Hello. This is long, and I hope that
someone can help me make some sense out of
it. I am 21 years old and just got out of
my first relationship, a year with a 28
year old guy. He had red flags in his
past, for sure. Two failed marriages and a
daughter he doesn't see or support.
However, he had just started going to
church, and I thought was really trying to
make positive changes in his life. Also, I
wanted to "help" him. Anyway, I said I
loved him first. I was drunk...and it was
way too soon, but we started saying it
very quickly. We were saying it before we
even officially started dating. He came
around a lot. It was more than I was
comfortable with at first, but I got used
to it, and liked it. When my mom kicked me
out...which lasted like two days...he
offered to let me move in with him. This,
again, was before we even started dating,
and I was so impressed with how kind that
was of him. He even offered to help me pay
for school if she stopped. He did all
kinds of things for me...really nice
things...he is the kind of guy who'd be
there for anybody in a second...and not
just young, attractive girls...he just
genuinely likes to help people out. This
was something I really admired about him.
I think, now, I might have taken advantage
of that...he had a very "daddy" quality to
him in that way. He really started to
change, and I felt like God was doing
amazing tihngs. He went to church with me,
stopped stealing from the store where he
worked, even enrolled in school. The first
time I ever felt like he was "mean" to me
was when he told me I was the most selfish
person he'd ever met. Well...my mom seemed
to agree with that, so I tried to change.
I really felt he was helping me to be a
better person. I had sort of a snobby view
of the world then...people who didn't go
to school were "trashy" and not as good. I
don't think that way anymore, but I did
sort of take him away from his
friends...mainly cause they were mostly
exes or girls he had slept with, and I was
jealous. The first time he hit me we were
fighting, probably over one of those
exes..I was really insecure about it, and
I tried to take something from his hand.
As a reaction, he punched me. I should
have ended it then, but ended up being the
one begging him not to leave. This was
within three months of our relationship. I
was leaivng in Sep. to study abroad in
France for four months, but we decided to
stay together. While I was in France, he
was great. He called/emailed all the time
and we talked about how we wanted to get
married. When things went bad for me
there, he was my support system. He even
lent me money and made special efforts to
call me on my birthday. When I got back,
we were thrilled to see each other. The
second time hitting was involved...I HIT
FIRST. I sort of yelled at him in his
face, he said I STRONGLY SUGGEST YOU DONT
DO THAT AGAIN, and to prove I wasn't
scared of him...I slapped his back. He
punched me in the lip. the third time
violence was involved, we'd been drinking,
and he slapped me when I revealed I'd
stayed at a guy's house after a party when
I couldn't get a ride. I did so many
things worng myself that in my head, I
feel as if he was this perfect boyfriend,
and I deserve whta has happened...not the
hitting but everything that went down this
summer. I cheated on him...not sex but
dates and kissing...I would have been
reall y upset if he'd done this, but in my
head, I reasoned it was "okay" cause he'd
already gotten to do all these things and
I was goin to marry him...I wanted a
chance to see what else was out there to,
but I didn't want to lose him. He was the
first person I slept with, and I had a lot
of guilt thanks to my christian
upbringing. He NEVER pressured me and
waited nine months to have sex. I really
respected him for that. Aferwards though,
all my issues came up and they were "too
much" for him to deal with. He got so mad
at me for not being able to make up my
mind....like I'd want to stop having sex
but get really down on myself when I'd do
it. I was also down on myself for drinking
so much and everything, but I'd still end
up doing it...which made him really mad.
He didn't like me being so "wishy washy".
I think he just got sick of me, and he
broke up with me at the end of May. I felt
like everything was my fault...I don't
know if he did that or if I made myself
eel that way. I should have let it end
there, but nooo. I begged him to come over
and drink the night he broke up with me.
He did...and we continued kissing, making
loving, etc for like the whole summer. IT
WAS HELL...so off and on. I wanted a
clearly defined relationship or a break
up...one or the other. I'd tell him to
either be my friend or date me...and when
the boundaries weren't kept, I'd leave
only to come crawling back...begging him
to be my friend again. I felt so abandoned
and scared I did crazy things..I even told
him I was raped when I wasn't...hoping
he'd rescue me and come back. Stupid, I
know. I showed up at his house uninvited a
few times, which pissed him off even more.
He'd call me drunk...sometimes lovin me,,
sometimes hating me. I tried to kill
myself, and he simply called my mom and
refused to take any of my calls. After
that, he said he wanted nothing to do with
me, but called me back three nights later.
I think both of us wanted out, but didn't
really at the same time. He also belittled
me a lot...calling me stupid for losing
board games...but like stupid and retarded
a million times in one day. My job was
stupid. I talked about work too much. It
was annoying when I was "too happy" about
something. I could annoy him when I wasn't
even doing anything!! He was also violent
when drinkin....breakin things...telling
me he hted me...even kicking me, but I
felt like it wasn't his fault, it was the
alcohol. SO CONFUSED. Things ended badly.
I told him again that I couldn't take all
this saying he loved me but not being with
me. He felt like that was perfectly okay,
saying he was just "testing the waters".
He told me that was a "freak out" and we
didn't speak for four days. When I called
him crying about how much I missed him, he
just told me he didn't care about me and I
needed to find a friend and he didn't love
me. I'd heard this before when I was at my
saddest too. Anyway, things ended
horribly. I showed up at his house that
night after having caught a ride with a
total stranger...stupid I know but I felt
so desperate to be there. The stranger had
a gun and Eric had to give him money, etc.
Later that night, when I was freaking
out...begging him to love me...he called
the cops on me. He didn't press charges
though. Thank God. now, he just thinks I'm
nuts...and I've done things that sound
like it. I think I might have BPD...but in
my head, I've got myself convinced he was
perfect, and I somehow caused all this and
lost somebody who was great to me. I know
I probably need counseling...and Iwant to
make some sense of what happened. I was
abusive in some ways too...jealous,
controlling, not liking him to go out with
hisf riends. I wouldn't PREVENT it, but he
knew I didn't like it. I just want someone
who maybe has some idea of what happened
or what was going on to help me sort this
out. Thanks in advance
oh and we went ten days without speaking,
until I called him. I don't know why I
have this urge to be with him. I feel like
I need to be "forgiven". He informed me he
was going out with girls from
school...told me this is what happens when
you treat everybody like dirt...and said
that he dind't leave me cause of my mental
problems, but because I was trying to drag
him down with me. I won't be calling
again...I am forcing myself to move on. It
just hurts to be "thrown away" and that he
thinks everythin is my fault and is just
moving on with his life happily. He is
really done with me this time, and I don't
know whether to cry or jump for joy.
Abusers don't usually leave, do they?
Aren't they the ones who beg their victims
back? Well...why am I the one begging? Am
i the abuser? I am also the first girl
he'caca. His ex wife said he neverh it
her, though she did dodge beer bottles
thrown at her. PLEASE HELP! At least its
over...
