|I have been married for almost 13 years now.
We had a family immediately when we met. My wife had two children from a previous relationship.
She left the relationship due to abuse.
We dated for about 2 years and then got married.
It has been a struggle most of the way.
Finances, time, etc. but we have made it this far.
I legally adopted both the children and then we later had another child of our own.
For about the last three years we have had some real issues come up.
We had been going to see a therapist when she had some suppressed events of her childhood come out.
She had been pushing me away for several months and I could not understand why.
It almost felt like she would not allow herself to become too emotionally involved to me or the relationship.
She finally came out and told me about some of the abuses that she had suppressed. (family related sexual abuses)
I have been trying desperately to understand and help her as much as I can.
Over the process of the last three years I do not feel that we have made any progress to become partners in life.
She seems emotionally detached from me.
I explain to her that I need her to talk to me and she replies with things like "there is nothing to talk about"
I ask her to talk about her hopes and dreams, she replies with "I don't have any"
I ask to talk about our future and she becomes silent.
I watched my parents divorce over my father being abusive toward my mother and myself.
I have talked with my mom about some of this and she suggests that I leave her, but I really don't want my children to have to grow up in a split household. And I really do love her.
There is a lot more to the environment that is related to one of our children.
One of our daughters has really been a troubled teen over those same three years. Drinking, drugs, smoking, attempted suicides, run-away etc..
Our daughter has been diagnosed with ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), Depression, by one doc as Bi-polar.
She has told her mother that I treat her badly multiple times, she has told mom that I do things that I haven't done. But the problem is that my wife goes with it, becomes angry with me for what my daughter tells her.
My wife is being treated for depression currently and when she takes the meds. she is a slightly different person. But she has neglected to take the meds. on several occasions and this then causes issues between her and I.
For the most part she is always on the defensive.
I could ask her what the temp was outside and it could cause a problem.
So recently I have begun refraining from talking with her altogether.
But this alone is tearing me up. I cant live like this. Her depression is literally creating a depression for me.
She started smoking. I told her how it made me feel and she has only dismissed my feelings.
I am as my name says. Lost...
|Thanks for the reply
Actually told her I wanted to help her? Yes.
I go to her therapy sessions when she says it's ok. I ask each time.
Have I told her that I love her? Everyday, usually many times through out the day.
When I ask her what I can do to help she tells me she don't know. And I believe that she don't know. This is where i see most of the issues start.
When I ask her why she treats me like she does, her response depends on the mood she is in that day.
Some days she is sad and answers with "I don't know why"
Others she refuses to acknowledge she has treated me that way.
And then on other days she tells me she treats me that way because she is sick of me telling her what she is doing or isn't doing.
She has told me she has started smoking because it helps her with her stress, and that she likes it.
As I said, any type of talking with her is almost non-existent because she is always in a defensive posture.
It has come out in a therapy session that she feels like I am treating her like a child and that I am the parent.
And to be honest, there are many times that I feel like I am talking with a 15 year old instead of a 36 year old when we, rather i attempt to talk.
It's the way she handles things. Most times she refuses to deal with things in an effort to have them disappear. As you can imagine, they don't disappear and then there is me always trying to resolve something so it probably does seem to her that I am always in her face.
|when are you gonna give yourself permission to bail and be happy ? how many more years are you up to this? will you wait til the kids are grown and then make a new life .........can you go on this way a little longer ???how much is too much ? another ten years ? three ? you can coexsist and watch her self destruct......or let go and let god ....maybe this is as good as it gets try a trial separation ....let her taste no husband to torment....no sounding board no one in her face ........a little taste of reality if things don't change......she is taking you for granted ....or love her as much as you do and wait it out .......love her where she is how she is and cope....its your life lost ...dont you deserve to be happier??????????yet ???
good luck best wishes with your hard choices sir .