how many of you people out there
been hurt by some kind of love affair
and how many times do you swear that you'll never love again?

these r words from Stings ''Brand New Day" at the moment i am swear myself loneliness for ages. and i would like to trough out from inside of me the reason why i'm doing this.. so..

to be clear.. i'm 16 and i believe that teenagers at this age can, even need love.. teenagers nowadays seems to be so easy-going and not emotionally. but it isn't true. they want to look like this. they don't receive much love at home from parents who are busy or isolated like mine but it's other story.. so in my opinion every boy and girl 15 years over need somebody close..

so i know a girl. her name's Kate. she's 14. we know each other for round 4 years. she's very mature as 14 years girl. from the beginning it was strange relationship. she had known only me in gymnasium. we were close. she were visiting me many times. we watched films, fondle on the bed.. at least i falled in love with her. but she didn't want to be with me, couse she said i'm only a friend.. i don't wanted to still have this relationship couse i didn't imagine frindship when i'm in love.. i must say i didn't tell her that i love her. i told '' i care bout ya and wanna be with you.." maybe that's important, i don't know. well.. there was long time we haven't meet besides school. she's the most beautiful girl in the world with high IQ and low EGO so she fast found new "friends". but she still couldn't orget bout me couse she sends me mails regular, and i couldn's forget bout her.. well.. there was one disco when she meet cool,handsome guy (my good mate) and i saw them dancing all night. i wanted to show that i don't care so when other girls wanted to dance with Jarek (his name) i asked them. so we can say i helped Kata and Jarek.. spite myself. the mails from Kate stopped, she lead relationship with him like with me.. i've been very sad theese days, couse a lil bit i helped it. well.. Kate write to me one time or i write to her and we started to talk to each other.. i thought that i don't love her anymore so we could be friends, andwe become. there was a NY eve party in my house and there were Kata and Jarek invited. on the party Kate acted strange.. she sit me on my knees and hug me soundly.. she wasn't dancing at all albeit every boy in party asked her (Jarek mostly) i was sad couse it was my party and i didn't wanted anybody to sit i asked her. and she danced with me.. now old times has returned.. and i don't know i should be happy or miserable.. couse now i told her that i love her but she balance to be with me or to not. she tells she don't want to hurt me. but she hurts me to make me wait.. i can't understand her.. i beleive she don't knows what she wants.. now i decided to end this couse waiting is hutring too much.. and i think i'll have a biggest hole i ever had..


that's it.. sorry for all language mistakes i made
greetings, Conrad