Medical Questions > Relationships > Ending a Relationship Forum

Breaking Up With An Alcoholic Boyfriend (Page 1)

Hi,

I'm new here and need some advice. I've been iwiht my bf for 10.5 years, living with him for 7 years. I did not know that he was a heavy drinker until I moved in with him. Needless to say his drinking has gotten worse over the years. After numerous times of trying to help him, telling him that I would leave if he did not stop drinking, he never did anything and yesterday I finally broke up with him. When he drinks he abuses me mentally and verbally (never physically) and that has got me tired. After I told him that I am breaking up he said he would stop drinking and that he is going to change, he kept begging me to give him a chance, and I feel terrible for leaving him as I do love him, but I'm just tired of all of these years putting up with the drinking and everything that comes with it. I feel so horrible and bad, as I see him cry and beg me for another chance, but I've giving him so many chances everyday that I stuck by him and did not leave was another chance. I'm confused I'm not sure if I am doing the right thing by leaving him...

Any thoughts?

Thanks for reading and your comments.
Did you find this post helpful?
First Helper Cowgirlwarrior
|

replied July 19th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
My advice: he isn't going to change.I was in the same position as you some time ago and gave my ex so many chances,it was insane.be broke up 3 times (more than that bt those 3 were serious) and all 3 times he said he would stop.the last time he said it he did stop for me,we hadn't sen each other in months.He stopped but the urge was still there.I finally just broke it off and that night he went and got plastered.He has to do it for himself not someone else or else it isn't real.Stay away Neutral Wink
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied July 21st, 2007
well, i wouldnt say that he will NEVER change.. BUT he has to do it on his own. and it could take several years to before he gets there too, and before you could trust him again. he really needs to get into a recovery program, and NO, you can't be with him as he goes through this. if he really is going to get help, than he has to do it solo. it is most likey it get worse before it gets better. if you two are truely meant to be than you will find your way back together another time. good luck.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 21st, 2007
Especially eHealthy
no one here can tell you if he will change or not
you have the power to help him

you never know what ya got til its gone and you did the right thing
hes scared hes gunna loose you now
id stand your ground and say youll be there for him as a friend for now and when he shows you hes sober or when he takes AA classes or something then youll go back
but for now stay strong girl-
it can either get 10times better or 50 times worse
best of luck

-suzy
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied February 16th, 2012
alcoholism is not a disease.underlying mental health issues are.
agreed.

decide if you are in or you are out.
much like he has to do.

then support him 100% of the way - once in "caregiver mode" it does't matter what he says to you - you can take it -and help him

the trick is going back from caregiver mode to girlfriend
witout proper counseling
you can't do it

and he will get used to you being caregiver
but will still think you are his girlfriend
so when you start being the girlfriend again and start needing more from him than when you were the caregiver -he may find it confusing

it's entirely doable
as mental health gets understoon
they will stop making women's shelters
and start making mens shelters

women who have alcoholic husbands and who keep returning to them
know the real husband behind the illness
and they love that man
and they stick up for that man
and our health care system says for us to kick the man
to the curb and leave him and let him figure it out on his own - which he is obviously crap at if he is an alcoholic in the first place

why not capitalize on these women as a great support network for the men
of course the behaviour is not acceptable
that is easy to state
and of course the women need to be separated
but there can be conatct and
we can rehabilitate these men
and then we validate the women as well
and help everyone

we wait until things get too bad
until the behaviour ( which is a symptom not the condition) gets too far along
and everyone is past the point of no return

sadly this is when most women reach out
and where are services are designed to step in

once we get to a point where we can help those abusing alcohol on their way down- before things get beyond repair
we will be ahead of the game and on our way to rehablitating productively - these valuable members of our society.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 23rd, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
miss optimistic wrote:
well, i wouldnt say that he will NEVER change.. BUT he has to do it on his own. and it could take several years to before he gets there too, and before you could trust him again. he really needs to get into a recovery program, and NO, you can't be with him as he goes through this. if he really is going to get help, than he has to do it solo. it is most likey it get worse before it gets better. if you two are truely meant to be than you will find your way back together another time. good luck.
I say I kinda disagree with one thing you said about him having to do it solo.It s *always* good to have someone there to help you and be there for you! Wink
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 19th, 2013
I can tell that you know quite a bit about alcoholism your answers are more than text book they are words of seasoned wisdom and I appreciate hearing them as I struggle to make this move after 17 years of being that helper it's time to stop and let him fall. All of that heartfelt energy and time gone to a black hole.. so sad so hard. What a beautiful person wasted to such a terrible disease. I would not wish this on anyone.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied August 20th, 2007
Experienced User
well said melissa Wink Wink Wink
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied September 17th, 2007
Re: Breaking Up With An Alcoholic Boyfriend
mim77 wrote:
Hi,

I'm new here and need some advice. I've been iwiht my bf for 10.5 years, living with him for 7 years. I did not know that he was a heavy drinker until I moved in with him. Needless to say his drinking has gotten worse over the years. After numerous times of trying to help him, telling him that I would leave if he did not stop drinking, he never did anything and yesterday I finally broke up with him. When he drinks he abuses me mentally and verbally (never physically) and that has got me tired. After I told him that I am breaking up he said he would stop drinking and that he is going to change, he kept begging me to give him a chance, and I feel terrible for leaving him as I do love him, but I'm just tired of all of these years putting up with the drinking and everything that comes with it. I feel so horrible and bad, as I see him cry and beg me for another chance, but I've giving him so many chances everyday that I stuck by him and did not leave was another chance. I'm confused I'm not sure if I am doing the right thing by leaving him...

Any thoughts?

Thanks for reading and your comments.


Being a recovering alcoholic myself, he has to WANT to stop for HIMSELF, the only solution that has worked for me is AA. An active alcoholic reeks havoc on those that love him. Sometimes interventions help. I wish you well.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied April 28th, 2010
alcoholic partner
I am going through this situation right now. Even if the person is in a recovery program the strain of being there through the ups and downs and mood swings is very hard on another person, especially a person who can''t understand alcoholism or why someone would want to destroy their body and their life and spend money doing it. I love to help people but what I have finally realized is that I am not willing to feel like another person- even someone that I love is destroying my life by putting me through their problems. You have to have love for yourself and your life too.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied May 13th, 2010
breaking up with alcohlic boyfriend
Hi i recently broke up with my partner of 15 years we have two beautiful children.I realised that his drinking was not only making me a very angry and lonely person it was going to do the same to my children. When I confronted my partner about his drinking he made out that I was crazy. Living with a drinker is a very lonely soul destroying experience. Although it is really hard being a single mom i realise that until my partner admits his problem there is no hope for us as a family.You are definately doing the right thing by leaving him. After 10 years you deserve the good things that life has to offer. Keep strong.x
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied May 17th, 2010
Hi I have just broken up with my bf after only 2 years although I found out a year and a half ago I just kept wishing he would get better after going to the Doctors and asking for home detox - 3 times now but never seems to get much help. He feels destroyed now I have gone and I feel like I am letting him down and am being selfish. I love him loads but I have a daughter and have to put her first I don't want her to find out. I have become quiet and we don't go out of very often. I am trying to be strong but its so difficult. He just keeps telling me he loves me and that he can only get off drink if I am around as he needs my help. The reality is, so I keep telling myself, that if he loves me that much he will put me before the drink and stop but its really difficult. I think at the end of the day you have to look after yourself and your children and an alcoholic does not realise that what their doing how this affects their own and everyones lives in general and on a daily basis. It's not good going out for the day and you know that when he goes to the gents that really he is topping up his levels and having a quick drink from the Vodka bottle! So sad to see - just wish it would go away. Could do with some reassurance !. Thanks
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 19th, 2013
Dear Millie,
After 17 years of living on and off in just what you have described I've finally found the right counselor and have decided to leave. ALL of those years believing as you did that it was me that could save him. I can't tell you how I wish that I could have those years back. I'm so happy for YOU that you are choosing your daughter! Yes, Yes, Yes!!! Just love her and live life full knowing that you are doing the RIGHT thing.. Be so very proud of you.. YES!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied June 11th, 2010
Millie be very careful of anybody that tries to sell the idea that it's your responsibility to get them straight. Hasn't been so long ago I told my soon to be ex-husband that it isn't my job to reward him for sobriety or punish him for drunkeness ... turns out truer words were never spoken. Not only was it not my job to be responsible for his sobriety, he had others enlisted to see to his happiness in ways I'd never agree to. I didn't come in second to the bottle ... more like third or fourth, behind his girlfriends and other bad habits. Your only responsibility is to your children.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 19th, 2013
YES!!!!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 31st, 2010
living with alcohol dependant
It's 4am and I've been reading your posts. I have been with my fella for 11 years - I knew he liked a drink but did not realise how much! It has caused so many problems between us, he has been to the doctors a few times and made half-hearted attempts to reduce it etc.

The state of play now is that last night we have decided to split - he says there's nobody else, not sure about that. He says that all we do is argue and I'm always going on at him. It's so hard watching someone you love drink until they fall asleep, tipping cider over themself on the settee as they sleep, can in hand - yes, I suppose I do go on about that. He says that he gets up, goes to work, holds down a job, so doesn't have a problem. Last night he drank 10 cans, the night before 12 cans. He drinks every night and his life revolves round when he can get a drink after work.

I can't get over the fact that he is quite calm about the situation, moving out etc and I'm quite emotional! He says he loves me "in his own way"! There has been no affection for a long time - just feeling totally crap at the moment.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied August 1st, 2010
Jane, I'm here reading the posts as well ..... discovering that I have a lot in common with the others, as well as you. Today I told my boyfriend of 2+ years that I couldn't deal any longer with his drinking and all that it entails. I feel for everyone who is going through what we are. Both "Rob" and I have been unemployed for some time due to the poor economy and while I have a small allowance from my fathers death, I have been the one supporting us and obviously supporting and enabling him. The guilt I feel is overwhelming, but I just can't "afford" him any longer - he claims he'll be back to work within the month due to an increase in the construction field where we live, but it doesn't change the fact that he drinks to excess and I can't stand to be around him. From the early morning hours until he passes out at night I'm left feeling alone and miserable about my situation and my life. I am now broke and might have to file for Chapter 7 bankruptcy, my only option is to move across the country to live with my mother until I can get my life together, I'm 45 years old and I've allowed myself to be sucked into this disgusting and unproductive life ...... it is so true that alcoholism is a family disease, not just about the one who drinks. I think I need to move and start fresh and wish him the best of luck, even though I must say that I feel like I'm abandoning him when he's at his most vulnerable and when he might hurt himself ...... his drinking is out of control and I just can't be a part of it anymore. God I wish someone would tell me I'm doing the right thing I feel crappy and alone ..... I guess I'm your typical co-dependant, enabling fool ...... God Help Me
|
Did you find this post helpful?
Users who thank BlueSkiesareGrey for this post: chrisyfitz  Sweet_Dee 

replied June 18th, 2011
Dear blueskies I have been with my bf for 4 years... We have broken up at least 15 times in those 4 years....If I had known what an alcoholic was, I would have never got involved in the relationship..The lies, the cheating, the mental abbuse has damaged me. 3 years ago he went to rehab....I took him back...he thought he was in control of his drinking now that he had gone to rehab. I nagged and complained, which i was told it was because of me he was drinking again....He had an affair which i sensed, he denied it saying i was crazy it was all in my head...That i had problems...after 6 months of snooping i found the proof...But stupid me took him back, his crying....The alcohol made him do it....He would say, he was a different person..to make a long story short...I broke it off yesterday, ive been in bed for 2 days crying and sick to my stomach because of the love i have for him. He works on the road and was back in the area of the affair he had in the beginning....I could tell when i would phone him he was drinking....when he got home i could tell something had happened again with the same woman or another...So again i am crazy..I need help..I cant deal with this anymore. He has an old girlfriend at his house to comfort him which leads to a one nite stand...I am a single mother, and he also has a daughter from another...I bought a home and he would pay nothing here or help out except mayb washing a plate or 2....I'm heartbroken i want him to leave me alone...So i can get over him. He has confinced me i have mental issues... I believe he used me to live free. and take care of him and his daughter..How could he live with himself cheating then coming to me??I fear in the next couple days he will be calling bawling..my kids are sick of it...please help me
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 2nd, 2014
I know exactly how your are feeling. I feel the same way. I thought I could love him enough but you can't. What is strange is even when they are not in your home they are in your head. Many people tell me not to let him take up space in my head easier said than done. I love him so deeply. Every time we break up he changes his number and then ends up calling me on a blocked number. Tonight he left by me telling him to leave, supposedly going to get help which means get so drunk and go in to the ER room. He has done this before. As far as the mental problems that is part of their game. you are the one that has the problem not them. I have been called a crazy insane b**. I told him thank you for calling me that because that means- being in total control of herself. Everything was always my fault. Mine lived off of me for a year and half. All I can say is be strong and believe that you are a person. I am trying to do the same thing. No one has the right to take away another person self esteem. I felt and feel like I have lost myself. I am scratching my way back to the top. He called this evening and I didn't answer. part of me wanted to so bad because I thought that was the last time I would ever hear from him, but I was told once that you can't get rid of a drunk Do you know that an alcoholic is afraid to die that they are afraid to live, and they don't take on relationships they take hostages, and yet I still miss him. You know they can go get detoxed off of alcohol but how do we get detoxed off of them?
|
Did you find this post helpful?
Users who thank Cowgirlwarrior for this post: shell63 

replied July 13th, 2014
After a year and a half I just ended my relationship with my boyfriend who is an alcoholic. Yes, I miss him terribly and have been crying for two days but your post has given me strength knowing someone else has walked in my shoes. My man lived off me the entire time we were together, he worked for maybe four months...then got hurt..constantly texted his ex-girlfriend..perhaps slept with her, but I could never prove it. And always told me I was psycho when we had fights over him texting her or him not working!!! The demise of our relationship finally came when the lease was up and I refused to extend it another year...he began to drink heavily, got checked into rehab for 3 days and is now living with his alcoholic best friend drinking vodka every day. I miss him a great deal, he was my best friend, but at times he was verbally abusive (called me a fat ugly troll..ect...disgusting...inconsequential) and gave me a serious black eye once, but I had been drinking too, so take it from there. Was I helping his alcoholism progress by supporting his habit. Most likely. I also think perhaps I suffer from a poor self esteem to allow myself to be with a man who would treat me like that when there are so many good ones out there. I just tried to see and loved the good side of him, when he wasn't drunk, which wasn't very often. He was charming, handsome, smart, great cook, but he was also a dead beat dad, an absentee grandfather and someone who had grown to love the bottle more than life itself...so sad.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied February 1st, 2012
bad times become good lessons
I can totally relate. I've been with someone for a year living together 5 months out of that to help him with rent due to his prior job loss from drinking. The first 2 months were fine, but then the long weekend turned into a bender and he didn't go back to work. I worked p/t and i would come home to dishes that needed doing amonst other things.He would hover around me,repeating his feelings about me, make horribly sexist comments about women, very negative attitude and bothered me when I needed to sleep. I felt like I was going nuts, had a 3 day headache and was angry all the time. I didn't want to leave him when he was messed up, but when he was good I saw no reason to go.He would cut down, sober up for 2 or 3 days then start drinking again for like 3 weeks. When I mentioned it he would say he'll get better. I gave him about 25 chances. Then I realized he was sneaking mickeys(375 ml)liquor during his drink beer to come down tine. So I left and I am much happier. I felt better the next day. Good Luck!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied October 10th, 2010
Blueskies

I think you are brave. You are doing the right thing. I have been with my alcoholic "fiance" for 13 years. He is an alcoholic and aggessive. i have been recently made myself bankrupt - a long story but largely due to his drinking costs. I was once a successful woman working for the BBC, now I have nothing. I am an enabler and aplologist for him. I am sick of it and still with him and want to be successful again. I know I should leave him, but I am full of guilt and doubt too.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 19th, 2013
The crazy rabbit hole of co-denpendency
Dear Blueskies, rainbow
I love your name BTW.. You are important.. it's a very hard thing this co-dependent stuff my life has gone down that particular crazy rabbit hole these past 17 years! I can't believe that I've waited this long to cut off his life line. I can't imagine where my life would be now If I had not let his get so tied up in mine. lOVE yourself.. I'VE RECENTLY FOUND THE MOST WONDERFUL COUNSELOR AND I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH THIS IS HELPING MY OWN JOURNEY. Thank you for sharing.. so much wishing the best for you!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied October 13th, 2010
im 10 yrs wit my alcholic boyfriend. he is moving out friday. its killing me inside but i have to do it for me and my kids or so i keep telling myself.watching him drunk every eve after work is just soul destroying. he also urinates in corners during the nite cause hes half sleep walkin. i used to b a gud lookin girl but i had a breakdown a few yrs back and lost all care of my self pileing on 5 stone and im on antideppresents. he ignores me every nite. never holds me, never tells me he loves me, never kisses me never makes me feel like a woman. ive stayed as long as i cud. begging him to go to aa but its all been a waste of time. its a serious kick in the teeth when u have to walk away frm the one u love after 10 yrs. hearthbreaking Sad
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied December 22nd, 2010
Im with my alcoholic finance for 6 years now. its 2 days to christmas and he's been drinking for 8 days straight.. we are bankrupt at this stage from his drinking, like others, he has promised he'll give it up, he blames my nagging for his drinking but he was a heavy drinker before we met. he has been in drying out clinics in the past. His drinking is destroying me, i have piled on the weight and my confidence is at rock bottom.. i dont think that I will ever get out of this situation.. it so hard to walk away at this point after 6 years of sacrifice for him, i have broken up with him many times but for no longer than a few days..
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied December 22nd, 2010
leaving alcoholic boyfriend
Hi. I have a very long and painful story. It started two years ago. Like many of you stated, you realized it a few months in there was a problem, and started to speak your voice, but it always ends up that they didn't have a problem. My ex stated to me plenty of times that he didn't have a problem because no one else told him he had a problem. Mind you, most of his friends are all addicts or some other sort of broken person. After our first year together I got pregnant and had an abortion because I didn't want to bring a child into the world and give them an alcoholic parent (I am a divorced mother of a 3 year old boy) This was really rough for me. The night I did it, he completly ignored me (took a pill to have a miscarriage) while he got drunk and exchanged gifts with his roommate (christmas time). Two weeks later he called me the "C" word and told me he didn't want to be with me. I was a mess. Can you imagine? two weeks after that was his first promise of how he was so sorry and would not drink "as much". That didn't last and all we did was fight. For some reason I still moved into his place in April and was there for two months before he got drunk one night and we had a stupid fight that normal couple have, but not normal for alcoholics. It became physical and he dragged me around the office and attempted to choke me. Luckily my son had left the week before to see his dad. I left that night and was at my mothers for two weeks when his letters to my son and myself started. Sorry how he would not see my son grow and how he was sorry to him. And the same to me. I gave him another chance, but this time I realized he was watching porn every night after I would go to bed, or the second I left to go anywhere (even though I never turned him down) it seems most alcoholics have this problem and my only thinking is because it's easier to please themselves than have the energy to perform with another person. I confronted him about that and he was a jerk. So the next day I went out and leased an apartment. A week after that he was so sorry, immediately quit drinking and said he's going to get it straight. That again lasted about two weeks. I was becoming numb to most of this and at times when he first did it, the rage I felt inside was so uncontrolable, I thought I personally would malfunction. And I think I almost did. A man became interested in me and he threatened to kill him. So this man would no longer talk to me. He put a tracking device on my laptop and I only found it after I moved into my apartment. Stupidy and unbelievably, I still gave him another chance because he said he quit drinking again. Again, it lasted a month and he told me he didn't like the sober life I was leading him down and wanted to drink instead of be with me. I was doing ok for a few weeks and he started leaving notes on my door (i didnt read it), texting me, emailing me, and I would come home to find the trash I left out front of my apartment gone. Again, I had found interest in someone and this scared me of a confrontation. I was doing well ignoring him until I transferred an email from him into a different file and saw the attachment he drew of me and ended up reading his email. He told me he was going to AA and counseling and doing it for him this time. I felt bad (why do we always feel bad?) and sent him a quick text of "good". It was a bad choice. It opened the lines of communication and I felt excited that he was going to be different because this time he was in AA. This time is lasted almost two months. This past Sunday I got upset because he never spends any time with my family and I spend a great deal with his, and became upset because he told me he had to "feed his fish and do laundry" instead of joining me for pizza at my sisters with my brother in law too. I told him I was sick of this and I was done (done with the behavior) So later when I came home I tried calling him to talk about it, but he refused to answer. Meaning only one thing. He was drunk. Wouldnt asnwer because I would hear his slurred speech. He said I broke up with him....This is where the blame game comes in so they have that excuse on why it was ok to drink. This time though, I told him I am done. It was always easier for me when he would drink and break up with me, but this time I did it. I told him I don't want him in my life anymore and I am done. The crappy thing is, he always has his "crazy" back off the wagon episode for about two weeks, then tries his sorries. I am hoping this time he won't. Has anyone else dealt with this? And mostly, has anyone else dealt with the feeling of rage inside? I was so angry over what he did to me again, that I told him I hoped he died and that I wanted to slight his throat and kill him. This is not the person I am and I always feel so gross with myself after I finally calm down from his abandonment. Sometimes it's hard not to think you are to blame, or to question yourself wondering if you are the nag they accuse you of. He said all I did was !**@! and he tried to accuse me of being controlling. Did anyone else get this? My controlling I guess was telling him it wasn't ok to watch porn more than be with me. To talk to his ex gf, to be drunk, to not spend time with me as a family and not play video games relentlessly. One quote was the best that he spewed at me: "you always only support things you think are good (working out) and never support me for things you don't like (like video games)" Granted, he's 32 and I am 30. So, this is my experience. And I am finally finding that self-respect. And I feel pretty damn good about it.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied April 25th, 2011
Trying to find my way out of this black hole...
Hi. You just told my story very well. Wow is all I can say. I have felt like I am stuck inside a hell trying to really finally leave my best friend because I just cant take it anymore. I have been dealing with this abandonment for 2 weeks and 3 days now. I have googled so many things about this and read so many post. I know this is from 5 months ago but if you happen to see this I would love to email about you experience. I would love that feeling that I am not alone because I am still constantly doubting myself although it seems so black and white.

Thanks,
Megan
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied April 29th, 2011
I find that doubting myself is the worst part. Some alcoholics are extremely manipulative, and blame everyone but themselves for things that go wrong. Even to the extent of blaming someone else because they dropped a dish and broke it themselves.
This is the abuse I have been dealing with for 8 years, and I have finally asked him to go to rehab or move out. It's VERY hard to get him to physically leave. He has his workshop in my barn. I have tried to break up many times before, and each time have given in because the process was so exhausting.
I finally have drummed up enough self esteem to really WANT to be out of the relationship.
I would rather not have to get a restraining order. I have told him that if he respects my boundaries and doesn't come in my house, that he can pay rent for the workshop. I have finally learned after all this time to remain absolutely calm as he hurls insults and blame at me, and I am proud of that. Hopefully he will do the right thing and go live with his brother nearby.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied April 4th, 2012
you are not alone,I feel horrible leaving the good guy, but when the bad guy comes out,its sabatoge...to me there is no guy.... period, just a brain full of alcohol,when hes drinking or not. its almost 6 years and i give up, and I feel so horrible because then they get nice and say they wont drink...and he was my night in shining armor,so i thought. he even works and pays the bills for the place i just bought for us, but now i havce to sell it because Im 50 and cant see going on like this ,I guess my menapause is giving me the strength to leave...we all have the same stories,we all feel the guilt because they feel nothing................
|
Did you find this post helpful?
Users who thank gilly55 for this post: workingonme 

replied January 2nd, 2014
You are not alone I am right there with you. Please feel free to email me I need to talk to someone as well.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied June 18th, 2011
Wow i didnt think anyone was going through the exact thing i was...I just posted my story also under painstricken...
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied August 4th, 2011
I cant believe how your story echos my story. I have finally stopped giving chances after four years. It is very hard as I am in love with this person but know that I had no choice any more but to leave him despite him getting everybody to call me. I have been strong for a month but I am feeling a bit wobbly at the moment. Hopefully I will stay strong though.

I think your story confirms that it is the drinker that has the issues however much they try to convince us it is us that has the problem.

Any further help you can give would be great.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied June 21st, 2012
Left today
Yes, I have felt so much rage. Today he finally left. It's been only one year and I'm so thankful that he is gone. He was ruining my life. I had to evict him to get him to leave. I also changed the locks today. I love him, but this is the only and best thing I could do for him... I'm sure it will start to hurt, but I've written down and remember all the arguments, I just replay them in my head and know that I made the right choice. He came to get his stuff before noon today and he was already drunk. He thought I was going to let him stay. Crazy how they ruin their life, loose everything and do nothing to help themself but drink more.
He's a great man when he is sober, but I just don't like him at all anymore. I pray he hits rock bottom and seeks help, but he is no longer my problem. I've given him every chance to get help and do better, he never follows through. My rage showed me that I needed to not be around him again.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 2nd, 2014
I was in the same situation, except we dated when we were young and then 30 years later he found me on facebook by his daughter adding me. Moved into together he Cheated on me during the drinking stage and like a fool for some reason I took him back. Went into a treatment center stayed for four days got out and came back home. I thought he would be ok. 6 months later started drinking again. Went to court over other accounts and put on probation for 10 years got went into another treatment center got sober on April 15. In between that time we broke up and got back numerous times. I would always think things would be different but they never were. Started becoming jealous over everyone, isolating me from my friends and family, checking my phone, computer and always throwing mad spells. There is a saying that an Alcoholic doesn't take on a relationship, they take on a hostage and that is what he did to me. I let him do that to me. I took him back again and again. and this new years he talked me into letting him come over. I didn't realize he had been drinking until he got here ad his ex wife drop him off. Started out mean but would not lay a hand on me because of his probation. He had been sober since April 15 and then started drinking before Christmas we had been broken up for three weeks. When he called me about new years eve. He would always tell me he I was his world and he wished he could only be mine. Every time someone would text me he would get mad. He was obsessed with my phone and then became obsessed with me. If I didn't answer his call he would get mad I had a certain amount of time to text him back. Today he said he was checking his self into the hospital but first he was going to make sure that he was drunk enough so ER would take him in. He did that once before. His daughter came to get him and he said this is your last chance and I open the door and said get out and slammed it behind him. Hurt me like hell. Angry yes I was very, sad yes, confused yes, I don't know what it is about him that will not let me give up on him and just stop loving him, but one thing I did realize is I can't loose myself and that is what I was doing. I pray that I can stop missing him. I hurt so bad. He called tonight but I didn't answer and that made me feel good about myself. I have lost every bit of self esteem I ever had. I pray I can get it back. how do you finally truly let go. Please tell me. I feel so lost.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 12th, 2011
I am sitting here reading these posts, crying. i have been with my bf for 6 years now, i love him sooo much he is a wonderful person when he doesn't drink. he can drink a hugh bottle of hard booze every night gets so drunk he starts not making sence,and his eyes start rolling back in his head and he passes out he has been drinking for 3 years now very heavy and says he drinks because of all the heart ache i have put him through. he told me he doesn't have a drinking problem and refuses to get help. he is over weight and i am afraid he will die if he doesnt get help. i told him i will leave him if he doesnt straighten out... i am in so much pain and doesnt see how it affects me at all... i love him sooooooooooooo much and i feel like such a bad person for wanting to leave him, i am afraid of what he will do once i leave.. it hurts so much :Sad
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 18th, 2011
Dear Friend

I know you are hurting but I have good news for you. There is a way to create the kind of life that you want but I will tell you right now that it has NOTHING to do with trying to change your boyfriend. In fact it has everything to do with changing what you are thinking about and focusing on.

What if, lets pretend for a second, he was taking on a role in the "movie" of your life to get you to start to see things differently? What if... When somebody is feeling the kind of pain that you are experiencing through this experience, it has opportunity written all over it because it's in these desperate times a person is more open to accept new possibilities to feel better.

Let me just tell you that this is more about you than your boyfriend. You have given him all of your power to decide whether or not you get to be happy. You've even allowed him blame you for his behaviors. Unless you've held the bottle to his mouth, tied him down, and poured it down his throat, you are no more responsible for his behaviors than the man on the moon.

You are responsible for your life! As long as you allow the people in your life and their behaviors dictate your level of happiness than you will be forever at the mercy of everyone else.

The more you can take responsibility for your own life and step into your own power, not only will you FEEL better but the people in your life will start treating you differently or they will leave.

Your life is important! You are here for a reason. You have your own divine purpose. Love yourself my dearest friend. Cherish yourself. Expect for yourself what you would for your child and no less. You are powerful beyond measure and in order to find this, you must relize the power to change and create what you want is within you.

I would recommend you find a life coach/councelor to help move you through these barriers. Start reading self help books. There's tons of them out there! The Vortex by Esther and Jerry Hicks is an excellent one to get you started. Anything by Wayne Dyer would be great. Gary Gukov - the seat of the Soul would be a good one. Marci Shimoff's - Love for No Reason

In this moment commit to focusing on what you DO want and not what you don't want. Commit to loving yourself enough to change. Pick one possitive thing a day and focus on and DO that.

Good luck my friend. I hope this helps.

Namaste!!
|
Did you find this post helpful?
Users who thank LMU for this post: chrisyfitz  OlderNGr8ful  tobefree  tobefree  Slhiaz 

replied January 2nd, 2014
Wow you lifted me up. I copied and pasted this and will print this and put it on my wall to read thank you so much. Please keep giving your wonderful advice it is so up lifting I was at the point of where I was feeling like I lost myself and what you said is what I WAS DOING. Thank you so much.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 31st, 2011
Recovering Alcoholics advice and or input....
Has anyone ever heard from the other side? Is there any alcoholics or recovering alcoholics that can offer their insights into what drives these people to do what they do and hurt the people that love them? How many recovering alcoholics actually stay with the ones that stuck by their sides thru it all and when they got sober left that very person? Do these alcoholics recovering or not ever really realize the pain and anguish they put people thru? I'm just wondering. It might be futile but i was just wondering if any alcoholics/recovering can answer some of this..
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 25th, 2011
JustLost--

Please see my full reply July 25, 2011.

--OlderNGr8ful
|
Did you find this post helpful?
Quick Reply