Hi. I'm 15 years old. I'm a home-schooler. I've been having anxiety for a while now, and it seems to be getting worse. It basically started when I started having sexual problems, and then I started kind of "daring" myself to do things, just really stupid things, kind of morbid curiosities and disturbing visions in my head.

This is a pretty long story, but please just sit tight until the end.

One day when I was 14 I went to the Orthodontist and he had me wear this upper retainer pretty much all the time except for when I was playing sports or anything like that. I HATED IT. It came out really easily, and I would just kind of play with it in my mouth a lot. Then, one night, my worst memory ever happened. I was playing with it dangerously close to the back of my throat, when one of the little metal hook-like things got caught in my left tonsil area. I tried to get it out, but to no avail. I gagged and coughed and cried. My at-the-time 11 year old sister, who (thank God) was in the room with me at the time, called my mom and dad, and they came running up the stairs, and my dad tried to give me a heimlich maneuver. I tried to explain to my dad that I had not actually swallowed it. Then, I gave a particularly big gag/cough and it came out covered in blood. I then rinsed my mouth and my retainer in water, and blood and at least one little solid piece of something came out into the sink. The left side of my throat has looked noticeably different (even damaged) then the right ever since. This is the biggest cause of my ongoing anxiety.

I have had this looked at numerous times, but I've never gotten the answers I've looked for, partially because I'll always have the questions I want to ask in my head, but when I get to the doctor, it's like I totally forget them. Each time the doctors said not to worry about it and that it would heal up after a while. My mom looked at it multiple times with a flashlight, as well, and said she thought it was looking better. But when I looked at it, I didn't think so. I thought it looked damaged beyond total repair. Then, about a month ago, I went to an ENT and he said that it didn't look to him like it was going to heal up completely, but that there was probably healing left to be done. This devastated me. I'm totally paranoid about this healing up.

Another thing that adds to my anxiety and depression is the fact that my uncle recently died of alcoholism. My mom is also easily stressed out by things and angered, so I have trouble going up to her and telling her how I feel sometimes, out of fear of the reaction.

Recently (this is the question I ultimately want answered) I also noticed that I was having to swallow a lot, like there's a bunch of saliva in my throat. I can't really do anything about it, but it's off and on. I at first related this to the retainer shenanigan, but I'm not sure. When I wake up in the morning I also notice that my throat feels totally dry. This also happens when I do something like play the drums (I'm a drummer) or do something else really active and physical like that.

I'm not even sure how long this has been going on. I feel totally confused and mind-blank. I'm afraid to bring it up with my parents, because I fear my mom is tired of taking me in to the professionals and having more on her chest.

My anxiety and depression are getting worse frighteningly quickly. I had a panic attack once. I'm starting to really hate myself for what I've done, and I know I need help now, but I don't know who to turn to.

My real question is: what is the cause of my constant swallowing? Is it related to anxiety or the retainer accident or what?

If nobody responds to all this crap, I don't blame them. It's just that I don't know where to turn to anymore. If you do respond to this, God bless you.

PLEASE HELP!!!!