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Controlling Husband That Always Yells At Me (Page 1)

I am at my wits end. I have a controlling husband, & he knows, because I have told him, I hate his yelling at me. He yells, swears, curses & blows up if anything goes wrong. Of course, it is always my fault because I am the only one around to blame.
I've been advised to leave.... but that is easier said than done.
He does have some good days, but they are few and far in between. Any one have a similar situation, with an answer to solution to someone that is pulling her hair out now. I am so frustrated. Help me please.
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First Helper wertyuiop
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replied August 16th, 2007
Experienced User
Tell Him to Go Pound Sand!
Well.....It depends on how long you have been together.

I personally, (25 years of marital bliss), have learned to walk alway when he decides he can not act like a mature adult and has to result to cussing and name calling.

As, when dealing with my senior mother. If you want to swear and get all puffy, than guess what? You just lost my attention! Good Bye!

My suggestion, put on a happy face, find something to make you think positive; cooking, cleaning, gardening, whatelver, but, ignore the negativity.

Don't let someone bring you down. We are all responsible for our own existence!
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replied March 29th, 2011
im going tho the same thing. he tells me he is going to pack my things and send me back to my moms and he tells me to wake him up at 9 but when i go to wake him up he yells at me and tells me i a fuc**** dumy and i need to stop being a child but in my eyes he is the child. i do everything around the house he dont do anything but sleep and he then compains cuz i didnt do something right. SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DO
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replied April 7th, 2011
Your husband sounds like a child who is throwing a tantrum - he is not angry at you, he is angry with himself and taking it out on you. Whatever you do, DO NOT take blame for his behavior and do not allow him to guilt trip you thinking things are your fault.

Reserve your self-esteem and self-respect otherwise it can get you into trouble within your self (i.e - depression, drug and alcohol abuse, etc). Leave the house and hang out with good people. People who know how to treat others well. Volunteer with your local community, maintain you sense of self-worth.

If staying at home and being active in YOUR life is not doable, maybe its time to separate for a while. I know it's hard to go back to family and a bit humiliating because you may think you've failed, but you need to know, you are not a failure. Relationships are hard - even the best one's have had rocky moments. It takes massive strength and maturity to leave someone you love who is hurting you. Take some time to sort through your feelings. It is very difficult to gain perspective when you are near a person like this. Also, this will give him time to think things through too. The space is important for both of you. Do not play the victim. Look at your actions too. Granted, he did ask you to wake him and yet yelled at you when you did (which was wrong of him), but how did you wake him? Were you respectful? If you cannot see yourself waking him in any other way when asked, ask him to set the alarm and tell him why. The name of the game with relationships are: being mature, DO NOT REACT to his anger (be thick-skinned), do not play the victim, and stand up for yourself without 2nd guessing yourself. 2nd guessing yourself will drive you to madness and will lead toward destructive behavior as well.

AND don't forget to pray for Jesus's help and get the support from your local church.

Good Luck girl, you can do it! You are Strong, Beautiful, Loving, Love-able, and a wonderful Woman. Don't let yourself think otherwise.
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replied April 27th, 2012
this post was very helpful for me...but where I am stuck at is madness already! I feel I could hurt my husband and not feel a bit bad about it! I torments me with some of the most hurtful things a husband could ever say to his wife...what do I do?
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replied May 17th, 2011
It's ABUSE
He's verbally abusive to you, soon it'll become physically abusive. You need to leave him now before it's too late. When you leave, he'll say sorry and say he'll never do it again, but it's not true. He would be nice for a week or so, but then it would start again, get out now. Don't trust him and don't go back to him, if you have kids, get custody, they shouldn't be around someone like this, and neither should you. There's someone out there that will treat you right and love you like you deserve to be loved, don't let him tell you different, it's his way of keeping you so he can keep controlling you.
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replied November 7th, 2012
My spouse abuses me verbally and physically and blames me or den
I am the same way, my spouse started with the snapping and biting my head off. In fact he still does. he has turned to physical abuse now also. He has blown all the money, so I cannot get away. My checks are having to pay bills. I need to get away, but financially I cannot, plus I have little ones to be responsible for, that I cannot just leave. Personally, he needs to go back to jail and longer than 3 hours. He lies and tells everyone it is my fault and accuses me of doing things to him first. he is always blaming everyone else. He has lost so many jobs because of his attitude and he definitly disrespects females. His dad disrespected his mom also, but that is no excuse. I have tried to talk to him, but he gets nasty and abusive.
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replied April 18th, 2013
how right you are ! I too have been married 25 years and 3 months ago we had a new kitchen fitted with solid wood worktops ... which now have some SMALL stains from simple everyday use ... my husband shouts at ME for causing the stains ! He enjoys the delicious meals I turn out for him though ! We have had 2 major fights over this in 3 months, so much so, that much as I love cooking, I think I will stay out of the kitchen. Do not like being shouted at. Or blamed. life is too short.
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replied April 18th, 2013
how right you are ! I too have been married 25 years and 3 months ago we had a new kitchen fitted with solid wood worktops ... which now have some SMALL stains from simple everyday use ... my husband shouts at ME for causing the stains ! He enjoys the delicious meals I turn out for him though ! We have had 2 major fights over this in 3 months, so much so, that much as I love cooking, I think I will stay out of the kitchen. Do not like being shouted at. Or blamed. life is too short.
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replied August 23rd, 2007
a
Great rid of him, im a bloke and i would never do that unless i was actually joking about.

I cant understand how some blokes are like that. Get rid darling. And start a new life. It canbe done and whenit does you will look back and think im so much happier.
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replied August 23rd, 2007
Experienced User
Bloke?
Pardon my ignorance, but what is a bloke?

If the person with anger issues is related to you through blood, so your stuck with dealing with them for life? What then?
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replied January 19th, 2012
A "bloke" is a British term for a "guy."
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replied August 23rd, 2007
Especially eHealthy
You chose the man, you can un choose him.

Leave him!! It's not worth the emotional pain. You will find a man who will treat you better.
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replied August 23rd, 2007
Supporter
Hi
SCREAM BACK???????? kinda works for me......I guess it depends on if you really love this guy and he loves you....if he has anger management issues and control issuses, he will NEVER change and things will always be this way. You have a choice to either live with him like this....cause we both know he AIN'T going for therapy....or move on. Yep, there are lots of BLOKES (guys) out there who appreciate a good woman. On the other hand, if you love him and can scream back, get all in his face.....knock yourself out..........its kinda like two little kids in a yelling match, but after a few minutes we both realize how damned stupid we've been and we're good! Laughing Feel free to PM if youd like!
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replied August 29th, 2007
Re: Controlling Husband That Always Yells At Me
Margaret1947 wrote:
I am at my wits end. I have a controlling husband, & he knows, because I have told him, I hate his yelling at me. He yells, swears, curses & blows up if anything goes wrong. Of course, it is always my fault because I am the only one around to blame.
I've been advised to leave.... but that is easier said than done.
He does have some good days, but they are few and far in between. Any one have a similar situation, with an answer to solution to someone that is pulling her hair out now. I am so frustrated. Help me please.


Hi. I have been there. I put up with it for 5 years. I put on a happy face and apologized. I cried a lot and that seemed to make him happy and he would go away. If I tried to walk away he would follow me. If I didn't get mad back at him it made him madder. If I did, then of course that made him madder. He always said he wanted me to be as "pissed off" as he was. I eventually just started laughing at him, and guess what, that really made him mad. At times he would beat my dog (mine before marriage) for almost no reason at all.

Anyway, what I'm trying to get to is that I tried really hard to make it work. But he ended up in jail (just overnight) a few times, and we ended up in court twice. And that was after the divorce and it was very embarrassing for me. I wasn't raised that way. Even if you really love him, like I did, and want it to work, it will never change unless HE makes a GENUINE effort. There are classes now for abusive spouses. Not anger management. I have heard and read that those types of people end up using the things they learn in anger management to be more manipulative and controlling. I'm not sure how that works, but it was on a TV special on domestic abuse. Usually they wont go to therapy anyway. I hate to admit this, but I still have love for my ex-, and probably always will. He held the deepest, strongest hold on my heart that I have ever known. Even now that I am remarried to a wonderful man! But even before I was remarried, I was much better off without him and the pain he caused in my life. If you decide to get away, you will see.

Please know that verbal and emotional abuse is wrong! See if you can find someone to talk to in your area. Look in the phone directory for a help line or shelter if you need it. But, if you do, don't let him know. That would probably make things that much worse.

I don't know about you and your husband. But I am 5'3" and 110 lbs. and he was 6'5" and 285 lbs. It takes a lot of guts to stand up to a man like that. But it was all worth it in the end. And men like that should learn something from their mistakes. I just hope that my ex- doesn't find another prey. But I'm sure he will.

Take care of yourself. Talk to someone. If you already have and didn't get help, then talk to someone else. Don't let the situation get worse.

Sorry that I went on for so long! I am very passionate against domestic violence. And, yes, screaming, cursing, and name calling is domestic violence. Someone had to tell me that. I didn't know that it was wrong. And I am a nurse.

Take care of yourself! Do what you need to do to make things better for you. - T

Feel free to PM me if you would like. I will be happy to talk with you more about what you can do to make things right.
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replied September 4th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Im sorry but that is emotional and verbal abuse. That is not ok! Put your foot down and let him know how you feel. If he doesnt consider your feelings after that then he never will.

Maybe couples counseling would help?
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replied September 4th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Have you tried talking to him about how he treats you? Yes it is mental abuse and you are the one that needs to decide weather to take it or leave it. One of my relationships started off like that and then it went to physical abuse. You are to good for this, please don't take it as it can really get worse. Maybe you can yell back in his face just so he gets a taste of his own medicine. In the long run, it is your choice and you must do what you feel is the right thing to do. There are much better guys out there! I wish you all the luck!
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replied September 22nd, 2007
Experienced User
I Waited 22 Years
I am still experiencing some residual brain washing and control issues from that marriage ...........how long are you going to wait?????????while your deciding you might want to read this book I found at my daughters THE FIVE LANGUAGES OF LOVE By Gary Chapman .........if leaving is not possible maybe there is a tool to fix it or make it easier ...good luck
wazzywoman /robin
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replied September 26th, 2007
Experienced User
I am in the same situation. It got to the point where it was just constant arguing because of it and I said something had to give I can't live like this. He offered counseling which I was just waiting for him to do and the counselor has advised him to go into anger management which he is willing to try out. I think that counseling would help as well as anger management. Good Luck
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replied December 31st, 2009
Hello- similar situation here. My man isn't much for name calling or cursing unless he's 'going there' but he does scream and get scary. I actually just posted something a bit ago- I hit him for the first time today while he was having one of his scary 'fits'. It wasn't the right thing to do and I'm kind of off topic- One thing that I would recommend is therapy. I/we have been seeing a therapist for 6 months now and although it is slow going- it has helped. Even if it is only answering questions about me/him and also helping me 'see the light'. My guy is from Asia- born and raised- so he does have the male dominated/machismo factor. I am a full blooded American woman with her own point of view and 'independence'. So it's been rocky. Therapy does well too because it not only helps the relationship (assuming it can be helped) but it also teaches you a lot about yourself and why you choose to stay with a person that has 'problems'. And- you're not a lone. Some times it's easier to love another despite their behaviors than to love ourselves.
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replied December 31st, 2009
Controlling Husband
To coffeeson - Good for you that you are both going to therapy. But if he was having such an extreme "fit" that you have hit him today (which you acknowledge is wrong), how much progress have you made? (I assume he didn't hit back, or you would have said so. If he did... whole different reply).
Too often, couples go to therapy and settle for promises of future change; real remorse is shown as CHANGED BEHAVIOR. He will NOT change unless he really wants to - and unfortunately, that's usually happens because he HAS to (that is, he doesn't get what he wants anymore from this behavior. Or the court orders him.).
As you yourself write, that is what the best therapist will help you figure out: 1)what he is getting from using this behavior (feelings of manliness? power? more attention from you? etc.), 2)why do you allow/tolerate this behavior up to a point (fear of losing this relationship? economic instability? perceived benefits outweigh the pain? etc.)and 3)what are the OTHER OPTIONS that you both have, and can learn to use, in order to make this a stable and loving relationship.
Good luck to you both, and may 2010 be the year that you both grow even stronger in wise loving!
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replied December 31st, 2009
Thanks for the good wishes. Yes- today was a very low point (me hitting him). No he didn't hit back. Although I have to say- I don't understand what is keeping him from it. When he loses control like that he's so full of rage and scary that I honestly don't understand how he could keep his wits enough not to cause bodily harm to someone (me)- although we've lost a few doors along the way. It might not sound like it- but therapy has actually helped. These instances are getting farther in between. I can't say that our relationship can be helped- therapy takes time to work and I don't know how much time we have. There's actually a lot more to our problem than I've stated- but that's a very lengthy post. I think one thing that makes decisions about leaving, etc. difficult in relationships is if the beginning was so good. Believe it or not- things used to be good. It was a slow process to this state. As far as your dilemma: Have you considered separating in conjunction with therapy? If that is financially doable or you don't have kids... Time apart and space for yourselves might be a step in the right direction. It might be a good time/chance to understand yourself and yours/his needs better and figure out what/how to set your boundaries. It seems you'd rather not leave- and I don't believe I have the right to say to you that you should leave him. But if his problem is enough to cause you mental anguish and strain on the marriage I think professional help is a good way to go. I hate saying 'last resort'... I wonder what would happen if you suddenly just said "I love you" during one of his outbursts. Would it throw him off long enough for guilt to set in? - and by no means am I encouraging you or anyone to be subservient to angry behavior! Happy new years!
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replied January 1st, 2010
I'm glad to hear that therapy has helped! Yes, I totally believe that in the beginning, things used to be good. It is sometimes hard to see where we (or a relationship) are headed; however, I know that our character, and life, are built upon many small actions that add up.

And I appreciate your kind words of advice, but fortunately, MY husband of 20 years is not a controlling abusive man. Unfortunately, I saw it all happening to a dear childhood friend of mine, and I suppose that's why I happened to look thru this forum. Because of my friend's experiences, I've become aware that it can happen to anyone, even educated , middle-class, professional women (my friend is a highly-respected registered nurse with a Master's degree who has supervised units, floors and entire departments at major medical centers).

For over 15 years, other friends and I urged her to get out of this marriage to a man that a court-ordered psychiatrist eventually called a "psychopath". She finally did, but not before he was able to alienate their only child from her (thru constant lies about mother to the child, and physically keeping them apart) and steal a significant chunk of her finances.

She kept hoping that he would change, and stayed and stayed and stayed while "they worked on things" (yeah, some therapy there 8-10 years into the marriage, but there were never any consequences when "he slipped"). In the meantime over the years, he siphoned off their money in unexplained bits and pieces, and also got himself a mistress (whom he promptly married when the divorce was final).

I don't want to give the impression that I'm advocating that you (or anyone else reading this) bail out of your marriage NOW because your life isn't practically perfect, or you both have some rough spots!

In fact, I'm a firm believer in demonstrating commitment to your marriage (like the song goes - "love is a verb"). I agree that professional help is indeed a good way to go (even for marriages that aren't in definite trouble).

But I also firmly believe that setting boundaries, and the courage and strength to stick to them are vital to your success. I don't know if you even believe in a Creator, but I do and I have learned a lot about Him. God defines Himself as a distinct being, & He is responsible for Himself - we should do the same. God has limits/boundaries, and we should also. God confronts sin & allows consequences for behavior; we should also. It is NOT "mean" or "unloving" or even "unchristian" to hold other people responsible for their feelings, choices and behaviors.

You said that your husband gets very scary when he gets out of control (although the instances are further apart). Because of that, and especially because of my friend's experiences, I just want to encourage you to be clear-eyed and realistic about what actual progress has been made.

Maybe your properly-set boundaries need to be strengthened and violations of the boundaries need to be enforced? That is probably best answered by you and your counselor. Or maybe you feel that progress is way too slow & you need a different therapist - some are definitely better than others. If you already have a relationship with God, I highly recommend talking to Him about this as well! And if you don't or you're not sure, but you're interested in this, Christian churches that believe in the importance of "small groups" or "home groups" are among the very best at helping you develop this relationship. (We go to a Vineyard church ourselves, but I know others that promote small groups). In fact, it was my friend's getting involved in a small church that ultimately re-kindled her love & obedience to Jesus (the psychopath had tried to minimize it during the marriage), and gave her the courage and strength to take many hard, but necessary steps.

Finally, you may have already read this book, since you wrote about boundaries, but if you haven't, or for ANYONE who has wondered how to answer someone who wants their time, love, energy or money, or wondered if you can still set limits and be a loving person - these are wonderful books! -
"Boundaries", and "Boundaries in Marriage", both by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.


Coffeeson, I pray that you and your husband will be committed to each other, committed to growing in love and wisdom, and able to again appreciate and enjoy the good things about each other. May you see more evidence this week of the good things that God wants to give you both - because He loves you both very much and has only good plans for you. May God be honored, and His Kingdom advance, and His will be done.

Don't feel obligated to reply - just know that I pray for you, and all others who are struggling to repair a marriage and struggling to do the right things.
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replied June 9th, 2012
problems in my marriage
i am crying as I read this...tis is my life....i blame myself....i don't leave.....i wish i had more courage
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replied October 9th, 2012
Abuse
I didn't have the courage either. But I went to therapy for 5 years. After 14 years of marriage verbal abuse, yelling, threats, withholding of sex and three incidents of physical abuse I finally walked out on him. They don't change. He still calls me names and says that I am evil.
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replied January 4th, 2010
Thank you for the good words. I wouldn't say I'm religious- but I do think there is a greater force working in mysterious ways. I think I might try a prayer- couldn't hurt! Thanks again! Hope all goes well for you Smile
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replied January 24th, 2010
vicious husband
my husband is vicious. He pretends that he is a wonderful person conversing with people who are in the church along with the pastor of the church. He writes an email called spiritual corner and send all of his friends the most inspiringly spiritual information, but he verbally abuses me and tyrannizes me. He also has cheated on me. I can't believe that I have stayed with him this long. He has been "found out" by many people but keeps acquiring new friends that think he is just wonderful. I just don't know what to do with him. He is such a liar and imposter that there are always new people who "believe" him.
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replied August 7th, 2010
I'm in the same situation have been for 17yrs....Lately it's become worse the yelling and calling me names he never says he's sorry oh god sorry never comes out of his mouth but around strangers and friends he has them thinking he's perfect...also haven't had sex in months I do everything for this man i cook clean wash his clothes even lay his clothes out for work and lay his pj's out and make his lunch everyday for work and make sure all bills are paid I work and my day doesn't end until he finishes eating so i can clean after him but now he tells me and his friends he doesn't know if things will work out for us.I don't cry not one tear because I'm tired of his abuse how can anyone that says they love you treat you so badly?No matter what it's all my fault and I hate having to be made to feel so bad...I'm close to just say I'm done find someone else to abuse i will never marry again I may date but this man has put me through way too much!
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replied August 25th, 2010
I got married later in life (47, 1st time) and met a gentle soul (so I thought). we dated for 2 years before getting married...I wanted to be sure waiting so long. The first couple of years were good...lots of fun. For the past 2 years we've been having money problems and we haven't had sex in 3 years. I thought it was me going through menopause, but after speaking to my doctor and getting my issues resolved, he isn't interested. Plus, any disagreement is a full on yelling session by him (and sometimes me)about how I don't respect him. Huh? He's run up a lot of debt with his business and has tried to hide it from me. I'm really exhausted. I wasn't raised like this. It's kind of sad, but I realize I must do something and the solution will be one-sided. I tried to go to couple counseling, but he says it's my problem.

As I read some of these posts from other women, it makes me sad that we are settling. I know there are good men out there.
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replied August 27th, 2010
Funny Sweetheart is now Angry Bear
I got married in 1972 so have been married 38 years. I have known my husband since I was 10 years old. He was sweet, fun and had a great sense of humor when we married. For the past 10-12 years he is angry all the time and blows up over everything. Screaming, cursing, hitting things. He tried to tell me how to do everything. When cooking, he will come look in the pots and say, This boiling, burning, overcooking, etc. Of course it is normal cooking. He does not cook. I am upset all the time and do not know what to do. HELP!!!
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