Please please please don't type in all caps If your computer at work won't un-cap or whatever the excuse it, just press SHIFT while you type, it'll make the caps undercase!!!

I say leave him. You've already left him once and it was the smart choice. He drinks, he calls you horrible things when he's drunk (I recall your comment about what he said one night about "if you were 120 lbs and red head I'd f*ck you every night!") and that's just WRONG. You deserve better than his sorry butt.

1.
leave the gerk

2. stop all caps pretty please

first of all thank you for taking the time to read me ...my deepest apology for all caps his habit a bad one it must of been on when I tried to write that day ...
that being said the matter at hand .
He is sober. He is working. He is the man I am in love with or rather He is a jerk but He is my jerk ...
Leaving was not easy and it did not change the way I feel about him .It only got him to stop drinking .
everything is coming into place and if patience will work and more time is needed then I guess I just have to suffer through .
Is there not one other woman who is in my shoes ?
everything is wonderful the only thing is not enough intimacy.
I know not getting enough sex will not kill me but it plays hell on my self esteem and the emotional roller coaster hurts.
I am lonely for the closeness the intimacy brings and its like grieving a dead best friend .
I cry all night some times it changes nothing ..he is not moved by tears or anger or threats ...Its not in me to leave him.
I can imagine what a few of you will be thinking ...." then just shut up and put up with it " and if I were you I would say that too.or think it.
Look I was dumb enough or stubborn enough or maybe even considerate enough to stick out a 22 years marriage of convenience to get to this new life and its different not impossible .
this is what all that I have gone through was for. everything up to this point in time was for this point in time .
so many dots had top be connected and fall into place just so we could find each other,meet ,connect ... I am not into disposable people. He is worth the time and effort its gonna take to find a happy medium . drunks say things with the intention of hurting because they are hurting thats why they drink he is trying to drown something out of his life but it is not me .
This much I do know . He has trust issues because of other women ...
he has depression due to many factors ..loss of a child, failed marriages,failed relationships . he said to me also that I was so good to be true I scare him .he is gun shy . he wants to pour himself into me but is afraid to. I know how bad it hurts to need someone that much . telling him is not going to fix it I have to show him ..I guess this whole sex thing could be a way to test my commitment to him ....damn girls I just dont know . It just makes me so crazy all the time . progress is coming but its so slow .
my plan is to learn to compensate by self gratification though I loath it with a passion .But I can't through this baby out with the bath water. He is in there and when he is ready to come out of this he will be so squeaky clean it just might be worth the wait .
this relationship is going to test my metal and maybe I can learn about love .
Love is not the same as sex .
I watched a video once about a couple who through an accident on his part caused her blindness . she regained her sight but he had vanished .come to find out he gave her his eyes and then stayed blind in her place ............I want to love like that . this man is worth it to me and while it can look so bad by what I write ...It could be worse .It is not so for that I can be grateful . I am not homeless ,we have food .We enjoy each others company and can be fine saying nothing at all just being together . that does not happen top everyone. we look forward to being together when one of us has been away
we do everything together ,clean cook .errands ....its just this one thing about us I (I) keep tripping over . I dont want our sex to be like christmas . which makes me mad that I want more when every other thing about us is fine . To feel selfish for wanting more is terrible . I want to feel sorry for wanting to feel soo good . like I said . I am going crazy with this . god could it be pre menopause or some such thing ? ok . girls let me have it .........I appreciate all comments . you can't make me feel any worse than I do right now but just maybe some one knows this life and can relate to me ...that would make me feel better

I understand your feelings, but I have to just say this: I just ended a month or two ago a relationship that may people would consider "perfect". He and I never fought. Sex was amazing. He didn't drink, do drugs, smoke, nothing. He had a good job. Bla bla bla. But there were things that just weren't working for me. This was a 3 year relationship and we were engaged. But I KNEW that I could do better, and that the things that bugged me about the relationship, I could not live my whole life with.

I do not think any person should have to chose love or sex, and that's pretty much where you are. "He's MY jerk" says nothing to me except your fear to lose a relationship. I KNOW you can do better, god I know it. It hurts me to see you in this situation, putting yourself down constantly and wishing to lose the desire for sex so you can stay with this jerk!!