It certainly sounds like you are suffering from social anxiety disorder and may have even experienced a panic attack which is what I struggle with. I am in a group based on cbt and we are two thirds of the way donew with the group and the stuff they are teaching us is really starting to work. I am having less anxiety and less physical symptoms and the group still has a month to go before we are done. The book we are using in my group (been there, done that? Do this! By sam obitz) is really good and it has really short chapters that are easy to absorb so I would recommend reading a copy if you can. You can probably get it in your library or order it on-line like I did. I would also recommend trying to get involved in a cbt group in your community if you can as it helps to work on the exercises with others. There are several people on this board that have cured their anxiety through cbt that can probably add more if they see your note

I know exactly how you feel. I hate going into the store and a lot of the time I will drive there, pull in, and then turn around and go home. It is very hard for me to get and keep a job because I want to go, but I am too nervous. I am on zoloft now which definately helps with the panic attacks, but I still hate going shopping and in public. It is easier, but I hate it. I would go see your doctor and see what he/she suggests. Low dosages of anxiety meds couldn't hurt and should help you in some way. I cannot imagine going back to how I felt before I started taking meds. I would stay in my room 24/7.

it really helps to know that there are other people who have trouble with shopping like I do. I always thought it was kind of my own personal psychosis.



i'll look it up, thanks

We are all different/unique & so what works for one person or what has no harmful side effects on one person well may have or may not work for another so here are a couple of alternatives that you may want to consider or be aware of - just in case.

Yoga/pilates/meditation/relaxation (all of which you can get tapes/videos) can be done in groups or on our own & can help reduce stress & anxiety, as can some gentle walking exercise especially around dawn when something in the rays of the sun(even if it's overcast) helps balance the brain chemicals which affect stress levels. The exercise would also perhaps help you reduce the weight it sounds like you don't want.

There are natural medications too which so long s they are taken as recommended can reduce stress & anxiety - see: sam-e, 5htp (tryptophan) & dhea (which can also help reduce weight) plus vitamin b's.

I missed out on so much when I was at university because all I could face was attending for lectures & tutorials nothing extra, nothing social, not even studying there - at your age I would throw up if I had to go even to a relatives house for a chat much less a party with strangers. I still get stressed about this & many other things, but I have taught myself to control it to a point where I can survive in general.

you talk about why nobody dresses like you, why you can't talk to people esp. Girls, why you can't sell your car, get your grades up & get yourself together etc. That's stress & insecurity perhaps lack of self-esteem talking & as you continue to tell yourself all this negative stuff so your sub-conscious mind believes it all the more & things get worse & you feed yourself more negatives & the viscious cycle grows.

you need to put some positive thoughts/beliefs/ideas into your sub-conscious, whenever you think a negative replace it with a positve. Why can't you talk to girls? Replace this with: I can talk to girls they're just people, :d start trying to just say hi to less popular girls (they're probably feeling just as lonely & left out as you) smile :d & say hi, a smile :d will make you & them feel good. Smile :d & ask can you help if you can & say for example see them struggling with books.

But think before you act, a guy who likes my daughter (he sent her an sms to tell her) is your age & at university (college) & tries to gain her attention by throwing grapes at her, hitting her with his bag & asking her to miss classes or go way way out of her way to spend 15 minutes with him watching him eat (she'd already eaten) anyway she just thinks he's a pain because his behaviour is immature & hitting her with his bag actually hurt her. So think about your behaviour & don't act like a stalker, just be yourself, you sound like a nice guy. If girls don't talk to you have you considered that it may be becausue of what you say or do when you're drunk & do talk to them??????

you also mentioned that you're avoiding your friends but you do have them, is there anyone there that you could ask whether your dress sense is really weird/bizarre or whether it's fine & you just think it's not due to lack of self-esteem? After all it's abit hard for anyone here to advise you since we can't see you, although at 19 jeans & t or sweatshirt should be fine so long as they're not filthy & don't have anything objectionable on them (like want to get raped, etc).

Last but not least have you always been like this even if only mildly or has it started recently say with the weight gain & what happened or what did you stop doing/start doing or did you start a medication? That perhaps caused the weight gain?? If you can't figure out why the weight gain then perhaps you should consider getting checked out by a dr, as there are many things that can cause this including eating the wrong foods, my daughter has irritable bowel syndrome & loses weight unless she avoids certain foods but a friend who has the same condition gains weight unless she avoids certain foods!! Certain medications can also cause weight gain. Of course if I worked in a bakery i'd be in real trouble & gain weight every second just on the smell!!

Good luck

Well, the weight gain seems to be mostly the result of working in a bakery 30 hours a week, which took away the time I used to spend at the gym and replaced it with 6 hours a day surrounded by cookies. I am still technically in the "healthy range" for my hight and body type, but I now go about 195 at 6'2.5, and I can really see that I have put on weight, plus its all fat. I think I gained most of it in a 2 week period last summer actually, when all my friends that were shipping off to college and I partied for 2 solid weeks(my parents were out of town) and I ate pizza for every meal, drank guiness by the 6-pack, and then went to work at 6:00am to eat doughnuts. After the crazy few weeks my parents got home and my dad commented that I looked heavier, and when I asked him to explain he said that he could see the muscles in my neck before they left, and now he couldnt. I was amazed that I could have put on that much weight that quickly, but sure enough I went from 170 to 190 in 2-3 weeks. It really didnt seem to affect my self estem or mental state that much, but the mental state that I have always had has really gotten in my way of going back to the gym or running or anything.


After school started all but 2 or 3 of my friends(and only 1 good one) who I have had since middle school left(this is my 2nd year of college, but a lot of them were a year younger or dropped out of college last year and are now shipping off), so naturally things slowed down as far as friend stuff goes.


As far as being nice to girls or to drunk to talk etc. I really dont drink much, there was a period last summer where I partied a lot and every few months i'll go to a college party and often get smashed, but away from that I dont drink. I'm usually a very nice guy, but I tend not to be agressive enough. I dont strike up conversations very well, I have trouble finding words, hell, the vast majority of the time i'm so nervious that I just dont do anything at all. Its frusturating as hell because my articulation is usualy pretty good. I know being drunk wouldnt help, because I have been told more than a few times that i'm not the nicest drunk on earth, so I try not to get drunk around girls i'm interested in. Course, sometimes with how nervous I get I wonder if they can tell at all.


I would prefer avoiding medication if I can, I feel like I just need to kick myself out of this rut and i'll be golden, but every time I try I wind up falling on my ass.


One thing that really used to relax me was working out, I would love to get back to the gym 2 or 3 times a week, but right now I work 30-40 hours a week, and go to school full time(13 cred hours). I cant seem to get around my need for a couple hours a day of "screw around time", or maybe I could still make it. Doesnt really matter anyway, my workout partner moved to tuscon last semester.

Homer

the question is, do you want help or do you just want to whinge?
You have basically ignored all the suggestions, either you don't want to do them, haven't got time for them, or can't do them & it seems that you're not prepared to try!!

making frinds be they male or female can start pretty simply by smiling & saying hi to people in your classes, or neighbours etc. Then after a few hi's & smiles, there's how are you, or what do you think of this class/lecturer, or what other subjects do you enjoy, which do you like most etc, then in time hey I thought it might be good if a few of us got together to form a study group (remember the other people will also contribute to the conversation you don't have to do it all, just respond when they make a remark or ask a question!!), if the person is not at college then talk about the weather, their garden, their car etc. Take baby steps, starting with a smile & a hi/hello, or can I help you with that.

Like I said before girls can be just as lonely or tongue tied as you, but I do suggest you start with the quieter, shy, less outgoing girls as they may suffer just like you so are more likely to be patient etc.

You don't have to have a partner to work out with just do some walking - maybe take the long way between classes or use stairs more often or jog instead of walking, that's a start & would help lose that weight. Also cut down on nibbling while at work!!

You want to avoid medications - since when are natural supplements medications?? The things I suggested you should be able to get from a health food store, just like you would vitamins.

Others suggested cbt & a book (a small one at that) surely if you actually want your life to change for the better you could sit in your room & read it? Or is sitting there alone unable to do anything & knowing ou've misssed yet another class a better option????

No-one can help you except you.

i guess that last post did seem a little self-pitying. I dont think I made my mesage clear, I was just trying to describe what led up to where I am now, not to make excuses about why I dont go do anything about it.(well, the workout thing may have been a excuse. Just a little)

i'm lookin for the book, I just asked my brother if he could make time on thursday and tuesday nights to go to the gym with me(i'f I intend to do weight trainging play raquetball etc. As I like to I really do need a partner), and I have only had school sceduled once(and I did go) since I posted that first message. I geuss I didnt read the names of the supplements, because I thought they wer meds. I'm workin on helpin myself, but I think it may take me a week or so to get to the libary or the gnc.


I'm feeling pretty good today, my nerves are more even. I'm gunna try to go buy some clothes and get a haircut. Its funny because 2 days ago I felt like if I left my room I may just keel over dead.

Homer,

glad that you're taking steps to help yourself & now understand need for partner at gym!!

Don't get too sure of yourself, it's fantastic that you're feeling better today but we all know (inc.You) that feeling good tends not to last so if you forget to act to remedy your depression/fears/anti-socialness then you will go back & usually we feel worse every tme we go back knowing that we've done nothing.

Of course no matter how hard you work there will always be backsteps but by keeping on working to make yourself feel better you will gradually succeed & get better.

Good luck

Hi. I read your posts about anxiety disorder. Though I dont think I have this problem, one thing that bothers me is that I have a problem giving a speech in front of a large audience. I am a good singer and I have been able to sing to an audience without any problems but when it comes to giving a good speech, I feel scared.
As part of my masters program I had to give seminars and though I got past them, it was not easy

can you shed some light on this? Hotasfrick, do you think this is some kind of anxiety disorder too?

Thanks in advance!

Hi again purple you gave homer a lot of good advice here. Cbt takes a lot of effort but gets easier the more you use it and you have to be motivated to help yourself for it to work.

Homer, you're welcome for the book recommendation, but you have to do the exercises for it to work, just reading it or any other cbt book won't help much, but when you are ready to use the tools in cbt it is pretty good stuff

Niceguy,

anxiety attacks/disorders can be general or specific (yours seems very specific - perhaps when you sing you can act being another person but when you talk you are still you). If this is the case try acting out a role when you have to give a speech or address a group of people, pretend that you're the boss, or an actor in a movie or something. Another thing that I know has worked for alot of people is imagining everyone who is listening to you is sitting there in only there underwear!!!!!!!!!!!!

I personally haven't tried that, I think i'd laugh too much!!

I'm with purple on the underwear thing. I would laugh, but then some people I would never be the same again if I pictured them in their underwear. I may just throw up right then and there.
But anyway, niceguy, it could be anxiety, or it could just be one of the fears that you need to overcome somehow.

Hey purple, thanks for the idea. That underwear one is one I have heard a lot! Maybe I will just restrict the idea to the female species ???
(hey I am just kidding)

hotasfrick, yes, I dont think its anxiety. I just thought I would ask anyway.
Never hurts to ask and get other people's opinions right?

Take care and god bless.

hi homer-
looks like you have already gotten a lot of great advice... And some unsolicited comic relief about underwear and speech giving ....
The answer for me was cognitive behavioral therapy (cbt). I was on meds for many years before I found cbt and it cured me and got me off meds in a remarkably short period of time. Best of all once you learn the tools in cbt you have them forever so you are able to give yourself relief almost instantly whenever you are feeling stressed, anxious or down. It's all about using the tools to learn to think more clearly and accurately about things and once you do your anxiety, panic and depression will begin to lift before your eyes. My favorite starter book on cbt is the "been there, done that? Do this! Book by sam obitz like anything in life the more you put in the more you get out of cbt.

Q