I have had enough of people and society. This is my last attempt to communicate with the rabble that never understands me. I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound mean to all people but my anger is what sustains me. Please! There must be someone out there who I can genuinely communicate with! I had a baby boy on July 10th and I have been trying so hard to keep at least one piece of my mind so my baby doesn't have a psycho for a mom.
Yeah, that's right, I'm 19 years old and a single mom. I was extremely promiscuous in high school because I didn't fit with everyone else. I have very bad social phobia and low self esteem. I wanted sex all the time and the stupid thing is I never even enjoyed it. I guess it made me feel some kind of acceptance or love. Now, the father of my baby has ignored me, avoided me since I was 6 months pregnant. I never leave the house because I am so scared I will run into those horrible people from high school. To make myself feel even more ugly, my breasts are ugly because of breastfeeding, my face breaks out more, etc. I am so ugly and stupid. Whenever I am with anybody (which is very rare) I am worrying the whole time that I must be boring and wierd to them. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 4 years ago, no medicine helps, and its almost like one side of me gets me in horrible situations and unexpectedly I'll switch to a different side and that makes the whole situation worse and terrifying.
I don't know where to start. I can't claim to "understand' everything you are going through, but I can say i truly empathize. I have always felt like nobody "gets it". Now more than ever that is true for me. The fact that you are posting indicates that you want change. If all the meds and doctors you have tried did not help...try one more. 90% of the therapists i have encountered in my life seemed like morons. Not sure if they were or whether that is jus tpar for the course. All i know is that i was so close to suicide and decided to give one more a shot. He doesn't have all the answers, but he doesn't talk to me like I am stupid or incapable of making decsions that effect me more than anyone else.
I'm not sure if it's been too long or if you'll even see this, but hopefully someone will and will be able to relate. I was married at 18, pregnant at 19 and my son was born a few months after my 20th birthday. I was married to a very abusive man that would do horrible things that I won't even talk about to this day. The first several years of my son's life were very difficult for me! I had finally got the courage to divorce my husband and become a single parent. Which believe me was a better choice in the long run. I remember my son was very colicky and would scream and cry in pain for hours on end. I remember sitting in a rocking chair with him in his swing and turning the music up so loud in hopes that it would drown out my infant babies cries. I would sob uncontrollably and wonder what I did to deserve this pain. A day or two later I would be fine...well better. I would play with my son on the floor and make all the funny baby noises at him and laugh with all my heart. And I'd get the house clean, do all the laundry, and be this great outstanding mother. Then the next day I was depressed and sobbing again. I never felt like anyone understood the pain I was in and I would feel guilty because I felt like there was another woman or couple out there that could give my son the kind of parenting that I wish I could give him. Well, I'm 27 years old now and my 7 year old son loves me to death! I'm a good mom and though I'm struggling with bipolar and anger issues I'm seeking help. If I were to find out my son was bipolar I wouldn't stop trying to get him help no matter what. Because there has to be something out there that would at least help him to feel better than I felt all those years ago. So my point is this...don't give up on finding the right treatment for yourself! Do whatever it takes and do it however many times it takes. And when all feels lost and lonely and it seems like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. Hold your baby boy in your arms and tell him "your worth it". Because one thing I've learned in the last seven years as a single mother is that we can't fully tend to our children if we don't take care of ourselves first! Think of it like your a warehouse and your child/children are your stores. If your warehouse is empty you can't provide product for your stores to sale. What happens when you don't sell product in your stores? Well, they close down or suffer. So keep your warehouse (yourself) fully stocked so that you can provide fresh supplies (love and attention)to your stores (children). Hope this helps.
I was diagnosed at 14, ghad another relapse and got pregnant at 15 and had a baby boy. Had low self- esteem issues all the time and became promiscuous.had 3 more consecutive relapses in 5 years. When I turned 22, fell in love with the wrong guy but stayed faithful to him. Got pregnant, had an abortion i really didn't want to do. had a relapse, then got pregnant again with the same man. I kept this baby girl she saved me. So far I haven't had a relapse and I have never been this stable before. Although I wish I could be better. There's the challenge of having to go to work and still take care of her and still have to go to sleep. Sometimes i only get 4 hours of sleep a night... it's hard and i keep everything to myself. even when i go to my therapist. The father of my daughter, my ex-fiance passed away due to a health condition... i have so many issues going on but i have been fully functional because I have no "system" and I firmly believe that despite of ur illness or ur lack of capacity, there is no excuse. I used to always sulk, but now, i think of even the tiniest accomplishments i have and i get proud of it in my own little way. Be strong and hang on to every positive thing you've got...