Ok..already posted that we haven't had sex
in 2 and a half months...I am going nuts
over that right now...but here is another
thing. I am with a man who is not
affectionate what so ever. He never really
has been...of course he has had his
moments of affection but when it comes to
affection we are on two different levels.
I am very sexual, very affectionate. My
parents still kiss everytime they see each
other and they see each other every
morning and every night. We are just
affectionate people. I once mentioned it
to my fiance's aunt and she told me that
he gets it from his mother because she is
not at all affectionate either and never
was therefore they are pretty cold...it
seems as though most of his family is like
that. When I mention it to him he just
says that is not him...but I feel like I
am not being affectionate because it's
just not him so I am doing it for him, but
he's not even trying a little with me. If
I am lucky once in a while I can walk up
to him and give him a nice hug and a few
kisses but really you can tell it's not
comfortable for him...how can I get him to
at least try a little for me, I hold back
for him because he doesn't like it I just
want him to try for me a little, I need
it.
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meblonde01
Supporter
Joined: 11 Apr 2007 Posts: 2132 Location: ,
Thanks: 6
Thanked:2
Re: In Need of Affection Posted: 07-17-07 06:41am
womaninpain
wrote:
Ok..already posted that we
haven't had sex in 2 and a half months...I
am going nuts over that right now...but
here is another thing. I am with a man who
is not affectionate what so ever. He never
really has been...of course he has had his
moments of affection but when it comes to
affection we are on two different levels.
I am very sexual, very affectionate. My
parents still kiss everytime they see each
other and they see each other every
morning and every night. We are just
affectionate people. I once mentioned it
to my fiance's aunt and she told me that
he gets it from his mother because she is
not at all affectionate either and never
was therefore they are pretty cold...it
seems as though most of his family is like
that. When I mention it to him he just
says that is not him...but I feel like I
am not being affectionate because it's
just not him so I am doing it for him, but
he's not even trying a little with me. If
I am lucky once in a while I can walk up
to him and give him a nice hug and a few
kisses but really you can tell it's not
comfortable for him...how can I get him to
at least try a little for me, I hold back
for him because he doesn't like it I just
want him to try for me a little, I need
it.
That's a tuff one because some people are
just raised different and don't respond to
touching and hugs to well, But I guess
what I would do, is tell him. Tell him it
is something you need in your
relationship, that you don't feel wanted
when someone is stand offish to you. Tell
him you need sex to. That it is an
important part of your relationship. Be
honest. Tell him that your relationship is
going to survive if there is not more
intimacy. And it probably won't. Just be
honest with him. In a nice way. Tell him
you know he is not like you but there
needs to be a little give and take here
before it get worst. Don’t blame him.
Just tell him. Good Luck.
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womaninpain
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Jul 2007 Posts: 179
Posted: 07-17-07 09:53am
I think that is part of my problem...the
way I deliver things, I am going to try
and talk to him within the next few days.
Today we were at Dunkin Donuts waiting for
our coffee and I just reached up and gave
him a kiss and told him I loved him and he
was just so stand offish as always and I
can't stand it. I guess we really need to
learn how to deal with the other one when
it comes to this but I am afraid that he
won't budge.
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womaninpain
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Jul 2007 Posts: 179
Posted: 07-18-07 13:06pm
We had a long talk this afternoon at
lunch...he told me that my appearance no
matter what does not matter to him that he
loves me and is attracted to me and wants
me he's just not like that, and even less
lately because we have had so many
problems and he is tired and we have
argued so much and our relationship itself
turned him off...I understand where he is
coming from with that. He said that the
problems we had have turned him into an
angry person and made him a way he does
not want to be. So...we decided that we
will calm it down a little with our
problems and work hard for our child. We
are going to stay together but we need to
just step back, that part is a little
confusing to me, I don't get that part but
I do understand the rest of it all...
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meblonde01
Supporter
Joined: 11 Apr 2007 Posts: 2132 Location: ,
Thanks: 6
Thanked:2
Posted: 07-19-07 06:23am
womaninpain
wrote:
We had a long talk this
afternoon at lunch...he told me that my
appearance no matter what does not matter
to him that he loves me and is attracted
to me and wants me he's just not like
that, and even less lately because we have
had so many problems and he is tired and
we have argued so much and our
relationship itself turned him off...I
understand where he is coming from with
that. He said that the problems we had
have turned him into an angry person and
made him a way he does not want to be.
So...we decided that we will calm it down
a little with our problems and work hard
for our child. We are going to stay
together but we need to just step back,
that part is a little confusing to me, I
don't get that part but I do understand
the rest of it
all...
I don't understand the step back part
either. I would think you need to move
ahead, not step back. Try to be closer,
not distant. But at least you let him know
how you felt.
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womaninpain
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Jul 2007 Posts: 179
Posted: 07-19-07 09:08am
I asked him about it, I told him that I
needed him to be clearer for me. He said
that he doesn't want to break up he very
much wants to be together because he loves
me and wants us to be a family. He said
that he wants us to still do the things we
have been doing, hanging out with family
and friends and doing stuff with our
daughter but he wants me to spend some
time with my friends at times (I never go
out anymore, I am a mom) and get out
because I am always in the house thinking
about our relationship and he thinks that
at this moment we should limit the things
we do together alone because everytime we
are alone we have been fighting. He thinks
that if we have some fun together (which
is how it goes when we do things as a
family or with friends) then we won't be
so stressed out and fight as much and we
can enjoy our time with each other. I
don't know how it is going to work, I see
him just about everyday and we really
don't spend a ton of time alone now
because our alone time usually includes
our daughter anyway.
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blulyneguy
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Jan 2007 Posts: 334 Location: Idaho,
Try This... Posted: 07-19-07 09:21am
I too am the affectionate one in my
marriage. My wife never hugs/kisses her
mom or dad. I am constantly touching her,
hugging, kissing, etc. I know she's
uncomfortable with it (she used to be) but
after 14 years, I realized 2 things-
1.) She is not going to change
2.) I am not going to change
I still hug,kiss,pat on the butt, etc.
much to her eye rolling. I told her that
that is how I show my love. She accepts it
now. She has no choice. I do it even if
she says no. It makes me feel good by
'showing' her I love her. She no longer
gets mad/upset if I show her affection.
She tolerates it like a dog being held
down and petted. But at least she
understands. Hopefully your hubby can
understand that you are going to show him
you love him- and he'll just have to deal
with it.
Hey- could be worse. He could be with
someone that never touches him. Is it that
bad that someone you love touches you?
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womaninpain
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Jul 2007 Posts: 179
Posted: 07-19-07 09:28am
I understand completely...it really sucks
because I would love to get some affection
back but it just doesn't seem like it will
happen..my fiance is so playful too..to
him that is his way of showing affection,
so I have a better chance of getting a
smack on the butt or a tap on the shoulder
and he runs before I get a hug or a kiss
out of him. Everyday though when we see
each other and leave each other (could be
4 or 5 times a day) I have gotten him into
the habit of a little kiss on the lips but
it does feel forced and I always have to
reach in for it. See that's the thing, he
will kiss me back if I do it but it would
be nice to not feel like he is just doing
it just to do it and I don't do it all
that often because he will complain or
tell me "enough" lol. I guess we both just
have to deal with it, but it makes me feel
like a little something is missing...and
now that I read your post...I have been
with him all of these years and I have
NEVER seen him kiss his mother or seen
them hug at all!
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blulyneguy
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Jan 2007 Posts: 334 Location: Idaho,
I Hear Ya Posted: 07-19-07 09:33am
I completely understand how you feel. I am
the initiator of all contact in my house.
Like I said, he is probably not going to
change so be the aggressor. Nothing wrong
with a little torture now and then. Hold
him down, or sit on him and kiss him.
He'll hate it but it's fun. I constantly
(at least once a day) lean to kiss my wife
and instead lick her face. I know she
hates it- she always hits me after, but to
me....It's worth it. She'll never doubt
that I love her. Make sense?
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laura225
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Oct 2007 Posts: 6
Posted: 10-22-07 13:52pm
my boyf does give me kisses, hand squeezes
etc. which is lovely, but the more i get
them the more i want them. i need to be
with him all the time and i just want him
to kiss me. he does this alot, but hwy do
i still need more. the levels between two
i think are always going to be different.
i know i need to stop thinking about it
and do what is natural without analysing
it. i know i need to forget it and enjoy
what i get. dunno if this helps. sounds
weird to me. all i know is its upsetting
