The "filter" in our brains, filter out the unimportant information. How does it know this. Do we control our filters, can we tweak it?...If so, I need a full re-install. I cannot go out in public, because of the large amout of stimuli assaulting my senses, leaving me mentally handicapped and unable to focus on the task at hand. For instance, reading a newspaper on the subway was once a pleasurable activity and I was able to concentrate, without being forced to pay attention to the "outside". That's all changed now! I feel watched, hear people talking about me, notice other peoples awareness of me, noises are louder, thoughts pop into my head...usually of a paranoid nature, I start to feel "different" like I don't know what's going on, like I shouldn't be here...It just doesn't make sense! There are reasons for all this and it doesn't necessarily mean something is chemically wrong with me. I've noticed "things" that are real. There's just too much consistency and coincidence. It cannot just be delusion, those are uncovered and hallucinations are realized, voices go away. I start to become me again....until...BAM! medical question YOU problem!! It's another trap and you've been tricked again! Damn.

I'm not sure if the above makes sense, but that's just a really vague describtion of my daily experiences ... Can anyone relate?

It would help a lot, if I got a few PMs, maybe chat with someone who's been through something similar...

You said you it wasn't always like this. Tell me something, when did it all start? What do you think the cause to all this is?

Did something intense or life altering happen around the time this started?
Is thier a history of paranoia or dellusions in you family?
...You really should take your med though, it could make you alot better.
N dont stop taking them even if yu feel better, yu know? I cant imagine how difficult this is for you...hope you find an answer.

I think this all started when I was 17yrs old, althought, the first symptoms may have started much earlier then this...For all I know I may have been born like this--this is what the scientific community thinks (obviously). They have a good point and it makes sense, which is why I refuse to believe it. A predisposition to mental illness. Nature vs. nurture. Mental illness can and is created, in that I mean a normal, perfectly healthy person can develop a mental disorder under the right conditions...Experiments are done all the time and tell me, what's more useful then an unsuspecting subject? Why do you think zoologists (or whatever they're called) go out into nature, instead of studying animals within a zoo. Simple. We act and behave (think) differently, when under observation, in public, and so on...Whatever, I don't want to get it all this. So, yeah...the "noticeable" symptoms started when I was 17. I started to smoke weed and cigarettes, drink alchohol and coffee...All this during school. I had a hard time being myself infront of others. I started changing, thinking in odd thought patterns, noticing weird things about myself, which I never noticed, nor would I care in the past. The alcohol and all that, made it much easier, but only for a short period of time. There's MUCH more...Obviously.

I'll write about my father and my quest to guide him out of his own delusions...

Thanks for reading. Sorry.

Btw, drugs "didn't" come before the changes...

...That is why I wanted to help him out. I began to think... if I help him realize his faulty reasoning and thinking habits, he'll ultimately get better and stop believing in his delusions. So, the first step was to delve deep into his reasons "why", he believes in whatever he believes in (most of it had to do with the usual issues, such as: religion, politics, mind control etc). We'd take walks in the park and debate back and forth. It got really messy and complicated, resulting in our coming home angry. The problem was that while I was trying to teach him, he in turn, was trying to teach me, so none of us really considered the other persons point. Basically, we were just arguing. So, that didn't work. I still think I learned a few inportant things such as, it's a complete waste of time in trying to change someones mind (especially when someones that stuborn and completely convinced he's right). Another thing is, people learn from their experiences, while using logic to connect facts (or whatever, you know what I mean). Well in mentally ill people, that doesn't mean there's something wrong with their reasoning skills. There may be, but not always. Their experiences are the problem. For example, you find a five dollar bill, go to a store, attempt to purchase something, when low and behold you realize it's a leaf. How could that be. You clearly "saw" a five dollar bill. So, the problem is you start jumping to conclusions and gathering supporting evidence. THIS is mental illness and It's fk-ing scary.

We see the effect, not the cause (keep in mind, no on really knows what that cause is)...

A year or so ago, I walked into my fathers office (he owns a respectable business) and I found him working in front of his computer...With a large jar filled with urine between the computer and himself. When asked what the hell he was doing. His response was something along the lines of: "It's O.K., this way I'm protected from the probing minds of others". I think he was talking about the "third eye", or some sort of organization that's after his business, or whatever...I'll leave it at this. I know how weird this must sound, though, like with everything one gets used to it.

...I feel very sad sometimes, but life goes on. I'll be going back to school in 2wks or so, that should be refreshing.

So your father has been haveing issues also??? Then it does run in your family.
Its very inpotant for you to take the medicine perscribed. People with paranoid skitzafrenia ( <--- spelling?) dont usually take thier meds but they need 2...

...Without getting much feedback. The reason why I posted in the first place, is to get other people's opinion (what they think is going on and what they think about mental illness and so on) and/or experiences. I want to fix this and I want to get my life back! There's no way I'm going to live like this. No way!

What I don't need is sympathy, nor do I need someone giving me advice like: Go see a doctor. This doesn't do anything for me and it doesn't help me in any way. I've been there, done that...No thank you..

I'm sorry if I sound like an a-hle...I'm just very tired of this.

Thanks.

Thank you Victoria

I wish I could help you more, honestly. Good luck. Private message me if you find any help I would like to know how you are doing.

Hey Trace, although you don't want it - you *have* my sympathy, lol...

My best friend has to go through something similar to this, started happening to him also during highschool) so I understand where you come from...

I'd like to know do you have any visual hallucinations and do the thoughts you get popping inside of your mind sound like they're your own, or are they made by voices that aren't your own (either male or female)...

When did your father's breakdown start happening and how is your mother coping with all of this (please forgive if your mother has passed away or something similar, I know it's a touchy subject)?

Trust me, you do not. Back when I was "healthy" I was conviced the mentally ill were weak. I felt they didn't understand reality for what it is (lol whatever that is), because they were less intelligent and couldn't deal with all the krap in life. IMO, they weren't much better then the Mentally retarded. Sadly that has all changed, now that I'm no longer ignorant...

I have also read about schizophrenia. Those symptons are said to be uncontrollable in a schizophrenic, whereas in a normal person, those "symptoms" are actually called your imagination. Obviously, schizophrenics have some sort of defect or brain damage... or both. See, we are all the way we are through experience and genetics. In a way, one can say that there is no freewill; every choice you make is already predetermined by your past. Cause and effect. For instance, if you're walking outside at night and someone clubs you in the head. If it's hard enough and severly damages the area that enables you to walk. Then no matter what you do, you'll never(?) be able to walk again. You will still have legs, you will look normal. Sad.

Anyways, I don't have visual hallucinations, nor do I experience voices. Do you?

I wrote about my father...



Who would be able to stand 2 crazy ppl at one home !....No she didn't pass away, thanks for being so considerate...You must really know how touchy these subjects are! Nah, my mom has a relatively have life.

naomi, if you ever wanna talk, just PM me, I really care

ps. Victoria, nice pic. reminds me of a pile of photos I lite on fire.~bitter break-up. (I didn't want to go out or see her anymore...She changed...I feel like people are fakers...They're there, until the going gets tough...pfff.)

I've noticed that "trying" to act normal is the hardest thing...!

Hi traceofhope
I dont have schizophrenia but for me to trying to act normal is the hardest thing.
Has any medication helped?or do you have any physical symptoms

MAry

Hi trace, Im diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder and some of the things you said , i can relate to. I used to not swallow my meds and that just made me sicker. You definately need anti-psychotics. Trust me i've heard it all before, all of what you're saying doesn't surprise me as i have lived through a similar thing. I know it wouldn't be EXACTLY the same.

Your dad needs to be on meds too. You also have to go through a trial period because some meds might not work for you.

You said you wouldn't go down the meds road again but thats because you tried them and they didn't work. you were supposed to try a different type of meds then hopefully they will work.

I know what its like to trust noone and i dont care if you dont trust me you can ignore me if you want but im just going to tell you please keep seeking help and take your meds. if you dont you will get worse. IVE been there done that. And dont use any more substances ie drugs pot etc they make you worse. Did you know one smoke of marijuana can set these things off. That's what happened to me.

good luck to you