Breaking Up With An Alcoholic Boyfriend (Page 1)

My advice: he isn't going to change.I was in the same position as you some time ago and gave my ex so many chances,it was insane.be broke up 3 times (more than that bt those 3 were serious) and all 3 times he said he would stop.the last time he said it he did stop for me,we hadn't sen each other in months.He stopped but the urge was still there.I finally just broke it off and that night he went and got plastered.He has to do it for himself not someone else or else it isn't real.Stay away

well, i wouldnt say that he will NEVER change.. BUT he has to do it on his own. and it could take several years to before he gets there too, and before you could trust him again. he really needs to get into a recovery program, and NO, you can't be with him as he goes through this. if he really is going to get help, than he has to do it solo. it is most likey it get worse before it gets better. if you two are truely meant to be than you will find your way back together another time. good luck.

no one here can tell you if he will change or not
you have the power to help him

you never know what ya got til its gone and you did the right thing
hes scared hes gunna loose you now
id stand your ground and say youll be there for him as a friend for now and when he shows you hes sober or when he takes AA classes or something then youll go back
but for now stay strong girl-
it can either get 10times better or 50 times worse
best of luck

-suzy

agreed.

decide if you are in or you are out.
much like he has to do.

then support him 100% of the way - once in "caregiver mode" it does't matter what he says to you - you can take it -and help him

the trick is going back from caregiver mode to girlfriend
witout proper counseling
you can't do it

and he will get used to you being caregiver
but will still think you are his girlfriend
so when you start being the girlfriend again and start needing more from him than when you were the caregiver -he may find it confusing

it's entirely doable
as mental health gets understoon
they will stop making women's shelters
and start making mens shelters

women who have alcoholic husbands and who keep returning to them
know the real husband behind the illness
and they love that man
and they stick up for that man
and our health care system says for us to kick the man
to the curb and leave him and let him figure it out on his own - which he is obviously crap at if he is an alcoholic in the first place

why not capitalize on these women as a great support network for the men
of course the behaviour is not acceptable
that is easy to state
and of course the women need to be separated
but there can be conatct and
we can rehabilitate these men
and then we validate the women as well
and help everyone

we wait until things get too bad
until the behaviour ( which is a symptom not the condition) gets too far along
and everyone is past the point of no return

sadly this is when most women reach out
and where are services are designed to step in

once we get to a point where we can help those abusing alcohol on their way down- before things get beyond repair
we will be ahead of the game and on our way to rehablitating productively - these valuable members of our society.

well said melissa

I am going through this situation right now. Even if the person is in a recovery program the strain of being there through the ups and downs and mood swings is very hard on another person, especially a person who can''t understand alcoholism or why someone would want to destroy their body and their life and spend money doing it. I love to help people but what I have finally realized is that I am not willing to feel like another person- even someone that I love is destroying my life by putting me through their problems. You have to have love for yourself and your life too.

Hi i recently broke up with my partner of 15 years we have two beautiful children.I realised that his drinking was not only making me a very angry and lonely person it was going to do the same to my children. When I confronted my partner about his drinking he made out that I was crazy. Living with a drinker is a very lonely soul destroying experience. Although it is really hard being a single mom i realise that until my partner admits his problem there is no hope for us as a family.You are definately doing the right thing by leaving him. After 10 years you deserve the good things that life has to offer. Keep strong.x

Hi I have just broken up with my bf after only 2 years although I found out a year and a half ago I just kept wishing he would get better after going to the Doctors and asking for home detox - 3 times now but never seems to get much help. He feels destroyed now I have gone and I feel like I am letting him down and am being selfish. I love him loads but I have a daughter and have to put her first I don't want her to find out. I have become quiet and we don't go out of very often. I am trying to be strong but its so difficult. He just keeps telling me he loves me and that he can only get off drink if I am around as he needs my help. The reality is, so I keep telling myself, that if he loves me that much he will put me before the drink and stop but its really difficult. I think at the end of the day you have to look after yourself and your children and an alcoholic does not realise that what their doing how this affects their own and everyones lives in general and on a daily basis. It's not good going out for the day and you know that when he goes to the gents that really he is topping up his levels and having a quick drink from the Vodka bottle! So sad to see - just wish it would go away. Could do with some reassurance !. Thanks

Millie be very careful of anybody that tries to sell the idea that it's your responsibility to get them straight. Hasn't been so long ago I told my soon to be ex-husband that it isn't my job to reward him for sobriety or punish him for drunkeness ... turns out truer words were never spoken. Not only was it not my job to be responsible for his sobriety, he had others enlisted to see to his happiness in ways I'd never agree to. I didn't come in second to the bottle ... more like third or fourth, behind his girlfriends and other bad habits. Your only responsibility is to your children.

It's 4am and I've been reading your posts. I have been with my fella for 11 years - I knew he liked a drink but did not realise how much! It has caused so many problems between us, he has been to the doctors a few times and made half-hearted attempts to reduce it etc.

The state of play now is that last night we have decided to split - he says there's nobody else, not sure about that. He says that all we do is argue and I'm always going on at him. It's so hard watching someone you love drink until they fall asleep, tipping cider over themself on the settee as they sleep, can in hand - yes, I suppose I do go on about that. He says that he gets up, goes to work, holds down a job, so doesn't have a problem. Last night he drank 10 cans, the night before 12 cans. He drinks every night and his life revolves round when he can get a drink after work.

I can't get over the fact that he is quite calm about the situation, moving out etc and I'm quite emotional! He says he loves me "in his own way"! There has been no affection for a long time - just feeling totally crap at the moment.

Jane, I'm here reading the posts as well ..... discovering that I have a lot in common with the others, as well as you. Today I told my boyfriend of 2+ years that I couldn't deal any longer with his drinking and all that it entails. I feel for everyone who is going through what we are. Both "Rob" and I have been unemployed for some time due to the poor economy and while I have a small allowance from my fathers death, I have been the one supporting us and obviously supporting and enabling him. The guilt I feel is overwhelming, but I just can't "afford" him any longer - he claims he'll be back to work within the month due to an increase in the construction field where we live, but it doesn't change the fact that he drinks to excess and I can't stand to be around him. From the early morning hours until he passes out at night I'm left feeling alone and miserable about my situation and my life. I am now broke and might have to file for Chapter 7 bankruptcy, my only option is to move across the country to live with my mother until I can get my life together, I'm 45 years old and I've allowed myself to be sucked into this disgusting and unproductive life ...... it is so true that alcoholism is a family disease, not just about the one who drinks. I think I need to move and start fresh and wish him the best of luck, even though I must say that I feel like I'm abandoning him when he's at his most vulnerable and when he might hurt himself ...... his drinking is out of control and I just can't be a part of it anymore. God I wish someone would tell me I'm doing the right thing I feel crappy and alone ..... I guess I'm your typical co-dependant, enabling fool ...... God Help Me

Dear blueskies I have been with my bf for 4 years... We have broken up at least 15 times in those 4 years....If I had known what an alcoholic was, I would have never got involved in the relationship..The lies, the cheating, the mental abbuse has damaged me. 3 years ago he went to rehab....I took him back...he thought he was in control of his drinking now that he had gone to rehab. I nagged and complained, which i was told it was because of me he was drinking again....He had an affair which i sensed, he denied it saying i was crazy it was all in my head...That i had problems...after 6 months of snooping i found the proof...But stupid me took him back, his crying....The alcohol made him do it....He would say, he was a different person..to make a long story short...I broke it off yesterday, ive been in bed for 2 days crying and sick to my stomach because of the love i have for him. He works on the road and was back in the area of the affair he had in the beginning....I could tell when i would phone him he was drinking....when he got home i could tell something had happened again with the same woman or another...So again i am crazy..I need help..I cant deal with this anymore. He has an old girlfriend at his house to comfort him which leads to a one nite stand...I am a single mother, and he also has a daughter from another...I bought a home and he would pay nothing here or help out except mayb washing a plate or 2....I'm heartbroken i want him to leave me alone...So i can get over him. He has confinced me i have mental issues... I believe he used me to live free. and take care of him and his daughter..How could he live with himself cheating then coming to me??I fear in the next couple days he will be calling bawling..my kids are sick of it...please help me

I can totally relate. I've been with someone for a year living together 5 months out of that to help him with rent due to his prior job loss from drinking. The first 2 months were fine, but then the long weekend turned into a bender and he didn't go back to work. I worked p/t and i would come home to dishes that needed doing amonst other things.He would hover around me,repeating his feelings about me, make horribly sexist comments about women, very negative attitude and bothered me when I needed to sleep. I felt like I was going nuts, had a 3 day headache and was angry all the time. I didn't want to leave him when he was messed up, but when he was good I saw no reason to go.He would cut down, sober up for 2 or 3 days then start drinking again for like 3 weeks. When I mentioned it he would say he'll get better. I gave him about 25 chances. Then I realized he was sneaking mickeys(375 ml)liquor during his drink beer to come down tine. So I left and I am much happier. I felt better the next day. Good Luck!

Blueskies

I think you are brave. You are doing the right thing. I have been with my alcoholic "fiance" for 13 years. He is an alcoholic and aggessive. i have been recently made myself bankrupt - a long story but largely due to his drinking costs. I was once a successful woman working for the BBC, now I have nothing. I am an enabler and aplologist for him. I am sick of it and still with him and want to be successful again. I know I should leave him, but I am full of guilt and doubt too.

im 10 yrs wit my alcholic boyfriend. he is moving out friday. its killing me inside but i have to do it for me and my kids or so i keep telling myself.watching him drunk every eve after work is just soul destroying. he also urinates in corners during the nite cause hes half sleep walkin. i used to b a gud lookin girl but i had a breakdown a few yrs back and lost all care of my self pileing on 5 stone and im on antideppresents. he ignores me every nite. never holds me, never tells me he loves me, never kisses me never makes me feel like a woman. ive stayed as long as i cud. begging him to go to aa but its all been a waste of time. its a serious kick in the teeth when u have to walk away frm the one u love after 10 yrs. hearthbreaking

Im with my alcoholic finance for 6 years now. its 2 days to christmas and he's been drinking for 8 days straight.. we are bankrupt at this stage from his drinking, like others, he has promised he'll give it up, he blames my nagging for his drinking but he was a heavy drinker before we met. he has been in drying out clinics in the past. His drinking is destroying me, i have piled on the weight and my confidence is at rock bottom.. i dont think that I will ever get out of this situation.. it so hard to walk away at this point after 6 years of sacrifice for him, i have broken up with him many times but for no longer than a few days..

Hi. I have a very long and painful story. It started two years ago. Like many of you stated, you realized it a few months in there was a problem, and started to speak your voice, but it always ends up that they didn't have a problem. My ex stated to me plenty of times that he didn't have a problem because no one else told him he had a problem. Mind you, most of his friends are all addicts or some other sort of broken person. After our first year together I got pregnant and had an abortion because I didn't want to bring a child into the world and give them an alcoholic parent (I am a divorced mother of a 3 year old boy) This was really rough for me. The night I did it, he completly ignored me (took a pill to have a miscarriage) while he got drunk and exchanged gifts with his roommate (christmas time). Two weeks later he called me the "C" word and told me he didn't want to be with me. I was a mess. Can you imagine? two weeks after that was his first promise of how he was so sorry and would not drink "as much". That didn't last and all we did was fight. For some reason I still moved into his place in April and was there for two months before he got drunk one night and we had a stupid fight that normal couple have, but not normal for alcoholics. It became physical and he dragged me around the office and attempted to choke me. Luckily my son had left the week before to see his dad. I left that night and was at my mothers for two weeks when his letters to my son and myself started. Sorry how he would not see my son grow and how he was sorry to him. And the same to me. I gave him another chance, but this time I realized he was watching porn every night after I would go to bed, or the second I left to go anywhere (even though I never turned him down) it seems most alcoholics have this problem and my only thinking is because it's easier to please themselves than have the energy to perform with another person. I confronted him about that and he was a jerk. So the next day I went out and leased an apartment. A week after that he was so sorry, immediately quit drinking and said he's going to get it straight. That again lasted about two weeks. I was becoming numb to most of this and at times when he first did it, the rage I felt inside was so uncontrolable, I thought I personally would malfunction. And I think I almost did. A man became interested in me and he threatened to kill him. So this man would no longer talk to me. He put a tracking device on my laptop and I only found it after I moved into my apartment. Stupidy and unbelievably, I still gave him another chance because he said he quit drinking again. Again, it lasted a month and he told me he didn't like the sober life I was leading him down and wanted to drink instead of be with me. I was doing ok for a few weeks and he started leaving notes on my door (i didnt read it), texting me, emailing me, and I would come home to find the trash I left out front of my apartment gone. Again, I had found interest in someone and this scared me of a confrontation. I was doing well ignoring him until I transferred an email from him into a different file and saw the attachment he drew of me and ended up reading his email. He told me he was going to AA and counseling and doing it for him this time. I felt bad (why do we always feel bad?) and sent him a quick text of "good". It was a bad choice. It opened the lines of communication and I felt excited that he was going to be different because this time he was in AA. This time is lasted almost two months. This past Sunday I got upset because he never spends any time with my family and I spend a great deal with his, and became upset because he told me he had to "feed his fish and do laundry" instead of joining me for pizza at my sisters with my brother in law too. I told him I was sick of this and I was done (done with the behavior) So later when I came home I tried calling him to talk about it, but he refused to answer. Meaning only one thing. He was drunk. Wouldnt asnwer because I would hear his slurred speech. He said I broke up with him....This is where the blame game comes in so they have that excuse on why it was ok to drink. This time though, I told him I am done. It was always easier for me when he would drink and break up with me, but this time I did it. I told him I don't want him in my life anymore and I am done. The crappy thing is, he always has his "crazy" back off the wagon episode for about two weeks, then tries his sorries. I am hoping this time he won't. Has anyone else dealt with this? And mostly, has anyone else dealt with the feeling of rage inside? I was so angry over what he did to me again, that I told him I hoped he died and that I wanted to slight his throat and kill him. This is not the person I am and I always feel so gross with myself after I finally calm down from his abandonment. Sometimes it's hard not to think you are to blame, or to question yourself wondering if you are the nag they accuse you of. He said all I did was !**@! and he tried to accuse me of being controlling. Did anyone else get this? My controlling I guess was telling him it wasn't ok to watch porn more than be with me. To talk to his ex gf, to be drunk, to not spend time with me as a family and not play video games relentlessly. One quote was the best that he spewed at me: "you always only support things you think are good (working out) and never support me for things you don't like (like video games)" Granted, he's 32 and I am 30. So, this is my experience. And I am finally finding that self-respect. And I feel pretty damn good about it.

Hi. You just told my story very well. Wow is all I can say. I have felt like I am stuck inside a hell trying to really finally leave my best friend because I just cant take it anymore. I have been dealing with this abandonment for 2 weeks and 3 days now. I have googled so many things about this and read so many post. I know this is from 5 months ago but if you happen to see this I would love to email about you experience. I would love that feeling that I am not alone because I am still constantly doubting myself although it seems so black and white.

Thanks,
Megan

I find that doubting myself is the worst part. Some alcoholics are extremely manipulative, and blame everyone but themselves for things that go wrong. Even to the extent of blaming someone else because they dropped a dish and broke it themselves.
This is the abuse I have been dealing with for 8 years, and I have finally asked him to go to rehab or move out. It's VERY hard to get him to physically leave. He has his workshop in my barn. I have tried to break up many times before, and each time have given in because the process was so exhausting.
I finally have drummed up enough self esteem to really WANT to be out of the relationship.
I would rather not have to get a restraining order. I have told him that if he respects my boundaries and doesn't come in my house, that he can pay rent for the workshop. I have finally learned after all this time to remain absolutely calm as he hurls insults and blame at me, and I am proud of that. Hopefully he will do the right thing and go live with his brother nearby.

you are not alone,I feel horrible leaving the good guy, but when the bad guy comes out,its sabatoge...to me there is no guy.... period, just a brain full of alcohol,when hes drinking or not. its almost 6 years and i give up, and I feel so horrible because then they get nice and say they wont drink...and he was my night in shining armor,so i thought. he even works and pays the bills for the place i just bought for us, but now i havce to sell it because Im 50 and cant see going on like this ,I guess my menapause is giving me the strength to leave...we all have the same stories,we all feel the guilt because they feel nothing................

Wow i didnt think anyone was going through the exact thing i was...I just posted my story also under painstricken...

I cant believe how your story echos my story. I have finally stopped giving chances after four years. It is very hard as I am in love with this person but know that I had no choice any more but to leave him despite him getting everybody to call me. I have been strong for a month but I am feeling a bit wobbly at the moment. Hopefully I will stay strong though.

I think your story confirms that it is the drinker that has the issues however much they try to convince us it is us that has the problem.

Any further help you can give would be great.

Yes, I have felt so much rage. Today he finally left. It's been only one year and I'm so thankful that he is gone. He was ruining my life. I had to evict him to get him to leave. I also changed the locks today. I love him, but this is the only and best thing I could do for him... I'm sure it will start to hurt, but I've written down and remember all the arguments, I just replay them in my head and know that I made the right choice. He came to get his stuff before noon today and he was already drunk. He thought I was going to let him stay. Crazy how they ruin their life, loose everything and do nothing to help themself but drink more.
He's a great man when he is sober, but I just don't like him at all anymore. I pray he hits rock bottom and seeks help, but he is no longer my problem. I've given him every chance to get help and do better, he never follows through. My rage showed me that I needed to not be around him again.

I am sitting here reading these posts, crying. i have been with my bf for 6 years now, i love him sooo much he is a wonderful person when he doesn't drink. he can drink a hugh bottle of hard booze every night gets so drunk he starts not making sence,and his eyes start rolling back in his head and he passes out he has been drinking for 3 years now very heavy and says he drinks because of all the heart ache i have put him through. he told me he doesn't have a drinking problem and refuses to get help. he is over weight and i am afraid he will die if he doesnt get help. i told him i will leave him if he doesnt straighten out... i am in so much pain and doesnt see how it affects me at all... i love him sooooooooooooo much and i feel like such a bad person for wanting to leave him, i am afraid of what he will do once i leave.. it hurts so much :

Dear Friend

I know you are hurting but I have good news for you. There is a way to create the kind of life that you want but I will tell you right now that it has NOTHING to do with trying to change your boyfriend. In fact it has everything to do with changing what you are thinking about and focusing on.

What if, lets pretend for a second, he was taking on a role in the "movie" of your life to get you to start to see things differently? What if... When somebody is feeling the kind of pain that you are experiencing through this experience, it has opportunity written all over it because it's in these desperate times a person is more open to accept new possibilities to feel better.

Let me just tell you that this is more about you than your boyfriend. You have given him all of your power to decide whether or not you get to be happy. You've even allowed him blame you for his behaviors. Unless you've held the bottle to his mouth, tied him down, and poured it down his throat, you are no more responsible for his behaviors than the man on the moon.

You are responsible for your life! As long as you allow the people in your life and their behaviors dictate your level of happiness than you will be forever at the mercy of everyone else.

The more you can take responsibility for your own life and step into your own power, not only will you FEEL better but the people in your life will start treating you differently or they will leave.

Your life is important! You are here for a reason. You have your own divine purpose. Love yourself my dearest friend. Cherish yourself. Expect for yourself what you would for your child and no less. You are powerful beyond measure and in order to find this, you must relize the power to change and create what you want is within you.

I would recommend you find a life coach/councelor to help move you through these barriers. Start reading self help books. There's tons of them out there! The Vortex by Esther and Jerry Hicks is an excellent one to get you started. Anything by Wayne Dyer would be great. Gary Gukov - the seat of the Soul would be a good one. Marci Shimoff's - Love for No Reason

In this moment commit to focusing on what you DO want and not what you don't want. Commit to loving yourself enough to change. Pick one possitive thing a day and focus on and DO that.

Good luck my friend. I hope this helps.

Namaste!!

Has anyone ever heard from the other side? Is there any alcoholics or recovering alcoholics that can offer their insights into what drives these people to do what they do and hurt the people that love them? How many recovering alcoholics actually stay with the ones that stuck by their sides thru it all and when they got sober left that very person? Do these alcoholics recovering or not ever really realize the pain and anguish they put people thru? I'm just wondering. It might be futile but i was just wondering if any alcoholics/recovering can answer some of this..

JustLost--

Please see my full reply July 25, 2011.

--OlderNGr8ful