Girlfriend Is a Cutter, How to Cope ? Posted: 07-23-07 08:52am
Hi,
My girlfriend suffers from depression, and
is on a couple of things including
lamictal. Anyways, she's 29 and has been
a cutter off and on for the past 10 years
or so.
She's been quite depressed lately (job
stress mostly), and scraped up her
forearms and thighs pretty good last night
(alcohol and ambien were involved). She
called me (live seperately), and I came,
took the knife away and put her to bed,
and she managed to get several hours of
sleep. Nothing required medical
attention, and the knicks will heal in
time.
THANKFULLY, she has an already-scheduled
therapist appt. today. Her first in about
a year. I'd imagine the two events
(cutting and appt.) are not simply
coincidental.
Anyways, I love her very much, but don't
know the right way to deal with this
behavior. My first instinct is to be
stern and not coddle her, but perhaps this
is best?
Joined: 09 Jul 2007 Posts: 556 Location: Loony-tune-land, England
Posted: 07-23-07 18:49pm
Hi Bob
I can tell by what you write, tha you
really love your girlfriend and want to
desperately help her., when she gets
expert treatment, you got to carry on
giving her loads of strong support.. Self
Harmers have underlying problems that have
not surfaced to the outside world, as they
remain deep in her sub-consious, she is
punishing herself for something that is in
the past, so any problem during the day,
be it really small, she blames herself
for, hence the punishing. She does need
treatment from experts, and she needs you
to be strong and supportive, and cast no
blame.
She'll work it out, with the help, love
and support given to her.
I wish you both well, and the support to
you both.
Ginger
|
Bob101
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Jul 2007 Posts: 3
Posted: 07-27-07 23:04pm
Ginger,
Thanks for the advice. You make a lot of
sense.
The first time she started cutting was at
the end of a marriage that ended about six
years ago. She was raised Catholic, and
IMHO, the divorce has carried a lot of
guilt for her, hence the cutting. I don't
believe she's punishing herself for the
divorce still, but when she sinks into a
deep depression (about any number of
things), it somehow is triggering the
cutting behavior. Any thoughts?
|
The Ginger 1
Supporter
Joined: 09 Jul 2007 Posts: 556 Location: Loony-tune-land, England
Posted: 07-28-07 03:35am
Bob101
wrote:
Ginger,
Thanks for the advice. You make a lot of
sense.
The first time she started cutting was at
the end of a marriage that ended about six
years ago. She was raised Catholic, and
IMHO, the divorce has carried a lot of
guilt for her, hence the cutting. I don't
believe she's punishing herself for the
divorce still, but when she sinks into a
deep depression (about any number of
things), it somehow is triggering the
cutting behavior. Any
thoughts?
The poor lady ... it was a terrible time
in her life, although she got out of a
marrige, which although I don't know the
full extent to what and why it ended, she
also feels a failiure, again, this may
trigger things off, she is punishing
herself for a deep emotion. To fail at
this has made her feel so low, that she
has to punish herself for it ... does this
make any sence.. she needs to be reassured
that IT WASN'T HER FAILING ... her Ex had
something to do with the divorce too ...
I hope this has helped, and keep me posted
..
Ginger
|
stormyf2
Supporter
Joined: 16 Mar 2006 Posts: 146 Location: Canada
Posted: 07-28-07 05:00am
my 2 cents...i was a cutter, i cut to feel
different pain, other than emotional pain,
the pain from the cut was like a release
for me. it felt good to cut, to bleed, to
know i could still feel!: although i still
think of doing it from time to time , i to
have a wonderful man in my life that
stands by me, and i got help, and when i
get weak i tell and we work on it
together, the best thing is talking to
someone, and medication.....although some
people dont like that part, its sometimes
needed!! wish the best to you both.
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The Ginger 1
Supporter
Joined: 09 Jul 2007 Posts: 556 Location: Loony-tune-land, England
Posted: 07-28-07 05:06am
stormyf2
wrote:
my 2 cents...i was a cutter,
i cut to feel different pain, other than
emotional pain, the pain from the cut was
like a release for me. it felt good to
cut, to bleed, to know i could still
feel!: although i still think of doing it
from time to time , i to have a wonderful
man in my life that stands by me, and i
got help, and when i get weak i tell and
we work on it together, the best thing is
talking to someone, and
medication.....although some people dont
like that part, its sometimes needed!!
wish the best to you
both.
Hi Stormy - you sound really happy now...
did your current guy reassure and support
you all the way thru your treatment ... it
makes all the difference to anyone that is
experiencing this pain, I'm glad you wrote
your story, it will help Bob, help and
understand his girlfriend, and what she
needs ....
Ginger
|
stormyf2
Supporter
Joined: 16 Mar 2006 Posts: 146 Location: Canada
Posted: 07-28-07 05:13am
well ive been a cutter since about 20
years, im now 33 and we have been together
for 2 years, and he knows all about it,
and we deal with it together, and i
explained why i did it, how i feel when i
do it etc.. and he didnt judge me, he
really is an angle sent to me!!!
|
The Ginger 1
Supporter
Joined: 09 Jul 2007 Posts: 556 Location: Loony-tune-land, England
Posted: 07-28-07 06:17am
stormyf2
wrote:
well ive been a cutter since
about 20 years, im now 33 and we have been
together for 2 years, and he knows all
about it, and we deal with it together,
and i explained why i did it, how i feel
when i do it etc.. and he didnt judge me,
he really is an angle sent to
me!!!
There are some really good guys out there
ain't there - my hubby is an angel sent to
me too !! he ain't perfect,
but then neither am I ...
I'm glad that your angel was sent to you,
and Bob is an angel sent to his
girlfriend, and he needs all the support
from us to give to her ...
|
Shorty123
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 31 Jul 2007 Posts: 31 Location: United States
Posted: 08-01-07 15:44pm
bob im only 13 but im a cutter to the best
thing to do is to show you still love her
no matter what she does and they were
right giv her a lot of support and dont do
something like hide all the knives in her
house from her just support her show that
u love her and talk to her when she wants
to talk its hard to quit so stay with her
and help her
|
The Ginger 1
Supporter
Joined: 09 Jul 2007 Posts: 556 Location: Loony-tune-land, England
Posted: 08-01-07 18:02pm
Shorty123
wrote:
bob im only 13 but im a
cutter to the best thing to do is to show
you still love her no matter what she does
and they were right giv her a lot of
support and dont do something like hide
all the knives in her house from her just
support her show that u love her and talk
to her when she wants to talk its hard to
quit so stay with her and help
her
What wise advise from someone so young ...
thank's Shorty ...
Can I ask, why do you cut yourself ... do
you need someone to talk to at this
moment, or are you 'feeling good' ....
I've never self harmed myself, so I don't
understand every emotion you are going
thru. but I do care, and I would love to
help when you need support...
Ginger
|
Shorty123
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 31 Jul 2007 Posts: 31 Location: United States
Posted: 08-01-07 19:58pm
ginger i hav a lit of reason to cut but
the main teason is im punishing myself
|
The Ginger 1
Supporter
Joined: 09 Jul 2007 Posts: 556 Location: Loony-tune-land, England
Posted: 08-01-07 20:18pm
Shorty123
wrote:
ginger i hav a lit of reason
to cut but the main teason is im punishing
myself
What do you feel you've done so wrong that
you need to punish yourself?
You're a young adult, and bound to be
making mistakes .... we all make mistakes,
do stupid things even at 40 years old
(that's how old I am) .. but it's called
Life ! We learn right thoughout our lives
till the end ... if we got everything
right first time, we'd be boring ...
If you are doing something that you need
to punish yourself for afterwards, then
don't do that something in the first
place.
Do the opposite !!
I hope I haven't been too pushy with you
.. and I
hope I can help and support you ...
Ginger
(((((((((hugs))))))))))
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Shorty123
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 31 Jul 2007 Posts: 31 Location: United States
Posted: 08-01-07 20:32pm
what ive done wrong is ive made a lot of
people lives harder like my mothers when i
was a little kid i was born 3 months early
and i had a lot of stuff wrong with me it
cost my mom a lot of money and when i was
like 3 i had to go to the hospital a lot
now whenever i feel sick i dont tell
anyone i dont want to bother anyone my
mother calls me worthless thats why i
punish myself because im worthless my
mother always says how im not like my
brother or sister or how i hav no friends
or i dont go outside and play thats why i
punish myself because i deserve it
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Shorty123
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 31 Jul 2007 Posts: 31 Location: United States
Posted: 08-01-07 20:35pm
o and ginger if u want to know more i put
up a post its name is Depression
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The Ginger 1
Supporter
Joined: 09 Jul 2007 Posts: 556 Location: Loony-tune-land, England
Posted: 08-02-07 12:00pm
Shorty123
wrote:
what ive done wrong is ive
made a lot of people lives harder like my
mothers when i was a little kid i was born
3 months early and i had a lot of stuff
wrong with me it cost my mom a lot of
money and when i was like 3 i had to go to
the hospital a lot now whenever i feel
sick i dont tell anyone i dont want to
bother anyone my mother calls me worthless
thats why i punish myself because im
worthless my mother always says how im not
like my brother or sister or how i hav no
friends or i dont go outside and play
thats why i punish myself because i
deserve it
Sweetheart - none of that was your fault,
and you certainly don't deserve to be
treated that way ... especially by your
Mother ... you need to speak to someone
like your teacher or an adult you trust
... you shouldn't be taking this ... from
anyone ... It isn't your fault ... and you
shouldn't be punishing yourself ...
Ginger
|
Bob101
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Jul 2007 Posts: 3
Posted: 08-04-07 10:05am
Ginger, Stormy, Shorty,
Thanks for sharing and helping me out.
All three of you are on different roads,
but hopefully the support here is a good
place for all.
My Girlfriend had another therapy appt.
this past week. It went well I think, and
IMHO, the fact that she likes a counsellor
enough to go more than once is a huge
step. No cutting since two weeks ago, and
her wounds are healing well.
Trying to support her all I can,
-B
|
The Ginger 1
Supporter
Joined: 09 Jul 2007 Posts: 556 Location: Loony-tune-land, England
Posted: 08-04-07 13:56pm
Bob101
wrote:
Ginger, Stormy, Shorty,
Thanks for sharing and helping me out.
All three of you are on different roads,
but hopefully the support here is a good
place for all.
My Girlfriend had another therapy appt.
this past week. It went well I think, and
IMHO, the fact that she likes a counsellor
enough to go more than once is a huge
step. No cutting since two weeks ago, and
her wounds are healing well.
Trying to support her all I can,
-B
Sending you both hugs ..... ready ......
(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
he ain't perfect,
but then neither am I ...
.. and I
hope I can help and support you ... 