If TL;DR (too long; didn't read, see the TL;DR section at the end for the short version)
Background: I've been married just over 5 years now. I love my wife very much. I've never been with anyone else.
The Story: I'm not one to complain or bring up perceived problems, yet I've been having one for 5 years, and in the last 5 days or so it's been keeping me up at night,...seriously, like 3-4 hours of laying in bed thinking about what I wish I could say. The problem I've been having is that I see my wife as a selfish lover. I've more or less accepted my lot in life though. Generally, our sex life consists of some kissing to get her in the mood, me performing oral on her or otherwise stimulate her to orgasm, then we have a bit of intercourse. As for her performing oral, I can count 5 times that it has happened in the last 5 years as per of foreplay (ie she's allowed a 69 a few times). Not that I've been counting, but its not that hard to remember occasions that fit on 1 hand. Also, one time where she was drunk (might happen once every two years that she drinks, i don't drink at all), she gave me an actual blowjob in the car to completion. So I know what it's like and how good it feels and that she is capable.
Sometimes it's clearly body issues for her, like she doesn't want to do 69 cause I might see details of her butt or that sort of thing, but to her credit once she's satisfied she has tried to consider what I'd like for the remaining minute or two for me to finish, like being on top riding up and down even though that doesn't do much for her. At one point we learned that her riding on top facing my feet gives her pleasure too since its like her favorite doggy style, but again, she doesn't feel comfortable doing that. So at least there's that.
However, for most of the past 5 years we've only had sex once every week or two, or sometimes three. Not because she's not willing, necessarily, but she just gives off no sexuality. She expects me to be the initiator (in year 4 I learned that making out can get her somewhat interested), and often doesn't even hint if she is feeling horny. She is very attractive... slightly overweight, but her waist is smaller than her hips and bust and she's very attractive to me, enough so that watching her just undressing makes me happy. But she doesn't ever try to turn me on. And she complains often that we don't have sex enough, but then does nothing about it other than complain that I don't make it happen often enough. In the first two years, I've bought her, and she's bought herself sexy lingerie, but I've seen each piece maybe once. Those few times she's worn something I make sure to go wide-eyed and go wow and give every indication that I like it. But she doesn't like 'initiating'. Why, I don't know still.
This has come to a head most recently because we became pregnant about 11 weeks ago. We had sex at week 8 or 9 and she spotted a bit the next day and we went to the ER, but they said she was fine. Her Dr suggested not having intercourse until week 13 or so. Now, yes we've gone longer stretches before without sex, but for the last week or two I've been making it clear enough that I'm still horny and feeling the need for release, but she kept ignoring me. I admit I find her even more appealing since getting pregnant. One aspect being firmer bigger rounder breasts. I even offered to just give her oral no strings attached and got turned down. Eventually (a few days ago) I gently confronted her asking her why she wasn't interested. She said that it's because she can't 'do anything about it'... I was confused, because I figured orgasm was a pretty good result, but apparently those 1-2 minutes of intercourse afterwards are more important to her than even to me?? So, ok, she doesn't want to do ANYTHING sexual because she can't have intercourse to end it... I suggested there are still things she could do with her breasts, hands, or mouth that could at least help me out, but she says that it shouldn't just be one-way. I meekly responded by saying that I guess I just have to accept it, and repress and ignore any sexual feelings I have for her.
Even when we have a confrontation, I talk quietly and calmly, she generally yells or talks in a loud agitated manner. If I feel bad, I apologize, if she feels bad, she gets mad that she had to feel bad and yells at me. So even in the midst of a confrontation where I try to describe my feelings (which I'm not great at), I still subconsciously avoid saying anything that might make her unhappy. She even asked if I thought she was selfish, which I've thought for 5 years, but I still say "no....." to save her feelings somewhat. For example, saying that I give her oral just about every time, and never get much back, or that I would give her oral just because I love her no strings attached (which she won't leave it at, she will require penetration afterwards for a minute or two, and if she can't have that, she doesn't want the first 30 minutes of pleasuring, she's VERY complimentary of my oral skills...to the point of wondering 'where I got them'. (She doesn't want me to watch porn)
Part of her new years resolutions were to lose weight (she did), get pregnant (she did), and get help from a psychiatrist, but she didn't follow through with that one and even crossed it out after getting pregnant cause she 'felt better'. I hoped she'd go and maybe address sexual and anger and life-coping issues that she has (not that I've ever told her I think she has serious issues in these areas, despite her, for example, freaking out and crying when she wants to have a bagel in the morning, so she takes a bagel out of the freezer, then realizes its frozen, so she goes and cries in bed. I, meanwhile, take a frozen bagel out, cut it in half, and put it in the toaster twice. She just can't deal with any unexpected challenges, a lot of the time). She had been abused in several ways as a teen and felt she could use help to get over them so those experiences wouldn't affect her present, so I don't get how being pregnant fixes any of that, but it's not like I can say "no, I think you still need help".
I've never been with anyone but my wife. I thought, based on our dating/engagement that she was a far more sexual creature. We didn't want to have sex before marriage (well, she secretly kind of did), but we would turn each other on to the point of needing to each separately finish ourselves off in the bathroom one at a time. She would, almost every weekend that I came to visit her, go topless while I (semi-)avoided looking or touching, and with my underwear still on, she'd rub her breasts around on me, which was such a turn on I sometimes couldn't even make it to the bathroom in time . Basically, she was sexual and interested in turning me on then, but not after we got married. Why? Because it was taboo, not allowed (religiously). I've suggested various naughty/taboo things since getting married (ie semi-public feeling sex, like stopping on the side of a road and having sex on the grass on the other side of a cement barrier where noone could see us), but she's not interested. Perhaps that one blowjob that I've ever had in my life felt taboo to her since it was in the car at night, though as I mentioned she was pretty drunk after a Christmas party).
Are blowjobs so rare in married life? Those few people I've known who were very open about such things revealed that BJs were commonly given by the woman as rewards for doing nice things, or as bribes for doing things she wanted or buying things she wanted... Honestly it's not the biggest problem in the world, but if it happened even occasionally, I would feel so loved and more generally attracted to her, as I would see her as a sexual person, rather than just someone who I try to avoid getting yelled at. I give her flowers for no reason with relative frequency, I do most of the cooking and dishes, I let her buy things that I don't think are 'needs' all the time (money is one area where she's respectful), I tell her I love he and how beautiful she is constantly, but I never get 'rewarded' beyond a hug and an "awww".
I know I still need to explain to her somehow how much it would mean to be and what affect it would have on my happiness and satisfaction with the marriage. She even has debilitating fear that I will go back to porn and masturbation as I had done pre-marriage, but that extremely strong-sounding fear is not enough for her to actually DO anything to avoid that result.
Apologies for the long long story, but hopefully at least writing it gets it out of my head a bit, and if I get some useful advise out of it, great.
I give oral just about every time, I've had one blowjob in 5 years thanks to booze, and some oral foreplay 5 times. I give her flowers and do the cooking and dishes, but don't get rewarded. I've never considered it mandatory that she please me, but even in a period of 3-5 weeks where we can't have intercourse, she still refuses to do anything to help me out when I'm in 'need'. I'm timid and she angers VERY easily, so how do I deal with it or broach the topic of how much more positive I would feel about her and the marriage if the occasional 5 minutes on her knees were to happen?
Hi TimidHubby and welcome to ehealth: Sometimes it take time for a woman to grow into the hot sexual being that is hidden inside...Seeing her reactions when drinking, she does sound like this rather timid and inhibited version of who many of us are...First, when she is pregnant her hormones slow down...However, from experience and what I have read, they will pick up as the baby grows...My best advice is to talk to her...Tell her of your needs, but be kind...Give her time for her body to adjust to what she is going through...
Being a woman I believe that many, if not most of us, have this hidden part of us that needs to and wants to break free....However, the part of us that says "keep your legs closed" keeps popping into our heads and we then get too straight laced...Give her time...It is at this time that she needs your love and patience...I send you my best wishes for the impending great event ahead...Take care...
Yours is not an unfamiliar story...
A sexy young thing wins your heart and then as soon as the ring is firmly in place her formative years comes back to haunt you and she is not interested in sex except when you make her interested! At first she is open to being made interested but as time goes on even that openess begins to disappear...
For you the future doesn't appear very rosy at all because when the baby comes she will be constantly too tired if she sticks to the normal way of things...
It all reads like a reprint of a magazine article I have from 1894 instructing women to seriously ration their husbands sexually so that when the family is complete going without altogether won't be very much of a shock to him!
The advice I was given by older men, and unfortunately I didn't take it, was before marrying to take a long look at the girl's mother and if you wouldn't marry the mother then definitely don't marry the girl!
I guess you didn't heed that advice either?
Leaving all this until she got pregnant rather means you will never get it sorted - certainly nothing will be sorted after the birth for a considerable time so it will have to be now or never! As you cannot discuss things with her directly with any prospect of success it leaves a limited number of options - couple counselling, having that discussion with a referee present (trusted family friend or stranger off the street) or perhaps the simplest to begin with, setting your thoughts and feelings from the last five years or so down in as forthright a letter as you can manage!
There is the possibility of medical problems - someone who cries over a frozen bagel and storms back to bed (I suspect this is only one of many possible examples) cannot be considered either normal or well-adjusted and she could be suffering from a type of depression or other malady of the brain or emotions. If this is so it is likely to spill over and affect other areas of everyday life.
Guys who are sexually frustrated aren't known for keeping their cool the way you seem to have done. Could be your wife is so self-centred or pre-conditioned by her upbringing she doesn't know you are upset or doesn't realise how upset you are because you aren't shouting and throwing things around.
Women often have compartments in their brain. They like sex when they have been turned on but when it is over, it is over and not thought about again or analysed in any way until the next time they are turned on - they have little or no natural sex-drive...
It is the traditional way of things in many old-fashioned households that women never instigate sexual activity, always try and avoid it and generally treat it as something unpleasant - this brings us back to those formative years!
Some such women recognise it is their duty to allow their husbands sex, as required in the contract of marriage, and as important to domestic harmony as good food and a clean house. Although life with this type of woman is not likely to be sexually exciting it isn't going to be too frustrating either.
Marj Proops, a late UK agony aunt of great repute, used to say marriage is 50% sex and 50% sense of humour and whenever one was absent the other would surely follow. She used to say when life got in the way of a healthy sexual relationship it should never be neglected even if it meant making an appointment with your spouse for the purpose of having sex or setting a particular hour or day aside each week for the purpose.
This is something I wholeheartedly agree with.
Every relationship must have ground rules and boundaries but so far these have been drawn by your wife and your needs haven't been considered. If you don't change things now you will be disadvantaged for years more!
Most pregnant couples find it adds a new dimension to their sex lives rather than inhibiting it. Certainly it is not a barrier to the intercourse your wife considers most important (formative years again?) when most women find foreplay most satisfying and indulge in intercourse mostly for the benefit of their partner! There is no law that says foreplay should take place first. Lots of women like to begin with intercourse because they like the initial (tighter) penetration before they become too wet and open and then take a break for some other fooling around before a little more penetration. Lots of women like the satisfaction of controlling their partner's ejaculation and prefer to finish them by hand or mouth.
Traditionally many women believe ejaculate is good for their skin and insist on massaging it in to the neck and upper breasts...
The blow job in marriage is generally like most things in a busy relationship when activities must be fitted in between other activities, work, exercise, socialising and so forth. Mostly busy people eat snacks and food that is quick and easy to prepare and sometimes eat a four course dinner with wine. Mostly the house cleaning is a whizz around with the vacuum and sometimes the furniture gets moved. Sex is no different - the need must be satisfied so a snack is mostly what is on the menu but sometimes there is the time and inclination for that four course dinner with wine and all the trimmings!
Your wife possibly believes someone must be dominant in a relationship and she is dominating you because you seem incapable of dominating her...