well. My names jack im 18 living with my family who have no idea whats been going through my mind these last couple years. I guess ill begin when i was 16, i was bullied a lot at school everyday i would look for somewhere to hide from the fear of being bullied somewhere small, hidden from watching eyes.

Of course at the time being 16 shy and had no confidently in myself and what i should do. i ran and hid everyday from the bully's and eventually myself, i grew to believe everything they said to me.
My apparence my feelings were controlled by them after i realized i wasn't getting anywhere in school i convinced my mother to allow me to drop out of high school without giving a good reason only an excuse again running from my problems.

i had very few friends only one i open up to but doing all i could to make sure she didn't say anything to anyone after i left school i barely saw her or talked to her i fell into my own black hole of sadness, confusion wondering who i really am.

ive had my fair share of girl friends loving them all differently but loving them truly constantly heart broken i became fearful of loving someone. when convinced to open up im used and thrown aside complete disregard of my feelings. all i have done is care for other people its who i am my friends and people close to me always come first, i never turn away i do everything i can to help them without thinking of whats happening to me.

Happy on the outside, my heart bleeding and torn on the inside fighting everyday to hide my emotions trying harder and harder not to cry, i want to cry now as i open up asking for help but ill end up questioning if i really should be doing this.
I have no motivation to do anything currently living in a house that needs work done to it but i always want nothing to do with it. staying up late like i am now to 7-9am then sleeping the day away with no social life other than an occasional txt from friends. i wake up at 6-8pm and end up going in a circle seeing no point in my existence.

Trying everyday to find someone to love that could understand me, but no one wants a depressed wreck like me i know i wouldnt want me im a passionate romantic but it still wouldnt change anything.

i feel sad, angry, disappointed in myself, depressed, lonely, and so much more i cant seem to name at the moment. each feeling feeding the next as i think of a way out, ive had 3-4 nights thinking hard about suicide but i cant leave the ones i love, im sure if i was alone i wouldnt be here is all im saying earthbound by the ones i care so much for yet they have no clue whats going on.
5-6 people i care for so much i would give my life and soul for their happiness give up anything for them to lead a life i havent even dreamed of...a fairytale.

cant stop crying now so ill say good bye. any reply at all i would greatly appreciate even just a new friend i can talk to.
love jack forever