Before i begin, i think its important to
note that there is a history of both
depression & generalized anxiety in my
family & bipolarity & social anxiety in my
boyfriend’s.
My boyfriend & i began dating about 11
months ago. We fell very quickly in love,
he a graduate student where i was
attending undergrad, & spent almost all of
our time together. We were both very happy
& very in love. We had occasional fights,
but we were so happy otherwise. I had
already signed up for a study abroad
semester in the spring, & had to finalize
the decision a week after we began dating,
so i agreed to it. While i was abroad, my
boyfriend & i fought often. I felt
insecure being so far away from him.
However, he was good to me, writing me
comforting emails & always being
understanding during our calls. There were
many times when i pushed him away, hoping
he would come back. Sometimes, he, too,
would overreact to small things, though, &
scream at me, later apologizing. We always
forgave each other. I have generalized
anxiety, & throughout it, he was
understanding. However, when i finally
came home for the summer, (we live a 2
hour drive away from one another), he
slowly became more distant from me. It
didn’t make sense to me, because if he
were to become distant, i would have
assumed it would have been while i was
abroad. Having decided that he didn't want
to pursue teaching as a career (his
graduate program was in secondary
education), he became extremely depressed.
He had to move back home & still hasn't
found a job. Over the summer, his
sweetness towards me began to lessen,
although when he was loving, he was still
very much so. His moods would fluctuate
between depression & irritability & mania
& "feeling nothing". He blamed me for his
moods, constantly talking about "what i
did in denmark." i often asked, please
just distinguish when you're depressed &
when you're unhappy with me. I suppressed
all of my anxieties & concerns to support
him, but was often met with mixed signals:
don't call me so much & why didn't you
call me yet today, kinds of things. I was
patient with him, loving, & learned to
deal with my anxieties so that if
something was wrong, i would try to talk &
never accuse. I felt like i "owed" it to
him, (which is why i unfortunately endured
a lot of his moods unquestioningly).
Recently, a friend of his offered him a
publishing job in new york, (we both were
planning on being based in philadelphia
next year), & on a whim he decided to do
it. I was nervous about the experience,
although happy for him- we have waited
months now to be together- it hurt me.
Here is where it stands:
last week, early in the week, i visited
him. He took me out to an expensive dinner
& a night out, & we had a really nice
time. He told me he loved me, was still in
love with me, enjoyed being with me, &
that new york, alone, wouldn’t break us
up.
The next day i called him upset about the
new york idea. I told him i supported him,
but i was worried about the relationship.
He insinuated that he wanted to break up
with me. I called him later & said if he
needed space, then he could take some
space.
I didn't call him for one week.
When i did finally call him back, he
sounded completely depressed. He said that
he had barely gotten out of bed in days &
that he hadn't pursued the new york job,
yet. I, by then, had had my own nervous
breakdown (which i didn't tell him about)
& simply said that the time was good for
me, (as it helped me get some clarity on
the situation), that i was going into
therapy, myself, & i felt positive about
it. I told him we should take some space
for a while, casually talk, & hopefully we
would date again, if it were meant to be.
He said okay. I told him that i would
always support him, that i had wanted to
stay with him this summer to support him &
that he should know that he wasn't alone.
I called him the next day, & he didn't
call back, but sent a text the next
morning (today) apologizing. When i called
him, i asked him, are we dating more
casually or are we on a break? I felt like
we needed to be on the same page about it.
He said, you asked for a break, so i don't
know. He said he didn’t see much
difference between casually dating & what
we were before- long-distance. This
crushed me. He evaded the answering my
question & had to go because he was
getting his wisdom teeth out today & was
leaving.
I love him. I believe, truly, that he
loves me. I could not seriously date him
again unless he sought therapy- having
read a lot of literature about it, i think
he is bipolar. Other times things like
this have happened, he’s come back to me
saying he doesn’t understand how he did
what he did. But now, i don’t feel as
confident about it. How do i make it
work? How can you be long-distance on a
break? It seems contradictory. It shows no
signs of ending in terms of the
long-distance. Please don’t just tell me
to "move on". Thank you so very much for
your help.
