id meet u with her and see how it goes. dont have your mind set on her back in your life, but take it slow and see if maybe things have changed and you guys can start again.


remember
real love never dies

that's not true. I have truly loved more than one for sure. Look the thurth is that there is not just one person in the world for you. There is obviously many people with whom you can love and marry. But you are going to choose one person. A lifetime of happiness is not based on chance or on a sort of predetermined cosmic blueprint rather it is based on two persons making a mature decision to love each other for the rest of life.

Yes, in your experience it's not true BUT in his experience it is. I also believe that you can love more than one person.. You love your parents your siblings etc. However, in my finding I also have just loved ONE other person.. Perhaps you were feeling infactuation with the many men you have loved, because if you really loved them I don't think that you could leave them and love another...

Maybe its because you loved her alot and due to problems you had at the time you felt that they had gotten in the way. Maybe NOW you feel that you could really love her if given the chance, and if none of that stuff happened you could be with her? Am I right. Perhaps thats why you never got over it? What does she do now?

My mom dated someone when she was 13, 14 and 15 then they broke up due to a death in his family he didn't think that he could be with her. At 16 my mom and dad got pregnant with my brother. So, they got married and had me and 25 years past. NOW just last year my mom is back with the same guy her first love from when she was 13-15.. So, you never really know what could happen

oh no i didn't leave them actually, they left me so I moved on to love another.

i actually quoted the book they give us at marriage prep class. It also talks about the myth of marital determinism. It presupposes that the success of you marriage is determined by finding that "one" right person for you. If you don't happen to find that special partner, then a life of unhappiness and or divorce is inevitable. But if you do find Mr. or Ms right a life of joy and peace is sure to follow. Then it says that when the rough times do occur in the marriage you may be more inclined to view your marital troubles as an indication that you did not find the "right" person. And instead of trying to work together on the relationship you simply agree to break up because "it was a big mistake from the start"..just a thought to keep in your perspective..

loving someone is a decision you make.

I can understand when someone says they have only loved one like my coworker who married the only bf she ever had. They met since kindergarden and married and neither of them had ever been with someone else. But when you deal with breakups and marry late like me at 34 trust me you have loved more than one.

dale 123,
i think your right, what was happening at the time was getting in the way.
what happened was that i was going schizophrenic so i went to the docs and went into hospital to make myself better also so i wouldnt lose my girlfriend. unfortunately she left while i was in hospital, she couldnt handle me and i ended up in the nuthouse for 18 months, when she left i obviously got worse.
she recently apologised for not sticking around and says she was half to blame for the break up and that it wasnt all my fault which i seem to think. the thing is, she didnt expect to see me again so threw all my stuff in the bin and moved on so i guess whatever feelings she had for me are gone.
i still love her as much as i did when i first met her.

then go get her!!!!!!!!!

I must express a different opinion.

You're still carrying a torch for someone for the last 10 years. You haven't seen her in all that time and have only been in communication lately, am I reading your posts right?

Ten years is a very long time--no one is the same as they were 10 years ago. Think about where you were 10 years ago, what you wanted out of life, what plans you had (aside from her). Are they the same plans as they are now?

I'm 50 and what I wanted 10 years ago is not all of what I want now. Everyone changes over time. Not necessarily 180 degrees but I don't know very many people whose lives are a straight line. I see it more as, well, not a straight line. Not a curve, but a series of branches. You go down one path that seems interesting and it dries up so you try something else. That's what makes people so interesting--they evolve over time.

As far as this love-thing (and I'm not belittling your feelings, believe me) goes, there are many different kinds of love. I have a friend who I've known for almost 30 years (I met him at my first Real Job out of college) and have loved him for most of that time. He's married as am I (something I swore even into my 30s I would never do, particularly after an experience I describe below) and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for him, I value him that much. We now live 1000 miles apart and he's going through a very difficult time right now but if he needed me I'd get up there just as quickly as I could. I would never leave my husband for him and if he left his wife for me I would have to shake some sense into him.

When I was 18 I met someone who was my first "True Love" and thought he was The One. My sun, my moon, my stars. We were together for just over four years and had I married him I would have put a bullet through my head by now. I had a way different idea about what relationships were about back then--I slavishly devoted myself to him and after awhile it wasn't enough. He saw my lack of self-esteem as something to exploit and I let him do it in spades. I finally got up the courage to leave him (actually, the parting was mutual); back then I'd settle for a bad relationship (I let him emotionally abuse me) rather than be alone. How foolish I was, but I learned some very valuable lessons.

I guess I'm just not the romantic kind to say Go After Her. Instead I would say, Get Together and Take It Slowly. You might learn that she's not the person she was 10 years ago and you're not compatible (sp?) as you were back then, except as friends.

What kind of friend would leave another during a time of crisis? And never aplogized? And now comes back in? Did she ever apologize for deserting you when you most needed her? If I ever did that to anyone I would die before I faced them again I'd be so ashamed.

It doesn't sound as though you've pursued many other chances for relationships in all that tme. You may have missed out on some opportunities to, at the very least, make some new female friends. Friends of the opposite sex can sometimes be more helpful than those of your sex (again, I speak from experience).

Yes, you can love someone you may never be able to have for the rest of your life but, chances are, you've idealized that person to the point of having lost reality. I've had crushes on men (I still do but I don't act on them) that, once I get to know them, I realize that the attraction was based on a false premise.

So, what to do, what to do? If you feel that reconnecting is the way to go then try it. Keep an extremely open mind and expect that she will do the same. In the meantime, if you're in a situation where you can meet other people (men and women) and become friends then do it. If She isn't the person you that she was at least you'll have people to help you pick up the pieces. If things turn out well you'll have people to share your happiness.

Sorry for rambling--it's been a long day and it's past my bedtime (it's all of 8:20 p.m.).

Good luck and please keep posting.

I hope that I am right it just seems like it's meant to be to me. I mean I truly think that you have someone you love and don't want to let go. She must have some interet if she still talks to you and she has said sorry etc. I think it would be good to go on a date and start out slowly

maybe it isn't HER you were in love with, but the way she made you feel...and if thats the case, then you'll find someone in time

I don't think so. I think that he loves her.. After ten years he hasn't found someone who makes him feel like that.. I think he hsould go for her! Atleast see how things turn out

well shes the only one ever to make me feel that good. shes the only woman i have never cheated on and would never have, i used to be a bstard with women.
as soon as i saw her i fealt the old butterflies in the stomach, well it more like a punch in the guts and a knockout punch and i guess it was love at first sight, i didnt believe love at first sight until i saw her.
i could tell you story how we first met and you might say it was fate as the chances of it happening where practically zilch. anyone wanna hear it?
also , she left in 1997, i left hospital in 98, and we where talking to each other on the phone in 2000, since then its been emails and letters, ive not spoken to her on phone for 5 years and i wouldnt know what to say, but emails are pleasant.
thanks ppl for your advice, i will take things slow as i dont expect her to have much feelings for me as its been 10 years now. i,m still not sure how to go about things, slow? easy and see how things move by themselves?

I know from my personal expernc. 10 years is a long time. what i thought was my first love and only love left me after 3 years together. almost ten years have passed and i couldnt even imagine beign with him now. we are totally two different people we where back 8 years ago. i remember about 5 years after we broke up we went and got coffee and sat and talked. it was great. we caught up on times and whatnot, but honestly i couldnt see anything more than a friendship. i think maybe u should get out there and see waht else is out there. i believe you said u hadnt dated in 10 years so how do u know there is no one else out there for you? y dont you guys talk on teh phone? why is it just letters and emails??? does she not want to talk on the phone??? now this is jus tmy own thought, but i think u should move on.

Sure, tell us how you met! I'd be interested.

How to take things slowly? Here's a suggestion--when and if you do see her again, when you feel the urge to do something swoony (in other words, you want to say romantic things), DON'T! Pull back the reins hard--pull the brake on the train, just let the feeling pass. Easy to say, I know, but all you have to do is get in the habit of doing it. That first step is always the hardest.

I still can't believe that she deserted you! I guess that's what galls me the most. You seem to be vey vulnerable right now and she COULD (*not* saying she WOULD) take advantage of you. I think all of us have gone the "Love At First Sight" thing--I know I did. There are relationships that survive the "Love At First Sight" thing.

You didn't say how long you were together before you went to the hospital. If it was only a few months then I should think you'd want to treat her as if you were meeting her for the first time. You pretty much are. There's no need to rush into anything, particularly if she sends signals in that direction. You have to be able to think clearly whilst everything around you is spinning and, brother, that isn't easy. If this is meant to be it will happen.

The worst that can happen is that you feel disillusioned and sad. If that happens, you mourn your loss and get on with your life.

The second-best thing that can happen is that you're disillusioned about the romance but out of that you develop a friendship. I have friends I feel that I'm closer to than I am to my husband at times. Real friends accept you for who you are but they also won't you get away with anything. I wouldn't trade those friends for all the romance in the world.

The best thing that could happen, obviously, is that the spark rekindles feelings. However, I feel you deserve an explanation from her about why she ran out on you. If she seems truly sorry and will go out of her way to make it up to you, great. If she won't give you an answer or is very flippant about it, this is a big red flag.

Sometimes settling for second-best isn't so bad.

Consider doing things in public places--going to a museum, taking a walk, do a "mall-crawl", going to a play or a movie or some sporting event. Nothing even remotely romantic. You need to get an idea of what she's like now, how she feels about things (not romantic, just what her opinions are on whatever), her likes and dislikes, everything you would do with someone you're developing a friendship with. After all, without friendship as a basis there can be no future relationship.

One last question: what would you tell a friend who came to you with tihis problem and needed some advice? What would you tell him/her?

Good luck.

When I was 25 I met the love of my life (that's what we thought) and he did not hesitate to tell me that he has been to a mental ward - been treated very badly there - twice for a longer time.
We were tied together from day1 and I did see he was "strange" in ways but I would have put my hand in the fire for him. He never showed any behaviour of disturbance or hallucation. Occasionally he "ranted" about things in a manner thatI literally did not understand what he was trying to say - otherwise he barely spoke - but I thought we just live in two different worlds which was fine. I still believe up to this day everybody is on their own trip.

After 3 months he told me I was his first girlfriend ever. This suprised me as he was 27, and myself, with 25, had my good share of men by then already. He did have occasional nights with girls but he thought no-one is worth to date aqain.

After a fantastic 1 year I started drinking and became intolarable. He took it for another year but became more and more quiet and lost in his books and hobbies. I always acted like nothing happened but told him to get out of my life when I was drunk. Next day I did not remember but did not have a clue why I am doing this. The happiness slowly ceased between us and became total unhappiness. At a sudden fight he called it quits and there was no contact for another year.

I was saddened but for some reason I felt this all happened because I did not love this person with my full heart. Why would I start drinking if I was happy? Why did I feel every time I am home with him in the evening I quickly have to grab a drink to feel better? And then 5 more until I faint...

A year later, he knocks on my door and says he realized he loves me and wants me and I am the one for his life. My heart melted. I realized I had not looked at a single man for a year and was still waiting for this to happen.
We started again and even moved in together.

Three months later I noticed that the anxiety, the heartwarming feeling when I think about him is not there any more. It was there the entire year this was supposed to be over, and now it is here, I feel nothing. I could tell that he feels awkward too. In the evening, there was no funny cooking together or going to see things like we used to, just everyone getting lost in their hobbies quietly, like we were alone. The problem was not not talking but this desire for both of us to be alone rather.

This time I told him this is not working and he immediately nodded. We sadly parted and did not make any efforts to keep friends. Maybe it was the past that stood between us.

This spring, after another 2 years, I accidently met him on the street and we sat down for a good 2something hour coffee. We were both really happy and I had the "long time no see old friend" feeling and I think he did too. He told me after the last breakup he relapsed into the hospital and spent another 3 months at the ward, but then was released and given medication. Also, he had no girlfriend since and has no plans to do so.

The way I see it now is that there are people who are just different from others. If I look back on the men I loved, this guy is special to me and I felt something towards him that was somehow more than towards the others. But it did not work and possibly it was my fault. Regardless of how much more I loved him than anyone else, I cannot imagine wanting to start this relationship again, because I know it would not work again. To me, the magic was lost at the first breakup and the blue bird will not fly backwards.

There is no conclusion to your story from this one. But one thing I am thinking is that if we had not given a second chance to oursleves back then, we may never have gotten over it.

Thanks soo much! for keeping up with theis post.. Yes, see how they move by themselves.. Don't push it too soon..

Good luck! Keep us updated... How are things going now.

You made this post awhile ago and I was thinking of you... How are things going now?

just an update and to say thanks for all your comments.
at the min things are going as usual, emails to each other. i,m hopefully going to see her soon, maybe in 4-5 weeks, not sure yet, its going to feel strange when i see her.
i,ll keep you updated on how things go.