Appearances Can Be Deceiving...

I've been desperately trying to find a therapist, but I'm having a lot of difficulty finding one that takes my insurance, is conveniently located, and has hours available that fit my schedule. (I guess most doctors don't care that many depressed people also work weekdays, and in my precarious state of employment I simply cannot take time off right now...*sigh*) I'm quite suprised that this is an issue considering I live and work in a major metropolitan area.

What the hell do I do now?

Can somebody please make the "Let's torture and alienate the heartbroken single people"day - errr, I mean VALENTINE'S Day - jewelry commercials go away? How am I supposed to not think about him when I'm constantly being bombarded by reminders that he gave an engagement ring to someone else? (btw - turning off the TV or radio is out of the question, my apartment is just too quiet and lonely without it...)

Ugh... please just make it stop!!!

Let me start off by saying I'm BP but hardly ever have mania. I've have literally spent years depressed, so I've got some experience here.

Geez, I'm married and those commercials drive me crazy because we couldn't afford a single earring from one of those stores let alone the heaps of diamonds they display.

I realize you don't want to leave your TV off, why not mute during the commercials? Who says you have to LOOK at them while their on and muted? Have a journal handy and write down what's going on. Let it out. Give yourself a break. Look at a magazine. Do the crossword in the TV Guide. Something. Anything. Step away. Go to the bathroom. Go to the kitchen.

To me one of the most paralyzing things about having a major depression is the inability to take action. I couldn't make a decision. I couldn't move. I could think most of the tiime and when I did what I thought about 24/7 was a litany of my (mostly imagined) failures. What did that do? It fed itself. It became a neverending tale of dire woe and my ailing brain accepted every word as the Gospel. OK, that was a really long way of saying that you need to learn to derail the thoughts that are arising about what you see in the commercials. One way is to literally tell yourself to stop and then immediately think about something positive. MAKE yourself do it. It will work but the important thing is that you DO it.

You can do this!

I wish it were that easy... really I do... but how do you force yourself to NOT think about something of great significance in your life? Doesn't trying to not think about it actually result in thinking about it? By the time I change the channel or hit mute on the TV remote, the thought has already been generated and trying to force it out only makes me feel obsessive (which I am regardless) and crazy. (The thought of him and what our failed relationship and his sudden engagement represents is always just beneath the surface anyway... I somehow manage to distract myself from it from time to time, but the moment the distraction goes away, he's back in my head. ugh)

Besides, what the radio station plays while I'm at work isn't under my control, so aside from leaving my desk or sticking my fingers in my ears every commercial break, I'm pretty much at its mercy.

...what a crock of psychobabble.

Those of us logical and analytical people who live in the real world understand that just thinking about getting a million dollar check in the mail instead of bills isn't going to make it happen. (That's actually an analogy made in the video. Seriously.) Oh, and when the question of "okay, but how...???" is asked, they pretty much address it by saying to not worry about it... the "universe" will figure that part out if you just keep envisioning it.

Um... okay... right... y'all let me know when the shuttle lands because you're obviously stuck in outer space.

Besides, (for the sake of argument) if the "Secret" really worked, she would already be out of the picture and my ex and I would back together and happily planning OUR wedding by now... cuz I've been fantasizing about THAT scenario all along.



Think about it this way... it's kinda like a sports injury... if you hurt your knee over and over and over again, eventually you have to stop engaging in activities that contribute to further injury.

Well, I'm trying to do that with my heart. I've worked and tried sooooo hard to have a meaningful relationship, and it ALWAYS seemed to backfire and leave me devasated time and time again. I just can't go through another heart break. I just can't.

Sooner or later you've gotta get your head out of the clouds and realize that "the power of positive thinking" seldom prevents reality from happening. The only magic regarding the "Secret" video is that all the hype is making the producers rich.

You didn't like what I had to say before (even though it works) (and yes stick your fingers in your ears if that's what it takes) you'll like this even less:

YOU have CHOICES here. This isn't all just happening to you. You are an active participant in it. Your anger and inability to move off the subject are the fuel that's keeping this thing going.

You have to ask yourself the hard questions: Do I want to keep obsessing over this situation? Do I have the energy (psyhic and phsyical) to do so? DON't worry about "why." "Why" can kill you because it represents what you have no control over. So you make the decision: do you want to spend any more time on something you can't change? Do you want to continue to feel like crap because of it? So far, it sounds like you're saying "Yes."

The guy dumped you. He's a huge jerk.
He hooked up really fast. He's an even bigger jerk.
Now he's engaged to the beast. He's the biggest jerk out there.

BUT, that doesn't mean you should sacrifice your life for their sake. Neither one of them is making themselves sick of their choices. Who knows, maybe they're enjoying your meltdown?? So prove them wrong and get out of the cycle you're in.

It may be psychobabble but it works. I see you're looking for a counselor. Sounds like a good idea. One of the things counselors usually do is provide you with techniques to change your thought patterns. You're right, the techniques a counselor gives you won't be as elementary as mine, but the method still works.

It's not that I didn't LIKE it... it's that I don't BELIEVE it. This whole mess is not my choice... You remind me of the friends "at the top of the well" in my previous post.

To accept a situation (it is what it is) doesn't mean surrendering to it (it is what it is BUT I'm going to worship at the altar of it until I use up all my resources and die. If not literally, certainly psychically.)

The situation you're in is ugly, no one disputes that. You say you can't believe it. You can't believe it, but it is. It happened. It's real. It isn't changing. Once you grasp that you're half-way there.

That leaves you with personal CHOICE. Your choices are: A) I'm going to fight this with all my might even though the situation isn't going to change and thus expend all my energy, be depressed and die bitter. OR B) This situation sucks. I hate it. I want to change it but I know I can't so I'm going to do what I can to deal with it and move on.

YOU choose: deal with what you've got or don't. Dealing with what you've got will get you better. Not instantly, but faster than dealing with it the way you are. The choice YOU'VE made so far is: I am in the middle of this situation. I hate it. It's all their fault. I'm going to make myself miserable because I want what I want even though what I want isn't happening.

I'm not saying you've chosen to be depressed. That's a bunch of crap. I'm saying that you have chosen to stay stuck where you are.

It is said that depression is anger turned inward. Turning all that anger inward will also affect your body.

So what I'm saying is a crock of psychobabble? Maybe. It's also probably too Pollyanna-ish for your liking.

What it is, is true.

I didn't mean I didn't believe it was happening... I'm totally and fully aware of every bit of the crap. Rather, my reply was in response to your statement:

"...You didn't like what I had to say before..."

When I said it wasn't about not liking what you had to say, it was about not believing what you had to say. I didn't mean I didn't believe what's happening in my life, I meant that I don't believe your statements that someone can just "not think" about a person they are in love with.

Just like my friends, you seem to think it's as easy as just "snapping out of it" as if this depression/obession were a conscious decision I'm making... I can assure you it's not. (And if I sound annoyed, I am... I'm sick of people thinking this is something I can just "will away" if I'd just set my mind to it.) I need something a bit more substantial than "just deal with it." It's not about what I think, it's about what I FEEL! Can you tell me how to stop loving him? (And don't tell me to just CHOOSE not to love him... that's not an option.) Can you tell me how to not be scared to death of relationships (and subsequently lonely) because I just cannot handle another failure?

Take the well scenario above and change "Just climb out" to "just deal with it." Even if she does attempt to emotionally "deal" with the fact that she's stuck in the bottom of a well, it doesn't change the fact that she's stuck in the bottom of a well and can't get out...

Just forget it. You obviously don't understand the depth of what is ailing me and you can't help me. (I should be used to it by now...) Thnx for trying.

We're not on the same wavelength here . . . I really am trying to offer you guidance from an old "pro."

About my technique of stopping thoughts and distraction, it does sound overly simplistic. It can be quite effective. I've used it successfully for years to assist with recurring thoughts of childhood sexual abuse.

By no means did I mean to imply that you could "snap out of it." I've been on the receiving end of that remark many times. It only made me feel more helpless and responsible for my own pain, which I wasn't (and neither are you).

You still love him. It's easy to understand. Do you love him and accept he's no longer yours? Or do you love him and plan to pine away the rest of your life? Look, love isn't rational. In the long run it would be boring if it was. I still love my ex-husband and he was a serial adulterer, alcoholic and a drug user. Yet, I dream about him 15 years after the divorce even though I'm married to a prince of a guy. I wasn't going to get married again after the first go around, either. Then I met my husband and it all went out the window. It was easier to at least sometimes forget about ex #1 because they are two completely different individuals. In other words, #2 doesn't remind me at all of #1. Sorry, I got off track but I want you to realize that their is life after a catastrophic love event.

Maybe you're looking for a complicated formula. There are plenty out there, but why not start with the easy stuff? If you can, check out a local bookstore. They're full of books and workbooks to help you through depression. If you can't afford that, hit the library. The internet has lots of information, too. NAMI and DBSA are two excellent resources. This would give you some relief while you're waiting to see the counselor and you're in desperate need of relief. It really sucks to walk around all the time feeling like you're dead/dying/tortured/misunderstood/ready to explode/cursed, etc. . . . .

I really am trying to help you out. I have nothing to gain by f-ing you over. It would be bad for you as a person and bad for my karma.

You've got some b*lls implying that I don't understand the depth of depression! How galling! How sanctimonious!

You're the only one who's ever suffered? You're the only one who's ever tried suicide? You're the only one who's destroyed lives because of their depression? Lost jobs? Lost the family's money? Lost EVERYTHING?

Now you've got me going because nothing p*sses me off worse than someone thinking they're the ultimate sufferer from depression so no one else can possibly understand what they're going through! What a bunch of unmitigated BS! Each sufferer carries their own burdens. A little compassion for your fellow man would be good for you about now. Understanding that others have suffered as badly as you, or even worse, can be consoling because you see that they made it through. You're given that tiny glimse into the hope that perhaps you can, too.

I spent the last hour trying to word my last posting so you'd see I was really intersted in your well-being. I still am, but until you're ready to be helped, no matter what form of help is offered, it won't satisfy you.

It would appear, then, that you're currently in love with your depression. It's an ugly, but common phenomenon. I did it. I've seen many others do it. The depressed individual becomes so comfortable with the state they're in, even if it's one of misery, they no longer try to come out of it. Unfortunately, at that point they start bringing others down with them.

Yeah, my experiences may be turning me into a pessimist; however, you're still WAY off base (despite your assertion, I'm not in love with depression... I hate it... I'm here actually seeking REAL help, not just "the power of positive thinking" psychobabble) and I can tell by your statements that you don't truly understand what's going on with ME.

So unless you can refer a doctor in my area that takes BCBS insurance and can work with my schedule, just forget it... I don't need the extra guilt. Thanks anyway.

The manner in which I said what I was trying to convey was unfortunate.

I wish you well. You deserve better than your current experience.

Good Luck

The wedding was a few weeks ago... I'm absolutely crushed. I can't believe the man of my dreams got married to someone else. It's still not "real" and I can't seem to get him out of my head, even though I know there's no reason to hold on to any shred of hope at this point.

You know, I actually take that back. It's not my head I can't get him out of (my head seems to know what the deal is) it's my HEART that won't seem to heal and is making me miserable... It's not as easy to distract.

Anyway, I can't seem to find a therapist or anyone to talk to who can/will really help me (believe me, I've tried - I even talked to my primary physician, but he referred me to yet another doctor who can't/won't work with my schedule), so I'm just going back to putting on the mask I wear in public so that everyone will think I'm doing okay...