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Husband Is Not "wanting" Sex (Page 1)

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Hell to everyone! This is my first post. I don't know where else to turn. I got remarried in October 2003 to a man 20 years older. We talked a long time on the fact that as he got older his sex drive might become lower & how would we react to that. I told him that even if he couldn't perform, that there were things that he could do for me to make up for it. The first 2 years he wanted it(not nearly as much as me, but at least some) but had problems staying hard, so we went to the dr & got medicine for that. Then 2 years ago he quit wanting sex altogether. As time goes on, it gets fewer & farther between times. I talk & I talk & I talk & he says he understands, but he doesn't. I do "things" for him ALL the time. He then says thank you and rolls over and goes to sleep, no matter how many times I tell him how that hurts my feelings. He takes all the oral, hand,vibrators- as long as it is on him, but absolutely refuses on me. In 2 1/2 months we have had sex 1 time. He doesn't kiss, fondle, just absolutely nothing. Saturday I did my thing on him for over an HOUR after one of our talks-thinking he finally understood-thinking I would get something in return, but once again nothing. His reasoning is he is too tired. Yet, he works everyday, if anyone needs help he helps, he goes to church everytime the doors are open & teaches a class, anything else he can do - except when it comes to me, then he is WAY too tired, he's so tired he can barely stand up. If it had just started I would be more understanding, but this has been going on for 2 LONG YEARS!

My question is what could be making him do this? Could he be gay? Could he want someone else? What warning signs for anything should I look for? & will this change back? I am hurt, it has changed who I am on the inside. I am not the outspoken vibriant woman I used to be because of this. I mean if your own husband doesn't want you then who ever would?

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. (He is turning 54 this month & I will be 34 in November.)
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replied September 10th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
First of all, you need to stop assuming that it is because of you. It isn't. That will only make you feel bad and make the situation worse.

Secondly, don't assume he's gay. Unless you have other information.

But you need to have a nice long talk with him about getting your needs met. Try to do it in an unthreatening, non-confrontational way. See if it works. If not, suggest couple's or sex therapy.

Good luck!
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replied September 10th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
You need to tell him it is not fair. Why should you please him when he never returns the favor. I would ask to be first next time so you do not get skimped.
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replied September 10th, 2007
We have talked - for 2 years. At first it wasn't this severe so I wasn't so upset. Whe talk about it at least once every week or so & he says that he understands the way I feel, that he knows he needs to meet my needs. I do things for him trying to get him in the mood. I have walked around naked, half naked, lingerie, talked dirty, watched porn. You name it I have done it. For him to except blow jobs, hand jobs or vibrators then refuse to do the favor? I would rather have sex but trying to help his feelings I suggested to just do other things & that has backfired.

We have talked & I have tried everything. He knows how this is affecting me but still refuses to fix the problem. I just think this is selfish on his part. I really don't think that he is gay, it's just I don't know what to think. I think about sex all the time & for him to go from wanting it to nothing & steadily getting worse? I am very open minded & if there is a problem I have always been one to bring into the open & talk about it. It's just nothing helps here. I just would like to know what could possibly be going on.
Thanks
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replied April 24th, 2011
newly married , no sex
I am 33 and have been married just over a year to a man 16 years my senior. I am going through the same stuff. He was sexually active till we got married. After that its as though he completely turned around into a new person that hates me. And he cites my weight as the reason . I have been teh same since we got married. I really dont knwo how to deal with this man. And to think we are both educated . PHD and MBA from Ivy leagues
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replied September 10th, 2007
Experienced User
Well IMO if he is going to be selfish and not care about your feelings then don't return yours to him, lets see how long it would take him to go Hey whats the go??? He sounds very selfish and uncaring in that department.
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replied September 11th, 2007
What started me doing for him more was that I had surgery a few months back. So he would be sexually frustrated, I started doing whatever he wanted. Mainly using a vibrator. He you put it on the head & roll it around they can ejaculate like that. I did all 3 things(alternating nights) every night. For a whole month. Then it was every few nights. Now it is 2 times maybe 1 night a week.

When we got married he was the best I had ever been with. He could down for hours & actually knew what he was doing! Everything was great. & now nothing? In a way I just want to walk away.
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replied September 11th, 2007
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stacy4renee wrote:
What started me doing for him more was that I had surgery a few months back. So he would be sexually frustrated, I started doing whatever he wanted. Mainly using a vibrator. He you put it on the head & roll it around they can ejaculate like that. I did all 3 things(alternating nights) every night. For a whole month. Then it was every few nights. Now it is 2 times maybe 1 night a week.

When we got married he was the best I had ever been with. He could down for hours & actually knew what he was doing! Everything was great. & now nothing? In a way I just want to walk away.


Over sex? You want to walk away because of sex? Seems like the entire relationship needs some work if you are considering leaving because of sex. Stop doing for him and do for yourself if you want to feel pleased. Smile

You knew this was an issue when you married a man 20 years older than you (how old is he?) and you were ok with that until you weren't ok with that anymore.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but you either accept it as being a part of your relationship (you've said you have talked to him about it a lot) or you don't.
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replied September 11th, 2007
I do please myself in other ways. He also knew I was 20 years younger. We talked about then & he said there were things that he would do for me if the time came. The time is here & totally refuses to do anything? This not something that has happened overnight.
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replied September 11th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
stacy4renee wrote:
I do please myself in other ways. He also knew I was 20 years younger. We talked about then & he said there were things that he would do for me if the time came. The time is here & totally refuses to do anything? This not something that has happened overnight.


Relationships develop over time. But like I said before, this is either going to be something you accept in the relationship or you don't. If he is unwilling to talk to you about it, or to meet you 1/2 way - what other choices to do you have?
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replied September 11th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Ingi wrote:
stacy4renee wrote:
What started me doing for him more was that I had surgery a few months back. So he would be sexually frustrated, I started doing whatever he wanted. Mainly using a vibrator. He you put it on the head & roll it around they can ejaculate like that. I did all 3 things(alternating nights) every night. For a whole month. Then it was every few nights. Now it is 2 times maybe 1 night a week.

When we got married he was the best I had ever been with. He could down for hours & actually knew what he was doing! Everything was great. & now nothing? In a way I just want to walk away.


Over sex? You want to walk away because of sex? Seems like the entire relationship needs some work if you are considering leaving because of sex. Stop doing for him and do for yourself if you want to feel pleased. Smile

You knew this was an issue when you married a man 20 years older than you (how old is he?) and you were ok with that until you weren't ok with that anymore.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but you either accept it as being a part of your relationship (you've said you have talked to him about it a lot) or you don't.


Well...I'd have to say that when you are married, you are suddenly solely responsible for the other person's sexual gratification (other than masturbation, of course). That's part of the deal. And if he's not keeping up his part of the agreement, then you have to tell him "hey, pal, you either step it up or you let me step out every now and then".

I wouldn't play keep away to be manipulative.

Sex is a big deal. To look forward to a life of no sexual activity, well...I wouldn't begrudge the OP for leaving if it came to that.
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replied September 11th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
Birch wrote:
Ingi wrote:
stacy4renee wrote:
What started me doing for him more was that I had surgery a few months back. So he would be sexually frustrated, I started doing whatever he wanted. Mainly using a vibrator. He you put it on the head & roll it around they can ejaculate like that. I did all 3 things(alternating nights) every night. For a whole month. Then it was every few nights. Now it is 2 times maybe 1 night a week.

When we got married he was the best I had ever been with. He could down for hours & actually knew what he was doing! Everything was great. & now nothing? In a way I just want to walk away.


Over sex? You want to walk away because of sex? Seems like the entire relationship needs some work if you are considering leaving because of sex. Stop doing for him and do for yourself if you want to feel pleased. Smile

You knew this was an issue when you married a man 20 years older than you (how old is he?) and you were ok with that until you weren't ok with that anymore.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but you either accept it as being a part of your relationship (you've said you have talked to him about it a lot) or you don't.


Well...I'd have to say that when you are married, you are suddenly solely responsible for the other person's sexual gratification (other than masturbation, of course). That's part of the deal. And if he's not keeping up his part of the agreement, then you have to tell him "hey, pal, you either step it up or you let me step out every now and then".

I wouldn't play keep away to be manipulative.

Sex is a big deal. To look forward to a life of no sexual activity, well...I wouldn't begrudge the OP for leaving if it came to that.


From what she said, this was something they discussed repeatedly. And he is 20 years older. Which means he could be anywhere from 40 - however old, she never really said.

This is a common life situation. Older men have less stamina in the bedroom. It is so common it is a cliche. Not only that, they have entire marketing campaigns for pharmacutecals set around it (Those annoying viagra commercials!).

I guess, it seems like a known situation when married him. And you she either accepts it or she doesn't.
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replied September 12th, 2007
I am 33 & he is 53. Like I said earlier, I have talked, I have done all the "little things" to get him in the mood. Before we got married we talked & about if he ever lost his stamina & he promised that he would still take care of my needs in other ways. So for him to totally refuse this really hurts.
All the while he is checking the history on the computer, checking my phone, & I got accepted in the nursing program & he doesn't like that because I might leave him for a doctor? He is constantly questioning me because in his eyes I am acting susicious? When he is the one not wanting sex or anything to do with me. He started this 2 weeks after we got married of being jeaulous & insecure. I deal with it all.

I love him, but to deal with everything that is going on(which is too much to put on paper) & then be accused? I need to know what causes a man to go from wanting sex to nothing. He has pills but refuses to take them. It's not that he has a desire & can't perform - it's he just don't want to have sex unless it consists of me doing for him only.

I know he is 20 years older - I knew that when I married him, but he also knew I was 20 years younger & he made a promise too.
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replied September 12th, 2007
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stacy4renee wrote:
I am 33 & he is 53. Like I said earlier, I have talked, I have done all the "little things" to get him in the mood. Before we got married we talked & about if he ever lost his stamina & he promised that he would still take care of my needs in other ways. So for him to totally refuse this really hurts.
All the while he is checking the history on the computer, checking my phone, & I got accepted in the nursing program & he doesn't like that because I might leave him for a doctor? He is constantly questioning me because in his eyes I am acting susicious? When he is the one not wanting sex or anything to do with me. He started this 2 weeks after we got married of being jeaulous & insecure. I deal with it all.

I love him, but to deal with everything that is going on(which is too much to put on paper) & then be accused? I need to know what causes a man to go from wanting sex to nothing. He has pills but refuses to take them. It's not that he has a desire & can't perform - it's he just don't want to have sex unless it consists of me doing for him only.

I know he is 20 years older - I knew that when I married him, but he also knew I was 20 years younger & he made a promise too.


I'm on board with you. And 53 isn't so old that *poof* a man isn't expected to have some libido. Even if there are erectile problems does that mean his tongue doesn't work?

That sucks, and he's breaking his part of the deal.

He is suspicious and jealous.

Have you seen a marriage counselor?
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replied September 12th, 2007
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I've never had this problem, so I don't know if you want my advice or not-I'm giving it anyway Wink

I think you should make him be first next time. That way you won't get skipped out on. (someone else already said this)

If that doesn't work, I would seek sexual therapy. It could be fun for both.

If the sex therapy doesn't work, I would seek marriage counseling.

Is this the only problem you all have encountered?
Maybe you should try doing it by yourself in front of him. That could make him want to get in on the action.

What a sucky problem! I'm sorry you are going through this.
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replied September 12th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
I'm going to go back to my ORIGINAL REPLY and say that there are much deeper things going wrong in this marriage that sex.
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replied September 12th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
I agree. Why would he not want her to go to school? Something is up here. He doesn't seem to be worried about her needs, only his own.
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replied September 12th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
If it's just about sex, get a vibrator.

But that doesn't seem like it's the problem- you seem to think he isn't concerned about your needs.

in that case, get a therpist or get a new hubby.
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replied September 12th, 2007
Like last night, I am a night owl - always have been, probably always will be Smile , I was sitting in here and writing in my journal on my yahoo account. I am recovering from strep throat and so I turned to get some water to take my medicine & what is he doing? Sitting up in the middle of the bed with his glasses on & looking at what I am writing. Saying I am acting suspicious. I have always gotten on the computer at night. The kids are in bed & it's peaceful & quiet. I do love him that is why I have stayed, but for him to question me when all I want to do is fix the problem. I tell him all the time I don't want anyone else but him. I think men live in their on little world most of the time.

I did tell him last night that we needed to talk to someone about all of this because I can not keep going this way.

I just thought I would post on here to see if maybe there was a medical reason for him not wanting sex. If he was THAT tired he would not even want me to do anything for him either i would think, but that is the reason he gives me.
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replied September 12th, 2007
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yes there are medical reasons for men to not want sex.

But since he is fully sexually functional, and enjoys when you perform sexual acts on him, those medical reasons are kind've ruled out.
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replied September 12th, 2007
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stacy4renee wrote:
Like last night, I am a night owl - always have been, probably always will be Smile , I was sitting in here and writing in my journal on my yahoo account. I am recovering from strep throat and so I turned to get some water to take my medicine & what is he doing? Sitting up in the middle of the bed with his glasses on & looking at what I am writing. Saying I am acting suspicious. I have always gotten on the computer at night. The kids are in bed & it's peaceful & quiet. I do love him that is why I have stayed, but for him to question me when all I want to do is fix the problem. I tell him all the time I don't want anyone else but him. I think men live in their on little world most of the time.

I did tell him last night that we needed to talk to someone about all of this because I can not keep going this way.

I just thought I would post on here to see if maybe there was a medical reason for him not wanting sex. If he was THAT tired he would not even want me to do anything for him either i would think, but that is the reason he gives me.


There's a whole lot of excuses for his behavior in your posts.

I hope that he takes what you said to heart (how did he react?) when you said you wanted to talk to someone.

Best wishes!
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