Totally Confused: I should make a decision b/w two women !

OK, let me get this straight:

1. You and this woman dated for over seven months and she dumps you.

2. You move on and find someone new. Things appear to be going well.

3. The first one comes back after some period of time and says she misses "us" (whatever that means).

4. You frankly tell the first one you're not interested. Someone sends the second one an e-mail with untruths in it. From what I read, the second one gets angry and breaks up with you.

5. You don't know if you should go back to either one.

Questions:

1. How in the heck did the first one learn the e-mail addy of your then-current gf?

2. Did the then-current gf give you at least the benefit of the doubt and talk to you about this before you broke up? If so, what did you tell her?

My opinion, which is worth exactly what you're paying for it:

Skip the both of them. The first one is extremely insecure and will make your life a living heck with jealousy and possessiveness. She will play all kinds of head games with you and you will be miserable.

The second one isn't worth it, either, if she broke up with you because of an e-mail she received and wouldn't talk to you about it. It's up to her to apologize to you and get back in your good graces. You're not a doormat!

Avoid both of them, PERIOD!

Don't be in such a hurry to get involved with someone. Take time to develop a friendship first. That's the basis of all relationships (after all, a friendship is a kind of relationship). I know, we all want to love and be loved; but rushing into something can bring pain that could otherwise have been avoided. No relationship is without pain, even a friendship and that's the price you pay when you open your heart to someone.

Sounds like you've been through the wringer--take a breather for awhile and then test the waters.

HTH.

Good luck and please keep posting.

well first of all thank you for your opinon...its given me a lot to think about

I'll answer your questions that you asked so maybe if you read this you could maybe give more input

1. It wasnt an email address it was just a message on myspace (hopefully you know what that is)

2. the current gf had got the message a few hours before I got to talk to her and the first thing she said to me was "its over" i tried explaining and she didnt listen

and when you said "says she misses "us" (whatever that means)" she told me that not even a week after we broke up she was regretting it and she said she misses having me there and she told me that 4 months ago i think. And shes still waiting around...and i'm not sure if shes serious about us....because i dont c y she would wait around if she wasnt serious

And also when you said "Someone sends the second one an e-mail with untruths in it"...thats not completely true...because i do still have feelings for the first one


But right now i am just friends sort of with both of them....the first one tells me she cant hang around forever and she has to move on soon....but she said she loves me and always will and that that will never change

and the second tells me that she's not ready yet but that we will be back together sometime....but i dont know when that sometime is

I dont even know if I should listen to any of them...and i dont want to hurt anyone

Believe it or don't even some of us fossils know what "Myspace" is (I believe it's owned by Rupert Murdoch, isn't it)

Thanks for the addn'l information. Remember, you're not getting advice just perspective from one who's been there.

I still think that if the second gf still hasn't asked your forgiveness for flying off the handle you can still be friends with her but I wouldn't go any farther than that. It sounds like she doesn't trust you and without trust there can be no real friendship.

I'm also still wondering why the someone representing the first gf would post a message on Myspace (or whatever one does) causing the second gf to break it off. Are you certain gf1 didn't want to instigate something negative between you and gf2?

There are more than two women in the world; go out and make new friends (both male and female). Don't let either of these gfs pressure you into making a decision you'll later regret.

There are different types of love. Among them are the romantic kind and a kind of "filial" kind (as in sibling-type). There's another one (the name I forget, I think it's "agape"--Greek word) that is essentially that you value someone very much and would do anything for them, but you don't have romantic feelings for them. Your friendship has transcended the romantic and you are closer than you might be with a gf.

I have a male friend I've known for 28 or so years--I met him at my first job. We've been friends all these years and I love him very much for the person he is. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for him, even though we live 1,000 miles apart (I moved away, he didn't). He's been married longer than I've known him and I know I could never have him (we'd probably kill each other if we ever did marry ) but that's not important.

I've also been very fortunate to have other male friends that have been more like brothers--we could go to each other and cry on each other's shoulder and not let each other get away with being clot-heads. We could tell each other to "shape up" without getting punched out. None of us have ever been romantically involved--I think had we been it would have ruined everything.

That being said, you may want to try and ask gf1 what she means when she says "she will always love you". "Love" is a very tricky word and can easily be misunderstood. She may not know what she means--she may be telling you that she cares very much for you but her feelings may never progress beyond that point.

What advice would you give to someone in your situation?

Does this help any?

I dont really know if it helps...the last 2 weeks i've been thinking about this non-stop....i've been looking for any help I can get yet none of it has really changed

The 2nd gf (my most recent one) she still thinks I was in the wrong. Just one day about 2 weeks ago she told me she forgives me. And she still thinks i was talking to other women because i was looking for someone else to go out with. But this is totally wrong...when I was with her the only time i talked to other women was when i talked to the 1st gf but that was just because she emailed me and said she wanted to talk to me.

I still had feelings for the 1st one but everything was going great in my current relationship and I hadnt thought of anyone else...I was completely dedicated to this relationship...I still was until the other day.....I was talking to the 2nd gf....she told me she wasn't ready to be back together but that we will be back together soon....but then I also got the talk that she will always be here for me even if things dont work out...that we will always be friends...and that made me doubt things

My problem is that i've tried things with the 1st one for a long time and it worked perfectly but then ended for no reason....i'm afraid of getting hurt again...
But also I havent gotten to see will things work out properly between me and the 2nd one because something "external" prevented us from actually having a relationship

I just have to make a decision....I want to be with one of them...I just dont know which one

If i was going to follow my heart I would pick the first woman....but my brain is going crazy and i'm aware of what consequences that this could have...

I know most likely it wont ruin my life in the long run....but I could screw up the next whole year of my life....and i'm in a very bad place right now and dont want any more damn problems

I just dont know how to make a decision between 2 women....i've tried pros and cons....but that doesnt help....they are both 2 totally different ppl I cant compare them

I had made up my mind the other day and was going to pick the 1st one....but when i started talking to the 2nd one I could talk to here about it...she means sooo much to me.....

I'm still confused and it gets worse everyday I wait.....

Hello again:

You *are* in a ba way. I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. I think you're putting waaaay too much pressure on yourself and you have to make yourself step back from what's going on and look at it objectively.

So easy for me to say, right, since I'm not the one going through it. No sirree, Bob, I've been through this a few more times than you have. I know the pain of not knowing what the next day will bring. Of being between the devil and the deep blue sea, riding that emotional rollercoaster. You probably haven't been sleeping too well, either. I never did.

This is what I suggest:

1. Call in all the favor your friends owe you and hang out with them for awhile. If they're your friends they may be able to give you some perspective. At least you may be able to get away from your misery for awhile.

2. Find another way to occupy your time. Is there a favorite hobby or interest you have that you've been neglecting? Time to pick it up again and go at it with a vengance. Or start something--take up running or biking or something really physical (or study particle physics and explain it to me) that will just tire you out. Channel the negative energy you feel into something more positive.

3. Don't contact either one of them for awhile. I think your feelings are too raw at this point to be able to deal with either of them the way you really want to. This is probably the hardest thing of all to do because one, the other or both will keep popping into your brain and making you feel miserable. That's why you need to keep yourself busy.


No one says that you have to make a decision about either one of these. From what I'm reading, it doesn't sound like either of them wants a relationship. Gf2 still doesn't trust you, though you say you're innocent (and I have no reason not to believe you). She is O-U-T of the picture. No friend would cut you off for no good reason by taking the word of someone s/he doesn't know from Adam over taking your word.

Gf1 isn't offering you anything much, either.

You feel that these are your only two choices and they aren't. You're too close to the situation to think clearly about this. I know you don't want to get hurt again (getting hurt comes at any age and it doesn't get easier as one ages) but unfortunately that's the downside of a relationship.

I hesitate to bring this up because I don't want to come across as "preachy", but do you pray? I often find that praying helps a great deal if only to get a bit of peace of mind for awhile.

If you want to pm me about this, you're welcome to do so. I can't take your pain away from you much as I would like to. You have to go through this but you will learn some valuable lessons to help you in future relationships (from friendships through "true love").

Good luck and keep posting.

I really didnt think I would be posting this much when I started....but here I am again...

first of all thank you entices1 for your perspective up to this point and if PMing would be more convienient I would be more than happy to pm you...but i'll stick to here for now

To start I suppose I'll answer to your suggestions

1. for me to hang out with my friends....em....at this present moment I only have one friend and well he's like 4,000 miles away for the next few weeks...so thats a problem

2. occupying myself....i do try...but i spend my time working all day and then come home and play video games...thats like my only hobby right now...because i never really have done any one-person sports.....and then when i'm not at work or not playing video games....i'm hanging out with them...or talking to them or thinking about them *sigh*

3. and this one about not contacting them....then i've already made my decision if I do that....because gf1 says she has to move on....so we'll end up just friends...because we are great friends anyway....but the extra emotions are making things em....difficult i suppose

But I don't feel that these are your only two choices....its just i want to make a choice....i was planning on getting back together with gf2 but then gf1 moved back into the picture....and I still have strong feelings for her but also I don't know if i'll regret it if I let go of gf2

And about the praying....I haven't been praying in a while because....my life sort of fell apart...I even attempted suicide I just feel let down and have lost faith at this point in my life...but all that self-hate is behind me now...its been 2 months since that...and i regret that a lot....so i have tried to straighten out my life....but to tell you the truth I need someone I can really talk to and this 2 women I trust with my life...and I can to more than anything...and I dont want to lose that

maybe i'm just being selfish....but i really need to make a decision or let go...I suppose its really just up to me now

The PM was just a suggestion—up to you.

1 and 2. One friend 4,000 miles away for the next few weeks? It sounds like you definitely need to get out more. You don’t say how old you are, but if you’re of school age (secondary or above) school should be starting soon. Find something that interests you and join the club or organization. You may have to force yourself to do it but you might be surprised. That would help you keep yourself occupied.

Try and diversify your interests. Video games are fine and dandy but they’re not the same as being with someone. Pick a book and read, for heaven’s sake! Go to the library and spend some time just looking at what’s available. You might be surprised at what you find.

I’m more of a solitary person; I have a couple of friends at work and friends that are 1,000 miles away. We correspond by letter (yes, I still send handwritten letters, not all the time) or by e-mail. I knit a great deal (can be done solitary or with a group), I watch old movies and (this helps me a great deal) I have four cats. I’m also married but we don’t spend gobs of time together. Whilst I enjoy doing things alone it doesn’t help much when I’m sad or going through a crisis (which I am working through now). I work out at a gym and I don’t mind saying that I’m ready to drop when I get home.

3. Good for your about not contacting them. Of course you’re going to feel pain for awhile, particularly if more than one gf is involved. That’s why it’s so important to have friends around. They can offer you support and you can do things together that will take your mind off what’s ailing you.

As far as making a choice it sounds like you have made a choice—going your own way. It’s really, really hard to make that first step on your own, but you have the power to change your life. You are the puppetmaster, not the puppet. I know when I’ve gone through my sad times it’s been very difficult to realize that I can do whatever I want. And I have. When I broke up with my first “True Love” I did all the things we were going to do together and doing these things was cathartic. It made me feel infinitely better because I was accomplishing what I knew he would never do. They weren’t big things but they were important in my healing process.

As far as the praying goes, I understand about your feeling let down and that you feel your life is spinning out of control. I’m very happy that you’re on a journey towards healing in one aspect of your life. Still, there are more than two women out there with whom you can share part of yourself. You’re right, you have to make the decision on your next step.

And so what if you make a mistake? The world will continue to spin, the sun will rise. Everyone makes mistakes and that’s how one learns. And maybe one day you’ll end up being a supporter on this group and help others going through this point in their lives.

I do care how you’re doing. Please keep posting.

This will probably be my last post on here...the problem isn't solved yet but i will pm you entices if i need some more perspective on the subject.

So I think your right about getting out more. And I will because my whole life is about to change. The next 2 years are going to be different...I'm not sure if its a good different or a bad different yet...but hopefully I'll make new friends and try new things and most importantly have some fun!

But also i decided to make a decision between the 2 women...it didn't work out like I hoped lol...I decided I'd try with gf2 again....but then she said we can't right now cause we wont get to see each other much for the next 2 years

so i guess I'm girlfriendless for now cause I can't change my mind now....so i'm gonna wait see what happens

and listen to the lyrics of one of my favorite songs "somehow everything's gonna fall right into place"....lol I just hope that happens

entices is awesome at giving advice!!!

What I would do, (*after* reading most of Entices responses) is take a few days out for yourself and make the decision that you will be with the first one and cut the second one off. Put yourself in that mindset and that place.Do it. Right now!

Let it sink in. . .How do you feel? Do you feel wrong in any way? Do you feel you've made the right decision?

Now do it again only make the decision to keep gf#2 and cut the first completely off.Do it!

How do you feel now. Let it sink in though. Acting on decisions without actually acting on them works for me a lot of the time.

I hope this makes sense!

Entices is a fountain of knowledge and being likewise a fossil, I think her advice to you was spot on. Of course, only she and I and a couple of others here know what between the devil and the deep blue sea means.

On the other hand, us fossils usually have had a lot more experience at the art of love than you whippersnappers, and she is a very wise woman. Listen to her suggestions.

Not many people would take the time to return your long posts and give you so many answers and try to point you in the right direction. That means she is a person who cares what happens in your life even if you don't know her real identity. In many cases, that anonymity allows people to respond honestly to your problems precisely because they don't know you.

In the short run, following advice to not have contact with either girl might seem difficult. But, in the long term, it might benefit you more than you can imagine right now. Making a choice in your last post might solve your problems. Just remember what Entices said, That every crisis you endure gives you experience for the future.

Dump them both. If you can't make up your mind, than you don't really love either one of them. Sounds to me like you are extremely immature. Maybe you should not date for awhile, find out who you really are before jumping into another relationship. This isn't a put down, I just speak it like I see it.