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Q: Wife Cheated, Does Past Sex Abuse Excuse Or Justify It?
asked by:
BryceLev
on September 7th, 2007
New User
My wife and I lived together for about three years before we got married. We never had any problems that were not solved before we when to bed together. I have never slept on the couch, and she has never run to a friend's house to spend the night (while we were dating).
We were married in March 07, and things changed. She grew distant, cold, and unemotional (things that she NEVER did before the marriage.) I had no idea what was going on. I thought it was just the stress of marriage/new job/etc.
Within four months of marriage she cheated on me twice in one month with the same man in another state. This was a boyfriend from many years ago, that she got back in "touch" with.
To make a long story short, he was caught by his girlfriend because she read his text messages. She called me and told me the whole thing. I immidiately threatened divorce and confronted my wife. She broke down HARD. she couldn't stop bauling, saying she was sorry, etc.
We went to councelling the NEXT day together. Nothing was really found out, since it was our first visit.
Now, I am not the type of person that gives second chances out like candy. Here is why I am sticking around for the time being, and this is what I need help with. I found out 2 weeks before I found out about the affair that my wife was sexually abused by her step-father AND grandfather between the ages of 4 and 9. I had NO IDEA about this. I began reading books and articles about survivors of childhood abuse and marriage. It feels like one book in particular was written FOR HER. The effects of abuse can follow a person around for their entire lives, and have side effects that include feeling empty, feeling emotional dead, needing to feel sexy or loved at all times, not being able to let people down or say no, and having split personalities to deal with issues and guilt. One of the big kickers in the book was that a complete relapse can be brought on by life milestones. We have had a lot of milestones since we became married. We were married, we bought a new car, and we bought a house. These things could have brought back a relapse, explaining why she changed when we were married (all three of these things happened within one month).
Now, one week after all of this she tells me that she wants to move out and be on her own. Her reason is because she has never been on her own, and she wants to feel like an independent person for once in her life. She wants to know that she can make it out there. She says she needs to find herself by moving out, and being independent.
This is very hard for me to accept. She cheated on me, and now wants to move out on her own? She is a very attractive 21 year old woman, I know guys will try to take advantage of the situation, trust me, no guy in their right mind wouldn't want to be with this woman, it's what sucked me in in the first place.
I don't know if I can take her moving away, for this very reason. But then I don't know if keeping her here will help us, or destroy us. I honestly believe her intentions are good, and that she does not want to seek a relationship with another man, but can she and will she say "no" when they seek her out?
I could really use some sort of input on this ordeal. And please, when you respond, try to take into consideration her issues in her past. I honestly believe that they are playing a huge part in our problems.
Thank you,
~B
|
Replies(9)
nightangel73
replied on September 7th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Re: Wife Cheated, Does Past Sex Abuse Excuse Or Justify It?
| BryceLev wrote: |
| Here is the story:
My wife and I lived together for about three years before we got married. We never had any problems that were not solved before we when to bed together. I have never slept on the couch, and she has never run to a friend's house to spend the night (while we were dating). We were married in March 07, and things changed. She grew distant, cold, and unemotional (things that she NEVER did before the marriage.) I had no idea what was going on. I thought it was just the stress of marriage/new job/etc. Within four months of marriage she cheated on me twice in one month with the same man in another state. This was a boyfriend from many years ago, that she got back in "touch" with. To make a long story short, he was caught by his girlfriend because she read his text messages. She called me and told me the whole thing. I immidiately threatened divorce and confronted my wife. She broke down HARD. she couldn't stop bauling, saying she was sorry, etc. We went to councelling the NEXT day together. Nothing was really found out, since it was our first visit. Now, I am not the type of person that gives second chances out like candy. Here is why I am sticking around for the time being, and this is what I need help with. I found out 2 weeks before I found out about the affair that my wife was sexually abused by her step-father AND grandfather between the ages of 4 and 9. I had NO IDEA about this. I began reading books and articles about survivors of childhood abuse and marriage. It feels like one book in particular was written FOR HER. The effects of abuse can follow a person around for their entire lives, and have side effects that include feeling empty, feeling emotional dead, needing to feel sexy or loved at all times, not being able to let people down or say no, and having split personalities to deal with issues and guilt. One of the big kickers in the book was that a complete relapse can be brought on by life milestones. We have had a lot of milestones since we became married. We were married, we bought a new car, and we bought a house. These things could have brought back a relapse, explaining why she changed when we were married (all three of these things happened within one month). Now, one week after all of this she tells me that she wants to move out and be on her own. Her reason is because she has never been on her own, and she wants to feel like an independent person for once in her life. She wants to know that she can make it out there. She says she needs to find herself by moving out, and being independent. This is very hard for me to accept. She cheated on me, and now wants to move out on her own? She is a very attractive 21 year old woman, I know guys will try to take advantage of the situation, trust me, no guy in their right mind wouldn't want to be with this woman, it's what sucked me in in the first place. I don't know if I can take her moving away, for this very reason. But then I don't know if keeping her here will help us, or destroy us. I honestly believe her intentions are good, and that she does not want to seek a relationship with another man, but can she and will she say "no" when they seek her out? I could really use some sort of input on this ordeal. And please, when you respond, try to take into consideration her issues in her past. I honestly believe that they are playing a huge part in our problems. Thank you, ~B |
I understand your situation because it is exactly what happened to my fiance. He married this gal who was sexually abused by her stepdad in the same ages that you mentioned and yes it was the reason why he divorced her. She began cheating on him after several years of marriage and it destroyed my fiance. According to my fiance and the studies he did on sexual abuse it turns out that when sexual abuse takes place like that the woman becomes either hypersexual or asexual. In her case hypersexual. And then realize that you becoming his husband she will see you as her stepdad so it does messes up with the phsyco of the woman in many aspects. Other examples when my fiance was telling how she was jealous just of him talking to a 13 year old girl. Anyways she cheated on him and she left him and she went and moved with the guy whom she cheated and married him. My fiance was into depression and like that for the loss but he survived and see now he is going to marry me. So I'm sorry to hear you are going through this..
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oliverinvegas
replied on May 5th, 2009
New User
Stay Strong and calm for this method
Very important in your situation don't use divorce as a threat, will make things worse.
Best way to deal with this process is be caring, and avoid saying or doing anything that will make her feel like you are her authority or boss. You have to be very easy going, and make life fun. Stay active with her, take her to the park, gym, dance classes etc. more nature oriented activities. Find out what her hobbies are; enroll in some classes fell her mind up with hobbies, etc. to keep her from falling into depression, and self hatred. Teach her positive thinking. This method will take 80% effort from you and 20% from her. After 45 days you should see some changes, a little bit of improvements. You also have to change your expectations of her as your wife for the time being. Don't try to get her to cook, clean, etc. it is not the right time yet. You will have to do most of that work yourself, and stay calm and accept it. As she gets better she will start to clean, cook, etc. with time. Best of luck
Best way to deal with this process is be caring, and avoid saying or doing anything that will make her feel like you are her authority or boss. You have to be very easy going, and make life fun. Stay active with her, take her to the park, gym, dance classes etc. more nature oriented activities. Find out what her hobbies are; enroll in some classes fell her mind up with hobbies, etc. to keep her from falling into depression, and self hatred. Teach her positive thinking. This method will take 80% effort from you and 20% from her. After 45 days you should see some changes, a little bit of improvements. You also have to change your expectations of her as your wife for the time being. Don't try to get her to cook, clean, etc. it is not the right time yet. You will have to do most of that work yourself, and stay calm and accept it. As she gets better she will start to clean, cook, etc. with time. Best of luck
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ant123
replied on June 14th, 2009
New User
I have to disagree with above Bad advice. The best way is not to waste your time caring. Remember You are the PRIZE. She thinks she has all the options, you, him, both, neither. Same thing happened to me. My wife could never say no to anyone. The term is APPROVAL ADDICTION.It's rooted in self-abandonment do the research. Dr. Jung also called it an individuation phase. My wife at age 38 turned back into a rebellious teenager mentally. She changed personalities from a great mom to red neck biker babe. Your wife wants other guys. It's for approval and validation. Don't fool yourself she will lie to get what she thinks she needs trust me. You must show confidence like when you were dating. Like you have other options. Do not show your upset or care in a weak way or she will lose all respect for you. She will not feel sorry for you. As soon as you were married it triggered her trapped, stuck, caged feeling. She was not marriage material and probably never will be. She will probably cheat on the new guy too. The only way it works out is if you become a new challenge like a new guy is. Girls want what they can't have. If she already has you in the bag your toast. Throw her out and start over with her from a distance or someone else. You do have other options. By the way forget 45 days to see changes try 2 to 5 years.
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JavaMissus
replied on June 14th, 2009
Supporter
Hey Guys...Hate to tell you, but this post is 2 years old...
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ant123
replied on June 15th, 2009
New User
yes that's obvious. This is for the next guy or girl that comes along that's going through the same situation.
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rightside
replied on June 15th, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
great advice...
ant123, you are RIGHT ON! The choices are not up to the cheater. I am so tired of seeing people use the excuse of their past experiences and/or upbringing for the bad behavior they display in adulthood. I try to be sympathetic, but it's hard for me to understand why they would want to make their lives worse by continuing the cycle. We were all born with a brain, and the sense to know right from wrong, so why put ourselves and loved ones through more misery? Your advice is the best for ANYONE going through this type of situation, whether they were abused or not. Self-respect is a must, to have the strength to deal with these kinds of people. I applaud you!
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ktgurl321
replied on June 18th, 2009
New User
sexual abuse excuse for cheating? yes and no
here is my story which relates to the question quite well...
my husband and i have been married for a year and a half. he was my everything. he was the first person i told about the abuse from my father. i told him about this a few months before we got married. i felt like i was finally able to tell someone because my parents were going through divorce and my father was no longer living at the house with my family and me. my father had taken my virginity at the age of 4 and continued the behavior until the age of 10. during my teen years i would catch him peeking in my room as i undressed. i could not tell my mother because she had always taken him side throughout everything. my father had also verbally and physically abused me. i was with my husband for 2 and a half years before we got married and thought he was my knight and shining armor. he made me feel loved unconditionally and helped me with my issues. he had always gone the extra mile to show he loved me no matter what. after we had gotten married he quit this behavior. everytime i had gotten sick he would say "how is being with you going to help you feel better?" that hurt me because that was never the case before we had gotten married. his friends became his priority even though they had not cared for me and gossipped about me. im sorry but when you get married you become one person and if someone disrespects one spouse the other spouse should feel hurt as well because i am his best friend and life partner. he had continued to remain friends with these guys and i felt betrayed. i kept begging him to change his ways. i cant remember how many nights i would just sit at alone and cry because my husband didnt wanna spend his extra time with me. i would probobly see him 2 nights out of the week. anyways. i did something horrible and cheated on him multiple times. i felt this unbelieveable guilt and because of the guilt i blamed him for what i had to do in order to feel loved and the attention i craved from him so bad. needless to say he found out about my cheating and i have just recieved divorce papers even though i dont wanna give up on us yet. i know that people always wonder if they married the right person but you dont always know. you were meant to marry for a reason and you promised to spend your lives together. i know what i did was completely wrong and i had taken steps to heal from my past. i dont know how to let him know i truly am sorry and know it will take alot of time but i wanna us to work out. what should i do? so overall, i know if i wasnt neglected from my husband i would not have wanted to see that approval and affection elsewhere. people out there who cheat and the marriage is great have absolutely no reason to do so. i kept begging him and begging him to be there for me more and become that man that i fell in love with and he didnt change. does this mean he just put on an act before we got married? or did he feel like he already had me so he didnt feel the need to do those caring things anymore
my husband and i have been married for a year and a half. he was my everything. he was the first person i told about the abuse from my father. i told him about this a few months before we got married. i felt like i was finally able to tell someone because my parents were going through divorce and my father was no longer living at the house with my family and me. my father had taken my virginity at the age of 4 and continued the behavior until the age of 10. during my teen years i would catch him peeking in my room as i undressed. i could not tell my mother because she had always taken him side throughout everything. my father had also verbally and physically abused me. i was with my husband for 2 and a half years before we got married and thought he was my knight and shining armor. he made me feel loved unconditionally and helped me with my issues. he had always gone the extra mile to show he loved me no matter what. after we had gotten married he quit this behavior. everytime i had gotten sick he would say "how is being with you going to help you feel better?" that hurt me because that was never the case before we had gotten married. his friends became his priority even though they had not cared for me and gossipped about me. im sorry but when you get married you become one person and if someone disrespects one spouse the other spouse should feel hurt as well because i am his best friend and life partner. he had continued to remain friends with these guys and i felt betrayed. i kept begging him to change his ways. i cant remember how many nights i would just sit at alone and cry because my husband didnt wanna spend his extra time with me. i would probobly see him 2 nights out of the week. anyways. i did something horrible and cheated on him multiple times. i felt this unbelieveable guilt and because of the guilt i blamed him for what i had to do in order to feel loved and the attention i craved from him so bad. needless to say he found out about my cheating and i have just recieved divorce papers even though i dont wanna give up on us yet. i know that people always wonder if they married the right person but you dont always know. you were meant to marry for a reason and you promised to spend your lives together. i know what i did was completely wrong and i had taken steps to heal from my past. i dont know how to let him know i truly am sorry and know it will take alot of time but i wanna us to work out. what should i do? so overall, i know if i wasnt neglected from my husband i would not have wanted to see that approval and affection elsewhere. people out there who cheat and the marriage is great have absolutely no reason to do so. i kept begging him and begging him to be there for me more and become that man that i fell in love with and he didnt change. does this mean he just put on an act before we got married? or did he feel like he already had me so he didnt feel the need to do those caring things anymore
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rightside
replied on June 18th, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
If he is not giving you the love and attention you are craving, why do you want to stay with him? It doesn't make sense to me that you are willing to take the abuse, yet you don't want the divorce. Do you see now that cheating was not the answer? Do you ask him why his feelings for you have changed? Well now that you are going to divorce, see if you can persuade him to at least give you these answers. You are right about the way he should be your friend and defend you, so you need to find out why he hasn't. Has someone been poisoning his mind against you? Perhaps you were becoming too needy and clingy? You have a right to the answers and he owes you that before he ends the marriage. I am sorry for your past. Maybe you need to talk to someone about the scars you carry from those days. Sometimes scars have a way of leeching out and affecting our behavior as we grow older. You could use some advice with these issues, and if your husband is willing to go to council with you, it just might help, however, cheating on a spouse multiple times is really a good reason for getting served divorce papers. If you were unhappy, there were other ways of handling it. Sex is powerful in two ways...it can be a wonderful thing, or devastating, depending on how you use it. I wish you good luck, and hope you can work things out.
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newlesbian
replied on June 18th, 2009
New User
Hey, i just wanna say i totally understand and that if you love her, you wont divorce her. I'm not sayin ignore her cheating on you but that you wont leave her. It wont solve anything and will have negative effects on you both. I would encourage her to seek counseling because to me, her cheating is a way of saying she hasn't totally dealt with the past abuse. When she deals with it, she can learn to overcome the urge to cheat and not say no. Believe me when i say i understand, im only seventeen and have been sexually abused a few times when i was younger by someone i fully trusted. I go to counseling and i just deal with what im feeling face on instead of avoiding it. And i know you love her and dont wanna let her go, but being on her own, could help. Its good to be independent and seek strength within instead of from other people, it makes you a stronger person.
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