Joined: 16 Aug 2007 Posts: 3 Location: Portland, Oregon
Lycan??? Posted: 08-16-07 06:48am
I have a few issues. I've got a history.
The worst was major depression with
psychotic episodes. It consisted mostly
of having vivid visions of catching
venison by hand, and eating it raw (there
was more to it than that, but I'm going
for brevity). I have ADD, and lil bit of
OCD. Yes, I have violent thoughts. Yes,
if I wanted to dwell on it long enough, I
could resume the mental state that scares
the piss out of ppl. I can feel it
waiting to resurface sometimes. Yes, the
visions have mostly gone away. No, I no
longer black out when I have them.
I guess the easiest way to say this is I
basically feel like a werewolf that can't
change into a wolf. I can feel the wolf
well up inside me, but I'm still stuck in
this body. Even some of my lovers call me
wolf. I growl sometimes, especially when
I'm tired, when I don't mean to. I know
I'm slipping, but it's just reflexive. I
like the taste of blood. I like licking
small wounds of my own, they just taste
good to me. I'm not trying to be cool,
I'm not trying to freak people out, I
CAN'T HELP IT SOMETIMES!!! I get into
fights with my brother about, he doesn't
understand why I do it, especially when
I'm drinking I'm really bad about the
growling and howling. it feels good,
right. I like it sometimes... it's a
guilty pleasure... I know i shouldn't
enjoy it, it makes me even weirder. But I
do. When merge with my feral side, I feel
alive. I'm still me, and then some, like
I'm the avatar for some wild spirit in
need of a sympathetic host...
This isn't a religious or spiritual
outlook... I'm agnostic, borderline
atheist. I'm not some hippy new age in
touch with nature dork. Am alone and
confused, haunted and torn between my
nature and what society tells I should be.
I've gotten help before. They all told
me they've never heard what I've told
them, and lord knows I held caca back from
them even then. But i've moved around,
and that caca's expensive, and I no longer
have insurance. I can still function, I
hide it pretty well in public settings
when I'm sober, or at least in a good
mood.
I don't even know what I want from this...
A chance to vent, I guess. No pity
please. Life sucks, I know. That's a
different section of the forum.
If some one professional reads this and
has some insight or experience with
something like this, it would be nice to
know. A name for it would be nice, though
I know the danger of trying too hard to
label it.
The only person who ever described things
close to what I feel is a nymphomaniac
stripper. She's nice, she's my friend,
don't pick on her, it will upset me. But
I'm not nympho, I'm a pyro and
destructive, I break things (no, i did not
torture animals as a child, I love
animals, some I just want to hunt and
eat).
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cansei de ser
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Sep 2007 Posts: 9 Location: , Australia
Posted: 09-18-07 21:47pm
The only thing I can think of is clinical
lycanthropy- "a rare psychiatric syndrome
that involves a delusion that the affected
person can or has transformed into an
animal, or that he or she is in some way
an animal" -according to Wiki. One of the
symptoms is that- "A patient behaves in a
manner that resembles animal behaviour,
for example crying, grumbling or
creeping."
That would explain your growling.
