I get so friggen lonely here in my room, doing the same thing day after day, night after night. At first I thought i wanted someone to talk to, although At this point im not even sure if its talking i want, it is more just this intense feeling of depression, a feeling as though im missing something, and that this something will magically make me happy if i was able to find it. Of course, it was only the natural progression of thoughts that led me to the question of "what am i missing?"

At first i thought i wanted to just chat with anybody, so i went on a chat website. when i got on there, i realized that chatting with some stranger over the internet wasn't what i wanted. I still didnt have anything to say and the chatroom remained silent, and the feeling only got worse.

I'm also chatting to the occasional friend or two that shows up on AIM, but that doesnt help either. he talks about video games and i respond, acting like the me that people who know me know me as. the me that tries as hard as it can to act like a normal person, the care free me. the care free me doesnt exist, and watching him chat to my friend on AIM was not what i wanted either.

I really just dont know anymore. maybe there is nothing that i really want, perhaps its all just a hopeless wild goose chase created somehow by my subconscious mind. regardless of whether or not im "missing" something or not, i have been feeling pretty bad lately, and i cant figure out why. nothing i think is positive anymore and im getting tired of it all. i wish that suicide was a viable way out, but i simply dont have the heart to do that to either my mom or my dad.

it only makes it worse that i think this thought a lot, and no matter how much i think it nothing will change. no matter how much i want to i wont ever commit suicide, and i wont be able to stop the depression either. basically im stuck with this feeling for as long as i live, which is what makes me wish i would just man up and shoot myself.

help?