Hello all.

I have posted here off and on and have occasionally given fairly good advice to other people dealing with bipolar disorder.

I am at a breaking point in my life. I am so paranoid that I can't trust the woman who loves me even though she deserves my trust. She and I do well for about a week before I get nervous again. I ask her for reassurances, but after she has reassured me 40 times, it becomes very tiring for her, understandably.

I try to keep it to myself. I write myself reassuring notes. I try to have an actual dialog with myself to stop what I am doing before it is too late. Invariably, I give in to these paranoid and obsessive feelings and I push her farther away.

I love her with every stitch of myself, and I'm treating her horribly. Yesterday she threatened to end things with me and I am now devastated. She has never before threatened that in the nearly three years I have known her. She was always a safe harbor because of that, but I pushed the limit to the breaking point.

All day today I alternated between feeling angry at her for threatening to dump me when she once said she would never leave... then I would feel guilt because I *have* left her before, so now I'm starting to know how it feels...then I would feel determination to make things right. Then I would feel depressed because I have tried to make things right before and I always fail. Then I would start over again.

I feel paranoid. I feel obsession. I *never* feel safe.

I have an appointment with my psych on Thursday and I hope he can offer help.

I don't know what I hope for here.

I'm just not well and I'm tired. I want my mind quiet. It's never quiet.