everything was great. & now nothing?
In a way I just want to walk away.
|
Ingi
Supporter
Joined: 09 Mar 2006 Posts: 8901 Location: Grinning like a Cheshire Cat,
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Posted: 09-11-07 15:07pm
stacy4renee
wrote:
What started me doing for
him more was that I had surgery a few
months back. So he would be sexually
frustrated, I started doing whatever he
wanted. Mainly using a vibrator. He you
put it on the head & roll it around
they can ejaculate like that. I did all 3
things(alternating nights) every night.
For a whole month. Then it was every few
nights. Now it is 2 times maybe 1 night a
week.
When we got married he was the best I had
ever been with. He could down for hours
& actually knew what he was doing!
Everything was great. & now nothing?
In a way I just want to walk
away.
Over sex? You want to walk away because of
sex? Seems like the entire relationship
needs some work if you are considering
leaving because of sex. Stop doing for him
and do for yourself if you want to feel
pleased.
You knew this was an issue when you
married a man 20 years older than you (how
old is he?) and you were ok with that
until you weren't ok with that anymore.
I'm not trying to be harsh, but you either
accept it as being a part of your
relationship (you've said you have talked
to him about it a lot) or you don't.
|
stacy4renee
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 17 Location: United States
Posted: 09-11-07 15:37pm
I do please myself in other ways. He also
knew I was 20 years younger. We talked
about then & he said there were things
that he would do for me if the time came.
The time is here & totally refuses to
do anything? This not something that has
happened overnight.
|
Ingi
Supporter
Joined: 09 Mar 2006 Posts: 8901 Location: Grinning like a Cheshire Cat,
Thanks: 171
Thanked:197
Posted: 09-11-07 17:08pm
stacy4renee
wrote:
I do please myself in other
ways. He also knew I was 20 years younger.
We talked about then & he said there
were things that he would do for me if the
time came. The time is here & totally
refuses to do anything? This not something
that has happened
overnight.
Relationships develop over time. But like
I said before, this is either going to be
something you accept in the relationship
or you don't. If he is unwilling to talk
to you about it, or to meet you 1/2 way -
what other choices to do you have?
|
Birch
Supporter
Joined: 07 Nov 2005 Posts: 4038 Location: Bliss,
Thanks: 142
Thanked:13
Posted: 09-11-07 17:40pm
Ingi
wrote:
stacy4renee
wrote:
What started me doing for
him more was that I had surgery a few
months back. So he would be sexually
frustrated, I started doing whatever he
wanted. Mainly using a vibrator. He you
put it on the head & roll it around
they can ejaculate like that. I did all 3
things(alternating nights) every night.
For a whole month. Then it was every few
nights. Now it is 2 times maybe 1 night a
week.
When we got married he was the best I had
ever been with. He could down for hours
& actually knew what he was doing!
Everything was great. & now nothing?
In a way I just want to walk
away.
Over sex? You want to walk away because of
sex? Seems like the entire relationship
needs some work if you are considering
leaving because of sex. Stop doing for him
and do for yourself if you want to feel
pleased.
You knew this was an issue when you
married a man 20 years older than you (how
old is he?) and you were ok with that
until you weren't ok with that anymore.
I'm not trying to be harsh, but you either
accept it as being a part of your
relationship (you've said you have talked
to him about it a lot) or you
don't.
Well...I'd have to say that when you are
married, you are suddenly solely
responsible for the other person's sexual
gratification (other than masturbation, of
course). That's part of the deal. And if
he's not keeping up his part of the
agreement, then you have to tell him "hey,
pal, you either step it up or you let me
step out every now and then".
I wouldn't play keep away to be
manipulative.
Sex is a big deal. To look forward to a
life of no sexual activity, well...I
wouldn't begrudge the OP for leaving if it
came to that.
|
Ingi
Supporter
Joined: 09 Mar 2006 Posts: 8901 Location: Grinning like a Cheshire Cat,
Thanks: 171
Thanked:197
Posted: 09-11-07 19:05pm
Birch
wrote:
Ingi
wrote:
stacy4renee
wrote:
What started me doing for
him more was that I had surgery a few
months back. So he would be sexually
frustrated, I started doing whatever he
wanted. Mainly using a vibrator. He you
put it on the head & roll it around
they can ejaculate like that. I did all 3
things(alternating nights) every night.
For a whole month. Then it was every few
nights. Now it is 2 times maybe 1 night a
week.
When we got married he was the best I had
ever been with. He could down for hours
& actually knew what he was doing!
Everything was great. & now nothing?
In a way I just want to walk
away.
Over sex? You want to walk away because of
sex? Seems like the entire relationship
needs some work if you are considering
leaving because of sex. Stop doing for him
and do for yourself if you want to feel
pleased.
You knew this was an issue when you
married a man 20 years older than you (how
old is he?) and you were ok with that
until you weren't ok with that anymore.
I'm not trying to be harsh, but you either
accept it as being a part of your
relationship (you've said you have talked
to him about it a lot) or you
don't.
Well...I'd have to say that when you are
married, you are suddenly solely
responsible for the other person's sexual
gratification (other than masturbation, of
course). That's part of the deal. And if
he's not keeping up his part of the
agreement, then you have to tell him "hey,
pal, you either step it up or you let me
step out every now and then".
I wouldn't play keep away to be
manipulative.
Sex is a big deal. To look forward to a
life of no sexual activity, well...I
wouldn't begrudge the OP for leaving if it
came to that.
From what she said, this was something
they discussed repeatedly. And he is 20
years older. Which means he could be
anywhere from 40 - however old, she never
really said.
This is a common life situation. Older men
have less stamina in the bedroom. It is so
common it is a cliche. Not only that, they
have entire marketing campaigns for
pharmacutecals set around it (Those
annoying viagra commercials!).
I guess, it seems like a known
situation when married him. And you she
either accepts it or she doesn't.
|
stacy4renee
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 17 Location: United States
Posted: 09-12-07 08:35am
I am 33 & he is 53. Like I said
earlier, I have talked, I have done all
the "little things" to get him in the
mood. Before we got married we talked
& about if he ever lost his stamina
& he promised that he would still take
care of my needs in other ways. So for him
to totally refuse this really hurts.
All the while he is checking the history
on the computer, checking my phone, &
I got accepted in the nursing program
& he doesn't like that because I might
leave him for a doctor? He is constantly
questioning me because in his eyes I am
acting susicious? When he is the one not
wanting sex or anything to do with me. He
started this 2 weeks after we got married
of being jeaulous & insecure. I deal
with it all.
I love him, but to deal with everything
that is going on(which is too much to put
on paper) & then be accused? I need to
know what causes a man to go from wanting
sex to nothing. He has pills but refuses
to take them. It's not that he has a
desire & can't perform - it's he just
don't want to have sex unless it consists
of me doing for him only.
I know he is 20 years older - I knew that
when I married him, but he also knew I was
20 years younger & he made a promise
too.
|
Birch
Supporter
Joined: 07 Nov 2005 Posts: 4038 Location: Bliss,
Thanks: 142
Thanked:13
Posted: 09-12-07 09:29am
stacy4renee
wrote:
I am 33 & he is 53. Like
I said earlier, I have talked, I have done
all the "little things" to get him in the
mood. Before we got married we talked
& about if he ever lost his stamina
& he promised that he would still take
care of my needs in other ways. So for him
to totally refuse this really hurts.
All the while he is checking the history
on the computer, checking my phone, &
I got accepted in the nursing program
& he doesn't like that because I might
leave him for a doctor? He is constantly
questioning me because in his eyes I am
acting susicious? When he is the one not
wanting sex or anything to do with me. He
started this 2 weeks after we got married
of being jeaulous & insecure. I deal
with it all.
I love him, but to deal with everything
that is going on(which is too much to put
on paper) & then be accused? I need to
know what causes a man to go from wanting
sex to nothing. He has pills but refuses
to take them. It's not that he has a
desire & can't perform - it's he just
don't want to have sex unless it consists
of me doing for him only.
I know he is 20 years older - I knew that
when I married him, but he also knew I was
20 years younger & he made a promise
too.
I'm on board with you. And 53 isn't so
old that *poof* a man isn't expected to
have some libido. Even if there are
erectile problems does that mean his
tongue doesn't work?
That sucks, and he's breaking his part of
the deal.
He is suspicious and jealous.
Have you seen a marriage counselor?
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Marianne0558
Supporter
Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 1743 Location: Charleston, SC USA
Thanks: 50
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Posted: 09-12-07 09:33am
I've never had this problem, so I don't
know if you want my advice or not-I'm
giving it anyway
I think you should make him be first next
time. That way you won't get skipped out
on. (someone else already said this)
If that doesn't work, I would seek sexual
therapy. It could be fun for both.
If the sex therapy doesn't work, I would
seek marriage counseling.
Is this the only problem you all have
encountered?
Maybe you should try doing it by yourself
in front of him. That could make him want
to get in on the action.
What a sucky problem! I'm sorry you are
going through this.
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Ingi
Supporter
Joined: 09 Mar 2006 Posts: 8901 Location: Grinning like a Cheshire Cat,
Thanks: 171
Thanked:197
Posted: 09-12-07 09:33am
I'm going to go back to my ORIGINAL REPLY
and say that there are much deeper
things going wrong in this marriage that
sex.
|
Georgia59
Supporter
Joined: 11 Apr 2007 Posts: 5557 Location: Along the Mississippi, USA
Thanks: 90
Thanked:32
Posted: 09-12-07 12:18pm
I agree. Why would he not want her to go
to school? Something is up here. He
doesn't seem to be worried about her
needs, only his own.
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Georgia59
Supporter
Joined: 11 Apr 2007 Posts: 5557 Location: Along the Mississippi, USA
Thanks: 90
Thanked:32
Posted: 09-12-07 12:21pm
If it's just about sex, get a vibrator.
But that doesn't seem like it's the
problem- you seem to think he isn't
concerned about your needs.
in that case, get a therpist or get a new
hubby.
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stacy4renee
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 17 Location: United States
Posted: 09-12-07 12:26pm
Like last night, I am a night owl - always
have been, probably always will be , I was sitting in
here and writing in my journal on my yahoo
account. I am recovering from strep throat
and so I turned to get some water to take
my medicine & what is he doing?
Sitting up in the middle of the bed with
his glasses on & looking at what I am
writing. Saying I am acting suspicious. I
have always gotten on the computer at
night. The kids are in bed & it's
peaceful & quiet. I do love him that
is why I have stayed, but for him to
question me when all I want to do is fix
the problem. I tell him all the time I
don't want anyone else but him. I think
men live in their on little world most of
the time.
I did tell him last night that we needed
to talk to someone about all of this
because I can not keep going this way.
I just thought I would post on here to see
if maybe there was a medical reason for
him not wanting sex. If he was THAT tired
he would not even want me to do anything
for him either i would think, but that is
the reason he gives me.
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Georgia59
Supporter
Joined: 11 Apr 2007 Posts: 5557 Location: Along the Mississippi, USA
Thanks: 90
Thanked:32
Posted: 09-12-07 12:44pm
yes there are medical reasons for men to
not want sex.
But since he is fully sexually functional,
and enjoys when you perform sexual acts on
him, those medical reasons are kind've
ruled out.
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Birch
Supporter
Joined: 07 Nov 2005 Posts: 4038 Location: Bliss,
Thanks: 142
Thanked:13
Posted: 09-12-07 16:43pm
stacy4renee
wrote:
Like last night, I am a
night owl - always have been, probably
always will be , I was sitting in
here and writing in my journal on my yahoo
account. I am recovering from strep throat
and so I turned to get some water to take
my medicine & what is he doing?
Sitting up in the middle of the bed with
his glasses on & looking at what I am
writing. Saying I am acting suspicious. I
have always gotten on the computer at
night. The kids are in bed & it's
peaceful & quiet. I do love him that
is why I have stayed, but for him to
question me when all I want to do is fix
the problem. I tell him all the time I
don't want anyone else but him. I think
men live in their on little world most of
the time.
I did tell him last night that we needed
to talk to someone about all of this
because I can not keep going this way.
I just thought I would post on here to see
if maybe there was a medical reason for
him not wanting sex. If he was THAT tired
he would not even want me to do anything
for him either i would think, but that is
the reason he gives
me.
There's a whole lot of excuses for his
behavior in your posts.
I hope that he takes what you said to
heart (how did he react?) when you said
you wanted to talk to someone.
