i'm new here, 22 weeks pregnant with my first baby.
i've been married for 13 months. the pregnancy was not planned.
i'm not gonna go into details because this post would be at least 10 pages long, but to give you an idea of what i'm going through:
i moved to bulgaria in january of 2006. i got married here to a bulgarian that july. we conceived in april. now we're scrambling to get him a visa, which is enough of a pain in the ass, but my hubby is a nurse and has to go through SO much to become licensed as an RN in America.
now, before i got pregnant, i never so much as rolled my eyes at my husband. let alone raised my voice to him. we never fought. after i got pregnant, i started getting impatient with him, and when we started all the visa/nursing exams stuff, i got so overwhelmed. i can't begin to tell you what a headache it is for the both of us, and the worst thing is that i get so angry at my husband sometimes because i've had to help him every step of the way as he told me what he needed to do, but it turns out that he didn't really investigate things very thoroughly, and we have lost months of time and lots of money doing things the wrong way. today my hubby called me to say that the english language exam he finally passed last month after nearly a year of trying & failing was not even one of the exams accepted by the state nursing boards in America. and i got furious and asked why the hell he wasted so much time, effort, and money taking that exam over and over before he even checked to see if it was the one he needed.
instead of screaming at my husband, if i'm absolutely furious i just give him the silent treatment--i mean completely; i won't acknowledge his presence, i don't even look at him. won't discuss anything, not even dinner, or why i'm not speaking to him.
anyway, our situation is a bit different than most. i am unemployed in a foreign country, god knows where we'll even find the money for him to take his nursing exams. we barely have enough to pay for his visa procedure and then the plane tickets to America. and now we've got a baby on the way.
i know that i am unfair sometimes. i feel so completely hopeless, trapped, desperate, useless, pathetic, angry, frustrated...and i cannot take all of that out on my husband, though sometimes i feel like he's the reason for it--especially on days like today. my husband is NOT stupid, so how is he messing things up so badly? taking the wrong english exam, having ME email various state nursing boards, exam offices, ministries, embassies, etc. to answer a billion questions he has--all for his nursing career, when he should have started looking into this stuff last year (we were planning to move to America sometime soon anyway, even before I got pregnant) and now that we're rushing to get settled into a kind of life that would allow us to care for a baby, he's acting like a lost little boy, taking exams and things that he doesn't even need cuz he didn't do his homework?
sorry if all this talk about exams and immigration is boring, but those are just some of the things contributing toward my current depression, which i've had since the 2nd month of my pregnancy. i went from never being mean to my husband to shouting at him, saying things like, "F*** you, stay away from me, don't touch me," giving him the silent treatment for hours, being sarcastic and snappy with him when i do speak to him, etc.. most of the time i know he doesn't deserve it.
today it was just too much. i've had several "break-downs" so far--the worst was actually on our 1-year anniversary, which we spent on the seaside. i was silent and moody and burst into tears at dinner! anyway, today i had another break-down; i was so mad when he told me about the english exam that when he came home from work, i ignored him, muttered something about dinner, he made some smart-ass comment (he has only recent started doing that; even when i told him to f***off before he NEVER spoke to me in a bad way, but i guess i've pushed him too far), and i said, "F*** it," turned away, smacked his hand when he reached for me, and haven't spoken to him since. he left for a while and i started bawling. by the time he came back, i pretended to be composed but still remained silent.
ok, enough. sorry, i just really need to get this all out. living in a strange country away from my family with no close friends around, i feel so isolated, helpless. the partner who i should be turning to for support just angers and frustrates me. with all this visa stuff and all the research i've had to do for him to help him figure out how he can get licensed in america, i feel like i already have one baby and when this one comes along, i'll be taking two little boys with me to america.
i shouldn't treat my husband like this, but i can't help blaming him for a lot of the strain i'm under. how can i keep from lashing out? how can i make our marriage good again?
has pregnancy depression ever sort of ruined your relationship? i feel like the couple we were is gone forever, and we'll never get that back. i know that a baby changes everything, but beyond that, i don't know how i'll ever see my husband as i did before. i know i married a responsible, smart, kind man, but on days like this i see him as a lost, confused boy--Mr. Headless Chicken. and what i really need right now is support, stability. i fear i'll never feel like i can rely on him for those things again.
*sigh* help me?