hey Fairy*Godmother thanks for your words, i'm 17, it sounds as if you have some idea of this, how did you come through it? Could you ever imagine a time where you would be ok around food, without panicing?
Maybe i do have a thing about control, because when i restrict i feel an amazing sense of calm and it feels brilliant i love to see the numbers on the scale go down i get a sort of high from it, yet the moment i eat i feel worthless and i hate myself so i have to make myself sick in order to feel back in control of it, yet that in itself is a catch 22 because eating descends into chaos and all control is gone. I hate myself so much, i hate the way i am, i hate the way i am around people, i hate that i lie to everyone,i hate that i have to pretend all the time and that if people like me they like the false me and i hate that i end up hurting everyone around me so it is easier to cut them off and people think that i am cold. I want to change myself.
I know that it is not right to do this through food. I know, and if anyone else were doing what i am doing i would be mortified and tell them the same thing that you are telling me. I know this is messed up thinking. I know but i don't know if i can stop. I dont know if i want/need to.
If i did decide to be brave and went to the doctor what should i say? What would happen then? Would i be able to get help without having everyone find out? I got myself into this mess, so i need to get myself out. I am just scared, really really really scared.