Oh god, the lady who takes baby pics at t eh hospital just called to see If I wanted hannah's baby pics before they were forever deleted and I told her "no they were the worst pics I had ever seen" and then i hung up the phone and started crying. All of the crap that happend to me in the hospital just came tumbling back down on my shoulders all over agian. I don't know why I just can't seemto get over it, but every time I think about the birth, the hospital and all of the crazy feelings that came after, I dissolve into a sobbing puddle of goo. Why why did she have to call me? I was having a fine sunny day. Why didn't they make her a birth certificate with her little footprints on it? Why did they totally destroy and ruin the very last chance I was going to have at being a mother? they took the whole thing from me, stupid bass turds. I hate them! I wish I could turn the clock nback and make everything right. I wish I hadn't been such a failure. I can't stand this. What the heck is wrong with me??? Why can't I have kids like real women do? Why does it keep getting thrown back in my face over and over again?
They screwed up and never made her a birth certificate. Her photos made her look like that fat guy from "My Name is Earl". I had a panic attack at the hospital, and left on the second day because the hospital was so terrible. I am trying really hard to get over the whole failure thing, but it's just so hard. I think I built up too much expectation in gving birth "the right way" and then when it didn't happen, my perfectionist personality couldn't handle it or something. I know this is my fault and I just need to get over it, but there will always be a part of me that will wonder what I could have done differently to get it right. I am sure I place too much importance on this.
You know what's funny? I saved the blank birth certificate for her baby book, but I haven't put it in there yet.
Some day I will feel better....
Thanks Bridget. It helps to know that someone understands.