Hi all-

I am not sure if anxiety is the right word for my irritability, un-ease on-edge feelings but I don't feel relaxed at any given time. I want to be calm just like other people. There is a constant noise in my brain that I need to relax. Since I don't know the name of my disorder I am going to call it Anxiety.

In order to calm my feelings I am medicating myself with alcohol. This has started 8 years ago, when I was 27. (I am 35 now) Before that, I don't have any drinking history. At the age of 27, I realized that I was never calm in my life. After a night out with a lot of drinks I felt great. What a great discovery!!! I wish I visited a doctor instead of starting relying on alcohol. Since then I am abusing alcohol. I used to smoke cigarettes too but a while ago I realized that it is doing nothing but adding to my anxiety so I stopped smoking. (I don't do any drugs)

Right now, I am an alcoholic. I can stop drinking (I did it for a while) but I know for fact that I am going to relapse if I don't treat my anxiety appropriately.


Till now I tried several things. 6 years ago, I went to a psychiatrist and she prescribed me Paxil. Paxil made things much much worse. After 3 months I realized that it wasn't doing anything good so I stopped taking paxil. This increased my depression to a point where I started to have suicidal thoughts.


After that, I turned my back to treatment for a long time. I started seeing another psychiatrist last year and with my request he prescribed Valium. Valium was actually the drug I needed it works great but I read and experienced the fact that 1) Its effects are very short term, I need the same feeling longer term 2) I am afraid of the fact that I am going to get addicted to Valium, the last thing I need is another addiction 3) I saw the tolerance effects.

At the beginning of this year, even though my feelings weren't great (they were better than now) I started seeking help through Reiki, Acupuncture i.e. eastern medicine. I tried that for another 4 months and couldn't get help there either. In the meantime, I am trying to do a behavioral therapy by myself by writing things down. Even though it helps a little, it cannot fix the root cause of my problem.

Through some internet research and some documentaries, I know that we can look inside the brain and treat the problem with medications. I am open to medications (very skeptical to SSRIs though as I had a very bad experience) because I know that my problem is biological rather than anything else. I am saying it is biological because I have this feeling since I was 12. We need to tune things down.

I also want to have an outpatient treatment, if possible. The reason is that I will be very bored and being inside will add to my anxiety. So, we might do things even worse. I want to windsurf, play soccer and do water sports as these natural activities relieve anxiety a little bit. I am very sure that if we resolve Anxiety problem and tune things down, I will automatically stop drinking and depression will go away.

Why am I seeking treatment now? Because I don't want to wait until I crush and burn. I am already seeing the effect of alcohol on my brain: Very bad short term memory, difficulty in concentration impaired mental functions in general. And I cant stand these feelings anymore.

I don't know where to start and any referral / suggestion is highly appreciated. I need a referral to a doctor or a facility who can look inside my brain and prescribe a medication that can solve my problem and is not addictive. I live in San Francisco, CA. If anyone experienced the same / similar problem and found out a solution with medication/treatment please let me know. Thank you for your time/help. It is time to get well!