Joined: 10 Dec 2006 Posts: 99 Location: Toronto, Ontario,
I Hate Life. Want Nothing More to Do With It. Dead Inside. Posted: 07-22-07 22:26pm
I'm gonna try to make this suckers as
possible. I'm going to try because if I
don't it would end up being a really long
thread. I apologize if its still long. I
will try to space it out as much as
possible to be more eye friendly and
readable.
I hate life. I don't like how it been nor
how its going. I've had it with life. I
give up. There is no point on me
continuing. Whatever I do and try, it
never works out. I just want to pack my
bags and leave in the middle of the night.
Just go, far far away and never look
back. Forget about my life, family and
friend here in Toronto. Go to a place
where I am not known. I don't even want
to go to college, I want my tuition back.
I think I am just going to be wasting my
time in the college program I am in. I
somewhat want to do. I'm in a Building
Renovation Technician program. I got
forced into it. I wanted to get into real
estate, but my parents would not let me do
it. They say it not a real job. As for
becoming a General Contractor, my dad
doesn't really think I can do the work in
the end. I need to be along. I need to be
isolated in a place where no one knows
me.
I can't get a job. No one will hire me.
I've handed in many many applications.
With my applications I've even included my
cover letter, resume and reference sheet.
I have a Lexmark Z35 inkjet printer and it
cost a lot of money to get the ink. Its
37.99 for a black ink cartage. So
basically I've spent a lot of money on
ink, more then I've brought in. I've
applied at so many stores. I've applied
for the same store franchise at different
locations, so I can better my odds of
getting a job. I've done quit a few
interviews and none have come though.
There is no point of me continuing on. I
can't get a job now, so how will I then be
able to get a job in the future? I won't.
I've had a few jobs but I don't have them
any more. I will never be able to give
myself a nice big house, the hottest cars
fancy clothes or the what not.
My life is pointless. I'm always getting
into fights with my parents about me
getting a job and the kind person I am.
They say I am a very negative type person,
but every one has made me that way. My
parents are always very nonsupporting of
me. Especially my dad. If I were to die
murdered in cold blood tomorrow no one
would feel sorrow or show love or would
not matter. If my funeral's tomorrow, they
wouldn't even call. A lot of my friends
have turned their back on me and I ain't
got nothing left but my word and my balls
stressed from the calls of my new friends
begging with they hands out. When you
can't, that's the end, no laughs no
friends. Theres like more pain inside of
my brain then in the eyes of a little girl
in side of a plane aimed at another plain,
and the clouds are gathered together and
it rain, and my parents are all pissed. I
will never be able to make any of my
dreams happen so why bother. I am
worthless. I am practically told that i
am worthless. I'm told I am stupid and
that I have no brain which are compliments
of my parents.
Everyone is constantly putting the though
that I am the main source of my pain. It
makes me feel like I am a bum, a loser, a
fool. I am the main source of my pain not
any one else. It is all my wrong doing. I
can't fix any of it. I don't know what to
do, I cant take all the things I have
done, said or made plans for back. It just
sickens me sometimes thinking about it. I
see everyone else living it up the way I
had planned/thought I would be doing,
basically everyone else is living up my
dream and I as well a friend of mine are
not living the dream (we both had same
dream with some variations here and there
but most of it the same). Like I said it
makes me sick and in the end I believe
that I am the main source of my pain. I'm
stupid, a loser, a bum, an fool, or
anything else along the lines of these
words. I am not the sharpest tool on the
shed. I am like the ugly ducking. I am a
misfit. A worthless pawn on a chessboard
called life. My parents say I don't have a
brain. They think very little if not
nothing of me. NO one cars about me. I
apparently hurt everyone around me. I've
wasted my whole high school career
accomplishing nothing. My brother and
sister excel in school, so I am always
being compared. My dad did well in
school. I think that does not help
either. Its very sad. I don't know how to
feel. I know everyone says don't put
yourself down. But thats all I am doing. I
know what I am going to be for the rest of
my life. And now I'm starting to dwell on
the past, and everyone else's
accomplishments. Like what do I really
have to show, nothing. I don't get any
award or acknowledged for anything.I go to
parties/family get together's and I go
home sick. All night I hear my mom saying
to everyone about all the awards and how
well my my brother and sister are doing in
school, and the samething with my uncle
boasting about my cousims. And then I hear
my mom saying off "john is doing good but
he's better at technical/hands on things"
It makes me sick, plus it makes the person
she is telling it to wonder, what kind of
student is he?
I don't have my license. Only my learners
permit (those of you from Ontario, Canada
I have my G1). I failed the written test
the first time, I passed the second time.
I went to do my first road test (G1 exit
test to get G2) and failed it. I went the
second time and failed it as well which I
don't know why I didn't make any mistakes.
My parents kept procrastinating as to
letting me do drivers ed. I did it 2
months before I have my license for 1
year, so I can go and do my road test.
Total I paid 500 for the drivers ed
course, 80 dollars for the tests and 250
for the instructors car rental plus 2
lessons before each test. Like I said I
failed. My parents don't let me drive.
Before I did drivers ed they used the
excuse that I need to do a few lessons
with an instructor to get the hang of it.
Now that I have, they act like they don't
hear me ask or they say you cant drive and
give me some reason. I believe that they
only let me get my license cause I wanted
to and they are just humoring me like a
little kid when you give them your keys to
play with. Anyways I told my parents that
I want to take the family car so I can
only pay 40 to do the test. However the
horn does not work. They wont fix it.
Its been since January that I've told them
and they told me they would fix it. It
seems to me that they don't want me to get
my license.
I stay up at night just thinking. Where
did I go wrong? Why am I feeling this way?
Why is it like the world is against me?
Why am I a misfit? Why don't I belong?
Why am I a loser? I HATE LIFE AND WANT
NOTHING MORE OF IT, I KNOW HOW ITS GOING
TO TURN OUT A LOSER ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A
JOB WHO CANNOT GET ONE. I am dead inside.
Every second I'm away I die inside. I have
no one to turn to but myself, my thoughts
and tears also my headaches. All I want is
to be loved and appreciated, no one
appreciates me, its all an act. I'm dead
inside.
Last edited by greekjohn on 07-23-07 09:20am; edited 1 time in total
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young Girl
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007 Posts: 13932 Location: everythings better in, texas USA
Posted: 07-22-07 22:32pm
well heck i care about ya and i dont even
know you!!!!!
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Gaz2007
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Jul 2007 Posts: 6
Posted: 07-23-07 04:39am
Dude, this is so strange, everything you
just wrote describes me in every way
(apart from a few things). I also have a
friend that had the same dreams as me, and
we are both in the same boat as you.
I totally understand how you feel. I just
want to get up and get on an airplane and
fly to some foreign country where I am not
known. If I had the money, I'd do it
tomorrow. The thing is, I also cannot get
a job.
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greekjohn
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Dec 2006 Posts: 99 Location: Toronto, Ontario,
Posted: 07-24-07 15:56pm
Gaz2007
wrote:
Dude, this is so strange,
everything you just wrote describes me in
every way (apart from a few things). I
also have a friend that had the same
dreams as me, and we are both in the same
boat as you.
You sound just like my friend
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divinaeli
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Jul 2007 Posts: 1 Location: social comunications
the Solution Posted: 07-25-07 12:00pm
don“t be angry, I know believe me that
the lif some days sucks, but evething has
solutions, maybe you shuld go to the
psicology or take some medicine for your
problems why do try to visit
prescriptionmedsonline.net is great try it
and tellme byeeee
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blulyneguy
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Jan 2007 Posts: 334 Location: Idaho,
Posted: 07-25-07 12:17pm
I hear you greekjohn and others. I
suffered from depression for a long time.
I got help. From friends and medication.
It has changed my outlook completely. You
have to try. Fight those thoughts and
urges. Get some advice. You posted here-
That's a good sign. I think once in awhile
we all want to run away. It is normal....
As for work- I'm in the construction
industry. I play with real estate as a
hobby on the side. You can do ANYTHING you
want to. If you are an adult, then follow
your passion (if it's real estate or
whatever). You mentioned college- finish
your degree. You will be very marketable
after you have it. Does not matter what it
is in. Just get it! Real Estate is easy
(once you learn the ropes). It can pay
well, but mostly it just pays ok (unless
you are a top producer). I do it for fun.
If you do something you like, it is much
easier to wake up every morning. Best of
luck!
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KNB89
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Jul 2007 Posts: 31
Posted: 07-26-07 22:37pm
"They say I am a very negative type
person, but every one has made me that
way. "
As hard as it sounds, you gotta try to be
more upbeat. Being negative only makes
people be negative towards you. I mean I'm
negative sometimes but i'm working on it.
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YellowDuck
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Jul 2007 Posts: 4 Location: ,
Posted: 07-27-07 09:48am
How much do you work out? exersize? If
you're feeling really down or mad run
around or get yourself a punching bag,
exsersize releases happy hormones or
something and can really help. Go see a
doctor, don't put it off. As for what
others think about you, ignor them. They
say your negative but don't question why?
That is really caring.
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greekjohn
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Dec 2006 Posts: 99 Location: Toronto, Ontario,
Posted: 07-30-07 20:36pm
YellowDuck
wrote:
How much do you work out?
exersize?
I don't really work out or excersize. I
get my exersize from walking alot, and my
"work out" from whatever heavy I lift.
YellowDuck
wrote:
If you're feeling really
down or mad run around or get yourself a
punching bag, exsersize releases happy
hormones or something and can really
help.
I punch the doing it wall or desk or
whatever is near me whenever I'm pissed.
If I am playing like Need For Speed I will
sometimes get so pissed off that I don't
have my licesence so I can drive by myself
and also that no one lets me drive.
YellowDuck
wrote:
As for what others think
about you, ignor them. They say your
negative but don't question why? That is
really
caring.
It there all the time. I can't ignor it.
It come back and haunts me.
YellowDuck
wrote:
Go see a doctor, don't put
it off.
Honestly I don't want to see a doctor.
When you say doctor I think that
mutha-medical question-a son of a health
forum who got into university and got
their med degree who is making a lot of
money who thinks they are better then me.
Honestly I don't like them. When I needed
the doctor to perscribe medicine cause I
was so sick they would only give me
benelyn medicine.
Doctors to me are like counsellors they
make me to be the probelm not
anyone/anything else. I have a huge
mental brakedown at the end of june the
day before my calculus exam and the doctor
wouldn't do anything for me just give me
some drugs to calm me down.
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Blue Sky Sprite
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Aug 2007 Posts: 15 Location: ,
Posted: 08-12-07 00:07am
Man I know how you feel...
And im mixed race...no experience...no
references....VERY hard for me to get a
job.
I finished college but now University
seems like another 3 year waste of
money....
I think the best things in life are
free....I bet you and your friend used to
have fun right....just dreaming and stayin
alive
I dont know you but I know that the secret
to happiness can be found in youth
thats uphoria for free...just try to think
as if you should do
my dad tells me that..."act right....you
know what I mean"
I know what he means even if I try to hide
from it sometimes
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greekjohn
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Dec 2006 Posts: 99 Location: Toronto, Ontario,
Posted: 08-15-07 18:20pm
I used to have a lot of fun with my
friends. But now it seems that no one is
around anymore. Life used to be good
until I hit middle school, thats when it
all went downhill.
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bloodsinger151
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Aug 2007 Posts: 3 Location: Portland, Oregon
Posted: 08-16-07 05:42am
Been there. Literally went insane, had
psychotic episodes and blackouts. They
tell me it's what happens if you're
depressed enough, long enough. I finally
broke down and got professional help. It
was a painful experience, finding someone
who could help me, cuz I was by all
accounts a frightening person to be in the
same room with. In the end, though, it
was worth it. I beg you to seek help
before you get as bad as I was. Because
once you reach a certain point, your brain
changes and it becomes much harder to
return to normal... I'm pretty sure I'll
never be quite the same. It has been four
years already, and I'm still dealing with
being someone I never expected to be.
Find out the true source of your
unhappiness, and don't worry about the
fact that your doc or who ever got a
degree. Don't worry about ppl labeling
you cuz you had the guts to get help.
medical question them. Do it for you.
Take care of yourself. If you don't,
things will never get better. I can tell
just by reading your post and your wording
that you are at least fairly intelligent.
A mind like yours is all too easily turned
against itself. Make getting better your
absolute top priority, and it will happen.
It won't be fast, or easy. There will be
many times when you think you have made no
progress. But those days don't matter.
What matters is getting better. Think of
that as your job, your religion, your
girlfriend, whatever. Think of it this
way, your life is already hell, so what
have you got to lose by trying to get
better?
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greekjohn
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Dec 2006 Posts: 99 Location: Toronto, Ontario,
Posted: 08-23-07 23:15pm
bloodsinger151
wrote:
Find out the true source of your
unhappiness, and don't worry about the
fact that your doc or who ever got a
degree. Don't worry about ppl labeling
you cuz you had the guts to get help.
whoops them. Do it for you. Take care of
yourself. If you don't, things will never
get better. I can tell just by reading
your post and your wording that you are at
least fairly intelligent. A mind like
yours is all too easily turned against
itself. Make getting better your absolute
top priority, and it will happen. It
won't be fast, or easy. There will be
many times when you think you have made no
progress. But those days don't matter.
What matters is getting better. Think of
that as your job, your religion, your
girlfriend, whatever. Think of it this
way, your life is already hell, so what
have you got to lose by trying to get
better?
I know the source of my pain. Look I got
a job and I've quite already, 2 weeks.
Thats part of my pain. I've realized that
I'm just going to be one of those guys who
just lives with his parents and doesn't
get married. Basically like comic book
guy from the Simpsons.