Depression Forum - I Hate Life. Want Nothing More to Do With It. Dead Inside.

I'm gonna try to make this suckers as possible. I'm going to try because if I don't it would end up being a really long thread. I apologize if its still long. I will try to space it out as much as possible to be more eye friendly and readable.

I hate life. I don't like how it been nor how its going. I've had it with life. I give up. There is no point on me continuing. Whatever I do and try, it never works out. I just want to pack my bags and leave in the middle of the night. Just go, far far away and never look back. Forget about my life, family and friend here in Toronto. Go to a place where I am not known. I don't even want to go to college, I want my tuition back.

I think I am just going to be wasting my time in the college program I am in. I somewhat want to do. I'm in a Building Renovation Technician program. I got forced into it. I wanted to get into real estate, but my parents would not let me do it. They say it not a real job. As for becoming a General Contractor, my dad doesn't really think I can do the work in the end. I need to be along. I need to be isolated in a place where no one knows me.

I can't get a job. No one will hire me. I've handed in many many applications. With my applications I've even included my cover letter, resume and reference sheet. I have a Lexmark Z35 inkjet printer and it cost a lot of money to get the ink. Its 37.99 for a black ink cartage. So basically I've spent a lot of money on ink, more then I've brought in. I've applied at so many stores. I've applied for the same store franchise at different locations, so I can better my odds of getting a job. I've done quit a few interviews and none have come though. There is no point of me continuing on. I can't get a job now, so how will I then be able to get a job in the future? I won't. I've had a few jobs but I don't have them any more. I will never be able to give myself a nice big house, the hottest cars fancy clothes or the what not.

My life is pointless. I'm always getting into fights with my parents about me getting a job and the kind person I am. They say I am a very negative type person, but every one has made me that way. My parents are always very nonsupporting of me. Especially my dad. If I were to die murdered in cold blood tomorrow no one would feel sorrow or show love or would not matter. If my funeral's tomorrow, they wouldn't even call. A lot of my friends have turned their back on me and I ain't got nothing left but my word and my balls stressed from the calls of my new friends begging with they hands out. When you can't, that's the end, no laughs no friends. Theres like more pain inside of my brain then in the eyes of a little girl in side of a plane aimed at another plain, and the clouds are gathered together and it rain, and my parents are all pissed. I will never be able to make any of my dreams happen so why bother. I am worthless. I am practically told that i am worthless. I'm told I am stupid and that I have no brain which are compliments of my parents.

Everyone is constantly putting the though that I am the main source of my pain. It makes me feel like I am a bum, a loser, a fool. I am the main source of my pain not any one else. It is all my wrong doing. I can't fix any of it. I don't know what to do, I cant take all the things I have done, said or made plans for back. It just sickens me sometimes thinking about it. I see everyone else living it up the way I had planned/thought I would be doing, basically everyone else is living up my dream and I as well a friend of mine are not living the dream (we both had same dream with some variations here and there but most of it the same). Like I said it makes me sick and in the end I believe that I am the main source of my pain. I'm stupid, a loser, a bum, an fool, or anything else along the lines of these words. I am not the sharpest tool on the shed. I am like the ugly ducking. I am a misfit. A worthless pawn on a chessboard called life. My parents say I don't have a brain. They think very little if not nothing of me. NO one cars about me. I apparently hurt everyone around me. I've wasted my whole high school career accomplishing nothing. My brother and sister excel in school, so I am always being compared. My dad did well in school. I think that does not help either. Its very sad. I don't know how to feel. I know everyone says don't put yourself down. But thats all I am doing. I know what I am going to be for the rest of my life. And now I'm starting to dwell on the past, and everyone else's accomplishments. Like what do I really have to show, nothing. I don't get any award or acknowledged for anything.I go to parties/family get together's and I go home sick. All night I hear my mom saying to everyone about all the awards and how well my my brother and sister are doing in school, and the samething with my uncle boasting about my cousims. And then I hear my mom saying off "john is doing good but he's better at technical/hands on things" It makes me sick, plus it makes the person she is telling it to wonder, what kind of student is he?

I don't have my license. Only my learners permit (those of you from Ontario, Canada I have my G1). I failed the written test the first time, I passed the second time. I went to do my first road test (G1 exit test to get G2) and failed it. I went the second time and failed it as well which I don't know why I didn't make any mistakes. My parents kept procrastinating as to letting me do drivers ed. I did it 2 months before I have my license for 1 year, so I can go and do my road test. Total I paid 500 for the drivers ed course, 80 dollars for the tests and 250 for the instructors car rental plus 2 lessons before each test. Like I said I failed. My parents don't let me drive. Before I did drivers ed they used the excuse that I need to do a few lessons with an instructor to get the hang of it. Now that I have, they act like they don't hear me ask or they say you cant drive and give me some reason. I believe that they only let me get my license cause I wanted to and they are just humoring me like a little kid when you give them your keys to play with. Anyways I told my parents that I want to take the family car so I can only pay 40 to do the test. However the horn does not work. They wont fix it. Its been since January that I've told them and they told me they would fix it. It seems to me that they don't want me to get my license.

I stay up at night just thinking. Where did I go wrong? Why am I feeling this way? Why is it like the world is against me? Why am I a misfit? Why don't I belong? Why am I a loser? I HATE LIFE AND WANT NOTHING MORE OF IT, I KNOW HOW ITS GOING TO TURN OUT A LOSER ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A JOB WHO CANNOT GET ONE. I am dead inside. Every second I'm away I die inside. I have no one to turn to but myself, my thoughts and tears also my headaches. All I want is to be loved and appreciated, no one appreciates me, its all an act. I'm dead inside.