Iâm and Italian 40 years old âgirlâ. Two years ago, after what I thought had been 10 blissful years of marriage, I became attracted by a friend that I used to run with (we belong to a running group). Besides running together, we had exchanged email addresses and started chatting on computer, thus getting to know and appreciate each other more and more. Nothing physical happened for about a year. Let me tell you, before I go on, that for 13 years, together with my husband, I belonged to a very strong religious community (Latter Day Saints). Our whole life turned around the church, but I was happy about it. My husbandâs job kept him out of town during the day. We hadnât had children, notwithstanding all our attempts (included in vitro fertilization and adoption, for which we were supposed to wait two more years).
Anyway, when I figured out I had fallen in love with A. I candidly talked about it with my husband: probably, had he shown some jealousy, things might have ended differently, but he acted as if I were ill, and in a way I felt myself as if it were sort of a bug that I couldnât get rid of... In the end, I decided to take a trip abroad and spend a month with friends belonging to the same religious group, also getting psychological help. When I came back I though I was whole again, but the very next day I felt compelled to go and find A. He had had a rotten month himself, unsuccessfully trying to forget me, so in the end things got even worse and our relationship became also physical, leading, in about 6 months, to breaking up with our spouses and going to live together. Nevertheless, things havenât been exactly perfect since then: daily living together brought up the sides of our personalities that hadnât shown during our âperfect storyâ, but the main reason was, and still is, that I canât help but live with huge feelings of guilt for having abandoned a man that loved me with all his heart and adored whatever I did, plus my religion, whose standard I wasnât living up to anymore.
I actually donât miss neither of them, I just feel like sh** because of what I did: this makes me act childlike toward A: on one side I feel that heâs all that is left in my life and cling to him constantly, making him feel pressed and breathless; on the other hand, I constantly feel that I should end our relationship, but I love him deeply: itâs just that I canât live this story in a relaxed, serene way. Iâm aware that in any case things could go back to what they used to be, but still I canât help acting the way I do (feeling bad, making him sense it, and, thus, questioning our relationship and putting it to trial).
I need his CONSTANT attention and love, to be cuddled constantly, and if, for a day, I feel like heâs not paying attention to me, I start making up stories that hopefully will get him jealous, so that heâs interested in me again. But these things only make him angryâ¦
I didnât use to be that way with my husband at all, but after all my husband was dependent on my love as much as Iâm now dependent on my new partnerâs love (infact I find myself saying and doing many things that my husband used to tell me, live âI need youâ, or âI canât live without youâ).
I got to the conclusion that Iâm codependent, but is it possible to start being such from one day to the other?
What really confuses me is that I had great parents, who loved and took care of me, but I know I lack self confidence and self esteem, all the same.
Please, help me.
the reason why you are overwhelmed with guilt is because you have cheated on your husband and left him for another man. This is serious.
You cannot expect to make a move such as that without repercussions. You cant just hurt someone who you say was a wonderful person whom you say you shared "10 blissful years of marriage with". What you did was wrong.
when you commit to marriage, you commit for better or for worse. so when you started having an emotional affair and then afterward a physical affair you were violating all the things you promised to do when you made your vows.
You are trying to blame your husband too, by saying he did not react like he was "jealous"- no, you are trying to justify yourself and make an excuse for your actions.
Dear, simply put, what you did was wrong, and a betrayal of someone whom, reading from what you wrote, deserved none of what you put him through. So what you are experiencing now, is justly the direct repercussion of your wrong actions and is your fault entirely. Sorry but i cannot sympathize with you.
I will say no one has walked in your shoes, and therefore this does not come in a judgemental way.
However, cheating on a spouse, especially if you are/were LDS is a major offense. Your whole culture and marriage were based on sacred vows to your husband and to the Lord. Being co-dependent doesn't just start overnight, but can change form and be more apparent in different situations, so it is my guess that you have always been so.
Advice: Seek out some professional counseling no matter if you intend or don't intend on staying in your current situation. You need the counseling to help you yourself. Remember that you are a special daughter of your Heavenly Father whom loves you very much! Christ was sacrificed for our sins and so that we can be forgiven for transgressions, no matter how grievous. You know the truth and if you were/are a member of the LDS faith, you know in your heart and soul that you need to confess your sins to your bishop and start the healing process. YOu are NOT the first LDS woman to cheat on her husband and become divorced. Please find time alone to pray to the Lord to ask forgiveness and also to ask for strength to do what is right.
You may also consider, after going to some counseling, asking forgiveness from your ex-husband or at least trying to make ammends some how.
Life is based on choice and accountability. We were all given that right. Please make the choice to do what is right and before long, you will be feeling better because you will have the Holy Ghost with you again and you will be blessed even more. Make no mistake, no matter how you feel about yourself and no matter how wonderful your partnership is right now, unless it is sorted out with God, you won't be able to feel good about it.
I'll remember you in my prayers tonight and I wish you all the best.
what goes around comes around! you now know how your husband feels.
the worse thing is to be co-dependent on a man, you should be this way with your religion and not a man.
i've been raised in church my whole life and i feel like you shouldve ignored that man, when you felt as though you were getting strong feelings for him, you shouldve stop emailing him, seeing him, and whatever you was doing.
if this was your husband in this situation, you would expect the same from him.
on the other hand
have you heard of the saying "let go, and let God'
you have to ask God to forgive you, and heal you from the deep guilt that you feel. we are humans and we all make mistakes. you have to go on with your life, and forgive yourself because you are making your current boyfriend miserable, and this could snowball into something bad.